X-Men Origins - Deadpool #1 Written by Duane Swierczynski, Art by Leandro Fernandez 2010-09
A man pulls up to a house on Mulholland Drive. He sees a trial of blood leading from the house. Another man runs from the house, holding a gunshot wound from his leg.
REP: [Shot guy]: He’s INSANE! Run! Run while you still can! I’m tell you man, don’t go in there!
The first man is shaken, but he shrugs off the injured man and continues into the house. There he sees Deadpool, holding a smoking gun.
[Deadpool]: Guess you’re my 3:30.
Deadpool wants to beat anyone else to the punch before Hollywood turns his story into a movie, by turning his story into a movie first. he’s been interviewing screenwriters all day and they “didn’t go so well”.
After 38-minutes, the screenwriter is super excited.
REP/HERO: [Screenwriter]: Listen, dawg– we go all Michael Bay on this mother. I’m talking monster brawls. Huge action set pieces. you vs. Sasquatch. You vs. Hulk. Wait, can we get the rights to the Hulk? I don’t know. doesn’t matter. [Deadpool]: Uh, yeah. I was kind of thinking… [Screenwriter]: Don’t be like that, bro, don’t be stuck in the old paradigm. You’ve got to go HIGH-CONCEPT! [Deadpool pulls his gun and points it in the screenwriters face] [Deadpool]: This high? Or maybe a little higher? [Screenwriter]: Wait, what are you… [Deadpool shoots him in the upper arm.]
The screenwriter runs away, holding his injured and bleeding arm.
The next screenwriter isn’t much better. He wants to cut out all the “downer” mercenary stuff. He’ll change Deadpool’s job to country singer and “you’re drunk, and broke, and looking to reconnect with your son…”
HERO: Deadpool shoots him in the leg.
Deadpool is out of patience with the next screenwriter, but the next one says he’s not here with a pitch, he’s here to listen. So Deadpool pours them both a drink and tells him his story.
PAST/ABUSE: [Deadpool narration]: And like so many origin stories, it starts off with me butt nekkid and in a crazy-ridiculous amount of pain. You may ask: how did I end up in this tank of water, sharp needles jabbin my yin-yang and tubes up my hoo-hah-and-how’s-yer-mother? I, uh… VOLUNTEERED. [Deadpool narration]: See, it was either painful death from Stage IV cancer– or these experimental trials up in Canada. And looking back on what happened, some might say I should have taken my chances with the big C.
PAST/HEALING: [Deadpool narration]: As the docs explained it, the experiment was a MIXED BAG. Sure my body could regenerate itself at amazing speeds.
ABUSE/HEALING: [One of the doctors shoots him in the hand. It heals immediately.] [Deadpool]: Ack… Is it… Supposed to… hurt… so much… [Another hits him with a blow torch]
PAST/LOOKS/HEALING/SELF-LOATHING: [Deadpool narration]: But no matter how radical the injury, I still looked like human hamburger after regenerating. Which wasn’t exactly useful for top secret assasin-type missions– Kind of the whole point. I’d stand out too much in a crowd.
PAST: [Deadpool narration]: They told me not to worry, while they sorted it out, I could chill out at a resort to recover. And it was a real club med, if by club med you mean Club Failed Med-ical Experiments. [Deadpool narration]: Rotting away in my cell, I realized I signed on for a fate worse than cancer. At least cancer ends. This went on and on… potentially forever. I had to find a way out.
In his cell, Deadpool sits on the bottom bunk vocalizing how much pain he’s in.
PAST/HEALING/ABUSE: [Deadpool]: Ow my skin. Ow my skin. Ow my skin. Ow my skin. Ow my skin. Ow my skin hurts. Ow my skin….
[Many people see the above image and use it to point out how much Deadpool suffers from the Weapon X procedure, and it’s possible that it does constantly hurt him as it appears in this image, but at this point, he is actually trying to attract the attention of a guard. And he does.]
PAST/HEALING/ABUSE/REP: [Guard]: Shuddap or I’ll give you something to complain about. [Deadpool]: Yeah? You want a shot at the title, tubby? [Guard]: Be GLAD to– [Deadpool]: Please– I-I… I’m sorry. It just hurts so much. [The guard leaves, so Deadpool calls out to him again] [Deadpool]: But seriously– Do you have any Vaseline handy? You know, the kind you use on your stretch marks? [Guard]: Okay, freak–It’s on. Wait until you see how much your skin can REALLY hurt.
But this is playing into Deadpool’s plan:
PAST/ABUSE: [Deadpool narration]: Ah, bullies. They can’t resist kicking the snot out of the little guy. [Deadpool narration]: And I can’t resist kickin’ the snot out of bullies.
He knocks the guard out and escapes.
HEALING: [Deadpool narration]: You don’t know the sheer joy of knowing that, no matter what they through at you, they can’t kill you. I’ll admit it. It made me a widdle giddy.
He’s shot repeatedly by the guards but it doesn’t slow him down. He knocks the guards out and keeps going. He escapes and falls back “on the whole mercenary thing” only now he has “certain competitive advantages”.
He then goes on to describe an early assignment
CABLEPOOL: [Deadpool]: –killing this grumpy cyborg mutant from the future. Predictably, we ended up BEST FRIENDS. So anyway…
The screenwriter stops him though, and insists that Deadpool tell him more about “Wade Wilson, the man before he put on the mask, before the Weapon X experiment. Before everything.”
So Deadpool shifts his story back to his pre-cancer days.
PAST/SELF-LOATHING/ROMANCE/COPYCAT: [Deadpool narration]: You want to hear the truth about Wade Wilson? He was an idiot. Wade Wilson was a mercenary with a moral code–Only took jobs he “believed” in. He was more earnest than a lifetime original movie. In fact, Wade Wilson was pretty much the only mercenary alive who WASN’T in it for the money. He’d go out, kill some dirtbag dictator who deserved it… then go home to his hottie girlfriend in Boston.
QUEER/ROMANCE/COPYCA: [Vanessa]: Wade! Oh, the things I’m going to do to your body… after you shower, of course…
ROMANCE/COPYCAT: Wade puts her off for a moment to check for the mail; he’s expecting a letter from the NYU Medical. It’s the letter he’s been dreading: the diagnosis of his cancer. He collapses onto the couch and Vanessa sits with him, assuring him that they can get through this together.
PAST: [Deadpool narration]: But I… er, I mean, Wade Wilson refused. Long ago, he swore not to be a burden to anybody–especially not those he loved.
So Deadpool left, and after a while of bumming around, getting into bar fights, he decided to fight back against the real enemy: cancer. And so he wound up to “this crazy medical experiment up in Canada”.
[Deadpool]: Annnnnd you know what happens from there, needles up the yin-yang, et cetera et cetera. Moving on to the cool stuff.
But the screenwriter wants to get deeper about “the young Wade Wilson, before he was a merc for hire. Before he was an adult. What was his childhood like?”
SELF-LOATHING: [Deadpool]: What is this– Diary of a wimpy merc? Nobody wants to hear that stuff.
PAST/FAMILY: But the screenwriter insists, so Deadpool takes another drink and talks about his dad, telling knock knock jokes at the front door.
PAST/FAMILY/ABUSE: [Deadpool narration]: But one day my dad slipped behind the door. And never came back. I’d do our knock-knock routine, just to see if he was waiting me out. He wasn’t.
PAST/FAMILY/ABUSE: [Deadpool narration]: After my dad left, my mom tried to ease the pain with booze and ordering junk from cable T.V. channels. She’ joked about everything–even the crippling debt she’d racked up.
PAST/FAMILY/ABUSE/SELF-LOATHING: [Deadpool narration]: I blamed myself: she’d be fine if she didn’t have me to worry about. I swore I wouldn’t be a burden to anybody, ever again.
PAST: [Deadpool narration]: When I was old enough, I took advantage of the one opportunity open to broke young Americans everywhere.
He joined the U.S. army.
PAST/QUEER: [Deadpool narration]: My superiors said I was a crack shot with a great tactical mind, a born survivor. I didn’t have to heart to tell them that’s because I practically grew up with a joystick in my hand. No, I don’t mean THAT kind of–Oh never mind.
Deadpool went from the army to working on his own.
PAST/HERO: [Deadpool narration]: As long as I agreed with the cause, I’d pull the trigger. Now isn’t all that different from then, come to think of it. Except I don’t give a crap about the cause. You care too much, you bleed.
NOTABLE: [Deadpool narration]: When you’re confronted with a horrible situation, there are only two reactions that make sense: laughter and tears. Tears hurt too much.
Deadpool stops for a moment. He lifts up his mask slightly, complaining of the heat and how stuffy it is, but that is to cover the fact that he is wiping away tears.
He then starts a tale of him against the Hulk, but the screenwriter stops him, having heard enough for the movie.
Thirty-five months later, Deadpool: Origins is premiering.
QUEER: Deadpool attends the premiere with two conventionally beautiful women at his arms.
Deadpool meets the screenwriter at the entrance amidst a media circus. Deadpool says he’s avoided the reports and rumors as he didn’t want to get his hopes up.
[Screenwriter]: You liked the script? [Deadpool]: No, the script was great. It’s just– [Screenwriter]: Don’t worry. It’s everything we talked about. You’re going to love this.
It is NOTHING like what they talked about.
It starts off wrong, misspelling of his name (Dead Pool not Deadpool), and gets worse as it goes. No torture at Weapon X, over-the-top out-of-place explosions, bad jokes. It’s terrible.
Deadpool envisions himself standing up and shooting up the movie theater in a scene that would never have been drawn today since it hits too hard now to be “funny”.
He doesn’t actually shoot up the theater. He leaves, glumly.
But he does torch the screenwriters car to express his displeasure.
Later, Deadpool drives out to a lone house and knocks on the door. An older man asks who it is.
PAST/FAMILY/LOOKS: [Deadpool]: Wade. [The father]: Wade… Wade who? [Deadpool removes his mask]: Wade until you see what happened to me, Dad.
