Soft and Safe Chapter One
(My first phanfic. Judge me. I don’t care)
To be fair, life had been extremely stressful for Dan. For the past year and a half, he had written an entire book and co-directed a stage show. Things that he literally had no training in before he had taken on the tasks. The small vacations that they had taken did nothing for his anxiety and while he was pretty decent at pretending he was alright around his friends, Phil knew that Dan was wound too tight. The moment that they would enter their flat, Dan would deflate. His shoulders would sag and his head would hang and it was obvious that the world just felt too heavy for him. Phil would ask if he wanted to talk about it, but Dan would weakly laugh it off.
“Don’t worry about me. I’m just tired”.
“What are you on about? This is just my face.”
“Oh Phil, you silly guy. I’m constantly a hot mess. You should know this by now.”
Phil would play along, smiling just as weakly. He knew that Dan was stressed, because Phil was stressed too. There were so many deadlines and press conferences and people in their face CONSTANTLY. Phil’s stress manifested itself in illness. He felt like he had been coughing and wheezing for months. Even still, he worried because Dan had no reprieve. The music didn’t calm him and he couldn’t focus on anything enjoyable. He always looked like he was two seconds away from a cataclysmic meltdown and it broke Phil’s heart. He wanted to help his friend more than he could possibly say. He wanted Dan to have a little place where no one asked him to do anything too hard and he could unwind. He wanted to see Dan’s natural light shine through. Fuck, he honestly just wanted him to be comfortable again.
The thought had barreled through him suddenly and Phil sprang from the couch and lunged for his keys much to Dan’s surprise. They had been sitting in the living room watching Battlestar Galactica when Phil all of a sudden moved with haste to leave their apartment. It was uncharacteristic for Phil to not tell Dan where he was going. Though they had no real obligation to announce their comings and goings, it was an unspoken truth that Dan and Phil had a slight codependency issue. It wasn’t as if they were incapable of being apart from each other and sometimes they really did like their own private space. However, as a general rule of thumb, it was a slightly unnerving feeling to be separated from one another. Eating without the other one present felt foreign; incomplete. Touring had honestly made that fact more prominent. They went to different states daily, and had come to realize that the only thing that stopped them from panicking or being devastatingly homesick was the fact that they had each other to lean on. It was all innocent in its own right, but the staff and their friends did have to stifle giggles when Dan would dramatically call for Phil from across the venue because he wasn’t in his line of sight and he needed to know if this line sounded too cheesy or if the pose was too awkward. As it were, Dan didn’t want to come off as needy so he didn’t ask Phil why he was leaving. Phil was a grown man, and he could do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted.
The pang of worry and desperation that ghosted over Dan’s heart as he watched Phil put on his jacket would go away.
Phil skipped to the stairs with his keys and phone in hand. He gave Dan a hurried wave and headed towards the door. Dan put the episode on pause without a word and started messing around on the Internet while trying really really really hard to ignore how unbelievably silent the apartment was when Phil was gone. He tried not to let words like “stagnant” and “lonely” dance around in his mind. They were two separate people who needed to do things independently. Dan REALLY needed to accept that. The brown haired boy rolled his eyes at his actions and proceeded to do some premium shit posting for what felt like an eternity until he heard rattling downstairs that indicated Phil was returning. Dan didn’t move a muscle and tried very hard to show no excitement about the fact that his flatmate was back. The closer Phil’s footsteps got, the better he felt. Maybe it was weird, but he didn’t want to think about it too much. He just wanted Phil to come back so he could start breathing normally again.
When Phil entered the lounge, he looked winded and jittery. His awkward stance seemed even more awkward and he was chewing at his bottom lip while holding on to a paper bag for dear life.
Dan grunted, hoping that it came off as casual interest.
“Dan? Can we talk about something?”
Dan’s panic came back tenfold and he could feel his palms sweating as he placed his laptop on the coffee table. Why did Phil seem so serious and nervous? They were home.
“Sure, Phil. What’s up?”
“First off, I’m just going to be upfront. What I’m about to propose is weird and you 100% don’t have to do it. If you want, after I’m done speaking, you can act like this conversation never happened. Alright?”
Dan’s heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest from the anxiety. He didn’t know what was going on at all.
“You’ve seemed a bit off for a while now. I think I know why. I mean, life has been crazy for the both of us what with the book and the tour and everything. “
“Yeah. Things have been intense. I keep thinking that I’ll get a better handle on everything. I mean, we did BBC and I even did a documentary but it’s just been more overwhelming than I had thought it would be.”
Dan sighed heavily as if he had gathered it from the bottom of his soul. He was embarrassed but relieved to finally admit to Phil that he was having a hard time. It helped him feel like he wasn’t keeping a big secret. Phil smiled gently and began to open the paper bag. He pulled out a pacifier. It was baby blue with a little cartoon puppy in the middle. He also pulled out what appeared to be a dog collar. It was black and basic looking. Nothing to call home about.
Dan looked at the items and furrowed his brows.
