darcy will taser you

  • Darcy Lewis: Rhodie gets a suit, Pepper gets a suit, Spidy gets a suit, Sam gets wings, Widow gets a suit Why don't I get a suit? Do you not love me?
  • Tony Stark, busy reading his kiddy fan mail: You got a taser.
  • Darcy Lewis: A taser is not a suit.
  • Tony Stark, looking up and wearing the Daddest face you have ever seen: You throw up on rollercoasters. Every fricken time. You /hate/ rollercoasters. Do you know how many G's you pull in a suit? It's worse than a fighter jet.
  • Even with the buffers and the repulser tech. Throwing up on your face plate is pretty gross, if you ask me.
  • Tony Stark: I like to think your super powers are better suited behind a desk. Like Pepper. Or Fury. But with more Political Science and subtle manipulation of the press.
  • Darcy Lewis:
  • .... I do really hate rollercoasters.
  • Stark: I'll make you some fancy new tasers who fly like that Blue Guys Arrows when you whistle. How's that, sweetums?
  • Darcy Lewis, still wanting a suit in a lovely shade of blue with lightning bolts on it, but accepting this as a fair trade: Sounds good.
Ride With Me (Part 8)

PAIRING: readerxbuckybarnes au


WARNINGS: light swearing. 

*(Y/N)’s working double time to cover Wanda’s shift she is confronted with a handsome stranger who is as dangerous as his silver tongue   

 I did it, I bloody did it. A whole day spending time with my Aunt and Uncle and I was still able to write this chapter. I may suffer for it in the morning but who cares, I can sleep when I’m dead ahaha 

Previous Chapter 


“It’s been over a month (Y/N) and you didn’t call of course I was going to worry” You rolled your eyes as you shimmied into your jeans.

“I’m sorry Jess, I really am. Thing’s just got a little crazy” you trailed off trapping your phone between your shoulder and ear as you fiddled with the button of your jeans.

“This is my point, you left to get away from crazy. Now you’re six feet deep in Sheild and Red Skull shit,” You sighed knowing she was right.

“How are things on your end? How’s Trish” You asked tentatively.

“She’s ok, coping as best as anyone can. She still didn’t think you had to move away”

“It was the best thing for everyone if I left Jess, you know that” you pulled on a shirt as you did your best to sort out the bird’s ness that was your hair.

“I know, I know. It still sucks” Jess huffed, you could imagine her now. Stood on the sidewalk smoking glaring at any passerby.

“Do you really think Luke would have let me stay any longer than he already did? I left on semi good terms, it would have been a lot fucking worse if I stayed you know that.” You spun around looking frantically for some socks; you could have sworn you’d seen a pair not five minutes ago.

“Look at the end of the day you chose to leave and I can’t hate you for that, what I can hate you for is getting involved with this Bucky guy. The things they say about him in Chicago…. are you sure about him (Y/N)?” No matter how much of a truthful bitch Jess could be, she was your best friend since high school and she did have your best interest at heart.

“It’s different this time Jess, I know you and Trish are going to think I’m stupid and naive to get myself involved. But it’s different, it know it’s different”

“Like it was with Danny?” You froze in your search for your missing socks.

“That was low even for you Jess” you heard her swear under her breathe.

“I’m sorry, I know I’m a bitch.”  

“Yeah you are, look I have to go I’m late for work” you ripped the phone from your ear slamming your thumb on the end call button before Jess even had a chance to explain. Throwing you phone in your bag you gave up the search for the sock and went to your chest of draws. Grabbing the first pair you could find you hands hovered above them. Just underneath was Schmidt’s gun. You had managed to strategically place your socks and underwear to cover it, a month had passed since that night and Peitro’s accident and you had hardly seen Bucky at all. Sharon kept you inform as much as she could and Natasha would swing by Hawkeyes from time to time, but since you and Sharon has split Wanda’s roster between you so she could look after Pietro in the hospital you had been flat out working. You hadn’t seen much of the Red Skull gang and you didn’t know if you should feel relieved or worried, it was like they had dropped off the map since Pietro’s accident. Apparently Tony couldn’t find anything suspicious much to his persistence that it must have been someone or something behind it. Clasping the socks in your left hand you reach in for the gun with your right. Swallowing hard your brain was screaming two different things at you, like an angel and a demon whispering in your ear. Slipping on the socks you shoved your feet into your boots, grabbing your jacket from the back of the couch you were out the door in minutes. The gun safely back in your underwear draw.