Deadpool #20 Written by Daniel Way; Art by Carlo Barberi and Juan Vlasco 2010-04
SPIDEYPOOL/QUEER: [Deadpool]: Hey, man… Can I crash at your crib? [Spider-Man]: Of course not! [Deadpool]: Whatta ya mean, “Of course not”?! We’re partners! [Spider-Man]: We’re NOT partners! [Deadpool]: And partners let partners crash in their Spider-Cave! [Spider-Man]: “Spider-Cave”? Dude, I live in an APARTMENT. [Deadpool]: Hey, and apartment’s cool with me– Can we walk, or should I hail a cab? [Spider-Man]: You’re not staying at my apartment! [Deadpool]: Would you let me stay at your apartment if I BOUGHT you a Spider-Cave? I’m rich, you know.
Spider-Man ignores Deadpool’s offer to be his sugar-daddy.
SPIDEYPOOL/REP: [Spider-Man, using finger quotes]: You really think a “Hit Monkey” is out to get you? [Deadpool, also using finger quotes]: No, I’m really “convinced” that “Hit-Monkey” is gonna “blow my freakin’ brains out”!
SPIDEYPOOL/REP/HERO/FOURTH-WALL/CRAZY: [Deadpool]: I know he’s here and I know what he DOES– He kills guys like me. [Spider-Man]: Assassins. [Deadpool]: I’m not an assassin! [Spider-Man]: People pay you money to shoot OTHER people. That makes you an ASSASSIN. [Deadpool]: FORMER assassin. I haven’t pulled a trigger for MONEY in… Lemme think… When did I do that Pizza delivery guy? [White]: Issue #10. [Deadpool]: Yeah! And that was, like, ten issues ag-
Deadpool trails off as he realizes Spider-Man has left and he’s alone on the street.
Meanwhile, a couple of crooked cops get taken out by Hit-Monkey.
The next morning…
SPIDEYPOOL/REP/HERO: [Spider-Man]: Deadpool! I need to– Are you pointing a gun at me? [Deadpool]: Yes! TWO of ‘em! Prove you’re not a monkey! [Spider-Man]: Uhh– Talking isn’t enough? [Deadpool]: Nope! [Spider-Man]: How about these? [Deadpool]: What the hell are you doing? [Spider-Man]: Showing you my thumbs. [Spider-Man]: *Sigh* Monkeys don’t have thumbs. [Deadpool]: I knew that.
Deadpool steps out from the shadows, holding two very big swords and…
NOTABLE/CLOTHES/QUEER/SPIDEYPOOL/REP: Deadpool has on a German maid type dress on over his costume. And Spider-Man doesn’t bat an eye at it.
SPIDEYPOOL/REP/HERO: [Deadpool]: What’s up? [Spider-Man]: Last night a couple of crooked cops were shot. [Deadpool]: Wasn’t me! [Spider-Man]: I know. I’ve been following you.
SPIDEYPOOL/REP/HERO: [Deadpool]: See, that’s what I’m talkin’ about– Partners look out for their partners! You’ve been watchin’ my back making sure Hit-Monkey doesn’t put a hot one in your buddy, Wade! [Spider-Man]: Not quite. Until this morning I was still convinced that YOU had killed Mr. Chen. [Deadpool]: That stings. [Spider-Man]: Not as much as THIS… You were right. [Deadpool]: Of course I was right! What was I right about?
Spider-Man explains how there was a bloody monkey paw print left at the scene of the crime.
SPIDEYPOOL/REP/HERO: [Deadpool]: So whatta we do now? [Spider-Man]: I came here to ask you the same thing. [Deadpool]: Huh? No, THAT’S not how this is supposed to work… [Spider-Man]: WHAT?! [Deadpool]: I came to New York to learn how YOU do YOUR thing. [Spider-Man]: But he’s after YOU. [Deadpool]: Which is PERFECT, because that’s what you DO– you SAVE people! I’ve got the best seat in the house!
SPIDEYPOOL/QUEER: [Deadpool, with lots of hearts around the word bubble]: Save me, Spider-Man!
SPIDEYPOOL/REP/QUEER/CLOTHES: [Spider-Man]: This is unbelievable… [Deadpool]: Hey, I WARNED you–! [Spider-Man]: No, not the MONKEY part– YOU. [Deadpool]: Is it the dress? [Again, Spider-Man never comments or reacts to the dress. This is the one and only mention of it, and its by Deadpool]
Spider-Man starts to web away as Deadpool tries to figure out their next step. The plan is to find who Hit-Monkey is after and set a trap. Spider-Man points out that Hit-Monkey is after Deadpool. Spider-Man’s Spidey senses go off when he realizes that Hit-Monkey found Deadpool by following him.
Spider-Man scopes up Deadpool under his arm and swings them away as Hit-Monkey bursts in, guns a blazin’. Spider-Man lands the two of them behind some cover and sets Deadpool down.
SPIDEYPOOL/REP/HEALING: [Deadpool]: UNHH! You’re good.. but… OUCH… He’s better. [Spider-Man]: Is it bad? [Deadpool]: Nah… Twenty minutes, tops. [Spider-Man]: Huh? [Deadpool]: I should be all healed up in about twenty minutes. Ouch. ouch. [Spider-Man]: C'mere.
Spider-Man pulls Deadpool up by he collar, then brings him up to the rafters of the warehouse.
SPIDEYPOOL/REP/HEALING: [Spider-Man]: Y'know, it just OCCURRED to me that… he can’t really kill you, can he? [Deadpool]: What? Oop–! Well, No… not PERMANENTLY. [Spider-Man]: Then why are you so freaked out? [Deadpool]: Uhh… Because getting shot HURTS?!
Spider-Man questions if Hit-Monkey would know about Deadpool’s healing factor.
REP/HEALING: [Deadpool]: Dunno… MAYBE? I mean, my healing factor isn’t exactly common knowledge?
Spider-Man suggests letting Hit-Monkey “kill” Deadpool, and since Hit-Monkey doesn’t know about the healing factor, he’ll leave afterwards.
Deadpool imagines Spider-Man turning Deadpool over to him. Hit-Monkey fills him with bullets.
SPIDEYPOOL/REP/CRAZY/SELF-LOATHING: [Dream-Hit-Monkey]: Ook! [Dream-Spider-Man, looking grossed out]: You can say THAT again, brother…
Then in his daydream, Spider-Man and Hit-Monkey spend a day together doing tourist-y stuff together. At the end, Hit-Monkey leaves, and Spider-Man gets hailed as a hero. He gets a key to the city. When a reporter asks about Deadpool, dream Spider-Man dismisses the question.
SPIDEYPOOL/REP/CRAZY/SELF-LOATHING: [Dream-Spider-Man]: Who cares?
SPIDEYPOOL/HERO: [Deadpool, coming out of his day-dream]: Hell with THAT, man!
He pulls out his gun. Spider-Man grabs the wrist holding the gun to stop him. He’s is a bit lost, not having seen Deadpool’s hallucination. Their confrontation is interrupted by Hit-Monkey, who fires upon them. Spider-Man is hit in the shoulder.
SPIDEYPOOL: [Deadpool]: HA! TOLD ya it hurts!
Deadpool is knocked out of the rafters and heads for a painful landing to the ground. Before he hits the ground, Spider-Man swings in and grabs him. Unfortunately, he grabs onto Deadpool with the arm that got shot and he loses control, swinging them to a crash landing into a pile of crates.
SPIDEYPOOL: [Deadpool]: Ow! Nice rescue, JACKASS!
Seeing Spider-Man is down, Deadpool runs away.
SPIDEYPOOL/HERO: [Deadpool]: Time for me to exit! [Deadpool pretends to be a huge jerk and runs off, in order to draw Hit-Monkey away from Spider-Man]
His plan doesn’t work. Hit-Monkey approaches the injured hero, but instead of shooting, he seems greatly upset by Spider-Man’s injury.
It’s clear that he wasn’t just being a jerk for real, because Deadpool’s immediately at Spider-Man’s side when Hit-Monkey goes to him. He has his gun in hand and furiously protects Spider-Man.
SPIDEYPOOL/HERO: [Deadpool]: Take your stinking paws off him, you damn dirty– [Spider-Man]: Deadpool– No!
CRAZY/FOURTH-WALL/REFERENCE: [Yellow]: Oh, SWEET! A bullet-time slo-mo scene! [A reference to “bullet-time”, a cinematic technique created in the Matrix movie]
But Deadpool is thrown off when Hit-Monkey doesn’t have guns in his hands… but in his FEET! Deadpool is filled with bullets, just like he previously imagined.
Amazing Spider-Man #611 Written by Joe Kelly, Art by Eric Canete 2010-01
CABLEPOOL/SPIDEYPOOL: [Cover image, Deadpool has Spider-Man dressed up in a manner that looks quite like Cable’s look]
QUEER: At a exclusive club, Deadpool is in a side room surrounded by a bevy of conventionally beautiful women dressed up as female supers (like Mystic, Emma Frost, Black Cat, Elektra). Deadpool is on the phone, and from his side of the conversation it appears that he is on the phone with the president and is getting hired to take out Norman Osborn.
Unfortunately, while he’s on the phone with the president, his phone rings.
NOTABLE: [Deadpool’s ring tone]: Deadpool is so awesome! Deadpool is so awesome!
The women get very pissed off about Deadpool faking being more important than he is.
QUEER [Woman]: Where’s my damn money? I had to pay for this costume!
Deadpool shoots up into the air, scaring off the women and causing the ceiling to collapse down.
Deadpool resumes his real phone call for a job. He first says his fee is 2 billion, but agrees that “ten grand works too.”
SELF-LOATHING: [Deadpool]: No… I’m not depressed. Go on.
Meanwhile, the ones that hired him:
REP: [Dark haired woman]: It is done. I long for the day when we no longer need sully ourselves with those so far below us… [Blond guy]: He’s funny. His voice is rumbly. Like the sound when someone chokes on pieces of their own windpipe.
Spider-Man is having a crappy day when he starts fighting Lady Stilt-Man. Things seem to finally go right for him when she steps and her leg goes through an open man-hole.
