And I hate saying it so bluntly. It makes me sound like some hack psychic who fakes the ability as a means of exploitation and a paycheck. I’ve never made money from my ability. I’ve never taken advantage of it. And, until now, I’ve never spoken of it to anybody.
But I really do see them, and I’m starting to view it as more of a curse. I have a reason for typing this out and I assure you, there isn’t a happy ending.
ARIES: You want someone with fire in their eyes and passion in their teeth. You want someone who can earn your trust, someone that belongs to the raging storm in your heart. Because you are so strong, be careful not to overpower them.
TAURUS: You want someone who is honest, who has love seeping into their bones. You want someone who will communicate to you their needs and wants. Because you enjoy figuring people out, be careful, don’t try to fix them.
GEMINI: You want someone who is independent, who knows how to love themselves just as much as you love them. You want someone with beautiful wings and a daunting personality. Because you don’t like clinginess be careful, don’t lose your temper, communication is everything.
CANCER: You want someone who breathes kindness into the atmosphere with each breath. You want someone who inspires you to become more than what you already are, someone who will fight for you until they become blue in the face. Because you are clingy, be careful not to overstep any boundaries and be sure to let them know what you need.
LEO: You want someone you can work together with, someone who you can count on as though they are your favorite book. You want someone who sees intelligence and love as one, instead of seperate. Because you are so fierce and headstrong, be careful not to hurt them.
VIRGO: You want someone who you can open up to, who understands that sometimes you are reserved. Someone who will softly sing to you when you’re upset. Because you are so hardworking, be careful not to value work over love.
LIBRA: You want someone who is in sync with the earth and its core. You want someone who will jump into your heart and mind and stay for as long as you let them. Because you find it hard to tell others how you feel, be careful not to let them push you down.
SCORPIO: You want someone who clarifies their feelings for you, someone who will watch clouds pass by with you. You want someone who has an infinite joy ringing in their heart. Because you are so indifferent, you sometimes go with the option the other person is presenting; be careful not to let them persuade you into doing something you don’t want to do.
SAGITTARIUS: You want someone who is headstrong. Someone who you will listen to you speak of your day’s adventures and who has an open mind, you want someone who is analytical and mature. Because you are independent and speak your mind, be careful not to argue with them, instead use the gentle touch you have stored inside.
CAPRICORN: You want someone who will laugh from their belly with you, someone who knows how to make you feel bright inside even on the days you can’t get out of bed. You want someone with open arms and a steady heart. Because you are so determined, be careful not to overanalyze their words.
AQUARIUS: You want someone who will take care of you, someone who has large dreams and will share them with you. Someone who understands your dark sense of humor. Because you can become detached, be careful not to spend too much time with your thoughts.
PISCES: You want someone you can explore each day with, someone whose heart is large like yours. You want someone who can serenade you with the sound of their voice. Because you are so empathetic, be careful, don’t let their heavy emotions impact you negatively.
what the signs want and what to be aware of as they continue to grow throughout years to come
Les Mis:dramatic foreign exchange kid who plays up their own country’s stereotypes to mess with the other students. Huge heart; cries at the end of literally every movie. In with the popular kids.
The Book of Mormon: the most politically incorrect kid you’ve ever met. Whenever they say anything, you wait a few moments and look around at the other students to make sure it’s okay to laugh. You sometimes lay awake thinking about things they’ve said because they’re right.
Newsies: that poor freshman who still hasn’t hit puberty yet. Has a friend group of other woefully prepubescent boys. Think Sam and Company in Freaks and Geeks. They sit in a corner of the lunchroom and hope the athletes won’t find them. Are very vocal about how much they hate the school and won’t shut up about transferring to some school in New Mexico. Ran for student government as a freshman and won, shocking everyone.
Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812: Transferred to your high school for only a year, but no one will ever forget them. Was responsible for planning the legendary senior prank that resulted in the principal running from the school screaming. Eventually got expelled. Some students blame it on racism drama that 1812 themselves actually had nothing to do with; most people understand that this rumor is false.