“So I’m thinking Italian food, you can’t go wrong with Italian good. It’s real romantic too, little Italian restaurant. A bit of wine some pasta a bit of light flirting and she’ll be putting in my hands right?” you had to laugh at Louis as he explained his master-dating plan.

“Well I wouldn’t be able to say no to lasagna and wine” you chuckled as the two of you carried the clean glasses tray from the kitchen to the bar.

“Right! It’s fool proof, my roommates say’s I’m an idiot but what does he know. He sit’s on the couch most of the time eating Baskin Robbins if he’s not running from the law” Louis must have realised he said too much as his eyes widened at you.

“You didn’t hear that from me ok” you mimed zipping up your lips and throwing away the key.

“My lips are sealed, but you better get going if you’re going to pick your date up on time” you glanced at the clock on the wall.

“But Darcy isn’t here yet” Louis pointed out, Clint also had the day off but it was a Monday night. It had been a quite afternoon and there was no one in the bar even at seven thirty.

“She’ll be here in five minutes, I’m sure I can cope being by myself. Just go and remember no roses it’s too cliché get her a mixed bunch” Louis seamed to like this idea as he pointed a finger at you.

“You’re good girl, no wonder Barnes swooped in when he did”

You tongue felt heavy as Louis skipped out of the bar giving you a wave, you groaned into the empty space as you started putting the clean pint glasses away. You were frustrated to say the least; Bucky had said that he wanted to be with you. Maybe he’d had time to think and didn’t want that anymore, you had respected that he needed space so you didn’t push. You threw yourself into taking up shifts at Hawkeyes; Wanda’s presents at your apartment was almost non-existent had been few and far between so you didn’t really have anyone to talk to. When you broach the subject with Jess earlier she wasn’t exactly offering a shoulder to cry on, bring up past mistakes certainly wasn’t what you needed right now.  You let out a heavy sigh as you finished putting away the first tray, you were so preoccupied with your thoughts you almost didn’t seen the stranger walking into the bar. He was an older man, but still good-looking. His suit was defiantly tailor made, with hints of green detailing it. His dark hair was slicked back over his ears; his eyes scanned the bar with a less than impressed look on his face as he twirled his cane around.  His green eyes found yours for a moment before he smiled.

“Can I get you anything sir?” you asked as causally and friendly as you could, your whole body was in overdrive at the sight of this stranger. Something about him seamed familiar and unsettling.

“A pot of tea if you would be so kind” you nod at his unusual request, but you complied. Five minutes later you set down the old small silver pot of steaming tea and a cup and saucer in front of him, he thanked you as he sat down at the bar.

“Would you like milk?” you asked but the man waved you off.

“No thank you” you nod moving away slight to finish putting away the pint glasses.

“I bet your wondering why a man like myself would come to an establishment like this and order a pot of tea” the man’s lips had curled up into a half smile as he practically read your mind.

“It’s not like we get men like yourself coming in here often” you joked slightly.

“There are no men like me” you felt a shiver travel up your spine as he took a sip of his tea, his eyes never breaking from yours.

“I hear you’re quite familiar with my daughter Miss (Y/N)” you felt your stomach flip.

“You’re going to have to be a bit more specific Mr…”

“Loki. My daughter Helena had some choice words to say about you” you felt your blood run cold. Helena… Hela.

“I believe the phrase you used was ‘the next thing coming out your mouth will be your teeth’ that’s a very serious threat Miss (Y/N)” Loki eyed you, your mouth felt like sand as you tried to swallow.

“I’m not going to apologies to her if that’s what you came here for” you crossed your arms as your hearth thumped in your chest.

“Oh no on the contrary, knock as many of her teeth out as you like. I just came by to see what type of woman Bucky Barnes had moved on to. Helena can be quite possessive of things that are no longer her’s to play with” Loki’s comment almost took the wind out of you things that were no longer her to play with. What the hell did that mean? Loki must have seen your confusion.