Unfortunately, things really can’t go well for him. It turns out the person who moved the manhole cover was Deadpool!
SPIDEYPOOL/REP/QUEER: [Spider-Man]: Deadpool?! You did this? [Deadpool]: Uh-huh! [Spider-Man]: Well, that’s a little disappointing. I mean, thank, but I thought it was just an incredibly funny coincidence with the hell and all– [Deadpool]: Nuh-uh! [Spider-Man]: Um… You okay? [Deadpool]: No, I’m not! I’m having a complete fit of apoplexy and aiding and abetting the Spectacular, sassy, and might I add in a not-coming-on-to-you-because-I really-REALLY-like-kissing-pretty-girls-way SEXY Spider-Man… Who I helped defeat a super villain. Me. And you. Together. [Spider-Man]: Right… Don’t’ take offense, but did you forget to take some medication today or something? Cause you’re like, sort of a creep usually, right–? [Deadpool]: Can I have your autograph? [Deadpool hands over a pen and small notebook that has his logo on the cover] [Spider-Man]: For real? [Spider-Man asks while signing already] [Deadpool]: I know. I’m a geek. But you’re here and we just had this profound experience of humiliating a novice bad guy together and I want to capture the moment…. Plus I think it’ll be pretty valuable when you’re dead. [Spider-Man]: What?
Spider-Man realizes a moment too late the pen is a bomb. It explodes, knocking him up into the air. He swings back into action and the two fight.
SPIDEYPOOL/REP/QUEER: [Deadpool narration]: Of all the prey I have hunted… by far, HE is the most cunning. It’s written in the way he moves, by the cut of his jib and the intangible air of swank-i-tude that lings to him as a hobo’s favorite shred of shamwow… [Spider-Man]: Okay, schizoboy, bring back sycophant Deadpool– [Deadpool]: Shhhh! I’m in the middle of a good internal monologue! [Deadpool narration]: At this time, I would like to make reiteration of my earlier assertion that any bromantic feelings I may or may not have stem strictly from professional respect. I do not want to make the special hug with him. Or any other him. For that matter. Just saying.
SPIDEYPOOL/REP/QUEER: [Spider-Man]: –Don’t you think it’s time for you to share your beef with me? [Deadpool]: Didn’t you read the monologue? I don’t like you that way.
Spider-Man webs Deadpool’s feet to the ground.
SPIDEYPOOL/HERO/QUEER: [Deadpool]: I am motivated by one simple word: cash-o-la. [Spider-Man]: What’s the head of a friendly neighborhood super-stud worth these days? [Deadpool]: Not enough to justify what’s about to happen to my pedicure. And I paid extra for the little blackest night symbols, too. My feets is a rainbow of power…
Deadpool blasts his “exploding ejector boots!”
HEALING: Deadpool blew up his feet in the maneuver, but they recover as he faces off with Spider-Man.
Deadpool and Spider-Man trade puns and quips about Deadpool’s lack of feet.
REP/FOURTH-WALL/CRAZY/QUEER: [Spider-Man narration/his editor makes note of Deadpool’s strong healing factor] [Deadpool]: Yo! That’s not one of my voices…? Stay away from my vital bodily fluids, Johns! I’m exclusive!
CRAZY: [Deadpool]: *Sigh* They make schizophrenia look like so much fun on United States of Tara.. But sometimes it’s really the worst of all mutant powers.
Deadpool shoots off a rocket. It hits a building, sending a wall falling down into the street. Spider-Man uses his super strength to hold the wall up.
SPIDEYPOOL/REP/HERO: [Spider-Man]: They paying you extra for a high body count…? Or are you pressing pause to help me help these people? [Deadpool narration]: Incredible… Even with the steaming foot of death ready to stomp him into oblivion… he stops to aid a gaggle of mental deficient who pay six bucks for coffee. At critical junctures like these, a check on the ol’ moral barometer is a must.
QUEER/CRAZY: Deadpool envisions a half dozen sexy Deadpool angel/demons that float around him.
QUEER/CRAZY/HERO: [Deadpool sexy devil]: It would be so HOT if you took Spider-Man down, right here, right now, with a napalm enema. I bet that if you sent the carcass to Mega Fox she would totally fall in love with you. [Deadpool sexy angel]: People have always called you a “knock-off Spider-Man with guns”… Kill him now and you can finally add the BLUE to the costume you’ve always wanted to without anyone calling you a “biter.” [Deadpool]: Introspection complete! Today money talks, so Spidey walks! Hey! Cover that butt, Li'l devil!! [His speech bubble covers a Deadpool Sexy Devil’s butt]
SPIDEYPOOL/REP/CRAZY/HERO: [Spider-Man]: That’s okay, mister Crazypool, jusssst take your time babbling to yourself. I’ll wait. [Deadpool]: Citizens! It is time to be thrown violent to safety! [Spider-Man]: Okay, now, see? Helping someone is the opposite of shooting them! Let’s hold on to that feeling long enough for me to web you a straight jacket and we can… How’d he do that?
With the civilians out of the way, Deadpool has hooked up a chain around Spider-Man’s waist. Deadpool steals a motorcycle and drags Spider-Man behind him.
FOURTH WALL: [After another Spider-Man editorial comment] [Deadpool]: Enough with the sidebars!
SPIDEYPOOL/REP: [Spider-Man narration]: I’ve had just about as much “happy Deadpool time” as I can take– Spider-sense? That’s weird– I’ve got this under control… Except for the psychopath steering the bike, of course… But it’s like… There’s something else I should be– Who am I kidding, he maybe an idiot, but Deadpool IS dangerous. Stay focused Spider…
Spider-Man webs the front of the bike, sending Deadpool flying over the handlebars.
Deadpool flies through a chain-link fence onto a kids’ ball court.
Spider-Man grabs onto a recovering Deadpool and goes to punch his face. Deadpool blurts out a “yo momma” joke that is so vile it’s censored. The kids in the playground cheer on the “yo momma” fight.
SPIDEYPOOL/QUEER: [Spider-Man]: If you’ll back it up a few, Junior, you’ll see I’m about to “disrespect” him my own self… and besides, my mother’s dead– [Deadpool]: Dead of embarrassment because her son went to he barber to get his palms shaved after he shot webbing all over her couch. [Spider-Man]: Oh, yeah…? YOUR mother is so ugly that a Skrull tried to copy her during the invasion and died… of ugly.
They continue to trade yo momma jokes.
SPIDEYPOOL: [Spider-Man]: And your mother’s so ugly– she made this!
Spider-Man rips Deadpool’s mask off.
LOOKS: [Deadpool]: Foul! Foul!!!
One of the kids pukes. Deadpool rips off the largest kid’s shirt and uses it as a makeshift head covering.
Deadpool decides to bust out the “mutha of all yo'mutha jokes” in retaliation.
PAST: [Deadpool]: I busted this one out in the fourth grade, reduced a gym teacher… A marine… into a quivering mess of jelly. He never taught again. The second time, in eight, a girl’s pancreas ruptured. She never taught to begin with. And now she can’t eat sugar either.
Deadpool continues to build up how amazing and terrifying this joke is.
SPIDEYPOOL/HERO: [Spider-Man]: Bring it, WADE. [Deadpool]: Your mama– [Something beats] [Deadpool]: …Aaaand that’s a wrap! Whoo! [Spider-Man]: What? [Deadpool]: job’s over. You wanna get a beer or something– [Spider-Man]: I don’t drink… And what do you mean “job’s over”? Aren’t you supposed to kill me? [Deadpool]: No, that was your assumption. I never said maim, kill, or die. [Spider-Man]: Then what did they hire you to do? Annoy me for an hour? [Deadpool]: Basically. That and get you away from midtown. [Spider-Man]: Why? [Deadpool]: Because it was fun?
One of the kids calls Deadpool out for not telling that yo momma joke, so he whispers it into the kid’s ear. The kid starts to cry.
SPIDEYPOOL/REP/FOURTH WALL: [Spider-Man]: Enough! Enough of the nonsense and the crazy and the– YOU! Who hired you to mess with me? What do they want? [Deadpool]: No clue, pal, for honest and for the true… But I can tell you two things… One, whoever’s got a mad-on for you is serious. I’m just a prawn in an ant-Spidey jambalaya that’s simmering to perfection… and two… I really am a FAN, but when we cross paths in Deadpool issue #19 I’m gonna DUTCH OVEN you with your own webs.
REFERENCE: [Dutch oven = pulling the covers over someone’s head after farting under the covers.]
Deadpool teleports away, leaving a bewildered Spider-Man.
Deadpool #21 Written by Daniel Way; Art by Carlo Barberi and Sandu Florea 2010-05
Spider-Man brings Deadpool’s lead filled corpse to the Baxter building for help. The Reeds are less than pleased. But they did take care of Deadpool and patched up Spider-Man’s injured shoulder.
SPIDEYPOOL/REP/HEALING: [Spider-Man]: How is he? [Reed]: Normally, I would use the term “STABLE”, but– [Spider-Man]: Yeah, I know. I’m sorry, Reed. [Reed]: No apologies necessary. Just get him out of here.
Meanwhile, Deadpool shoots himself in an attempt to shoot his gun with his feet like Hit-Monkey did.
Reed strongly suggests Spider-Man take Deadpool and leave. Spider-Man sheepishly leads Deadpool out.
REP: [Sue]: How did he get a GUN in here?!
A short while later…
SPIDEYPOOL/QUEER: [Deadpool]: Swanky hotel, huh? You could be rollin’ like this too if you let me hook you up with that Spider-Cave– [Spider-Man]: I told you I don’t want a Spider-Cave. [Deadpool]: Offer’s still good partner. Let’s see what’s on the tube. [Spider-Man]: Don’t get comfortable. We’re just here so I can–OW!–change my clothes. And because I can’t TRUST you any farther than I can SEE you.
Spider-Man recaps the end of last issue to “fill in the blanks” after Deadpool was killed.
