dark souls 2

Dark Souls’ Kings And Lords

Gwyn: I will raise this son as a daughter and in general take a whole diarrhea on him regardless of his merits and accomplishments because he was born aligned to a different aspect than me. I will also disown my other son and erase any records of his identity and history. I embarked on genocide of dragons for possibly very shady reasons, and was fully on board with a dangerous project to recreate that which cannot be replicated, resulting in a catastrophic failure that mutated a wise and peaceful civilization into murderous beast. You are supposed to feel bad about having to kill me, as the sad piano that plays while we duke it out suggests.

King of Oolacile: Dude, what if we totally dabbled in the forbidden arts with our golden sorceries (read: utility spells) as our only back-up and tortured this ancient conglomeration of twisted existences that we revived just to satisfy our sick curiosity? That’d be RAD, I hope nothing about this bites us in the ass down the lane, am I right.

The Four Kings: Man, it was really a challenge, but we finally got this whole New Londo jimjam going strong and steady! *phone rings* GUYS, THIS SNAKE THAT ANTAGONIZES EVERYTHING WE STAND FOR PROMISES TO TEACH US THE 120% ILLEGAL ART OF LIFEDRAIN, LET’S ROLL, I MEAN, WHAT’S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN?

King Vendrick: *playing the harmonica off-note in his shitty crypt* I married this really hot chick but she turned out to be, like, a literal aspect of darkness hell-bent on the obliteration of civilization, so, hey, whatevs, man, you gotta compromise in marriage, right? *takes a swig of a black label Johnnie Walker* she then was like “honey, you gotta murderize that entire civilization of peaceful giants”, so we did! It was GREAT, we lost over half of our population, I redefined the concept of “war crime”, it was mad cool, man, well, except for the part where I realized what I had done, engaged full pussy mode, and locked myself in a crypt, where I took to wandering naked and afraid while my bodyguard protects me, despite the fact that I am insanely strong and immortal and wise. WHATCHA GONNA DO *LIFTS ARMS IN MOCK SURRENDER* *LAUGH TRACK PLAYS*

Duke Tseldora: SPIDERS

The Sunken King: Whew! That took a LOT of time, but we finally did it! We built a whole city around this slumbering dragon, our object of worship! This is, in no way, a dangerous idea at all. You know what is also not dangerous? Why, those famed Dragonslayers coming over by yonder, the Drakeblood Knights, led by Sir Yorgh, famed Dragonslayer! Let’s see what they want!

Old Iron King: LOOK AT ALL THIS METAL, HOMIE. LOOK AT MY COOL ASS SAMURAI MAN TEACHING MY KNIGHTS TO BE SAMURAI, HOMIE. LOOK AT THIS BITCHIN’ FUCKIN’ FORMER DRANGLEIC KNIGHT, RAIME, WHO CAME TO SERVE ME, HOMIE. YEAH BABY, WE GOT IT ALL IN THE IRON KINGDOM, WE GOT THESE CROSS-CULTURAL SAMURAI KNIGHTS PIMPING UP THE PLACE WITH PLATE ARMOR AND IAI, MAN, AND WE– H-hold on, Alonne, baby? Where you going, man? Baby, no, I can change, I swear, please come back, baby, NO, BABY, ALONNE *SHANKS ALONNE* aw fiddlesticks well I guess my kingdom goes to fuck now ‘cause I will throw the biggest, meanest tantrum in the history of big diaper pissbabies LET’S GO

Ivory King: Hello! I love you! Yes, you! Whoever is reading this, I love you! I really do! And while I love you a lot, there’s someone I love even more, and that’s my beautiful wife, Alsanna! God, I love my wife, she’s so beautiful and kind and smart, I just want her to be happy forever. I know, she’s a literal aspect of darkness who came with evil intentions and zealous desire to raze my lands, but, I know that anyone, anyone, is capable of redemption, and my love has confirmed that. I love my wife, and I love my kingdom Eleum Loyce, my capable knights, my beautiful tigers, my kingdom of snow and peace! Wanna know a secret? I built my kingdom right on top of the Old Chaos to contain it, to keep it in check, so it wouldn’t rampage across the world. Ah, I’m really sad to have to cut this short, but my soul, well, it wavers. After so many years of fighting it, my very fabric is yielding to the overwhelming chaos. As an ultimate act of sacrifice, I will give myself to the Flame, contain the whole essence of the Old Chaos within my body, and keep it wrested to the ground, so it can never harm anyone evermore. I am glad to have met you, but I must go now. Please live a wonderful life! Shout out to my beautiful wife!

Yhorm the Giant: *hands you the one thing that can kill him* I AM HONESTLY TRYING TO MAKE THINGS BETTER, PLEASE TRUST ME. AND IF I GO COO-COO, USE THAT TO KILL ME, AND ALSO, I AM PUTTING AWAY MY GREATSHIELD SO IT IS EASIER TO HIT ME IN CASE I GO BAD, BUT PLEASE, I AM JUST TRYING TO BE GOOD, BRUSH YOUR SEATBELT AND FASTEN YOUR TEETH.

