days like today make me hate being a girl

But I relapsed. I cut my thighs twice and my left wrist once today. It didn’t give me relief this time though.

August 26, 2015 | 6:02 pm

Hi. I haven’t written in a while. Uni is stress. I’ve been okay. I guess. I’ve been having breakdowns from time to time and I had to talk to my mom over the phone to calm me down from my suicidal thoughts. Actually I just got off the phone with my mom and dad. They calmed me down and distracted me and told me that I’m going to recover and that I’m worth a lot to them. I don’t know. I appreciate it though. But I’m still feeling down.

Yesterday I opened up to my friend. He said faking happiness is better than acting all depressed around people. It makes sense tho and I think it is better.

I’m disappointed with myself this week though. Last Saturday, my psychiatrist was proud of me because she said I was improving because I call my mom whenever I have a breakdown and that it was a very brave thing to do. But I relapsed. I cut my thighs twice and my left wrist once today. It didn’t give me relief this time though. Like that time the other day when I was watching Girl Interrupted, I cut while watching and smoking cigarettes. I felt so calm and relieved then.

I’ve been overdosing my antidepressants lately too. Like I take 2-3 pills instead of one. Idk because I think it makes me feel a bit happier. I don’t know. Sometimes I’m all hyper and happy then I get super sad. But that “happy” part, to be honest, i know it’s fake. I hate myself for being like this. I want it to be over and be just happy. Like really happy.

I think the worst part about being alone is not having anyone to confide certain things in.

I want to be vulnerable with someone. I want to be able to tell someone my insecurities and my fears. I know I can do it with friends but it’s not the same. I don’t want just anyone knowing these things. I want someone that I’m intimate with to be able share these things with.

This shit really eats at me sometimes and after a shitty day like today and one fucked up thing after another happening, it makes it really difficult to be happy and positive like usual.

I’m just gunna take today to be sad and upset and hopefully wake up tomorrow and just get things handled.

It probably also doesn’t help that I hate my birthday and that’s really soon.

Like, don’t get it twisted. I’m super happy being single until I find that right person. I’d rather not fuck around with just random girls just to say I’m getting laid or use them too satiate my desire for contact and affection. It’s just at times like these, when everything is weighing on my mind…I’ll find every reason that I’m upset and overthink the fuck out of it.