do you ever want to rewrite your past?

like I know I wasn’t around in the 70s with a group of punk girls going to clubs and smoking behind bikesheds but it sounds so much better than being the lonely twat who would wander up to whoever and randomly start singing or doing voice impressions at them even if they clearly wanted me to leave.

I know I wasn’t cycling down a seaside with anyone but I was alone for most of my actual life 

I know I didn’t start studying media until this year but I just love thinking about what it would’ve been like to be part of the production crew of The Young Ones

I know I got out of the Performing Arts course because of my bad dancing abilities but it would’ve been nice to be on a theatre stage or to have maybe been in a production of rocky horror

I know I was born after Diana’s death but it would’ve been so nice to just chat to her and pleasantly shake her hand 

I know when I first discovered anarchism I was only mildly into it and wasn’t as into it as I am now but it’s so much better than the reality of those problematic years when I was a moronic tory centrist who blindly followed others 

I know I never got the chance to experience 1980s gay bars where I could jive to sounds of Petshop Boys and Frankie goes Hollywood but it’s a lot better than the reality that it took a long time for me to figure out my sexuality and even when I was starting to learn about it, secondary school classmates mocked me for it.

I know I didn’t listen to much of Bowie’s stuff until this year but it’s better than the times before space oddity where I’d often feel alien like,hollow and disconnected from the world,I felt the exactly same way Bowie did when he made some of his characters,except I didn’t know much about him himself back then and for me it wasn’t characters it was phases/personality traits 


I’m confused right now, because I just looked up the adhd tag and I can relate to it so much I think I might have it. I feel like I’m faking it & and I don’t wanna self diagnose myself with something I don’t have, but it’s like it explains my life? Like everything makes sense now? Like finding out about Madd was the one half & and ADHD is the other, missing one? Like Madd is the coping strategy for ADHD & in my hyperactive state I’m mostly daydreaming?

And Executive Disorder explains why I don’t get anything done when I’m not daydreaming (I was so confused about why I don’t get anything done even if I don’t daydream and was guiltshaming myself for that).
Also I always told myself that I’m just tired but this has been some sort of cycle that repeated in my life? Like beeing hyperactive for some days and then suddenly beeing so exhausted I can’t do anything anymore? Like not even watching anime for 20 minutes ongoing(which is the easiest thing I can do in my life normally)? Not beeing able to do anything & just laying in bed, even when my brain tells me to stand up and go to the kitchen to eat something?
Not remembering one single thing of a text when having read it for the 5th time (this pisses me of so much, I had that in important class tests and I was like normally I could easily do this, but my fucking brain doesn’t work, and I don’t know why, so I’m just getting angry at myself & everything).
Having to ask people to repeat what they said, because I couldn’t listen to what they were saying, even though I looked at them and really tried to listen to it, but I couln’t remember anything. Or have been distracted by listening to them.

Forgetting simple tasks at work that I’ve done thousands of times before & people getting mad at me for asking over and over again. And then RSD is comming to it and making me feel even worse about it, thinking I might be fired next time (even though that’s not the case).

When having to study, finding something interesting that’s not even related to the topic and spending hours of time instead of studing.
And RSD - It could still be social anxiety or avoidant personality disorder, but - i could relate so much to it and I think it just fits the most.
Also one of my parents got diagnosed with it and I don’t know if there’s some chance of giving it to the next generation (be it through genes or just behaviour)? Like I don’t know if this is the case but it could be? I never thought about it until know, even though I’ve known about this diagnose for years know.

Anybody have made the same experiences? Or able to tell me if I might have ADHD or something different? Or more information about it? I knows there’s a lot info on the internet but it feels so much, I don’t know where to start. Also any people out there having ADHD and Madd? Would be really helpfull to hear some of your experiences.

Para Aesthetic // Emory

Emory is, well, he’s a cat. He’s in all of my paracosms (somehow), and gets called different names depending on where he is (ie; Rory, Memory, Crystal, Dusk, & Schrödinger). Usually one of my parames is taking care of him, but he disappears frequently, typically to take part in another paracosm. Emory can also teleport and does so often.

I’m daydreaming that we’re in the kitchen making dinner together on a lazy summer evening. You’re blasting your favorite songs off Spotify and I’m lip syncing horribly just to make you laugh and shake your head at me. I love being someone that makes you so happy. I hope I can make you happy for a very long time.

I’m daydreaming about the warmth and safety I feel when you’re holding me tightly in your arms. Your soft kisses on my forehead, your fingers gently running through my hair, and the sound of your heartbeat fill me with immense love and peace. Please never let go.

I’m daydreaming of waking up in the early mornings with you snuggled under the covers, sound asleep. I’ll slip out of bed and grab a cup of coffee, then slip back under the covers and press against you. I’ll stroke your back until you sleepily open your beautiful brown eyes and smile up at me. Gosh, your eyes…they make my heart melt.

I’m daydreaming of the day we finally meet in person. When I can race across an airport and fling myself into your arms, tangle my fingers in your hair, and crush my lips against yours. The day when my heart and my home will be complete. The day when I can look into your eyes and touch ur soft skin beneath my fingertips. That will be the one of the best days of my life.