Deadpool notes that Hit-Monkey didn’t shoot Spider-Man on purpose, and Spider-Man agrees that Hit-Monkey seemed “sad” about shooting him
SPIDEYPOOL/REP/HERO: [Deadpool]: Really? That’s weird… [Spider-Man]: No, actually, it’s NOT. Unlike YOU, MOST people would regret… [Deadpool]: Unlike ME, most people would be dead right now. Because that’s what happens when Hit-Monkey shoots you.
Deadpool then takes his turn in the bathroom and offers up a bit of bathroom-humor as distraction.
Some time passes, and Spider-Man is getting annoyed. He finally knocks on the door…
SPIDEYPOOL: [Spider-Man]: Look, my roomma–I mean… We gotta go.
The door opens and he discovers that Deadpool has stolen the costume Spider-Man had just changed out of and has taken off out the window.
The next morning… Peter is horrified to read front and center about Spider-Man’s death.
SPIDEYPOOL/REP: “Spider-Man” came to a hospital with a gunshot wound to his shoulder. The bullet was lodged to close to his heart and he died. The hospital confirmed that the man was “something more than human” but they won’t reveal his civilian identity as a final request to “Spider-Man”.
Peter calls Reed Richards to confirm that he is in fact still alive, and that he’s going to his funeral to see if he can find out what’s going on.
There’s a bit of a stir in the crowd when Hit-Monkey comes to pay his respects. Peter realizes what’s up and calls out that there’s a gun. A cop wonders how a gun could get past the metal detectors, and Deadpool, popping out of the coffin, answers:
HERO/CRAZY: [Deadpool]: Officers? Arrest that money. [Yellow]: We did it! WE DID IT! [White]: We followed the rules and everything! WE’RE A HERO! [Deadpool]: This might just be the proudest moment of my– [Cop]: Drop your weapons! [Deadpool]: Huh? [Cop]: Now! [Deadpool]: Hey, you got it all wrong–I’m the good guy!
But the cops don’t believe Deadpool that the monkey is the threat, not when it’s Deadpool and he’s armed up with assault rifles in both hands.
Hit-Monkey knocks out both cops and takes their guns. But when he goes to face Deadpool, he’s gone.
HERO/CRAZY: [White]: Well, no one can say we didn’t try… [Yellow]: Hey, we gave it our best shot. [Deadpool]: Not yet, we haven’t…
But before he can shoot at Hit-Monkey’s back, he’s stopped by Spider-Man grabbing the gun out of his hand and holding him in a choke hold.
SPIDEYPOOL/HERO/REP: [Spider-Man]: What the hell are you DOING?! We agreed–NO KILLING! [Deadpool]: I… tried… [Spider-Man]: What about faking my death? Do you have any idea how much damage you caused to my family? To this city? [Deadpool, looking downcast]: No…
Despite, his frustration with Deadpool, he still works with him as they plan what to do next. Deadpool asks for his gun back. Spider-Man gives it back, but the tip is bent back.
Deadpool snickers because he has another gun, but when he grabs it he sees that Spider-Man bent the tip of that one too.
Deadpool steps out, pretending like he’s about to fire at Hit-Monkey, and does draw Hit-Monkey’s attention. Then Spider-Man swoops in and knocks Hit-Monkey to the wall, disarming him.
SPIDEYPOOL/REP/HERO: [Deadpool]: What’re you waiting for? Web ‘im up! [Spider-Man]: That just sees so…inhumane. [Deadpool]: What’re you, a PETA spokesperson all of a sudden? That thing’s a killer! [Spider-Man]: So are you! [Deadpool]: What?! I’m nothing like–! [A long beat] [Deadpool]: Yeah. You’re right.
Deadpool kneels down to talk to Hit-Monkey on his level.
REP/HERO: [Deadpool]: We’re not so different, are we? We’re both… TRAPPED, compelled by forced we don’t understand to do the things we do. We weren’t BORN this way–this is just how we… ended up. [Deadpool]: But I’m trying to CHANGE that, Hit-Monkey… I’m trying to change MYSELF. and if I can do it, maybe you can, too. Whatta ya say?
Hit-Monkey bites Deadpool’s face. They both pull guns on the other.
SPIDEYPOOL/HERO: [Spider-Man]: No–Don’t! If you pull those triggers, those guns will blow up! You’ll BOTH be killed! [A beat as the two killers glare at each other] [Deadpool]: Deal.
He fires and the guns explode, blasting both Hit-Monkey and Deadpool.
The cops come in to take care of things and see Spider-Man.
SPIDEYPOOL/REP: [Cop]: Spidey…? …You’re ALIVE?! [Spider-Man]: Yeah. But he’s not. [Cop]: Who cares?
They cops hold out Spider-Man to the crowds outside like a hero.
Four hours later, in Rikers Island Prison…
Deadpool is sitting on a prison bed, his heads and feet bound up in chains.
HERO/SPIDEYPOOL: [Deadpool]: You know I’m gonna bust outta here, right? The only question is WHEN. [Spider-Man]: How about NOW?
Spider-Man bursts through the wall. He removes Deadpool’s bindings.
SPIDEYPOOL/REP: [Deadpool]: Ooh, you’re gonna get in trouble for that… [Spider-Man]; No, I won’t–YOU will. Get outta New York City. And take your psychotic monkey hitman WITH you.
Hit-Monkey’s body wasn’t found, so he’s still probably just as alive as Deadpool. Spider-Man wants them both gone.
SPIDEYPOOL/REP/HERO: [Deadpool]: Kinda ironic, isn’t it? This town LOVES you so much, they’d let you get away with MURDER, but ME…? They’d never give me credit for so much as helping an old lady cross the street. Y'know, I never assumed that this whole “hero” thing would be EASY… kinda disappointing to find out that it’s actually IMPOSSIBLE. For me, at least. [Spider-Man]: Oh, BOO-HOO. “I’m a lonely and misunderstood freak of nature and no one loves me!” [Deadpool is taken aback and looks rather hurt]
SPIDEYPOOL/REP/HERO: [Deadpool]: Wow. THAT’S cruel… [Spider-Man]: No, it’s ME… or at least, it USED to be me. I’ve been where you ARE Deadpool– I could’ve BEEN you. It would’ve been EASY to be you. [Deadpool]: You think this is EASY?! [Spider-Man]: It’s ALWAYS easy to be what you are–What’s HARD is to be what you WANT to be. [Deadpool]: I just wanna be the good guy. [Spider-Man]: No, you want people to LOVE you for BEING the good guy. It’s not the same thing. [Spider-Man swings away, leaving Deadpool to leave or stay as he will] [Deadpool]: Yeah… it is.
Fourth Walls, Insanity, and Self-Loathing in Cable & Deadpool
Deadpool continues his fine tradition of Fourth Wall breakage, and it becomes further entwined with Deadpool’s madness (or at least, how others view him). Of course, Deadpool IS insane. He also hates himself, and all of these points mix and merge throughout the Cable & Deadpool series.
There are a LOT of instances of Fourth Wall breaking, mentions of Deadpool’s insanity, and his self-loathing found in this run. Rather than list them all (which can be found with a tag search) I’m going to just list out some of the highlights below.
Deadpool is aware of the tropes and methods of the comic medium which he expresses with this fourth wall breaking:
#10 [Deadpool]: Well, that was the coolest expository dialogue I have ever had!
[Deadpool]: That fight lasted as long as Deathlok’s last comic
#11 [Weasel]: And you’re saying Cable’s body was mostly made out of this stuff? [Deadpool]: It’s a bit more complicated an’ it requires a LOT of expository dialogue [Weasel]: Wade…are we still allowed to do flashbacks? [Deadpool]: Who’s gonna stop me?
#13 [Deadpool narration about Prester John]: Prester John fought the Fantastic Four and Thor, had an Evil Eye, or used an Evil Eye, I have no idea, ‘cause the handbook I usually refer to was pretty vague. Don’t know how he got here, but he’s big and has a funny mustache and Patrick gets to draw funky armor and a horse, so here he is.
[Deadpool narration]: Something about the way they looked at each other, then looked at me, got me thinkin’ now would be a the perfect time for…a sub-plot cutaway! If you’ve only been reading comics for a few years, a sub-plot is a time-tested story-telling device for sequential fiction that alludes—which means hints—to a developing storyline that slowly escalates on a monthly base until it becomes the main story. Adding an additional layer of complexity—or pencil-gnashing editorial anger, take your pick—is the fact that this cutaway also alludes (that still means hints) to current events happening to my good pal (okay, he hates me) Wolverine.
#16 FOURTH-WALL [Deadpool narration]: Funny, hit a new world and my first thought is “Cable took it over”. Wonder if that means anything to the themes and subtext of the story? Probably not.
#20 [Deadpool]: DRAT! Everyone gets my voice on account of the hollow crinkly De-MEE sound it makes the funky yellow balloons. But you have me at a disadvantage, good sir.
#22 [Cat]: We know who we are, Wilson. [Deadpool]: I was doing it all for the kids who didn’t read the recap page. [Diamondback]: What? [Deadpool]: Hmm, thought I was cured of that “fourth wall” thing…
#27 [Deadpool]: Isn’t expository dialogue informative and fun?
#31 [Deadpool]: Now stay out of this so I can square off for the match-up that might actually increase my sales!
#38 [Deadpool]: Of all the possible agents to use as my beast of burden, Bob, Agent of Hydra, one would almost think we were forcing you down our readers’ throats as some kind of possible LIMITED SERIES or something. [Bob]: Huh—? [Deadpool]: Never mind.
#43 [Deadpool]: Man… I really thought you woulda come back by now. I mean, it’s been a few weeks. How long does it take to travel through time or clone yourself or whatever other lame explanation they’re going to come up with when you return…?
#49 [Weasel]: Isn’t Magneto dead? [Deadpool]: Wait ‘til the crossover…
#50 [Deadpool]: Hey, Irene! Irene Merryweather! Ireen Merryweather, former reporter and chief of staff to my former best bud, Cable, (who died and left me with a solo team-up book, then came back to life in a big, successful crossover that I wasn’t invited to participate in)
And at one point there’s even a running gag involving his narration box/speaking out loud:
#30 [Deadpool narration]: Weird how he could read my captions like that? [Deadpool narration]: Hey, that’s twice now. What’s going on here? [Bertha]: You’re saying everything out loud! [Deadpool narration]: I am? [Bertha]: Yes! [Deadpool narration]: Oh. Weird. Coulda sworn I was in first person narrative form.
