dans placenta

The Placenta Fic

This is gonna be fucked up. 

So I recently found out you can eat placenta? 

Genre- Very fucked up smut. Proceed with caution. 

Word Count- 917

Dan was getting bored while Phil was at the grocery store. So, he pulled up Snapchat on his phone and started to read some of the stories from the discover tab. He was immediately drawn to one that listed surprisingly edible foods. It seemed entertaining to Dan, finally figuring out all the weird things people had randomly eaten, only to find out it was actually a good idea. He was, however, extremely surprised to find placenta on the list.

Dan had always had an odd obsession with the placenta. He never really knew why, but it was really interesting to him. Upon reading that it was edible, Dan knew he had to eat a placenta.

Dan immediately pulled out his laptop and opened an incognito tab before Googling Where to buy placenta. He clicked on links until he found a place he could really buy a fully intact human placenta. Dan ordered the placenta as he heard the door click and Phil walked in. He slammed his laptop shut as Phil shouted, “Hi, Dan! Can you help me with the groceries?” Dan jumped up and proceeded to help his boyfriend with the groceries, keeping his recent purchase to himself. 

Dan spent the next few days dwelling on the thought of eating a placenta. The whole thing seemed too simple. He needed a special topping to prepare it with before he ate it. And Dan had the perfect idea. 

After days of being on guard, the doorbell finally rang. “I’ll get it!” Dan jumped up and ran to the door, taking the package from the postman with a smile. He bounded to his room, tearing the box open. There was a glimmering red placenta, in all its glory. Dan could feel his erection growing as he thought about his plans for the organ. It was time to create his special topping.

Dan pulled off his pants and boxers, revealing his now throbbing boner. He began to jack off over the placenta as he heard his door click. In his excitement, he forgot to lock it. “Hey, Dan, who was at the do-” Phil cut off when he saw what was going on inside the room. “What the hell is this?”

“It’s umm…” Dan stuttered with embarrassment. “It’s a placenta.”

“Wow…” Phil started to grow an erection. “That’s really weird… But I’m still slightly offended that you didn’t let me in on this.”

Dan smirked. “You know I’d never turn down a good fuck.”

Phil stripped off his clothes and ordered an obedient Dan onto all fours on his bed. “How are we going to do this?”

Dan thought for a moment. “Just like normal, except we both come on the placenta?” 

“I don’t know what the hell you’re up to, but at this point, I really don’t care.” Phil pulled out the bottle of lube he knew was stored away in Dan’s beside drawer. He coated his fingers in the lube and inserted one into Dan’s presented ass. The younger boy moaned, anxious for the placenta. Phil got the message, and began to speed it up. He immediately added two more fingers as a soft moan escaped Dan. Phil started scissoring as Dan whined. 

“Please, Daddy…” Phil smiled.

“Please, Daddy, what?” 

“Please, Daddy, fuck me so hard I’ll drown that placenta in my own cum.”

“That’s more like it.” Phil penetrated Dan’s ready asshole and began thrusting. Dan moaned loudly as Phil’s thrusts got harder and harder. Phil started hitting Dan’s prostate, and he was about to burst. 

“Daddy, I’m-” 

Phil pulled out as soon as Dan spoke, and immediately cut him off. “Sit up. You can come in the box when I’m done.” Dan sat up to see Phil moaning as he came into the box holding the placenta. The idea of it all nearly pushed Dan over the edge. However, he had to wait his turn and come in the box. He needed to, for his plan. 

After what seemed like ages, Dan finally was allowed to come on the placenta. He watched as his juices mixed with Phil’s and the placenta’s, and the placenta was almost drowned. Dan let out a moan just at the sight of it. He was going to enjoy this.”

“Phil! Dinnertime!” Dan felt devious, but also extremely aroused. He spent the last hour cooking up the placenta and he and Phil were about to eat it. Of course, Phil didn’t know that. He’d never eat if he knew what it was. 

“What’s this?” 

Dan had to admit a literal human organ on a plate looked a bit suspicious, but he had a prepared explanation. “It’s liver. Try it. It’s really good.” Dan took a bite and moaned at the tangy taste of the lemon zest he added, and the squishy, meaty texture of the placenta. 

Phil raised an eyebrow, but he tried it anyway. He immediately gagged and nearly threw up all over his plate.“It tastes like blood mixed with cum!” 

Dan smiled psychotically. “It’s the placenta from last night.” At this, Phil did puke all over his slice of placenta. “Ooh, more toppings!” Dan slid Phil’s plate towards him and took a plate of the bile-coated placenta. Phil ran to the toilet and wretched once again. Dan finished off both plates of placenta. “Damn, that’s probably the best thing I’ve ever made.” Dan praised his cooking to himself, as Phil ran to his room and locked the door. Dan decided he’d return to his own room. He pulled out his laptop, getting out his credit card. Placenta doesn’t come cheap. 