“You didn’t know, Helena and Bucky use to be quite the item back in the day. It’s a father’s duty to keep tabs on their daughter’s suitors, not matter how questionable they may be. I’m surprised your friends did not tell you. Hmmm” Loki made a curious noise as he finished his cup of tea. Taking out a crisp five-dollar note he threw it onto the counter as he stood.

“You seam like the type of woman who can stand her ground, I’d hate for you to get involved in something you can’t control. My daughter may seam psychotic and unstable, but she is just as capable as you are. Don’t underestimate her or me for that matter” you felt a cold wash over you as Loki’s words turned dark and sinister.

“Oh good look whose here.” Tony’s sudden voice made you jump in surprise, he and Darcy were stood at the doorway glaring at Loki.

“If you’re trying to start something Loki I will taser you” Darcy threatened. Loki seamed un-affected by this simply straitening up and smiling.

“Just giving (Y/N) some friendly advice” Loki looked to you still smiling, a gesture that you were not willing to give back.

“Well then un-give it, I’d hate to have to tell Barton you were in his bar. Especially after what happened last time” Tony narrowed his eyes.

“It was hardly my fault my adopted brother becomes a blundering idiot when he is intoxicated”

“I’m sure Thor would love to hear that” Darcy snorted as she pushed past Loki.

“Seriously fuck off before I taser you, I’m not joking” your eyes almost bulged out of your head as Darcy barked at Loki and that Thor and the man before you were related… kind of? Loki didn’t seam fazed as he walked towards the door that Tony was blocking.

“Move, before I throw you out of the window” the two of them sized each other up for a moment before Tony moved away and you relaxed slightly. You watched as breeze through the door with out another word.

“Did he threaten you?” Darcy asked worry etched into her features.

“It seams to be a common occurrence in his family. I just need a minute, I’ll be back” you excused yourself before either of them could object. Fishing your phone out of your pocket you typed out your message.

Loki just called in to Hawkeyes for a visit. We need to talk.

You leaned against the kitchen wall; looking up at the ceiling you replayed Jess’s words to you earlier that day.

You’re six feet deep in Sheild and Red Skull shit.

You hated when she was right, she had tried talking you out of coming back to New York. Tried to convince you to travel down to New Orleans or even LA. But no you wanted New York; you thought coming back would somehow be easier. The two years you lived in Chicago were hell; Danny was the one thing you didn’t account for. But your relationship was doomed from the start, you needed a distraction from Jeremy and he got too involved. The sharp ping of the incoming message drew you out of your thought as you looked down at your phone.

I’ll be at yours when you finish your shift tonight doll.

Of course he knew when your shift was ending, you thought rolling your eyes. The message was brief; there were no mentions of missing you or wanting to see you too. You felt a sharp pang of hurt in your chest followed by a rumble of anger. Hela was his ex and he didn’t even tell you. What’s more so, you threaten his ex at gunpoint and he wasn’t even the slightly bit mad at you. Granted you didn’t know any of the details yet but even so, if someone pointed a gun at Danny you would still be pretty fucking pissed. Jess was right about another thing it seamed.

Did you really know Bucky Barnes at all?

Next Chapter 

Tag List: 

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anonymous asked:

Sirius Black / Darcy Lewis (aka the one where the veil leads to another dimension bc I will always refuse a characters death unless there's an actual corpse) with a song of your choice :)

Stand By Me - Annalise Emerick

More of a Meet-cute.  BUT.  I find this AU highly interesting.  :P  

He dropped down as if out of nowhere, falling on the ground and jumping up again immediately.  He spun around a few times, patting his body all over as if he wasn’t sure he was in one piece.  

“Dude…” Darcy took a step forward, glancing over at Jane out of the corner of her eye.  “Are you from Asgard?”  

“What?” He spun around, advancing on her rather quickly.  “Who are you?  Where’s the Ministry?  The prophecy?  Harry?  Where’s Harry Potter, can you tell me that?”  

