But I relapsed. I cut my thighs twice and my left wrist once today. It didn’t give me relief this time though.
August 26, 2015 | 6:02 pm
Hi. I haven’t written in a while. Uni is stress. I’ve been okay. I guess. I’ve been having breakdowns from time to time and I had to talk to my mom over the phone to calm me down from my suicidal thoughts. Actually I just got off the phone with my mom and dad. They calmed me down and distracted me and told me that I’m going to recover and that I’m worth a lot to them. I don’t know. I appreciate it though. But I’m still feeling down.
Yesterday I opened up to my friend. He said faking happiness is better than acting all depressed around people. It makes sense tho and I think it is better.
I’m disappointed with myself this week though. Last Saturday, my psychiatrist was proud of me because she said I was improving because I call my mom whenever I have a breakdown and that it was a very brave thing to do. But I relapsed. I cut my thighs twice and my left wrist once today. It didn’t give me relief this time though. Like that time the other day when I was watching Girl Interrupted, I cut while watching and smoking cigarettes. I felt so calm and relieved then.
I’ve been overdosing my antidepressants lately too. Like I take 2-3 pills instead of one. Idk because I think it makes me feel a bit happier. I don’t know. Sometimes I’m all hyper and happy then I get super sad. But that “happy” part, to be honest, i know it’s fake. I hate myself for being like this. I want it to be over and be just happy. Like really happy.