de troit

Michigan Gothic.

- You ask your friend where he was born. He holds up his hand and points to a spot on his palm. “Oh, you’re from Grand Rapids,” you say. “No,” he replies, “look closer.” You do: there is a tiny house on his palm, with tiny parents waving up at you, asking if you’d like some lemonade. You aren’t thirsty.

- The coney island on the corner is open. You walk inside and order some gyros, then walk out for a cigarette, but find yourself in Flint. You go back inside, into the same coney island, then leave again. Now you’re in Grosse Pointe. It’s all the same coney island. Your gyros are getting cold.

- You’re driving through the Upper Peninsula, and stop for gas. The pump dispenses nothing but unrefined, crude oil. You enter the station, but the attendant only speaks ancient Cornish. A horn blows: the hunt begins.

- You cross 8 Mile and enter the city of Detroit. Your eyebrows are stolen before you travel fifty feet. Then your socks. Then your kidney. Eminem asks you if its pronounced “de-TROIT” or “DEE-troit.” You have no answer, and he hands you a can of Vernors. It tastes like road salt, and regret.

- Faygo. Its everywhere. You go into Meijer. The shelves are lined with Faygo. You go to school, and they serve Faygo for lunch. In the pipes of your house: Faygo. In your veins: Faygo. Moon Mist, if you’re not mistaken.

Why every team in the NHL has a shitty terrible name and color scheme (D-M)

A-C, N-ST-W

Dallas stars - hey dallas. thinking you’re so cool and hip and shit. i don’t appreciate it. who mixed that color green? tyler seguin when he was 5? and just calling it victory green doesn’t mean shit if your team has two trash bags in net every night. and like i’m glad you made the D really pointy because i was this close to almost tking you seriously.

detroit red wings - de-fucking-troit you ready for this because i am. first of all what wheel have you VEER seen that had wings like that? nd if they did would they really come out of the fucking centre like that? i’m not sure and i’m not feeling it. it’s not even scary just “oh yeah cars” i’m not intimidated detroit!!!! stop making your city waste money on arenas for your disappointing asses.

Edmonton Oilers - where to fucking start with hyou guys. Like you want us to believe you’re this big green city all worried about the environment but your whole iconography revolves around oil drills and shit. Like what the fuck. and i can’t even tell you the amount od headaches i’ve gotten just looking at that terrible saturation in the colors. working on an oil rig is one of the most dangerous jobs you can have and so is being a fan of this goddamn team apparently.

Florida Panthers - really? ALL of florida? should have planned on being the better team if you’re trying to claim a whole state that has multiple hockey teams. and since when did florida get a seat at the round table? put that medieval looking bullshit away. and don’t pretend like just because you got rid of the little sun logos people are actually going to take you seriously. that’s gotta start with you guys not giving away 4 tickets for 20 bucks.

LA KIngs - OH GOOD black and silver and white are the MOST EXCITING COLORS. guess what guys? they invented color years ago you can fucking use it whenever you want and the kings? you know what i know about kings? they’re fucking crazy and kill a lot of people and then die because they wanted to have sex with someone they shouldn’t have. so far your nhl legacy is not far off I GUESS.

Minnesota wild - really? the wild? WHAT KIND OF WILD MINNESOTA? it can’t be the emotion fans feel at your games because NO ONE GOES WILD FOR YOU GUYS. “oh look we have trees and the sky and it gets cold here” like you’re south of a hand full of NHL teams and also don’t forget the wild is literaly EVERYWHERE. and get out of my face with those christmas colors. you bring no holiday cheer to anyone.

Montreal Canadiens- really just…just the canadiens? you think spelling it french makes it all cute and unique. no because it just means canadians!! there’s 33 million of those in the world and most of them live outside of quebec!! hell only like 1.65 million people live in the city of montreal. The team should have been called “only a small number of canadiens.” and this red white and blue shit??? are you really that proud to be related to the FRENCH? that’s so sad montreal. almost as sad as the fact you haven’t won a cup this millenium