[Deadpool narration]: Hmmm. Must be talking out loud again. [Deadpool]: Gotta find out what’s wrong with my first person narra—-YEEEOWWWW!
[Deadpool narration]: I could take them all out at once. That would get me my own solo book, or better, my own MOVIE. First person captions are working again. [Random woman]: y’talkin’ t’yourself, dude. [Deadpool]: Okay, maybe not.
[Deadpool narration]: Nnff— Bubba bubba bubba! Thought the first person narration was working again. Obviously it’s not. Oh, there you go.
[Deadpool]: Uhoh. [Deadpool narration]: Uhoh. [Deadpool narration]: Did I say that out loud? Echo. [Deadpool]: Echo.
Deadpool doesn’t just have knowledge of the general comic tropes, but specific comic events he shouldn’t have knowledge of:
#50 [Spider-Man]: Great. You got SIDEKICKS now. [Deadpool]: I call them loyal supporting cast, Mr. Holier-than-thou-fugitive-from-the-law, Spider-Man. And I don’t have to make a deal with Mephisto to have it, either. [Spider-Man]: ? [Deadpool]: Never mind.
Summer Fun [Deadpool]: I see my reputation precedes me… [Big Bertha]: They’re talking about Squirrel Girl. She’s sort of beaten M.O.D.O.K….and Dr. Doom… And Thanos…single-handedly… [Deadpool]: Oh, c’mon, those stories can’t actually count in CONTINUITY!
Besides just comics, his fourth wall awareness can also include the Marvel and related movie universes:
#24 [Deadpool]: Oh, Spider-Man! What a relief! [Spider-Man]: You SHOULD be scared of me, Deadpool. [Deadpool]: But you were so ADORABLE in your movies, Toby Maguire-teary doe eyes, disheveled hope and that sweet lisp…
And just in general, Deadpool’s narration has information Deadpool doesn’t have:
#16 Deadpool narration: What with me bein’ brainwashed to fight the biggest threat on earth—
#35 [Deadpool]: Y’know I’m really beginning to wish the RECAP PAGE were part of my regular continuity, ‘cause then I might have a clue about who is responsible for this!
The problem is Deadpool’s awareness of comics/his fourth wall breaking is seen by others as just another symptom of his insanity:
#18 [Deadpool]: I am NOT going back to any more alt-nate worlds! I mean, Days of Future Past was a classic and all, but it’s really all been done to death now… [The others look at him puzzled]
#38 [Deadpool]: Geez, this detail stuff always works better when it’s done between panels. [Bob]: Are you…I mean…is there something wrong with you—I mean…MENTALLY? [Deadpool]: You have no idea.
#47 [Deadpool]: This guy stole my identity—even though he says I stole his—and even though I know it’s all still open for debate depending on which writer you like best, I personally would really prefer that I still be me and he not be me by not being alive! [Poor Deadpool; Doctor Strange and Bob look puzzled by Deadpool’s breakage of the Fourth Wall]
#49 [Irene]: Wade, Listen, since Cable died… [Deadpool]: He’ll be back. Probably once they have a big crossover. [Irene]: What? Never mind.
Of course, Deadpool is legitimately insane, and we see more of just how damaged he is and some of the reason he’s insane:
#14 [Cable]: She reviewed your Weapon X program file. You’ll never be…your cognitive functions will never be normal as long as the healing factor keeps your cancer at bay. [Deadpool]: But if we took the healing factor out of my body, the cancer will kill me? [Cable]: Yes.
#15 [Scientist 1]: His mental functions are…difficult…to sequester, Black Box. [Scientist 2]: Like trying to grab an eel with oily palms
#39 [Deadpool]: I’m a mess because the healing factor regenerates my DECAYING brain cells at such a hyper rate that it screwed with my mind.
People realize he’s insane, of course, but even knowing that, they don’t believe him when he says he doesn’t remember, or that he doesn’t know why he did things:
#14 [Cable]: This whole “brain damage” defense will only take you so far. [Deadpool]: Been working pretty good so far. [Cable]: You think? [Deadpool]: Sure, look how peachy my life is.
#18 [Cannonball]: We identified what was done t’you Wilson, but we still don’t know who did it. [Siryn]: Why can’t you remember Wade? It only happened to you a day ago. [Deadpool]: I just—I just can’t… [Siryn]: Wade, stop this! You’ve always REFUSED to focus, but you were never an AMNESIAC—You’re just playing a game! [Deadpool]: I AM NOT! I know I didn’t used to be this bad, but I forgot when it started happening!
Except, his brain is seriously messed up and he legitimately has holes in his memory:
#18 [Toddler Cable]: I read his mind. I saw black spots. Lots of them. I think I can clean them up.
Cable does heal Deadpool, though it burns out his powers again. Still,
#19 [Cable]: You weren’t kidding. [Deadpool]: What? [Cable]: When you said you were just as much of an idiot BEFORE the brain damage. [Deadpool]: OH. No—Totally the truth.
The heart breaking thing is Deadpool’s awareness of his insanity, and that fuels some of his self-hatred:
#35 [Deadpool]: This ain’t my normal looney tunes world! This is like extra- crispy, handfuls of Viagra kinda crazy! [Deadpool]: None of you can be real…I mean besides the fact you’re all DEAD…except maybe Tiamat…kooky guy…
We see pretty early on hints of Deadpool’s self-loathing. He agrees to let the One World church use his healing ability to perfect their Facade virus. Their experiments are long and very painful for Deadpool. Cable is aware of how much suffering Deadpool is in, and while he refuses to free Deadpool, he does offer him some words of kindness:
#3 [Cable]: I’m here. I’m with you. Just think, don’t speak. [Deadpool]: Yeah. Thas nice t’know…an’ hey, I’m sorry—you know—for pretty much EVERYTHING. I mean, you think I got a shot— you know, at HEAVEN—just in case this don’ pan out? [Cable]: Of course you have a chance, Wade. I’d like to think we all do
Much of Deadpool’s hatred is based on his looks:
[Cable]: The ultimate cynic bought into all of this? [Deadpool]: And you don’t? Look at me! Remember pudding-face Wade?
Deadpool doesn’t think much about himself:
#4 [Cable]: You opinions, Wade! He’s giving you religion, he’s giving you unity, taking away hate—and thought—he’s taking away your right to an opinion! [Deadpool]: Case you ain’t noticed…my opinions only work to cover up the fact that I got nothing.
#19 [Cable]: I could never lose hope, Wade. Ever. [Deadpool]: An’ I could never afford to HAVE it. Ever.
Sometimes he expresses his self-loathing in a childish way, he throws it out in such a way it’s easy for others to dismiss:
#12 [Alex]: I hate you! [Deadpool]: Hah, gotcha beat. ‘Cause I hate me, too!
#15 [Prester John]: Cable justifiably cast you from this island haven for the murder of Haji Bin Barat—you are not wanted here! [Deadpool]: Got that beat, ‘cause I’m not wanted anywhere!
But it’s clearly not just Deadpool making jokes, because he makes the same sort of comments in his narrations:
#38 [Deadpool narration]: HATE Alex Hayden. Hate he’s got GORGEOUS Girl Friday’s who help him. Hate he gets COOL JOBS. Hate he’s BETTER at being me than I am. HATE.
Of course, Deadpool has some pretty terrible things in his past. He’s a mercenary, a killer for hire, and while he’s trying to do better, he’s still haunted by the sins of his past:
#35 [Ajax-Ghost]: Yeah, Wade, he didn’t do anything, but you have. You killed me. You killed ALL of us. How many have you killed, Wade? Lost track probably, right? [Deadpool]: No, I haven’t! [Ajax-Ghost]: So how many then? [Deadpool]: Okay, I have! [Ajax-Ghost]: Well, then, Wade, what does that REALLY say about you then? Is it that the number got so high you just stopped caring…or is it that you never cared to begin with and that’s why the number got so high?
[Ajax-Ghost]: Yes, that’s what I thought. You’re so far lost you don’t even know the answer.
[Deadpool Narration]: Did I stop caring…or did I never care at all…?
Then we get to Daniel Way’s Wolverine Origins storyline (no, not that Wolverine Origins). Here we see the early renditions of the type of fourth-wall breaking, insanity, and self-hatred that he will further develop in his solo-run of Deadpool.
We get early Pool-o-vision hallucinations:
#21 [Deadpool]: How—? Oh. I, ah…drifted, didn’t I?
We get the proto white-box/yellow-box narrations:
“#21 [“white” box]: Dear Diary, I think I might actually be crazy. [Yellow box]: WHAT?! I’m not crazy! [Deadpool]: I just have a vivid imagination, is all…
#22 [“White box”]: He probably thinks you’re a complete moron. Face it…no one really has a high opinion of you, Wade. [Yellow]: I’m a mercenary! No one’s supposed to have a high opinion of me! [“White”]: How convenient. [Yellow]: What? Okay should I, like lie down on the couch for the rest of this, or…? [Deadpool]: Hey! You guys wanna quiet down up there? In case you’ve forgotten, we’ve got some serious work to…
And beneath that wild and zany humor and craziness, Deadpool is covering for the fact that he really doesn’t like himself:
[Deadpool catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror, looks grimly, until he puts his mask on. With the mask on, he gives himself two thumbs up and a cheery “hey-oh!”]
[Deadpool catches his reflection in the pool water, and stops short. He pulls his mask back down]
More on this coming soon as we tackle the Daniel Way run next!
Deadpool: Suicide Kings #3 2009-08 Written by: Mike Benson & Adam Glass, Art by Carlo Barberi and Sandu Florea
Deadpool enters the Black Ops magazine headquarters. As Deadpool didn’t leave the message about a kidnapping note, he isn’t a process server, and he’s not a disgruntled former employee, so the receptionist sends him in. He finds the editor playing a first-person shooter game.