Waitress: the kid who decorates their binder covers with glittery letters and hums while they organize their locker. Spends free time volunteering: not for their resume, but out of the goodness of their heart. Punched the school bully once and nearly went viral. Is actually reasonably popular–partially because they’re friends with popular junior Sara B., but mostly because they’re such a great person.
Hamilton: the freshman kid who somehow manages honor roll academics, five extracurriculars, a part-time job, a small nonprofit, a mental illness, and a dog. Is legendary for sassy one-liners. Carries speakers everywhere and dances on tables in the cafeteria, getting everyone to sing along. Is somehow really, really popular; some of the other kids are salty.
Rent: the artistic/political kid. Senior who the other kids look up to. Openly responsible for the controversial political graffiti in the bathroom. Got suspended once for protesting the student dress code: the only thing the handbook actually says is that you must wear shoes at all times, so they just showed up to school naked. Is low-key Hamilton’s idol. Like Newsies, also won’t shut up about transferring to some school in New Mexico.
Wicked: the other artistic/political kid, though slightly more on the political side. The kid with all the pins on their messenger bag. Their Facebook is full of social justice rants and emotional videos shared from liberal media pages. Is probably going to become president.
Dear Evan Hansen: the kid who’s really quiet irl, but has ten thousand followers on Tumblr and is a minor online celebrity. On Facebook, posts inspirational quotes in pretty fonts with nature backgrounds and gets maybe two or three likes. Draws on arms with Sharpie during class. Is also somehow in with the popular kids, but chooses not to hang out with them.
Little Shop of Horrors: the kid who is really sweet but whom you suspect is kinda internally unbalanced. Has a dark sense of humor; makes quiet jokes sometimes that no one else hears, but you do, and you’re terrified. Bonds with Dear Evan Hansen over plant obsession.
Heathers: other slightly unbalanced kid, though they’re more obvious about it. Is basically Ally Sheedy in The Breakfast Club. Sometimes wears rollerskates to school; listens to podcasts and wears headphones everywhere and only takes them off to fight bullies. Actually still uses an iPod. Not really in with the popular kids, but does have a gaggle of admirers among the younger students.
Be More Chill: the kid who works in the computer cluster. Is quite a jokester in general, so people don’t know whether or not to be worried by their self-deprecating jokes. Is in Yearbook and swaps out the class portraits of people they don’t like with the most unflattering pictures in the world. Almost sent that version to print once and had a panic attack in the bathroom. Is actually rather famous for said panic attack in the bathroom. Has an unexpected friendship with Heathers.
Falsettos: the senior kid always making snarky but surprisingly philosophical comments at the back of the class. Insists that all everyday objects are metaphors. Always looks to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. No one understands how everyone in their friend group knows each other. Tried to run for student government, but tragically lost to popular homecoming queen Dolly Midler.
i HAD NO IDEA GORILLAZ HAD PHASES AND STORYLINES could you try and explain them quickly for us new bbies getting into this fandom??
so the WHOLE ENTIRE STORY of gorillaz is actually extremely ridiculously long and very very complicated and confusing so i am going to try my very hardest to sum everything up as best as i possibly can without missing too much
(also the “phases” don’t really mean much besides marking the different album releases, which is why you may have noticed the band members look different every few years)
phase 1 (celebrity takedown) started around 1999. before phase 1, there was only this guy:
murdoc niccals. on august 15th, 1997 (d-day), he wanted to steal music equipment so he crashed a car into a music store where this guy:
stuart tusspot (then in his young twenties) was working, and he hit stuart in the eye and sent him into a coma. murdoc was arrested, but rather than serving time he had to do a lot of community service and also take care of stuart while he was in his coma. murdoc being murdoc, he crashed his car a second time and sent stuart flying from the backseat, through the windshield and he hit his good eye on the concrete, which woke him from his vegetative state, thus “creating” the stuart you know today:
he was nicknamed 2D because he now has two “dents” in his head (which are actually 8-ball fractures if you wanted to know how this look could be possible). murdoc saw that 2D was really attractive and he could sing, so he made 2D the singer of his band
now, this is russel hobbs:
he was involved in a drive-by shooting when his best friend Del (Deltron 3030 irl):
was shot and killed. del possessed russel, thus turning his eyes completely white and haunting him from time to time when he plays the drums. he also raps in some of the gorillaz songs.
