date funny

the signs as (fucking) new year’s resolutions

aries: go to the gym n get fuckin’ ripped also do yoga to calm the nerves a bit, yeah?

taurus: stop drinking, you fucking alcoholic take your little drunk ass to rehab, and no don’t you dare drive, take a nice long walk

gemini: be a “better” person smh and stop destroying your own relationships, ya fuckin’ mess on legs

cancer: pay your fucking rent – YES, on time, and quit crying over people that don’t matter oh my god

leo: don’t be such a bitch like seriously quit stomping all over everybody just because your mental penis is a fucking chode

virgo: save more money, and um???? shut thefuckup??? about literally everything?? eat a god damn slim jim i don’t care if it’s not vegan

libra: stop cheating on your fucking boyfriend and maybe…. don’t…? catch an STD? this year?

scorpio: straighten up your emo little spine and stop blaming the world for your problems, also take a goddamn shower

sagittarius: travel the world and get the fuck away from literally everybody, and maybe eat a fuckin’ ice cream cone while you’re at it

capricorn: get some more friends and stop fucking complaining about every. little. thing. for fuck’s sake

aquarius: literally — you just calm the fuck down.

pisces: stop fuckin’ crying over these fuckboys they don’t care about your heart also learn a new recipe and do your goddamn homework