Deadpool’s arrival interrupts the editor’s concentration and he dies. He sticks a gun in Deadpool’s face, but Deadpool slices the gun in half. Deadpool asks again for the name of the man who put out the ad that started this mess, but the editor refuses.
QUEER: [Deadpool]: Okay, I got a proposition for you. [Editor]: I don’t swing that way, boy. [Deadpool]: Don’t flatter yourself, grandpa.
Deadpool offers to help the editor get past the level he’s stuck on in the video game.
NOTABLE/REP: [Deadpool]: You’re looking at a level 37 four-star general. [Editor]: Bull! I’m looking at a #$?$#%? in a clown costume.
They come to an arrangement.
Deadpool meets up with Dare Devil and Foggy.
QUEER: [Deadpool]: Guy paid in cash, no name, just this envelope. [Dare Devil]: The envelop is made of one hundred percent cotton paper. There’s an embossed crest stamped on it. [Deadpool]: You can feel that? Wow, you must be popular with the ladies. [Foggy]: A raised design on the paper? I see it now… [Deadpool]: Envelopes? Crest? What is this–“Queer Eye for the Straight guy?”
It turns out that the embossed crest is for the O'Shea family, a very wealthy and well-connected family. And there is indeed a son…
Henry is able to find video of Deadpool and Dare Devil making their way through the city and passes the location on to Punisher.
SELF-LOATHING/REP: [Dare Devil]: I can count on you to lay low tonight, right? [Deadpool]: I don’t know– Tuesdays are usually my karaoke night at the China Club. I do Neil Diamond’s “America” like nbobody’s business. [Dare Devil]: Are you EVER serious? [Deadpool]: Sorry, I use humor to deflect my insecurities. Plus, I’m hilarious. So don’t hate.
Dare Devil tells Deadpool to lay low.
REP: [Deadpool]: Remind me why you’re helping me again? [Dare Devil]: Because YOU’RE innocent of this crime… and there’s someone out there who isn’t.
SELF-LOATHING/CRAZY: [Deadpool]: List, I appreciate all the help, boy scout, but if you think I’m not attending this Mardi Graz, you’re crazier than me– and I hear voices. [Yellow]: You realize you said that out loud? [White]: There goes the team-up. [Deadpool]: Y'know I was kidding about the voices thing, right?
Punisher arrives and blasts a sonic blast, debilitating Dare Devil, but Deadpool…
PAST/HEALING/NOTABLE: [Deadpool]: The noise doesn’t bother me. Huge Metallica fan. Over a hundred shows.
While Dare Devil is knocked out of the fight, Punisher and Deadpool fight it out with blades. When it looks like Deadpool is about to get the upper hand, Dare Devil orders Deadpool to stand down.
REP/HERO: [Punisher]: Since when do you come to the aid of mass murderers? [Deadpool]: Hey! First, I only kill for money. Second, looks who’s talking. Third– [Dare Devil]: Because he’s INNOCENT, Frank. He’s annoying, but he didn’t commit this crime.
Their talk is interrupted by approaching cops. The group breaks up, Punisher back to his van, Deadpool with Dare Devil.
Dare Devil and Deadpool go to the O'Shea house. Papa O'Shea knows immediately upon seeing our heroes that his son has gotten himself in trouble again.
HERO: [Deadpool]: …Sent me on a wild goose chase, then blew up a building of innocent people. When I find that little ####, I’m gonna disembowel him. [Dare Devil]: No, you’re not. [Deadpool]: Am too. [Dare Devil]: Mr. O'Shea, we’re not sure what role your son plays in all of this, if he’s innocent or guilty– Deadpool]: Guilty! [Dare Devil]: –But we do know he’s in over his head– [Deadpool]: Which I’m gonna chop right off with this sword. [Dare Devil]: We just need to FIND him.
Mr. O'Shea agrees that he wants his son found, and if guilty, punished. By the law. He tells the heroes that his son can be found with Tombstone.
Tombstone is playing golf and terrorizing Conrad when he learns that Dare Devil and Deadpool were at the O'Shea place.
Dare Devil and Deadpool split up for a few hours; Dare Devil goes into Harlem looking for Tombstone.
Meanwhile, Deadpool heads over to see Outlaw.
CRAZY: [Deadpool calls her Crazy Inez, and she sucker punches him. He envisions her as a beefy black boxer punching him]
She’s in a new place, having her last place damaged during the Punisher/Deadpool brawl, and then getting kicked out for the disturbance.
HEALING: [Deadpool]: You wanna be mad at somebody– be mad at that sick bastard. You lost a couch. That psycho cut off my limbs. I might have the ability to regenerate, but trust me, it ain’t pleasant.
FRIENDS: [Deadpool]: Look, Outlaw, I promise you, once I clear my name, I’ll pay you back. Every last cent. I’ll buy you a barcalounger. We’ll go to Bed, Bath, & Beyond. Sky’s the limit.
Outlaw then asks about how the hunt for the real culprit is going. Very well at the moment, as Deadpool catches sight of Tombstone’s spy.
Deadpool swings across to the building across the way where the spy realizes he’s been spotted.
Deadpool manages to catch the spy on the roof. The guy screams and runs away.
REP/SELF-LOATHING/QUEER: [Deadpool]: Why do people see me and scream? I really have to work on my reputation. [Yellow]: You think? I mean we couldn’t get a date if we bought a calendar. [White]: Damn, that’s cold… but true. Strippers won’t even take our money. And they’re not exactly choosy.
The guy jumps onto a window washer crane, but Deadpool follows and slices the cables, sending it crashing to the ground.
HERO: [Deadpool saves the man before the crane crashes]
QUEER: [Deadpool]: That ride really excited you, huh? I can tell. GET OFF.
While Deadpool tries to shake the guy down for Tombstone’s location, he’s caught by Spider-Man.
SPIDEYPOOL/QUEER: [Spider-Man]: Nice costume. Love all the pockets. You’re like a walking fanny pack. Bet you have to beat the ladies off with a stick. [Deadpool]: You should talk. Your costume’s so tight you can tell what religion you are. Ever hear of a cup? [Spider-Man]: Yeah, but the chaffing was killing me, So I decided to go commando. [Spider-Man]: If you have anymore Spidey questions you can check out the Spidey-blog or ask them on the way to jail.
Deadpool proclaims his innocence, but Spider-Man doesn’t believe him. And then Punisher head-shots Deadpool, exploded his head in a nasty, bloody goo.
Deadpool: Suicide Kings #5 2009-10 Written by: Mike Benson & Adam Glass, Art by Carlo Barberi and Sandu Florea
Tombstone and the Wrecking Crew face off against Deadpool and Spider-Man.
SPIDEYPOOL/QUEER/REP/NOTABLE: [Wrecker to Spider-Man]: Ain'tcha gonna introduce us to your girlfriend ‘fore we pound his brains outta his nose? [Deadpool]: Some people call me Deadpool. Some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, 'cause I speak of the pompatus of love. [Spider-Man]: You asked.
The fight starts.
REP: [Deadpool]: Before the festivities begin– You guy shave heard of me before, right? The merc with a mouth? Ring any bells? [Yellow]: Oh god. Shameless. [White]: Pandering.
Wrecker belts Spider-Man into orbit.
SPIDEYPOOL: [Deadpool, watching Spider-Man get sent flying]: Oooh. Glad I’m not him right about now.
Distracted by watching Spider-Man, Deadpool is hit hard in the back. He gets piled on by Piledriver and Wrecker.
CRAZY: [Deadpool hallucinates as he gets knocked down].
Spider-Man slams into the ground behind the fallen Deadpool. The Wrecking Crew is about to finish Deadpool off, but Spider-Man recovers and webs Wrecker in the eye.
SPIDEYPOOL/QUEER: [Spider-Man]: Don’t tell me this is the first time you took one in the eye.
Spider-Man and Deadpool stand back-to-back, facing off against the Crew.
[Deadpool]: This feels very “Lethal Weapon”. [Spider-Man]: One or two? [Deadpool]: There was a sequel? Tell me you got an ace up your sleeve? [Spider-Man]: I’m a sort of a fly-by-my-pants kind of guy. [Wrecker]: Wreckin’ Crew–Let’s make it rain! [Spider-Man]: Spiffy catchphrase. [Deadpool]: Please. Stole it from “The Warriors”–Remember the orphans scene? [Spider-Man]: Riiiiight!
The Wrecking Crew are hit by a laser blast.
SPIDEYPOOL/CRAZY/SELF-LOATHING: [Deadpool]: Do you see hat… Or is this a Pool-O-Vision shot? [Yellow]: Great! Let the whole world know about the “Pool-o-Vsion” shots! [White]: Blurter! [Spider-Man]: You mean the Punisher on Green Goblin’s glider, wearing Unicorn’s battle ram and the Claw’s prosthetic hand? [Deadpool]: Yeah! Good. We’re all good here. [Deadpool]: Never thought I’d be happy to see that guy. [Spider-Man]: Give it a minute. The night is still young. [Deadpool]: True dat.
Punisher joins the fight.
FOURTH-WALL: [Wrecker]: Buncha minor league wannabes. Yer kiddin’, right? [Deadpool]: “Wannabes”? [Yellow]: Yeah. We got TWO books out right now. [White]: And another next month.
Punisher hits the Wrecking Crew with a Hobgoblin knock-out gas pumpkin.
SPIDEYPOOL/FOURTH-WALL/CRAZY: [Spider-Man]: Hobgoblin’s jack-o'latenterns pack enough knockout gas to put down a herd of elephants. [Deadpool]: Ahhh… the old knockout gas-in-the-jack-o'lantern trick. Very Golden Age. Very Steve Ditko. [Spider-Man]: What? [Deadpool with a sad smile]: Nothing.
With Punisher’s help, the heroes defeat the Wrecking Crew. Deadpool continues on after Tombstone, who has gotten to another motorcycle, kicking his man off of it.
