dave and son

Our party is fighting a nuclear family of Royal Sea People, where the Dad (King) is basically a Fighter, the Mom (Queen) is a spellcaster, and the boy (Prince) is a rogue.

The Prince immediately rolls a nat 20 to hide from the party (supposedly to prepare a sneak attack) and by the time anyone rolls high enough to see him, he’s definitely out of the room.

Our Sorcerer uses Charm Person successfully on the King, who then, despite the Queen’s protests, sprints to the kitchen to get him Hot Dogs.

Bard (Ooc): Ok, since it’s just the Queen I’m gonna use Disguise Self to change into the son.

Sorcerer (Ooc): Oh….

Bard (Ooc): What?

Sorcerer (Ooc): Sorry I thought you meant you were going to disguise yourself as like the literal Sun.


Later the Son (Dave) did return and had eaten both of his parent’s hearts and transformed into an eldritch monstrosity; complete with eye-stalks, a side-ways shark mouth, and eight scuttling limbs. Our Bard had history with this kid and was more enraged than intimidated.

Bard (still disguised as the son’s human form): Hey Davey!

Dave: *looks*

Bard (disguised): You should kill me first. I want you to see what you’re gonna look like after my friends kick your ass!

Potential Plays-of-the-Game included: The Ranger’s Wolf criting on a Bite attack, our Fighter stabbing this thing with a found trident and succeeding a strength contest with it, and our Sorcerer’s Wild Magic randomly turing everyone invisible (including the Monster itself).

After our party collectively knocking nearly 300hp off this boss, he was just about down for the count. 

Bard: HEY, DAVEY! *Picks up the crown off the King’s head* 

Dave: *looks*

Bard:  *Puts on Crown* *Casts Vicious Mockery* KING ME.

He lands the final blow. The monster is obliterated. Everyone is screaming. Including the DM. A great time is had.

Some miscellaneous observations and Good Canon Facts about the FBI Family:

  • JJ was the first to refer to the team as a family, Garcia and Rossi are the two that use family words the most
  • Reid is a similar age to Steven (Gideon’s estranged son) and Sean (Hotch’s estranged kid brother), and if Rossi’s son had lived he’d have been about that age too. It’s obvious from their relationships with Reid that Gideon, Hotch and Rossi are all aware of this fact.
  • Rossi considers himself “more married to this team than [he] was to three ex-wives”
  • Morgan once jokingly referred to Hotch and Rossi as “mom and dad”
  • Hotch and Emily look like they could easily be siblings
  • Reid doesn’t look much like Hotch, but he could very easily be mistaken for a relative of Jack’s (eg. a cousin or much older brother)
  • JJ and Reid could probably pass for siblings too, although that’s more in terms of behaviour than looks
  • Jack calls Rossi ‘Uncle Dave’
  • JJ’s kids call Reid (who is also their godfather) ‘Uncle Spencer’
  • Garcia likes to specify that she is Henry and Michael’s fairy godmother, thank you very much
  • Blake once said that she likes to think that if her son Ethan had lived, he’d have been a lot like Reid
  • Blake’s dad (who had only just met them that week) invited the whole team around for a barbecue, saying that they couldn’t have a party without “the whole family”
  • Shortly after Morgan’s son was born, Rossi delightedly declared that it was time for him to meet his Uncle Dave
  • Morgan names his son Hank Spencer Morgan, after his dad and “the best little brother anybody could ever ask for”
  • Garcia refers to the team going out for a meal together as “family dinner”

I….can’t….believe…this….tweet….actually….exists….

Ok so in the case of get away driver!alex and police!thomas

Alex has the same origin story you know did get away driving for psycho boyfriend then moved away to to end up in the same exact crowd (except now its just KG and Seabury bc Madison and Jefferson are cops) but like when he’s get away driving he looks like a completely different person. Hes got a bun and a handkerchief to cover his mouth and layers on layers and sunglasses and shit. But like when they’re busy robbing the bank he’s just in the car with his sunglasses pushed up and his handkerchief pushed down so he doesnt look suspicious, and its always a different car so if someone were to recognize that hes been on the scene of a crime before they wouldnt really realize. But normally its KG and Seabury who run in and rob and then they bolt but sometimes they do drag Alex in with them just for an extra gun and they trudt doing this because Alex is fast as fuck and they’re honestly really good at robbing and fleeing and Alex never really partakes in the spoils because he feels dirty about it and has a job anyways. He just feels a weird freedom when get away driving so that’s why he hasnt tried to escape Again. And so he keeps doing it.
But when hes not driving hes either working at the library he has a job at or just walking around town to do shit (and low-key stake out places KG asked him to, because he is their get away driver and he does need to make sure he can actually get away) his hair is down and he’s got prescription glasses on and is normally wearing a tank top or short sleeve and jeans, maybe a sweater. But like he’s got assorted tattoos and scars on his arms like a semicolon and a compass on his shoulder (and Charles on his wrist, it was a mistake and he got it when drunk) and just little assorted tattoos that give him an interesting air. But he just looks different is the point. And he meets Thomas while reading a book in the coffee shop he frequents one day because Thomas is on his day off and wanted something sickeningly sweet bc he’s pretentious. But like thomas sees what hes reading and is like “good choices” and Alex is like “thanks I’m a librarian” and then thomas jsut fucking invites himself to alexs table and is like “I’m Thomas” “Alex” “Nice. Wanna take a walk down to the bookstore?” “Are you hitting on me?” “…..You’re cute and read books and I want to get to know you” and alex almost says no but then he realizes he hasnt dated anyone since charles and he’s like “okay sure. But you dont get to kiss me yet” and then from there it turns into a lot of lunch or breakfast dates on alexs days off because thomas tends to work at night as does….Alex. But sometimes he has to say no to breakfast because of a morning run and one time when he’s sitting in the car reading and waiting he glances up and sees thomas squinting at him trying to figure out if hes familiar (before the alarms get triggered and if and Seabury are slamming themselves into the car) and like all night alex is so worried hes been caught but instead Thom just texts him “wanna get lunch tomorrow?” And then makes no mention of it (except to complain about how good this getaway driver they keep seeing is) and Alex is awkward and sweaty like “yea he sounds awful” but then lunch ends okay and then thomas takes him out to a movie and then they end up sleeping together and alex forgets all about almost being caught but in Reality thomas Knows, like he knows who he saw because hes seen alex with buns and shit, but he doesnt bring it up to anyone because he likes Alex a lot and he likes getting to hold him and He’d rather lose his job then lose Alex.
And then boom shaka laka alex fucks up a get away really bad and lands the car in a Very bad crash and ILL FIGURE OUT THE REST LATER