“WHOA, dude…”  Darcy held her taser aloft in front of her.  “I’ve been known to use this before.  So like, either tell me your name?  Or suffer the consequences. I know you’re probs all out of your mind…what with falling from a big portal in the sky and all…but you’re gonna have to calm yourself…”  

“He’s not from Asgard, Darcy…the readings aren’t the same as they were with Thor…” Jane muttered under her breath.  “I don’t KNOW where he’s from…”

“My name’s Black.  Sirius Black.  And I was JUST in the Ministry of Magic…in Wizarding London?” He looked around the dark desert.  “Where am I now?”  

“New Mexico?  U.S?”  Darcy offered.  “And I know exactly what you’re talking about.  You fell through the Veil in the Death Chamber, right?”  

He nodded desperately.  “Yes. YES.  You know?  Can you get me back there?” 

“Jane…we’re gonna need to get J.K Rowling on the phone…”  Darcy muttered under her breath.  “I think we have a Jon Snow type of situation here…”  

“Another one?” Jane sighed.  “How many authors travel to alternate universes and then write about it in this one?  That seems like cheating.”  

“Sirius…want some coffee?  Maybe we’ll make it Irish if I can find the whiskey?”

“Can you get me back there?” he asked again desperately.  

Darcy shrugged.  “Dude, I dunno.  But I can tell you not to worry.  Harry’s okay.”  

“How do you know?”

“I read it somewhere.  Now…c’mon Padfoot.  Let’s drive back to civilization while we wait on Jo to call us back…”

[Part 2]

[Part 3]

good enough

@dixiedolittle asked: So, I feel like a prompt pig, but here’s another, please. Darcy. Insecurity. Thank you!

I… well, I tried to play out Darcy’s insecurity about her own self-worth across her interactions with the other Avengers. It got way out of hand, but I wanted something special in honor of the holidays, so… anyways, it’s a bit late for Christmas, but I hope you like it regardless!

Darcy’s crush on Steve is completely unreasonable, given how he basically ignores her existence. Natasha takes it upon herself to intervene, taking advantage of Christmas being right around the corner.  

Or, it takes twelve people to ship it, and one more to make it happen.

1. Natasha

When Natasha first brought it up, Darcy laughed to hide the stab of insecurity that ran through her gut. 

“I barely know the guy, Nat,” she said, ducking her head to hide her blush – there was no doubt the assassin knew about her not-so-secret crush on Steve Rogers. “He’s nice, from what I know, but I don’t think we really mesh.”

She thought back to how he’d never meet her eyes, how he made a point to leave a room if she entered it, how he stood as far away from her as he could. She ignored how much it hurt to remember those things.

“Oh?” Natasha fixed her with a blank stare and a single, arched eyebrow. “You’re going to be the only ones here for Christmas. You never know.”

“I’m serious.” Darcy smiled, but it felt like Natasha could see right though her. “Happy single lady, right here.” 

Natasha hummed, dropping the subject, but Darcy had the sinking feeling that this was going to become a regular occurrence.

Keep reading

The Dangerous Present
  • Jane: *opens box and finds a taser inside*
  • Darcy: Just in case you run into evil aliens again.
  • Thor: *looks mortified*
  • Loki: Tell her about the settings. *tries really hard not to laugh*
  • Darcy: Mr. I-can't-believe-this-isn't-more-powerful here modified it to have three settings. Sting, I-want-to-die, and six-feet-under.
  • Tony: We were also thinking of making that into a ring for discreet attacks.
Sword and taser


Darcy had been a mess lately, Juggling work, and her own life. Shed been like a acrobat, on a tightrope with a lion underneath her. A very hungry lion. On no sleep. But today, today was her day off, which meant sleep.. Except she couldn’t sleep. So Darcy did the one thing she was surprised she even wanted to do.

She went running.

Turning the corner of eighth street, she slowed down when someone came out of one of the buildings, watching the woman juggle some things in her hands. She knew the lady probably had it, but she jogged over anyway, smiling.

“Hay need some help?”

the breadsticks meme


Fact:  the best breadsticks in New York are from Mama Corleone’s. 

The restaurant wasn’t around in Bucky’s time, but he had the honor of trying the original breadsticks baked by the real Mama Corleone.  Which basically happened because Don Corleone had a genuine soft spot for Steve. 

It was kind of touching that one of the Corleone grandchildren managed to carry on the family recipes. 