Deadpool follows back to Tombstone’s place. Conrad has finally given up, sick of Tombstone’s bullying. He bulks as Tombstone is about to drag him onto his escape helicopter, so Tombstone tosses him into the pit with the man-eating pigs.
HERO/HEALING: [Deadpool, despite being set up by Conrad, saves him from the man-eating pigs, though he lost an arm in the process.]
Conrad reveals that this was all a bet between Tombstone and him about whether Tombstone could take Deadpool out.
HERO: [Deadpool]: You killed all those people in that building for a bet? [Tombstone]: That’s how I roll. [Deadpool]: Yeah, like a punkass gangsta wannabe.
Tombstone objects to Deadpool calling him that and faces off against Deadpool. Deadpool attacks, but he doesn’t know that Tombstone’s skin is diamond-tough and that he is invulnerable. Deadpool’s attacks backfire and Tombstone defeats him.
Just as Tombstone is about to finish Deadpool sweeps Tombstone’s legs out from under him and pounces, threatening to send a ragged wrist bone through Tombstone’s not-invulnerable eye.
HERO/REP: [Tombstone]: What do you want? [Deadpool]: A confession. [Tombstone]: Nobody’s gonna believe you. [Deadpool]: You’re right. That’s why I’m rollin’ with my posse. [Yellow]: Posse/ God, you’re so white. [White]: So that’s why we can’t dance.
Dare Devil, Spider-Man, and Punisher all show up, having Deadpool’s back.
Soon… Deadpool returns Conrad to the O'Shea home. O'Shea expresses his displeasure with this son and questions why he should let Deadpool kill him.
HERO: [Conrad]: What? Are you kidding me? [Deadpool]: Yeah, what he said. [Mr. O'Shea]: I’m deadly serious. [Deadpool]: Uhm. I thought you said there was a ransom to be had?
Mr. O'shea gives Deadpool a suitcase of money and then has Deadpool let the police in.
Later… Deadpool leads Outlaw into a place with his hands covering her eyes.
QUEER: [Outlaw]: Can I look already? [Deadpool]: Mmm– In a sec… *sniff* *Sniff* [Outlaw]: Are you smelling me? [Deadpool]: Kind of. Okay, you can open your eyes.
Deadpool has led Outlaw to a new, furnished apartment that he bought for her.
FRIENDS: [Outlaw]: This one of your jokes, Wade? [Deadpool]: Not a joke, Outlaw. I ruined your last place and got you bounced out of that crappy hotel. You’ve always been there for me– I wanted to do something nice for you. It’s not like I have that many friends. [Outlaw]: What’s the catch? There’s ALWAYS a catch. [Deadpool]: I dunno. If the Punisher destroys my next place, I can crash with you? The couch folds out into a bed. [Outlaw embraces him]: I don’t know what to say, Wade. No one’s ever done anything remotely lie this for me before.
Outlaw raises his mask up to kiss him, then throws him down onto the bed.
FRIENDS/QUEER: [Yellow]: Is this REALLY happening? [White]: I was just about to ask you the same thing. [Deadpool]: Outlaw *umpf* I didn’t buy it for you to get into y– [Outlaw]: THAT’S why it’s happening. [Yellow]: Maybe there is a god. [White]: Can you not talk and let me enjoy this. [Deadpool]: Be gentle with me.
Cable & Deadpool #24 2006-02 Written by Fabian Nicieza, Art by Patrick Zircher
Unbeknownst to him, Deadpool is getting jobs by Cable. His current mission is to break into a government facility and to “scuttle” the “top secret research program”.
PAST: [Deadpool]: When I was a kid, I had a whole bunch G.I. Joes– and I’m talking ORIGINAL plastic-haired ones, not the fuzzy hair kung-fu grip guys–or those little pansy tiny ones with the funny names and the cartoon–a CARTOON? Plastic-haired Joe would roll over in his grave… If he COULD roll over…I sort of pulled his arms ‘n legs off…then blew him up with an m- 80…before I buried him in a show box with my hamster, Jolly Nuts…better not to ask.
HERO: [Deadpool is using non-lethal force, using a baton instead of his swords or guns.
Unfortunately, his target isn’t actually in the facility, but one of the soldiers has been leaking the story to a Daily Bugle reporter.
CABLEPOOL/REP: [Irene]: I really do NOT want to talk to Deadpool…much less go all the way back to Manhattan to do it! So, Nathan–give me one good reason why I have to do this? [Cable]: Give me about ten seconds and I can give you fifty.
Despite having Gareb’s help and the world of computer information at their fingertips, Cable doesn’t know where the “Cone of Silence” is since it was moved from the fort Deadpool attacked, so he wants Deadpool to keep following his lead through the reporter, and therefore, he wants Irene to help Deadpool. She reluctantly agrees to make some calls, but she sees no reason to go in person…
QUEER/LOOKS/CLOTHES: [Irene]: I really can’t believe how nice your apartment is… [Deadpool is in a tux. He’s not wearing his costume under the tux, as evidence by the fact that his hands are bare. He does have his Deadpool mask on.] [Deadpool]: Well, I have to be honest… I tidied up a bit when I found out you were coming. You know, Irene…you could have told me all this over the phone…you didn’t have to come over…unless… you WANTED to see me… Some champagne? Fresh beluga and buns? [Irene]: Are you…you’re not… please say you’re not… Are you…HITTING on me? [Deadpool]: If I may…you’re looking might fresh for a woman in her pre-menopausal years. [Irene]: AAAAAAAAAAA
Irene has found that the reporter the soldier had been talking to is a old colleague, Ellis Ken. Deadpool stalks the reporter, following when Ellis with Peter Parker in tow as his photographer, are out on assignment.
Deadpool jumps onto the speeding van and tosses Peter out the door and over the bridge.
HERO: [Deadpool]: Oh, crap. I might’ve killed him. Why oh why do I let my enthusiastic nature always get the best of me? So…about Peter…For the sake of my need to rationalize my own actions, let’s say he’s a world-class Olympic CLIFF- DIVER…and I KNEW that–So really, he’ll have no problems surviving the fall–I mean the dive–into the East River, Right? So if the cops ask, we make an agreement here and now, we both KNEW that Peter would be fine…Okay?
Thankfully for Peter, he’s actually Spider-Man, and he is able to use his natural web-shooting to catch himself, pull his mask over his head, and set up a web trap to stop Ken’s vehicle so he can confront Deadpool.
SPIDEYPOOL/QUEER/HERO/FOURTH WALL: [Deadpool]: Oh, Spider-Man! What a relief! [Spider-Man]: You SHOULD be scared of me, Deadpool. [Deadpool]: But you were so ADORABLE in your movies, Toby Maguire-teary doe eyes, disheveled hope and that sweet lisp… [Spider-Man]: You’re NUTS! You’re also lucky I caught that guy you flung off the bridge! [Deadpool]: Ha! Absolution! “Officer, I knew Spider-Man was there to catch the innocent hacky-sack so I threw him as a distraction!” [Spider-Man]: Why aren’t you rotting in a jail somewhere is beyond me… [Deadpool]: Maybe it’s 'cause I never went up against a tough guy like you… [Spider-Man]: Yeah–Let’s call me a step up from Dr. Bong…
SPIDEYPOOL/FOURTH WALL/HERO: [Deadpool, again fighting with his baton, using non-lethal attacks]: Okay, so when I got bitten by a radioactive spider– All I got was a RASH on my inner thigh like you wouldn’t believe– That doesn’t mean I can’t do some fancy moves, too! [Spider-Man]: Fancy? You got thighs like a tree–you move like a groundhog–you got no lean, mean grooves! Chicks don’t dig you–And kids don’t wear Deadpool underroos! [Deadpool]: I’ve had like–THREE action figures of me–and I heard they might make a PLUSH TOY, too! And T-Shirts, so…so…so THERE! [Deadpool]: Okay, fine, you win that round! But I’ve killed like HUNDREDS more people than you have! [Spider-Man]: And that’s supposed to be a PLUS, you’re thinking?
Irene, sitting in Deadpool’s apartment, calls Cable, worried that the Spider-Man/Deadpool fight is going to get out of hand.
CABLEPOOL: [Cable is monitoring the Spider-Man/Deadpool fight] [Irene]: Oh, you trust Wilson won’t put CIVILIANS in jeopardy just to cover his butt? [Cable]: As a matter of fact, YES, I do. [Irene]: Nate, whatever you have planned here, it better be worth giving your pet MANIAC such a LONG leash! [Cable]: It is, and TRUST me… the leash has always come equipped with a choke collar…
SPIDEYPOOL/FOURTH WALL: [Deadpool]: Ow! Ow and ow! You got the powers of a friggin’ SPIDER–how can you hit so HARD? When’s the last time a spider tossed out a knockout punch? [Spider-Man]: PROPORTIONATE strength of a spider. [Deadpool]: What the heck does that mean? And why the heck are they all cheering for YOU! They used to HATE you! [Spider-Man]: I EARNED their TRUST. [Deadpool]: Bull-hockey. I just think it’s those Tobey doe- eyes [Spider-Man]: I’m an AVENGER now and you’ll always be a punk! [Deadpool]:They let ANYONE be an Avenger now! I heard Black Talon is an Avenger!
Spider-Man knocks Deadpool, sending him into a crowd of civilians.
CABLEPOOL/SPIDEYPOOL/HERO: [Cable]: Too much TEMPTATION…Wade, don’t do it… [Deadpool grabs the arm of one of the woman near him]: C'mere a sec, sweetie. I’m not gonna hurt you…then again, my threshold for pain is probably a bit higher than yours… [Spider-Man]: Don’t do it, Deadpool! [Deadpool]: Do what? Let you punch me in the face some more, okay, I won’t do that. I wasn’t using guns here–or swords– I’m not killing anyone here–I got hired to do a job. That’s all I’m trying to do–
Cable and Gareb use their technology to reach out to Ken’s phone and text him a message that Deadpool can help him with his investigation. Ken comes out and stops the fight.
HERO: [Spider-Man]: What about that guy he threw off the bridge? [Deadpool]: I knew you were there all along. I thought we established that earlier when I was both surprised and relieved to find out you’d caught him. Did I just say that out loud?