murdoc and 2D needed a drummer so they kidnapped russel and russel for some reason forgave them and agreed to be their drummer.
the guitarist for a short while was 2D’s girlfriend, Paula:
and together the four of them formed the band “GORILLA”:
and the only song they recorded together was “ghost train”. paula was kicked out of the band because russel caught her having sex with murdoc in the bathroom. they needed a new guitarist, so they sent out an ad in the paper. not too long later, this little angel arrived at their front door:
she saw the ad and fed-exed herself from osaka to kong studios:
in essex, england. she was only ten and she only knew one word: noodle. therefore, they named her noodle and they made her the guitarist because she was really really good.
thus, gorillaz was born:
then they made the first album around 2000, titled “gorillaz”. they released a bunch of music, music videos, interviews, merch, a completely interactive website where you could walk around their house, and they even released little shorts that were shown on MTV for a while. you can watch all of their videos and interviews on youtube. they won some awards too, and even performed live using holagrams.
around 2002, they got a little tired of one another. lots of different personalities living under one roof. they faught a lot, especially murdoc and 2D (2D is not “all there” and he takes a lot of medication, murdoc is an asshole and abuses 2D CONSTANTLY). so they all left kong studios for a while, but not before releasing some b-sides (g-sides).
at the end of two years, murdoc ended up in a mexican prison, russel excorcised del’s soul from his body (but kept the white eyes), which sent him into a horrible depression, 2D got a job at his father’s amusement park, and noodle went back to osaka, japan to discover more about her past.
while in japan, noodle found out from some old dude that she was actually a part of some kind of organization that turns young children into war-machines (yeah, i know, fucking crazy, right?????). her memory had been erased by the old dude so that she could live a normal life, and when her memory was restored, she remembered everything, including how to speak fluent english. having found herself, she was the first one to go back to kong studios. she wrote most of the second album by herself before the others came back to kong and helped her out.
(btw, that is noodle’s pet monkey, mike. murdoc had a pet crow named cortez, and 2D had a pet dog named Prince, but no one knows what happened to them. keep reading)
this was around 2004 and would start phase 2 (slowboat to hades):
note the drastic style change. this phase was famous for its darker look, and the music became a lot darker in their second album, “demon days”.
they released some more teasers (which were “filmed” during their two-year break), more music, more music vidoes, more live performances, and more merch. even some gorillaz games. very cute, very fun (especially if you have a dark sense of humor? there is one game in particular that has the murdoc/2D fans feeling some type of way lol). if you watch the videos and interviews, you can really tell how their personalities shift from phase to phase. also, this is the phase where the windmill island makes its first appearence:
and this is where things get very weird and very very complicated (especially for a cartoon band). in the feel good inc. music video (watch it), noodle is on this island and she is being chased by helicopters from afar.
in the el manana video (watch it now or you might be confused), however, noodle was supposed to get “shot” by the same helicopters before parachuting safely off of the island where she would then flee to the maldive islands to get away for a while (she just wanted a vacation but i guess she didn’t want people to find her). however, in the gorillaz autobiography, murdoc says that something completely different happened.
