dark city sisters

I played DS3. I speculated on DS3. Then The Ringed City came out. This is a rant taken from a chat with @heliicon and posted with slight modifications for @bellringerkat‘s amusement.

Ok so, first of all, lemme reiterate for anybody who hasn’t been subjected to my rants yet, the Gods and all connected directly to them are fucking liars.

The Royal Everloving Fuck is up with Midir ? Another dragon up and about that works for the Gods ? Get off my dick. What on earth was Gwyn doing during the war, pulling favoritisms left and right for anybody who was gracious enough to give their ass out ? Wouldn’t surprise me anymore considering how many half dragon children are apparently on the Gods’ bloodline. And speaking of which, who the hell is Shira ? “Daughter of the Duke”, what Duke, Seath ? Tseldora from DS2 ? Another totally unrelated dude that just spawned out of nowhere ? Bull shit.

The Church of Filianore makes no sense. She would have had to be there for fucking forever, even before Gwyndolin probably, so that “youngest daughter” thing is literally meaningless. Why is she sleeping ? Why is that a problem ? Nothing changes if you wake her up ! You get transported to a totally different time and place, in which she’s dead like no one ever woke her up in the first place, so what is the difference ?? Plus that is clearly an alternate dimension just like the Untended Graves, and even if it wasn’t- the “real world” is ALREADY in ruin ! “Her slumber is for the sake of others”, her slumber is an ass pull that stinks of callback.

How the hell are the paintings even supposed to be made without the Dark Soul, which, would you look at that, is kept locked away in a place that would be impossible to access unless Filianore was awakened, only that’s a lie too cause Shira does it, and she’s a fucking liar as well because she said she was a “captive” and yet she just waltzes out like it’s nobody’s fucking business and goes to mope in the little chapel next to Gael’s murder ground, AND WHERE WERE YOU FOR THAT ONE BATTLE, BITCH ? Oh, and how did Gael even get there before us if we had to wake Filianore up for him ? He couldn’t do it himself, otherwise why help the Ashen One all the way down ?? And if he could, it just proves my point that her sleep is totally useless.

Also the more I think about the “King’s Decree” and more it stinks. Is Gwyn the King ? Would make sense, and yet. Why not the God’s Decree. Shira calls him God, the pygmy bitch at the start calls him God. Meanwhile an entire gathering of pygmy royalty is having a picnic in the next dimension. Even Shira’s weapon mentions a “mad king” born of the pygmies. Something’s fishy and it’s not Kos this time. THE FUCKING PURIFICATION MONUMENT CAN REINSTATE THE DECREE. WHAT DOES IT DO, WIPE OUT THE MEMORY OF THE ASHEN ONE CLEANING THE FLOOR WITH HALFLIGHT’S SCRAWNY ASS ?

Londor culture thrives on the Ringed City’s simbolism and yet not one pilgrim made it there, they just all decided to digievolve into Screaming Holy Gatlings just before the drop. Good fucking work, everyone, Yuria would be proud. What the hell happened to the Sable Church anyway ? Wasn’t Friede’s presence kind of a big plot point ? Wasn’t there supposed to be a third sister ? We don’t know. The devs don’t know.

And we haven’t even touched the subject of how it all just Looks Like Oolacile, statues of suspicious Gwyndolin-looking figures, birch trees and Humanity Juice Pool included. Or how the Judicators drop holy water grenades blessed by the Queen of Lothric, yet we still have no idea who she’s supposed to be. And don’t give me that “it’s Gwynevere !!” bullshit, because if you were Gwynevere you wouldn’t escape from a self-centered royal bastard connected to Seath who abuses his children just to come back ages later to have kids with a self-centered royal bastard connected to Seath who abuses his children. What about Rosaria, or Gertude ? Lost to time, but hey, sexy outfits.

This DLC is a mess. This lore is a mess. The Deep is coming. Get your tickets and have a good run, I’ll be back in Anor Londo cutting the dick off of every Gwyn’s statue with my teeth.