Oceiros, the Consumed King: *spams your Facebook feed with photos of his invisible baby*

Nameless King: Funny story, but I am actually not a king. Anyways, check out these delayed attacks and these FPS drops.

Prince Lothric: What If Stay Home Instead

Monster Factory creations ranked by power

Rank: D

While very weak and lacking any good combat skills, Squirtle has great speed, accuracy, and potential to become stronger which prevents him from being an F

Rank: A

A cyborg cat mimicking the popular orange cartoon cat with extreme acrobatic, fighting capability, control over the internet, and no known weakness (besides Mondays), however he is far more focused on lasagna jpegs than actually fighting

Rank: C

Completely average in any way, the only advantage any of them have is in social situations and hierarchy (Special agent and a business man)

Rank: A

Similar to G.A.R.F.I.E.L.D. D-Bomb sports extreme physical strength, extreme agility, and is unkillable, however unlike G.A.R.F.I.E.L.D. D-Bomb is a remorseless kill far more focused on destruction and chaos than lasagna

Rank: B

An extraordinary wrestler created as a clone of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, while a mutated monster of the original he is far more powerful than the original

Rank: S

Possessed by an eldritch god, Truck has mutated far beyond what he once was, continuing to spread, an unstoppable being

Rank: C

A combination of Angela Lansbury and dinosaur DNA allows Dino-Lansbury to reign at C rank, while the average old person lies within the D rank, other than her hybrid body there is nothing extraordinary about her besides that her body is able to produce jam by eating fruit

Rank: D

Other than his shape shifting powers and sturdy body, the Boy-Mayor is very weak as he lives the mayor life, using his words over his fists, however due to his position as the mayor of Second Life, one should not confront him for various reasons

Rank: C

The strongest C rank on the list, while very acrobatic and powerful, his lack of using guns is what holds him back, however he shows much potential to continue without guns, he does have great influence over others as he was able to fully ban guns securing his spot as the strongest C rank

Rank: A

With extreme physical strength, extreme agility, knowledge of all existing spells, and the ability to clone himself and others, Chiquita Dave is the only creature able to fight with G.A.R.F.I.E.L.D. and D-Bomb with both strength and numbers

Rank: S

An indestructible god capable of altering reality around her to the point of affecting other worlds, the strongest monster of them all, far more powerful than Truck, G.A.R.F.I.E.L.D., D-Bomb, and Chiquita Dave

Rank: F

It’s just Bart Simpson, anyone can beat Bart in a fight

Rank : B

Alone Randy is still a B and PanPan would be a simple D due to his weak body, however together they make and amazing team with Randy Johnson’s throwing capabilities and PanPan’s small body and pointed head, together they make a solid B rank

Rank: D

A small weak creature heavily affected by vaping, severely limiting her abilities

Rank: ?

Due to his limited screen time it is unknown how powerful he truly is, it is estimated he would be within the range of a high C to a mid B

Rank: B

A fairly strong beings, able to wield magic and the Steve Harvey Shield, the #Noid his a mid or even a high B rank, while able to collect Final Pam souls, this does not affect his rank

Rank: B

Almost as powerful as Dwayne “The Pebble” Johson, what Jorstin lacks in head durability he makes up for in rudeness and Honky Tonk mans

Rank: C

A weak C rank, low skill level at everything he tries, the very few fights he can win are against weaker opponents or by the skin of his teeth, good at shouting

Rank: C

Only remarkable things about Totino’s is his connection to the Boy-Mayor of Second Life and the ability to summon pizzas of varying sizes

Rank: B

A somewhat skilled Sly Cooper cosplaying warrior, proficient with a pole and at kicking people

Rank: D

Although he looks powerful, he is terrible at the king’s game: jolf

Rank: B

A very physically strong crime stopper that will stop at nothing to eat crime in the most nonviolent way possible, such as sending criminals to Dairy Queen

Rank: B

The successor to dogs, Jaa’m is superior to them in every way

Rank: B

Having the power of all of the Shrek movies combines, Shreck is a powerful creature on par with Jaa’m

Rank: B

An off shoot of the Shreck species, however they have not evolved to be a strong as the current Shreck line

Rank: B

A second subspecies of the Shreck line, usually found around Shrecks

Rank: A

Being the daughter of the legendary Final Pam and Parappa the Rapper Turbo Vicki is an extraordinary being, master at all sports and an unstoppable creature, even death can not stop her as she will reincarnate as her daughter

Rank: F

Dick Cheney is a weak old man who is terrible at sports

THE LOVERS - BURNT IVORY KING & ALSANNA 


“I was born of fear and my lord provided comfort.”


The Lovers represent perfection, harmony and mutual attractiveness. Their trust in one another gives them strength and confidence to overcome the obstacles in life. The bond that the two lovers has created is incredibly strong and is often reflective of a marriage, soul mate connection or very intimate and close relationship. On a more personal level, the Lovers card represents the establishment of a personal belief system and becoming clearer about your own values. This is a time when you are figuring out what you stand for and what your personal philosophy on life is.This is also a time when you need to stay true to yourself and be as authentic and genuine as possible.