daplusk-deactivated20150104  asked:

Hi Nick, In terms of tweets what one tweet have you posted that you thought would kill but didn't and on the flip side what one tweet did you post that you didn't think would be as popular as it was. Thanks for answering.

Jeez. There’s a bunch. Some are just tweets that strike me funny in the moment, though. I often reread them back to myself later and realize they just don’t read as well as they could have. Unless I really feel strongly about them, I’ll delete them and revisit them another time to try to reword them and make them work.

These were stinkbombs, but they all make me giggle:

“Women won’t know true camaraderie until sorority girls can start drawing vaginas on their sisters’ foreheads when they pass out drunk.”

“The pope called the astronauts on the international space station yesterday. He asked, ‘So you’re absolutely SURE the Earth’s not flat?’”

“As far as clowns go, I bet Ronald McDonald has ruined more kids’ lives than John Wayne Gacy.”

“Last time I saw a face as ugly and orange as Snooki’s, it was on a doorstep on Halloween and it had a candle in its mouth.”

“Mashups confuse me. They either trick me into loving a song I hate, or hating a song I love. It’s like sex with an ex.”

“Pete Doherty is starting a fashion line. If you wanna look like Pete Doherty you should kill yourself. That includes you too, Pete Doherty.”

“I’m convinced that the sport of jai alai only exists for the benefit of crossword puzzles.”

“What makes fish think they’d enjoy the taste of an earthworm?”

“Premature ejaculation is such an ugly term. Let’s think of it as orgasmic brevity.”

“Avril Lavigne says living alone in her giant mansion can be scary at times. That’s so punk.”

The three tweets that surprised me the most had to be these:

“I just saw a 'Git-R-Done’ bumper sticker on a Prius and I don’t know what’s real anymore." 

"It’s odd how they name storms, but they don’t name calms. There’s a gentle breeze this morning. I think I’ll call him Doug.”

“Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are really splitting up. It’s NAHT a ROOMAH!”

I still shake my head at those.

…and then there’s the tweet that gained me my very first influx of followers is one that I hesitated tweeting for weeks, cos I thought it was dumb and no one would get it:

“I only read Garfield for the Arbuckles.”