Nobody goes to the Grammys. Ryan Secreast has to interview ex bachelor contestants on the red carpet. The cast of Stranger Things show up, take one look at the place and leave. Ryan begs them to take him with them. There’s only so many ways he can explain how to tie a bow tie before he cracks.
James Cordon’s opening monologue is 57 minutes long and mostly consists of him ringing up everyone he knows and begging them to come to the show or FaceTime in. Not even Harry Styles picks up. Later he can be seen having a cry backstage.
The Grammy producers hire a knock-off Daft Punk to play an hour and a half set. They cross their fingers and hope that no one notices. Deadmau5 angrily tweets from home that they could’ve at least picked a cheap version of him.
Keith Urban and Luke Bryan both take to the stage at the same time to have a singing duel over who’s song about respecting women now is better. Keith sings ‘healer, broken halo, Mother Nature ’ just as Luke sings ‘most mama’s outta qualify for sainthood’ and they both begin to cry. Donald Trump tweets ‘SAAADD’. Kendrick Lamar thinks about karma.
Lorde performs spoken word and slam poetry elsewhere. 80 million people tune into her livestream. Katy Perry wins Album of the Year by default. She is ecstatic. Ratings drop 347%. The Grammy’s committee is last seen frantically dialling Taylor’s Swift number. They hear’ Oh, the old Taylor can’t -‘
Salaam-Alaikum Krew, it’s Jahan again! Did anyone catch the headlines last weekend??? I’m talking about the very important breaking news that Krewella’s Ultra 2015 set was UNPLUGGED!!! Minutes after Almighty Deadmau5 tweets “Aw man, Krewellas got them new completely wireless DJMs??? I’m jealous,“ EDM reporters spread the news like wildfire and the story gets massive traction in the dance community, while Deadmau5 receives praise from critics for his honest and brave reporting from the frontlines. For those of you who are out of the loop with global events, Deadmau5 is the most trusted name on Twitter. Deadmau5’s success skyrocketed when his ratings surpassed TMZ’s after reporting the hard facts of the Krewella break-up several months ago, and since then he has proven himself to be a credible news source for all things Krewella!
All sarcasm aside, I’m rolling my eyes at how much noise the Krewella “fake DJing” story created in the EDM blogosphere last weekend. Not only because it’s another dose of gossip contributing to the pollution on the internet, but because it’s fundamentally based on lie… a “news story” based on the words of someone whose internet reputation thrives off of using slanderous dialogue to entertain his 3 MILLION Twitter worshippers. Every time Yasmine and I are slammed in the media, we debate whether or not it’s worth it to react and share our side of the story. Rumors have real and damaging effects on individuals, careers, religions, political officials, and on society as a whole. Just like our announcement last year stating that we in fact did NOT kick Kris out of Krewella, contrary to what his lawsuit said, we have every right to expose the truth- THE FANS DESERVE THE TRUTH.
This story needs to be cleared up once and for all: We have NEVER played a pre-recorded set and do not intend to do so in the future. Since day one of touring as Krewella in 2011, Yasmine and I have been solely responsible for DJing our shows. We curate the song selection and mix the tracks live, and as a special surprise for Ultra 2015 we introduced our band. To assume that we played a pre-recorded set means that our intentions were to be…..perfect. This goes against what Yasmine and I stand for in the dance music scene. It takes away the raw, human element of our performance. We take pride in allowing ourselves to raise our voices, be vulnerable, fuck up, take risks, face our fears, and unleash our blood, sweat and tears. We would have to be fucking fools to play a pre-recorded DJ set at Ultra, especially knowing it would be our online LIVE streamed debut since the shitty lawsuit drama, and knowing Deadmau5 was going to watch and tweet about it (by the way, Deadmau5 and Kris also share the same lawyer, Dina Lapolt. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions from that).
BREAKING NEWS: Rukes reports proof of cables hooked up at Ultra. Minimal clicks & retweets cuz truth isn’t juicy or fun enough for twitter :(
We ALL have the right to expose the truth, protect our honor, and share our stories. When a buzz-worthy rumor spreads and completely undermines mine and Yasmine’s hard work, passion, integrity, dignity, and performance- I WILL STAND THE FUCK UP FOR KREWELLA! To bite our tongues and wait for the storm to pass gives too much power to the pattern that we have all fallen into on the Internet: the ingestion of junk food gossip and the regurgitation of bullshit. Within the electronic dance music scene, I have seen far too many influentials reinforcing this cycle by choosing to maintain their internet personas based on promoting lies and rumors about others. And a lot of these people are really fucking talented- but does that give someone a sense of entitlement to degrade others? It’s the typical high school story of the football team’s star who gets mad pussy but still continues to bring down the dork in the hallway- anything to get a round of applause.
Shit talking and degrading others online for publicity and attention completely abandons the values that many people in the dance music community once wore (and many still wear) as a badge of honor. I’m referring to the values that I was introduced to when this genre was on a brink of becoming mainstream almost 5 years ago. P.L.U.R. (peace/love/unity/respect) was the first commandment I was taught by young fans. Togetherness and acceptance were the pillars of the dance culture, and because of these values, I was proud to be welcomed and have a place in the world of dance.
Correction: “I am proud.” The dance music scene doesn’t have to be corrupt. When I’m old, I want to look back on my career and know that I was part of a movement that promoted tolerance, individuality, and speaking out on issues that one believes in. I want to say that 2015 was the year where the paradigm shifted, so that our complacent, jaded, or hateful attitudes were overridden by a fierce movement to stand up for what we think is right for the community. We could save the dance music culture’s honorable values if we become more conscious of what we say and what we share. Spreading the word and reminding people of what the fundamental values are will create awareness.
So here Yasmine and I are, standing in the middle of this war-zone, searching the rubble for the remains of these pillars that have been crumbling before our feet. The thousands of fans that crowded our stage this year at Ultra gave us renewed faith in them as the future leaders of our society- that there is no judgement based on labels and headlines, and that they can think for themselves. These people represent the future of our Krew. #FUTUREKREW. And trust me, there will be many more battles we face with evil trolls. But Yasmine and I are unstoppable, and we will be louder than bombs that try to interfere with our mission to create art and give life to our community. The dark age of evil trolling is coming to an end. The KREWLIFE lives on.