@danielhowell‘s worst nightmare:

spicy llama placenta topped with Maltesers in the shape of an XD, served with a side of gender rolls, all of it made by Delia Smith. This concoction is called: Hello Internet. 

I’m actually sorry I don’t even know why I’ve done this I’m so random tonight

anonymous asked:

*dramatically turns on light while standing in the shower* "placenta"

dans gemini tendencies really show when dan said he wants to drop his old branding but will still choose the word placenta in any given situation where a random noun is required

One thousand notes

And I’ll make a video of me printing out a hundred pictures of Dan and Phil and throwing it at all the homophobics at school and scream “TASTE THE GAY!”

Update: so it did get a thousand notes wow I’m surprised but I swear I’ll do it unlike those people with a million notes that haven’t done it I go back to school in a week and half so it will be uploaded on my YouTube channel DontAskLanie in less than a month I hope no one sues me


Reasons to love Dan&Phil.

100 Reasons to love Dan Howell and Phil Lester:

1. They are cute as f

2. They’re insanely hot and attractive at the same time.

3. Phil’s eyes are like ice and dans are like fire.

4. They’re accents.

5. They’re British.

6. Dan’s dimples are the cutest things ever.

7. Danosaurs and philions

8. They’re Day in the life of Japan video.

9. The way Dan says “What the Fuck”

10. They embarrass themselves by wearing animal costumes(Dan)

11.The adorable way they look at each other.

12. Heart eyes Howell.

13. They spend their time,to do live shows and radio shows for us.

14. “Hello Internet”.Dans first video.

15. They spend endless hours recording, editing, and uploading videos for us.

16. How many videos they have made altogether.

17. They are hilarious.

18. They’re cheeky smiles.

19. How lazy they can be.

20. How often Dan pranks Phil and when Phil tries to prank Dan,he fails.

21. How much time they spend editing and recording things for us.

22. They’re fringes.

23. The way Dan wears his pants.

26. They are actually really different.

25. They’re love for anime.

26. They’re fan-fictions.

27. The way Phil repeats things.

28. ‘Hello Internet!’ by Dan.

29. Phil looks adorable in glasses.

30. The competition when they play video games.

31. Phil’s mum.

32. How neither of them mind that we ship them.

35. How happy they are when they are together.

34. They are pretty smart.

35. How cute they are when they’re together.

36. Black…(Dan)

37. They’re height.

38. Phil’s animal impressions.

39. Dan’s 'what am I doing with my life?’ saying.

40. The way Phil says “aah”

41. Phil’s baby videos.

42. Light!

43. Lions.

44. Llamas.

45. Dan and Phil playing just dance.

46. “Rawr!”

47. Heart hands.

48. How Phil says 'I hate you’ to Dan.

49. When Dan fell off the chair playing a horror game.

50. The way they stare at each other.

51. The way they talk about each other in their live shows.

52. They’re fashion sense.

53. They’re sense of humour.

54. Their constructing skills.

55. How good Dan is at playing piano.

56. How much they have accomplished.

57. They aren’t that bad at at baking.

58. Their friendship is worth so much.

59. How much time Dan spends on the internet compared to Phil.

60. The way Dan says “Gaahh”

61. Pinof.

62. Llama hat.

63. The way Dan forgets to tweet most of the time.

64. Dan’s laugh.

65. Phil’s laugh.

66. Dans Truth or dares.

67. The way they practically do everything together.

68. Dan is a really bad liar.

69. They procrastinate really bad.

70. DanAndPhilGames

71. They’re first time playing mine craft.

72. Dan’s eyes…

73. They’re tweets about each other from 2009-2010.

74. How much they need each other.

75. They’re younows.

76. Dans obsession for green tea.

77. Hand dance.

78. Phils stripy socks.

79. Their internet browsing positions.

80. Dan&Phil’s adorable selfies.

81. They secretly love each other,shhh.

82. Dans jeans.

83. Phil’s shirts.

84. innuendos.

85. The way Dan constantly talks about placenta.

86. Dan’s Would you rather.

87. Phil’s the reason Dan started Youtube.

88. Everything has to be symmetrical to Dan.

89. Dans morning routine.

90. The 'sexy internet dating’.

91. They’ve been living together for ages.

92. They’ve been best friends for 5 years.

93. Phil as a baby.

94. Vidcom

95. Phil’s toxic video.

96. AmazingDan.

97. Dil howlter..

98. They love us.

99. They’re come so far and accomplished their dream from the beginning.

100. Because they are Phan.