Deadpool Comic Appearance Details #293
X-Men Origins - Deadpool #1
Written by Duane Swierczynski, Art by Leandro Fernandez
A man pulls up to a house on Mulholland Drive. He sees a trial of blood leading from the house. Another man runs from the house, holding a gunshot wound from his leg.
[Shot guy]: He’s INSANE! Run! Run while you still can! I’m tell you man, don’t go in there!
The first man is shaken, but he shrugs off the injured man and continues into the house. There he sees Deadpool, holding a smoking gun.
[Deadpool]: Guess you’re my 3:30.
Deadpool wants to beat anyone else to the punch before Hollywood turns his story into a movie, by turning his story into a movie first. he’s been interviewing screenwriters all day and they “didn’t go so well”.
After 38-minutes, the screenwriter is super excited.
[Screenwriter]: Listen, dawg– we go all Michael Bay on this mother. I’m talking monster brawls. Huge action set pieces. you vs. Sasquatch. You vs. Hulk. Wait, can we get the rights to the Hulk? I don’t know. doesn’t matter.
[Deadpool]: Uh, yeah. I was kind of thinking…
[Screenwriter]: Don’t be like that, bro, don’t be stuck in the old paradigm. You’ve got to go HIGH-CONCEPT!
[Deadpool pulls his gun and points it in the screenwriters face]
[Deadpool]: This high? Or maybe a little higher?
[Screenwriter]: Wait, what are you…
[Deadpool shoots him in the upper arm.]
The screenwriter runs away, holding his injured and bleeding arm.
The next screenwriter isn’t much better. He wants to cut out all the “downer” mercenary stuff. He’ll change Deadpool’s job to country singer and “you’re drunk, and broke, and looking to reconnect with your son…”
Deadpool shoots him in the leg.
Deadpool is out of patience with the next screenwriter, but the next one says he’s not here with a pitch, he’s here to listen. So Deadpool pours them both a drink and tells him his story.
[Deadpool narration]: And like so many origin stories, it starts off with me butt nekkid and in a crazy-ridiculous amount of pain. You may ask: how did I end up in this tank of water, sharp needles jabbin my yin-yang and tubes up my hoo-hah-and-how’s-yer-mother? I, uh… VOLUNTEERED.
[Deadpool narration]: See, it was either painful death from Stage IV cancer– or these experimental trials up in Canada. And looking back on what happened, some might say I should have taken my chances with the big C.
[Deadpool narration]: As the docs explained it, the experiment was a MIXED BAG. Sure my body could regenerate itself at amazing speeds.
[One of the doctors shoots him in the hand. It heals immediately.]
[Deadpool]: Ack… Is it… Supposed to… hurt… so much…
[Another hits him with a blow torch]
[Deadpool narration]: But no matter how radical the injury, I still looked like human hamburger after regenerating. Which wasn’t exactly useful for top secret assasin-type missions– Kind of the whole point. I’d stand out too much in a crowd.
[Deadpool narration]: They told me not to worry, while they sorted it out, I could chill out at a resort to recover. And it was a real club med, if by club med you mean Club Failed Med-ical Experiments.
[Deadpool narration]: Rotting away in my cell, I realized I signed on for a fate worse than cancer. At least cancer ends. This went on and on… potentially forever. I had to find a way out.
In his cell, Deadpool sits on the bottom bunk vocalizing how much pain he’s in.
[Deadpool]: Ow my skin. Ow my skin. Ow my skin. Ow my skin. Ow my skin. Ow my skin hurts. Ow my skin….
[Many people see the above image and use it to point out how much Deadpool suffers from the Weapon X procedure, and it’s possible that it does constantly hurt him as it appears in this image, but at this point, he is actually trying to attract the attention of a guard. And he does.]
[Guard]: Shuddap or I’ll give you something to complain about.
[Deadpool]: Yeah? You want a shot at the title, tubby?
[Guard]: Be GLAD to–
[Deadpool]: Please– I-I… I’m sorry. It just hurts so much.
[The guard leaves, so Deadpool calls out to him again]
[Deadpool]: But seriously– Do you have any Vaseline handy? You know, the kind you use on your stretch marks?
[Guard]: Okay, freak–It’s on. Wait until you see how much your skin can REALLY hurt.
But this is playing into Deadpool’s plan:
[Deadpool narration]: Ah, bullies. They can’t resist kicking the snot out of the little guy.
[Deadpool narration]: And I can’t resist kickin’ the snot out of bullies.
He knocks the guard out and escapes.
[Deadpool narration]: You don’t know the sheer joy of knowing that, no matter what they through at you, they can’t kill you. I’ll admit it. It made me a widdle giddy.