murdoc was trying to get some guy killed (i forget his name) because murdoc is a horrible guy who holds a lot of grudges. murdoc tricked this guy into hiding inside the windmill to wait for noodle to “die” so he could take her place. noodle did not know about ANY of this. she wasn’t going to get hurt either way because she was given a parachute. so when DIFFERENT helicopters (DIFFERENT PEOPLE THAT WERE NOT HIRED BY MURDOC OR GORILLAZ!) started shooting at her, TRYING to kill her, she freaked out and the windmill ended up crashing into a canal. there is a picture in the autobiography of her parachuting off the island, but no one knows where she went after she hit the ground. everyone searched for her, but no one could find her. at this point, murdoc was confused as well, but everyone assumed she still went to the maldives to mellow out—or that she DIED.
this left 2D, murdoc and russel in deep depression. russel left kong studios first, as it was falling apart due to it being built atop a landfill and infested with zombies. 2D left afterwards to live in beirut, and only murdoc was left in the rubble that was kong.
after this, murdoc got word that the organization who tried to murder noodle (the black clouds) were now after him. he had no choice but to leave kong studios forever. so he set kong on fire and left. then the autobiography was released (it is implied they started writing the book well before even the middle of phase 2).
and then gorillaz were on hiatus for about four years. not a single word. if you went on the website, nothing changed. shit was cryptic. but the fandom was loyal and WAITING.
THEN. OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE, sometime in 2009, murdoc showed up in an interview talking about new gorillaz music. and very slowly, more information was released on the “unofficial gorillaz website”. the fandom was BATSHIT. half of us were butthurt about how ugly murdoc looked, and the other half was excited about NEW GORILLAZ MUSIC, and more importantly, THIS PICTURE:
people were mostly concerned with noodle and the fact that her eye was all fucked up, presumably from either the fall from the island OR from when she was “in hell”. also, peope assumed the whole band was together again, but this was FAR FAR FAR from the case.
murdoc wanted to make new gorillaz music that would “top” their second album (which could never happen, but a pickle can dream). murdoc couldn’t get a hold of russel, and noodle was presumably MIA, so murdoc kidnapped 2D in beirut and shipped the poor guy to plastic beach:
plastic beach is essentially murdoc’s hiding place where he is “safe” from the black clouds, and it is literally an island made out of garbage and spray painted pink. 2D did not want to be there, but murdoc held him captive:
in a bedroom at the southernmost tip of the island, underwater, guarded by a whale (2D has a crippling fear of whales, murdoc is a GIANT ASSHOLE). he made 2D sing, and 2D agreed because he has been agreeing to murdoc for a long time and he knew better than to disobey him.
since gorillaz was lacking a drummer and a guitarist, murdoc had to improvise. to replace russel, murdoc used a drum machine to mimic the way russel plays the drums. to replace noodle, murdoc gathered some of noodle’s DNA from the el manana crash site and built CYBORG NOODLE:
she was just as good on guitar as noodle was and she was also the “war machine” that noodle was “supposed” to be, i.e., murdoc stuffed her with weapons. she even had a gun that fired from her mouth.
thus, this was the “phase three: plastic beach” crew:
they recorded the new album, titled PLASTIC BEACH, and murdoc “kidnapped” all of the artists that gorillaz collaborated with and they just had a grand ol’ time. the album was released in early 2010, followed by a revamped website featuring a full tour of plastic beach, more merch, and LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS of interviews. some of them are probably no longer findable, but it doesn’t matter because pretty much every single interview was just murdoc hooting and hollering and drinking because IT WAS ESTABLISHED THAT AT THIS POINT HE HAS LITERALLY GONE INSANE.
the music video for stylo was released and did not contribute much to the “main plot”, which disappointed some people because we all wanted to know where noodle and russel were. after a long time, murdoc made a twitter to communicate with the fans who were more interested in the now extremely involved plot line of gorillaz as well as the music.
sometime in 2010, new “idents” were released. 2D’s showed him getting kidnapped and shipped to PB, murdoc’s showed him getting SHOT AT on a boat, probably on his way to plastic beach. then RUSSEL’S ident was released, and it showed him jumping off of a dock into the ocean in an EXTREMELY ANGRY MANNER. lots of people speculated he was mad because he found out what murdoc was doing or he was going to confront murdoc about noodle’s whereabouts or both. cyborg noodle’s ident was released after that, it was nothing special, it was just really creepy (btw you can watch all the idents on youtube!