But anyway, Bucky was pretty surprised when Steve laid a paper-napkin wrapped bundle of Mama Corleone breadsticks on his lap.  

“What happened to your date?”

Steve’s expression could be in the dictionary under miserable.  “Nat told me she loved cosplay, but seeing her dressed up as Peggy…. “

Bucky winced.

“… so I told her I gotta go save the world again and grabbed the breadsticks and brought them home to you.”

“Steve, you didn’t.”

“They’re really good breadsticks.”

“Your mama raised you to be a gentleman, Rogers.  At least send her apology flowers!”

Steve did.  But there was definitely no second date in the offering.


The thing was, Bucky explained away the funny fluttery feelings in his stomach as gas or maybe the result of years of eating nothing but HYDRA’s nutritional sludge.  It totally had nothing to do with the fact that he felt the exact same way when he first saw Peggy Carter in that hot red dress, with all of her considerable attention solely on Steve. 

Yeah.  Gas.  He tells Steve he looks good in that blue shirt that brings out his eyes and for Chrissakes Steve, wear actual jeans that make your ass look good, it’s the 21st century already, get yourself out of khaki hell. 

Bucky’s in the middle of watching The A-Team when Steve comes home.  With the breadsticks.

“So what happened?”

“She’s an anti-vaxxer, Buck.”

“What. The. Fuck.”

“She actually wanted me to endorse the whole anti-vaccination movement – “

“Ahahahahahaha, your Mama would’ve given her hell - it’s a fucking miracle you didn’t catch polio with all your other health shit – “

“ – and remember Sam’s niece had to be sent to her grandma’s because she was too young to get the vaccine?”

Steve ended up sharing the breadsticks with Bucky while they watched more episodes of the A-Team. 

God help them, Steve had a near perfect impression of Colonel Hannibal Smith.  And naturally, he was inspired by one of the good Colonel’s plans during their next mission.  It was a good plan - it didn’t get them all killed. 

Bucky did get sore at the idiot for putting himself in harm’s way to save Bucky’s sorry ass though.

Keep reading

A Little Shock

A Tasertricks Fic

Loki x Darcy


When Darcy Lewis came into work on Tuesday morning, the last thing she expected was to walk into the homicidal God of Mischief; yet there she was flailing as she fell to the ground in an undignified heap with green eyes staring down at her.

Standing up fast enough to make her head spin, she called out in case anyone was in the lab, “Nobody freak out, but the guy that destroyed New York is standing right in front of me.”

Keep reading

Picnicking || James & Darcy

Jamie felt so nervous about this date. He stood beside Albert, brushing the horse’s mane compulsively. It was so soothing to just talk with him. “What if she–” Albert’s ears pricked forward at this and he started nudging Jamie in the chest with his snout, pushing him back lightly. He snorted, blowing air into Jamie’s face, and Jamie forced back a bit of laughter. “What? I’m concerned she won’t–” Again, Albert nudged the man in the chest, pushing him back again. Another snort.

“Fine, fine,” Jamie said, finally laughing. “I’m sure I have nothing to worry about.” He stroked down Albert’s forehead, down the white cross. As his laughter faded, he smiled softly. “You’re a good friend, Albert,” he said.

With his nerves calmed slightly, James found himself only worrying about his appearance. He’d used gel to slick back his hair, and it’d only taken 23 attempts before he learned how to use the strange substance. Unfortunately, Tony had insisted upon dressing him again. He found himself in a Black Sabbath t-shirt this time–again, he had never heard of that band–and tight-fitting dark jeans. His shoes were apparently very expensive sneakers in black.

He hated the way Tony dressed him and swore that one day he would take that piece of plastic that Tony seemed to worship and purchase a new wardrobe with it. One that suited him a bit better.