The story gets published, the government project, which would have been used to cut off Providence from the rest of the world, is scraped, and Deadpool got to have a mission, carefully monitored by Cable, of course.
CABLEPOOL: [Irene]: And you’re okay with Wilson using innocent civilians? [Cable]: But he DIDN’T hurt anyone, did he? [Irene]: But he was GOING to! [Cable]: But he didn’t. [Irene]: Because YOU took the choice out of his hands! [Cable]: It’s called being a good friend. [Irene]: You could rationalize anything. [Cable]: I could have activated our mutual bodyslide at any time–teleported Wade out of harm’s way. [Irene]: You mean out of harming someone else.
Merc with a Mouth #7 Written by Victor Gischler; Art by Bong Dazo, Jose Pimentel, Matt Milla; 2010-03
Deadpool went with Headpool through a dimensional portal in a southern Florida swamp.
Major Wilson of S.H.I.E.L.D. Art by Kyle Baker
He lands in the first world, surrounded by soldiers pointing guns at him. These solders are led by Major Wilson of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Deadpool is confused as he thought the portal would be a direct one into the zombie realm, but quickly recovers from his surprise and is excited to see another “member of the Wade posse”. He goes up for a high five, but is denied.
CRAZY/SELF-LOATHING: [Yellow]: This guy is a total knob. I thought we were cooler than that. [White]: I KNOW we’re cooler than that helmet.
Deadpool decides they’re done here and that they’re going to go through the portal again. Major Wilson orders his men to capture Deadpool and they catch him in a net.
CRAZY: [Deadpool]: They got me, Head! Run! Save yourself! [Headpool]: Hilarious. [White]: Ha. Because he’s legless. [Yellow]: Yes. That’s the joke.
Ten minutes later, Deadpool is chained up in a jail cell. Major Wilson questions Deadpool on whether there is an attack force that will follow Deadpool through the portal.
CRAZY: [Yellow]: Oh, hell. I can’t believe we’re the most sane person in the room.
Deadpool tries again to explain that they aren’t some advance scout and that they got to this universe by accident, but Major Wilson isn’t taking the risk when he’s the one responsible for the safety of the United States of North America.
The Deadpools clearly don’t like each other. Deadpool eggs on Major Wilson until he agrees to a fight.
Major Wilson removes his shirt and mask and prepares to fight.
QUEER: [Yellow]: The son of a bitch is gorgeous. [White]: No fair! [Deadpool]: Come get messed up, pretty boy. [Major Wilson]: You’re all mouth.
They fight hand to hand.
QUEER: [Major Wilson]: You have some skill, I commend you. [Deadpool]: And I commend you on your minty breath. [Major Wilson]: I fail to see how good oral hygiene enters into this. [Yellow]: I bet he flosses every day. [White]: TWICE a day. [Deadpool]: You utter bastard.
Deadpool fakes having a seizure, claiming that he and Headpool have a symbiotic relationship and he can’t survive having Headpool separated for so long. Major Wilson doesn’t buy it at first, but when he starts to doubt himself, Deadpool takes advantage and gets a sucker punch in.
Deadpool beats on Major Wilson.
CRAZY/HERO/QUEER: [Yellow]: Whoa, cowboy. He’s out cold. [Deadpool]: I felt like destroying something beautiful. [White]: Hey, that’s from Fight Club. [Deadpool]: Never talk about fight club!
Deadpool dons Major Wilson’s top and helmet.
QUEER/CRAZY: [White]: Oh, come one, fashion victim. Not the helmet. [Yellow]: It’s a DISGUISE, stupid. [White]: I knew that.
As Major Wilson, Deadpool gets Headpool and gets to the portal just as the real Major Wilson returns. Deadpool falls into the portal amidst the gunfire.
Chapter Two: Rebel America Art by Rob Liefeld
Deadpool and Headpool land in a new world, a partially destroyed city.
FOURTH WALL: [Yellow]: Hey, what happened to the helmet and vest? [White]: Continuity error. Alonso and Girner asleep at the wheel again.
Deadpool watches as Captain America takes down a group of men. He is kicked by a familiarly clad leg.
LQUEER/LREP: [Captain America]: You! Traitorous scum! It will be a pleasure to finally rid the nation of your filth. [Wanda]: Now come on, Captain… I’ll bet you say that to all the girls.
QUEER: [Deadpool]: Oh. My. Goddess. [Headpool]: Will you %@$%& pick me up already?! [Deadpool]: Okay, okay. Get a load of her. [Headpool]: Va-voom. We’re hot! Why couldn’t I have been sent to this reality instead of stuck in dino-land with you? [Deadpool]: Yeah, well, just watch and learn from this quality Don Juan action.
LREP: [Captain America]: Lady, it’s still not too late to do the right thing. Stop this rebellion and swear loyalty to your country. Your example will mean a lot to the other heroes who’ve made the wrong decision. [Wanda]: It’s too late for that, and you know it. You’re supporting a government that’s appointed itself Big Brother, stripping away liberties, creating a fascist state “for our own good”. Also, I think shield’s are queer. [Captain America]: This is the fate of our nation we’re talking about. I should have expected you wouldn’t take it seriously. Maybe I should just.
Deadpool jumps in and knocks Captain America down.
QUEER: [Deadpool]: All part of the service, milady. Windbags disposed of romantic fantasies fulfilled. [Wanda]: Well I didn’t need any help, but I do admire your fashion sense. [Deadpool]: Yeah, we covered that in the last universe. What say we get a couple of Frescas and–
Deadpool is interrupted by Captain America smashing him with his shield.
[Captain America]: I didn’t know you had a twin brother. [Wanda]: Never seen him but I like the cut of his jib. I freely admit I don’t know what a jib is. [Deadpool]: And now it’s whoop-ass time. [an aside] Don’t worry, we’ll look up jib later in Wikipedia.
They exchange some blows, then Deadpool ducks off for a moment.
LQUEER: [Deadpool]: Hold him off. I’ll be right back. [Wanda]: Leaving in the middle of a smackdown is no way to win a girl’s heart. [Captain America]: Looks like your sidekick has taken a powder. [Wanda]: You’re just jealous. Don’t fret. You have my FULL ATTENTION now.
Deadpool throws Headpool at Captain America. Headpool takes a solid bite of Captain America’s arm. While he’s distracted, both Deadpool’s knock him out with a flying kick and then pummel him to unconsciousness.
QUEER/LQUEER: [Deadpool]: That’s some quality pummeling. [Wanda]: I was about to say the same to you.
With Captain America down, his soldiers flee.
HERO: [Deadpool]: I’m going to have to take that arm off before the zombie virus spreads. The rest of him should be okay.
Having won the day, Wanda turns her attention to Deadpool.
LQUEER/QUEER: [Wanda]: You’re quite the interesting chap. I wish I could think of some way to thank you for your help. Perhaps…
She raises her mask over her mouth
LQUEER/QUEER: [Wanda and Deadpool kiss. Then then pull away.] [Deadpool]: So… Uh… Maybe… [Wanda]: Yeah… Uh… [Deadpool]: That was odd. [Wanda]: Disturbing. [Deadpool]: I’m just gonna, you know, grab this head and Cap’s arm and take off.
Deadpool grabs Headpool, who is still munching on Captain America’s severed arm.
QUEER: [Headpool]: So how was your first experience with inter-dimensional self-incest? [Deadpool]: Shut up.
They go through the portal again.
Chapter Three: The Deadpool Kid Art by Das Pastoras
Deadpool and Headpool land in some wild west style town, and are mistaken by the people as “The Deadpool Kid”.
A Western old Nick Fury (not the Samuel L. Jackson one) and a Western Wolverine face off against Deadpool.
WOLVERINE: [Yellow]: Logan. Perfect.
Deadpool tries to explain that they have the wrong guy and that he just wants to get back to the portal and will get out of their hair. And then The Deadpool Kid shows up, proclaiming, “Now that I have a new partner, me and this other Deadpool are gonna run this here town.”
HERO: And then shoots The Deadpool Kid in the head.
The old version Nick Fury and Wolverine have a beat, then Nick decides “Works for me” and Wolverine agrees.
Deadpool goes back to the portal.
They appear back into the swamp in southern Florida. Dr. Betty and Bill the Agent of A.I.M. are still there, and very unhappy by Deadpool’s return with Headpool. They have apparently been away for a few seconds.
Deadpool questions how that could be possible, and he gets an answer by the arrival of the Sorcerer Supreme.
CRAZY: [Deadpool]: am I seeing this right? [Headpool]: It ain’t Pool-o-Vision.
X-Factor #200 Written by Peter David, Art by Bing Cansino with Marco Santucci, and Patrick Piazzalunga 2010-02
Siryn, at a very low point in her life (Her father is recently dead, she slips in and out of alcoholism, she was involved with Jamie Madrox, but he was two-timing her with Monet, and she had a child with Jamie who turned out to be one of his dupes.) So she apparently hooks up with Deadpool. There is no context for this single page, no lead up that I could find in the few issues before. Seriously, none. And no follow up either. I think this might be their last interaction in the comics, at least from what I can remember.
Considering their previous interactions, she probably was feeling low, called him up, he immediately came over, and she took advantage of his old feelings for her.
REP/HERO/QUEER/ROMANCE/SIRYN: [Deadpool]: *Yawn* You’re up already? [Siryn]: Half the day’s gone. [Deadpool]: That sucks. Come back to bed, Terry. [Siryn]: Can’t. Have things to do. [Deadpool]: You’re the mistress of the castle. Have someone else do them so you can do me. I’ll let you be on top. Hell, we can BOTH be on top. We’ll just need a chin-up bar, duct tape, and some WD-40. [Siryn]: Don’t you have someone to assassinate? [Deadpool]: Sure, but if they have to wait a day, it won’t kill ‘em. [Siryn]: Seriously… this was great, but we’re done now. Okay? [Deadpool]: Okay.. Sure your loss, baby. I’m outta here. [to himself] *choke* I miss her already…