AND THEN. AND. THEN. noodle’s ident was released and IT WAS THE GREATEST DAY. AFTER FOUR YEARS we finally got to see what happened to noodle, dear, dear noodle:
her ident showed her on a boat (she is around 18-19 at this time), being asked to evacuate because the boat was being attacked by pirates (presumably the black clouds, coming after noodle). being the supreme badass she is, she grabbed a gun and stormed out of the room, and that was all we got. the fandom was in uproar. why the cat mask? was it to cover her eye? why was she on a boat?
shortly before the “on melancholy hill video”, murdoc stated he could see a brown rock moving towards plastic beach (official art told the fans it was russel’s head, as russel had eaten toxic waste and had grown into a giant):
and it was implied from this that russel was going to meet up with noodle sometime in the near future.
hope you’re still following me. im trying my best lol
in the “on melacholy hill” video, murdoc was now aware that noodle was very much alive and also in some kind of trouble, so he and all of the album’s collaborators went on a giant search for noodle, but never found her. they ended up finding some manatee on top of a rock (random af), while noodle defended her boat from the black clouds, and ended up escaping on a life raft with her guitar. and then this happened:
in both the stylo and OMH videos, a mysterious figure called THE BOOGIEMAN appeared:
he is implied by murdoc to be a symbol of death, as he “murders” both a police officer and the manatee on the rock. not much more is known about him.
after this, not much more happened. there was more official art, more games on the gorillaz website, more merch, a gorillaz live band tour (not featuring the actual memebers of gorillaz, much to murdoc’s frustration), one new single called doncamatic, and a music video released during the tour featuring russel and noodle:
about a year later without any more activity, gorillaz released a fourth album titled “the fall”, composed entirely on an ipad by 2D (note how “gorillaz” = russel, “demon days” = noodle, “plastic beach” = murdoc and “the fall” = 2D). it was not entirely popular, but there were some really good tracks.
the gorillaz hype slowed to an almost-halt as far as plot was concerned. noodle and russel never made it to plastic beach, murdoc was still on the island with 2D, 2D was still a wreck, etc etc etc. the fandom was content, but the plotline was pretty stagnant for another year or so. there were a lot lot LOT of unanswered questions, but the fandom was used to it, as gorillaz was never really “designed” to have such a convoluted plotline to begin with, as you can probably imagine. who would have thought “gorillaz” would evolve into such a CRAZY, INVOLVED STORY?? we were at least content knowing noodle was safe with russel, and they were both happy (russel loves noodle like a daughter btw its adorable af). as far as 2D and murdoc went, a lot of people kind of knew that their relationship, as dysfunctional as it was, was still salvagable as 2D is pretty much infatuated with murdoc, as fucked up as that seems.
in 2011, rhinestone eyes was supposed to get a music video. alas, this never happened because the music video was no longer being funded for (it costs a looooot of money to make gorillaz music videos, and gorillaz lost a good deal of popularity after phase 2, mostly because of the plotline. no one besides the die hard fans knew what the fuck was going on in the music videos).
now, even though the music video was never made, it is implied that everything that happened in the storyboard happened irl. but we still had so many questions left unanswered regardless.
in 2012, gorillaz released a music video to go along with their new single DOYATHING feat. ANDRE 3000. the hype for this video was as real as it could get, and the gorillaz fandom was practically pissing their pants after they saw the storyboard.
and, according to murdoc a short while after the release of the video (or before, i cannot recall), after russel and noodle arrived on the island, the cyborg attempted to kill murdoc (which was a surprise to no one….). noodle and the cyborg duked it out and the real noodle ended up coming out on top. and they all left plastic beach after the black clouds fled the scene, probably because it was shot to bits.