Okay, so, while I was at my friend’s house, I got a few minor~ish ideas for what’s gonna be going on with James. I also said something really stupid but it sounded really funny because it was, like, 1 o’ clock in the morning and I was slap happy XD

Anyway, these ideas include:

  • Nicholls finding his mother’s necklace/ring/bracelet/otherjewelry in his pocket and has to deal with the emotions following that.
  • Nicholls/Darcy first kiss (I have to plan something wonderful for this. I’ve decided it’s going to be the best first kiss ever.)
  • Getting advice from Evangeline and Amelia about Darcy (Maybe that first kiss thing I was talking about earlier.)
  • Tortured by Satan  (Yes. This is happening. Eventually XD)

If you guys have any other ideas or thoughts or want to talk about some of these, lemme know ^_^))

darcy-will-taser-you  asked:

HEY :)

Opening Credits: “Never Let Me Go” by Florence + the Machine
Waking Up: “I’ll Cover You (Reprise)” from RENT
First Day At School: “A Rumor in St. Petersburg” from Anastasia
Falling In Love: “This is Halloween” by Marilyn Manson
Fight Song: “Violet Hill” by Coldplay
Breaking Up: “Get off of my Back” from Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron ((…Why do I feel like this actually fits?XD))
Life’s OK: “Hailie’s Song” by Eminem
Getting Back Together: “99 Death Eaters” by Draco and the Malfoys
Wedding: “World of Stone” by Blackmore’s Night
Birth of Child: “I Am” by Hilary Duff
Final Battle: “California” by Hollywood Undead
Death Scene: “Aim for the Head” by Creature Feature
Funeral Song: “Lily’s Theme” from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 Soundtrack ((…T-T))
End Credits: “Here I Am” from Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron

anonymous asked:

i was shrunk to 4 inches tall by a witch and now i kinda live in your kitchen without you knowing au ~ Darcy/Steve

This is a little different than what you requested, and it’s not entirely AU. Hope you like it anyway.

“Um… Darcy?” Steve slid down to his knees, his nose level with counter top, eyes tracking the brunette across the counter. All four inches of her. 

“Steve! Thank god! I’ve been trying to get someone’s attention all day!” Her voice was tiny and he had no doubt without his enhanced hearing he wouldn’t have heard her at all. 

“I’m not surprised…” He stopped short as she clutched her head, shielding her ears. He brought his voice down to a whisper. “Sorry.” She flinched a little but told him she was okay. 

“What happened?” He asked her watching as she paced across the marble counter top. 

“Loki! That’s what happened!” She screamed her little tiny voice barely about a whisper. He tried not to laugh. 

“Why would he shrink you down, though?” He saw rather than heard her sigh.
“I tasered him when I caught him in the lab this morning." 

Before he could reply Bucky and Clint pushed their way into the kitchen stopping at the sight before them.

"What are you doin’ punk?” Bucky stepped toward him, catching sight Darcy as he cleared Steve’s head. “What the hell?” He exclaimed as as he knelt beside Steve. Steve shushes him as Darcy flinch at the volume of his voice. 

“What happened?” Clint questioned behind them, squinting at little Darcy.

“She tasered Loki." 

"What is with you and tasing alien gods, doll?” She shrugged. 

“It’s a reflex.” Steve snorted shaking his head. He sighed standing from the floor.

“Come on sweetheart, let’s find Thor and get this reversed.” He set his hand on the counter palm up and Darcy scrambled into it. He then carefully lifted his hand to the breast pocket of his plaid button up and helped her slid in.
Bucky, watching the whole thing, shook his head as Darcy popped her head up out of the fabric. 

“That’s just weird.”


Good morning, lovelies~<3

So I heard back from femalelokilaufeyson, and she’s okay with the friendzoning. So this is what’s gonna happen:

As of right now, Jamie is a one-universe character. He is on a date with Darcy Lewis (darcy-will-taser-you). He thinks of Amelia (daughterofscience) and Evangeline (eva-lav) as his younger sisters. Major Stewart (majstewart) is his closest friend. He is living with Tony Stark (nogodinthisteam). He is very good friends with Loki (femalelokilaufeyson) and Madeline (madelinelockhart). He is enjoying getting to know Michelle (chellyybelly) and Shane (quicktriggerxrourke). He is in need of more men in his life.  

Any romance in threads with Loki (femalelokilaufeyson) and Madeline (madelinelockhart) are hereby abolished. He will still be affectionate if he gets close enough to you guys, but the romance won’t be there anymore.

If in the future I decide that I can handle more than one universe for this character for any reason, I’ll make another post about it. But for now, this is how it is <3

Thank you so much for understanding, guys <33