He’s shot repeatedly by the guards but it doesn’t slow him down. He knocks the guards out and keeps going. He escapes and falls back “on the whole mercenary thing” only now he has “certain competitive advantages”.
He then goes on to describe an early assignment
[Deadpool]: –killing this grumpy cyborg mutant from the future. Predictably, we ended up BEST FRIENDS. So anyway…
The screenwriter stops him though, and insists that Deadpool tell him more about “Wade Wilson, the man before he put on the mask, before the Weapon X experiment. Before everything.”
So Deadpool shifts his story back to his pre-cancer days.
[Deadpool narration]: You want to hear the truth about Wade Wilson? He was an idiot. Wade Wilson was a mercenary with a moral code–Only took jobs he “believed” in. He was more earnest than a lifetime original movie. In fact, Wade Wilson was pretty much the only mercenary alive who WASN’T in it for the money. He’d go out, kill some dirtbag dictator who deserved it… then go home to his hottie girlfriend in Boston.
[Vanessa]: Wade! Oh, the things I’m going to do to your body… after you shower, of course…
Wade puts her off for a moment to check for the mail; he’s expecting a letter from the NYU Medical. It’s the letter he’s been dreading: the diagnosis of his cancer. He collapses onto the couch and Vanessa sits with him, assuring him that they can get through this together.
[Deadpool narration]: But I… er, I mean, Wade Wilson refused. Long ago, he swore not to be a burden to anybody–especially not those he loved.
So Deadpool left, and after a while of bumming around, getting into bar fights, he decided to fight back against the real enemy: cancer. And so he wound up to “this crazy medical experiment up in Canada”.
[Deadpool]: Annnnnd you know what happens from there, needles up the yin-yang, et cetera et cetera. Moving on to the cool stuff.
But the screenwriter wants to get deeper about “the young Wade Wilson, before he was a merc for hire. Before he was an adult. What was his childhood like?”
[Deadpool]: What is this– Diary of a wimpy merc? Nobody wants to hear that stuff.
But the screenwriter insists, so Deadpool takes another drink and talks about his dad, telling knock knock jokes at the front door.
[Deadpool narration]: But one day my dad slipped behind the door. And never came back. I’d do our knock-knock routine, just to see if he was waiting me out. He wasn’t.
[Deadpool narration]: After my dad left, my mom tried to ease the pain with booze and ordering junk from cable T.V. channels. She’ joked about everything–even the crippling debt she’d racked up.
[Deadpool narration]: I blamed myself: she’d be fine if she didn’t have me to worry about. I swore I wouldn’t be a burden to anybody, ever again.
[Deadpool narration]: When I was old enough, I took advantage of the one opportunity open to broke young Americans everywhere.
He joined the U.S. army.
[Deadpool narration]: My superiors said I was a crack shot with a great tactical mind, a born survivor. I didn’t have to heart to tell them that’s because I practically grew up with a joystick in my hand. No, I don’t mean THAT kind of–Oh never mind.
Deadpool went from the army to working on his own.
[Deadpool narration]: As long as I agreed with the cause, I’d pull the trigger. Now isn’t all that different from then, come to think of it. Except I don’t give a crap about the cause. You care too much, you bleed.
[Deadpool narration]: When you’re confronted with a horrible situation, there are only two reactions that make sense: laughter and tears. Tears hurt too much.
Deadpool stops for a moment. He lifts up his mask slightly, complaining of the heat and how stuffy it is, but that is to cover the fact that he is wiping away tears.
He then starts a tale of him against the Hulk, but the screenwriter stops him, having heard enough for the movie.
Thirty-five months later, Deadpool: Origins is premiering.
Deadpool attends the premiere with two conventionally beautiful women at his arms.
Deadpool meets the screenwriter at the entrance amidst a media circus. Deadpool says he’s avoided the reports and rumors as he didn’t want to get his hopes up.
[Screenwriter]: You liked the script?
[Deadpool]: No, the script was great. It’s just–
[Screenwriter]: Don’t worry. It’s everything we talked about. You’re going to love this.
It is NOTHING like what they talked about.
It starts off wrong, misspelling of his name (Dead Pool not Deadpool), and gets worse as it goes. No torture at Weapon X, over-the-top out-of-place explosions, bad jokes. It’s terrible.
Deadpool envisions himself standing up and shooting up the movie theater in a scene that would never have been drawn today since it hits too hard now to be “funny”.
He doesn’t actually shoot up the theater. He leaves, glumly.
But he does torch the screenwriters car to express his displeasure.
Later, Deadpool drives out to a lone house and knocks on the door. An older man asks who it is.
[The father]: Wade… Wade who?
[Deadpool removes his mask]: Wade until you see what happened to me, Dad.