and that’s it as of right now. that is the gorillaz story, in summary. there are still a plethora of unanswered questions, however, as we have yet to hear ANYTHING from russel and noodle. we still do not know what exactly happened to noodle after el manana. we do not know why russel jumped into the ocean, we don’t know how russel and noodle found the beach, we don’t know what happened to noodle’s eye. we don’t know a lot of things. hopefully some of our questions will be answered in PHASE FOUR! which has officially started as of yesterday.
i hope i have given you a sufficient insight on the wild, wild world of GORILLAZ. they are more than just a band, they are characters with complex backstories and their adventures are pretty fucking crazy if you have the patience to keep up with them
The show is a roller coaster from start to finish. With a kickass female lead and a self diagnosed psychopath the characters never dissapoint. One of the things I love most about this show is how the dialogue between them is so fast and sharp it will surprise a laugh out of you in even the most dire of situations. The show also lets you hear their internal dialogue and trains of thought which makes the characters much more relatable and vulnerable.
The colors and framing of “The End of the F***ing World” are also incredible. It feels timeless and you honestly forget that it is taking place in the present day. The amazing retro soundtrack helps with taking your mind and focus to a time where just Alyssa and James exist.
This show is a must watch for anybody with a dark sense of humor, love of characters who take no shit, authority figure problem, vulnerability, and young love. You will never want it to end.
Timothy Jackson Drake, Red Robin, resident Nerd of the century
Knows his Hogwarts house, wand core, and patronus
Knows what Disney princess he is
After being awake for 56 hours straight “Tim, why are you crying?” “they have such tiny hands Dick” “who?” “the raccoons Dick! small gentle fingers…grasping the fruit, fruit bandits”
Will wear the same hoodie and sweatpants for a full week if they pass the “sniff” test
Runs on coffee blacker than the night sky with three sugars but if you give him a Starbucks caramel macchiato he will love you forever
Is so DARN surprised and honored when people casually refer to him as their friend, protect this soft boy
Get’s so absorbed into his research that Stephanie and Cass regularly paint his nails because he’s the only batboy who stays still long enough
*Knocks something off his desk by accident* “ah gravity, my old arch nemesis”
Forgets everyone outside the Batfam isn’t used to his sense of dark humor leading to a lot of concerned conversations with the Titans “Hey, how are you?” Tim: “Dead inside”… “Jesus, are you okay?” Tim: “Oh shit yeah why?”
Tim: “Everything sucks, the world is bleak, global warming will kill us all! unless we die by a nuclear war first. I might as well just go dig a hole and rot!!” Dick: “Someone forgot to refill the coffee machine didn’t they?” Tim: “I live with animals DICK!! ANIMALS!!”
Monopoly mastermind, don’t play with this kid unless you’ve accepted the bitter sting of resentment that comes with loosing
*Loud crashing sound followed by a thud * “I’M OKAY!”
Odd socks, why bother pairing them? they’re on his feet, nobody is going to notice he has one Christmas sock and one alphabet sock on beneath his shoes Alfred!!
Falls asleep anywhere, halfway through eating cereal, on his keyboard while researching, in the shower, basically anywhere except his bed
Scared of spiders, THEY HAVE TOO MANY LEGS TO BE TRUSTED!! “The maximum amount of legs for a trustworthy creature is four Jason! FOUR!!! SPIDERS HAVE EIGHT!! THAT IS AN UNNECESSARY AMOUNT OF LEGS!!”
*Is inconvenienced in any way* “I blame the youth”
Tim: “DOWN WITH THE UPPER CLASS!!” Steph: “Tim… you ARE the upper class”
Some of y’all are asking about the ritual with the scotch, so HERE IS A STORY THAT SPANS SEVERAL GENERATIONS OF SHENNANIGANS.