“What are those for?”
“I know this sounds fucking crazy…but I kind of think that I could help you relax. I think we could help each other.”
“I’m not following”.
Phil felt himself blush. This might have been the worst thing he’s ever thought to do. It just seemed like it would be worth it.
“I was thinking we could turn the house into a kind of safe place. We know each other well and we trust each other. If you wanted, we could…role play…together.”
They both sat in silence for what felt like ages. Dan and Phil weren’t dating. Dan honestly didn’t even know if Phil dated at all. With the exception of some drunken rendezvous, they NEVER addressed anything romantic regarding one another. That was just for the shippers. It wasn’t anything real. Dan felt like he had heard something wrong, but the pacifier and collar were still in Phil’s pale hands.
“I’m sorry. This was a bad idea” Phil said, disheartened.
Phil looked at Dan who was studying the pacifier as if it was something he’d never seen before.
“What…what would we do?” Dan asked slowly.
“Whatever you wanted. I could wrap you in a blanket and give you the pacifier. You could watch your favorite movies and play video games. I could…I could feed you and bathe you.” Phil’s voice was little more than a whisper as if saying all of this too loudly would scare Dan away. When Dan started gazing at the collar, Phil cleared his throat and continued.
“If you wanted, I could put the collar on you and it could be more of a…pet…thing. I could pet you and you wouldn’t talk and I could teach you tricks and feed you treats out of my hand. Things like that.”
Dan was breathing shakily. It all sounded so nice, but it was so unexpected.
“Why…what made you want this?”
“I think we have a lot of responsibilities…and this could be an escape for us both.”
Dan looked into Phil’s breathtaking eyes and felt himself get light headed. He inhaled deeply, just now realizing that he was holding his breath.
“Th-that wouldn’t be weird for you? To do that? With me?”
Phil ducked his head down and smiled.
“No. I think I’d rather enjoy it. It doesn’t have to turn into anything sexual. I just want to be bonded to you.”
“What do you mean?” Dan asked while leaning in closer to Phil. The faint smell of his cologne made Dan feel warm and happy.
“I don’t know, Dan. Just…over the years, I’ve found myself wanting to be closer to you. I enjoy you. I just thought this could be something that we share. A little more intimate.”
Phil braved a glance, and was greeted with rosy cheeks and half lidded eyes. Dan looked as if he was under a trance, and Phil could feel his breath on his lips. Phil wanted to devour him. He wanted to kiss Dan breathless. He wanted to bite and lick at his pink lips and pale neck until he was littered with bruises. He wanted to place his hands around his throat and relish the noises of hearing an angel gasp for air. He wanted Dan so badly that he could barely stand it, but he didn’t want to push. He resisted the urge to kiss him and put the items back into the bag.
“Are you sure you wouldn’t mind? If…”
“Not at all.”
Dan closed his eyes and imagined it. He imagined Phil feeding him applesauce while he wore one of their comfortable onesies. He imagined sucking on the pacifier while Phil’s soft hands played with his hair. He shivered, and looked down at his lap.
“I want that, Phil. I want…you to take care of me.”
“I’ll take such good care of you. I promise.”
Phil put his hand on Dan’s cheek and rubbed lightly. Never in his wildest dreams did he think that Dan would say yes, but he was going to make sure that he gave Dan everything he needed.
Dan closed his eyes and leaned in to the touch. He brought both hands up to meet the one on his cheek. Then, he slowly turned his head and opened his mouth. Phil watched in shock as Dan took Phil’s thumb into his mouth and began to suck it. The older man froze, unsure of the appropriate action to take. Dan’s mouth was warm and he was sucking as if he were feeding from a bottle. His soft tongue was gently pressed to the pad of Phil’s thumb and he was letting out barely audible moans of gratification.
They stayed like this for a few precious moments until Dan let the thumb fall from his mouth. They stared into one another’s eyes without a word. There was too much to say. There was nothing to say.
“Soon, Dan. I’m going to make you feel better so soon. I promise”
Dan nodded his head in understanding and stood up to go to his room. He had been through too many emotions and all he knew he needed in that moment was to lie the fuck down.
Phil headed to his room as well, head spinning and half a hard on straining his black denim jeans. As soon as he closed his door, he unbuttoned and unzipped his pants. He flopped down on his bed and roughly pulled down his pants and briefs until his penis was freed. He wasted no time, placing his hand around his cock and fucking up into his own hand. He put his other hand around his mouth, trying not to make enough noise for Dan to hear. He wanted to appear as neutral as possible until Dan gave him permission. Even still, images of fucking Dan into his mattress flooded his mind and he was bucking so erratically into his own hand that he was grateful that his headboard was too sturdy to hit the wall. He knew he wasn’t going to last long and after a few harsh thrusts and a twist of his wrists around his swollen head, he was spilling all over his hand. He panted for a few moments and then awkwardly reached for a towel from his laundry hamper.
Little did he know, Dan was in the room across from him, doing the exact same thing while gently whispering…