So my dad’s side of the family is a bunch of rowdy farm boys with a dark sense of humor. My oldest uncle Tim was the first to get married and the rest of them orchestrated this complicated, almost medieval style dance routine on the dance floor where they would switch dance partners mid-song and slowly danced the bride towards the door, swept her up, put her in the back of the pickup truck, and took her away.
Tim doesn’t notice until the song ends. This was in the 70′s, way before cell phones. The front desk of the hotel gets a call, it’s one of my uncles. “We have your wife. The price is one bottle of scotch.”
He’s like ‘what is this shit?’ And he figures they can’t hold out too long. They have to come back sometime. No. They are literally driving her around the block several times, stopping at pay phones to check in to see if he’s gotten the ransom. This goes on for about an hour.
So he goes out and gets a bottle of scotch, puts it by the door as they drive by and everyone returns.
All the boys got married in the order of their birth and let me just say… they’re not above petty payback. Next one up is Jay who just… seems to forget entirely that his brothers are complete jackasses. Also, he was kind of the ringleader at the last one so there’s no way they could do it to him!
Haha… ha…. haaaaaaaa… oh, uncle Jay. You sweet summer child… who is also several decades older than me.
Bride gets kidnapped, almost in the same manner as Tim’s. The price, as always, is a bottle of scotch. But Jay… oh… Jay…
Jay just HAD to get his ass married on a Sunday and this is Indiana, buck-o. There ain’t no alcohol sales on Sundays. No liquor stores, no grocery stores, no convenience stores. Nowhere. But there WAS a bar at the Marriott holding the reception. So he had to pay the front desk $75 for a bottle of scotch maybe worth $20 so he could get his wife back.
A pattern emerges.
My uncle Moe was next in line. They…. eloped for reasons, but for the purposes of this story we will say that he avoided a situation where his brothers could steal his wife. It’s kind of a personality thing with him, we’ve noticed. Just… ‘oh! Let me avoid this conflict entirely.’
Next up is my dad, who is a fun-loving dude who had his reception at a bowling alley and he was NOT, I repeat: NOT- going to have this night ruined by larceny when there is IMPORTANT BOWLING TO BE DONE. Buys a bottle of scotch and and presents it to his brothers with a big audience just so no one can claim that he didn’t. Everyone has fun.
Moe’s first marriage falls through, and I’m not saying that there’s superstitious reasons for this but I’m just saying- he most certainly DID NOT present a bottle of scotch as an offering at the reception so we must reasonably assume that this had something to do with it. He gets married again and you better believe that there was a bottle of scotch waiting for his brothers at their table.
So this tradition carried on into the next generation. No one actually expects that the four of them are up to kidnapping anyone when they’re well into their 50′s, but no one is about to risk it. There is a bottle of scotch at the table where the brothers sit at every wedding.
But my cousin Julia is a perfectionist and if there is any detail that might go wrong, she is going to obsess over it. Because of this, she has a tendency to overcompensate to make sure that NOTHING goes wrong. NOTHING.
She plans her big moment TO THE MINUTE and a week before the wedding she has this revelation… she has heard… stories.
Around the same time, my grandma is moving out of her old house and she’s inviting family members to rifle through her old things before she gives them to Goodwill. Me, my dad, Tim, and Jay are all there. We’re about to leave when Moe comes up the drive way with a BIG BOX.
And Gran is like ‘I don’t need more stuff… I don’t need more stuff.. what the fresh hell have you brought to me this time, son of mine?’
He sets it on the floor and it clinks.
“Julia has ordered me to bring this as a preemptive offer to ensure that there will be no need for a ransom.”
He has brought 24 bottles of scotch. Each brother, including himself, can have six bottles. Whatever debt might have been incurred from his first marriage has been paid off. Her children, and her children’s children, and her children’s children’s children… will no longer need to live in fear of kidnapping on their wedding night.
This is a sharp contrast to my sister-in-law, who learned of this tradition a week before her wedding, went out and bought a bottle of scotch, slammed it down on their table, and told them to fight for it.
ENFJ: Is one of the nicest person I know, seems to make friends every time she’s in a public place. Has a really hard time saying no to people asking favors to her. Cries a lot, especially when watching animal videos and TV competition shows auditions (golden buzzer moments especially).
ESFJ: Has a creepy way of knowing when you’re not feeling well. Always has comforting words of wisdom. Has very strong belief in their values. She’s the person I go to when I need honest opinion about a subject of just to get some infinite love. Cries a lot too, especially when with ENFJ.
ENFP: Is VERY emotional, can go from butterflies and rainbows to torture chambers and fire pits real fast. Amazing sense of fashion, goes through phases (only wears black, only wears pastel, only shops at thrift stores). Is never at the center of conflict and can always find a way to mend broken bonds. Very intelligent but can make some non-intelligent spontaneous decisions. Acts as though they don’t care what people think but they’re probably the most self-conscious people I know (except for maybe ISFP).
ESFP: Can’t stand doing nothing for more than 5 minutes, has more energy than a 3 year old. Is really fun to argue with but don’t kid yourself, you’ll never win the argument (or you’ll know you’re right but they’ll never acknowledge that). Likes the outdoors and wants to live on a farm later in life.
ENTJ: If incredibly smart but even more hard headed. Cares a lot about people but cares more about their success. Was in all the clubs at school and for good reasons, they’re extraordinary leaders. Has no patience for stupid people or bullshit.
ESTJ: Has a very dark sense of humor and I LOVE it. Has a very astonishing way of always getting what they want. Looks like an introvert until they are seen in a crowd. Would be the person I would want with me during an apocalypse.
ENTP: The comebacks that come out of their mouths are amazing. Could never be bored around them since they’ll find a dark and twisty subject to talk about. Will argue as much as ESFP but will usually be more right and sometimes even admit when they’re wrong. I’ve never seen someone party like an ENTP. Secretly hates people but can’t live without constant interaction with them.
ESTP: I don’t know any ESTPs, guys where are you?
INFJ: You can do nothing with this person, for like 4 hours and feel like you just had a super deep conversation, baked cookies and climbed Mount Everest. Doesn’t talk a lot but when he does it is always the truth. Nobody dislikes INFJ, how could you he’s like that one flower growing in a field of rocks.
ISFJ: Loves books, is afraid of doing extreme sports and things that could be dangerous. Has so much imagination and lives to help others. I have never seen them angry.
INFP: Takes everything so personally, I’m always afraid to say a joke around them. Doesn’t do much, binge watches a lot of Netflix shows and loves politics.
ISFP: They never tell you how they’re really feeling but it doesn’t matter, you can read them like a book. Are very self conscious and seek attention from people. They’re so generous and kind but it’s hard to give back to them. Loves classic rock and old video games, is addicted to sports.
INTJ: I WANT AN INTJ FRIEND SO BAD. I’m pretty sure my chemistry class teacher’s assistant was INTJ but didn’t have the nerve to ask him, he was very passionate about science, over population and the statistic of the online dating world.
ISTJ: Can’t find any of you guys either, sorry…
INTP: YOU GUYS ARE EVERYTHING. I only know one INTP. Right now he’s either on wikipedia, watching educational videos on Youtube or playing some indie video game. INTP looks very socially awkward but is one of the kindest soul I’ve ever met. Talks to me about subjects I know nothing about (politics, economics…) in a way that makes me interested. Plus their vibes are super sexy.
ISTP: Where is your secret hideout, where are you guys hiding?
Warning: These are based on people I know in my life and I don’t expect them to represent everyone who are those types. If you are ESTP, ISTJ or ISTP I’m sorry, from one MBTI addict to another you don’t know how badly I want to meet one of you guys.