dans placenta

@danielhowell‘s worst nightmare:

spicy llama placenta topped with Maltesers in the shape of an XD, served with a side of gender rolls, all of it made by Delia Smith. This concoction is called: Hello Internet. 

I’m actually sorry I don’t even know why I’ve done this I’m so random tonight

The Placenta Fic

This is gonna be fucked up. 

So I recently found out you can eat placenta? 

Genre- Very fucked up smut. Proceed with caution. 

Word Count- 917

Dan was getting bored while Phil was at the grocery store. So, he pulled up Snapchat on his phone and started to read some of the stories from the discover tab. He was immediately drawn to one that listed surprisingly edible foods. It seemed entertaining to Dan, finally figuring out all the weird things people had randomly eaten, only to find out it was actually a good idea. He was, however, extremely surprised to find placenta on the list.

Dan had always had an odd obsession with the placenta. He never really knew why, but it was really interesting to him. Upon reading that it was edible, Dan knew he had to eat a placenta.

Dan immediately pulled out his laptop and opened an incognito tab before Googling Where to buy placenta. He clicked on links until he found a place he could really buy a fully intact human placenta. Dan ordered the placenta as he heard the door click and Phil walked in. He slammed his laptop shut as Phil shouted, “Hi, Dan! Can you help me with the groceries?” Dan jumped up and proceeded to help his boyfriend with the groceries, keeping his recent purchase to himself. 

Dan spent the next few days dwelling on the thought of eating a placenta. The whole thing seemed too simple. He needed a special topping to prepare it with before he ate it. And Dan had the perfect idea. 

After days of being on guard, the doorbell finally rang. “I’ll get it!” Dan jumped up and ran to the door, taking the package from the postman with a smile. He bounded to his room, tearing the box open. There was a glimmering red placenta, in all its glory. Dan could feel his erection growing as he thought about his plans for the organ. It was time to create his special topping.

Dan pulled off his pants and boxers, revealing his now throbbing boner. He began to jack off over the placenta as he heard his door click. In his excitement, he forgot to lock it. “Hey, Dan, who was at the do-” Phil cut off when he saw what was going on inside the room. “What the hell is this?”

“It’s umm…” Dan stuttered with embarrassment. “It’s a placenta.”

“Wow…” Phil started to grow an erection. “That’s really weird… But I’m still slightly offended that you didn’t let me in on this.”

Dan smirked. “You know I’d never turn down a good fuck.”

Phil stripped off his clothes and ordered an obedient Dan onto all fours on his bed. “How are we going to do this?”

Dan thought for a moment. “Just like normal, except we both come on the placenta?” 

“I don’t know what the hell you’re up to, but at this point, I really don’t care.” Phil pulled out the bottle of lube he knew was stored away in Dan’s beside drawer. He coated his fingers in the lube and inserted one into Dan’s presented ass. The younger boy moaned, anxious for the placenta. Phil got the message, and began to speed it up. He immediately added two more fingers as a soft moan escaped Dan. Phil started scissoring as Dan whined. 

“Please, Daddy…” Phil smiled.

“Please, Daddy, what?” 

“Please, Daddy, fuck me so hard I’ll drown that placenta in my own cum.”

“That’s more like it.” Phil penetrated Dan’s ready asshole and began thrusting. Dan moaned loudly as Phil’s thrusts got harder and harder. Phil started hitting Dan’s prostate, and he was about to burst. 

“Daddy, I’m-” 

Phil pulled out as soon as Dan spoke, and immediately cut him off. “Sit up. You can come in the box when I’m done.” Dan sat up to see Phil moaning as he came into the box holding the placenta. The idea of it all nearly pushed Dan over the edge. However, he had to wait his turn and come in the box. He needed to, for his plan. 

After what seemed like ages, Dan finally was allowed to come on the placenta. He watched as his juices mixed with Phil’s and the placenta’s, and the placenta was almost drowned. Dan let out a moan just at the sight of it. He was going to enjoy this.”

“Phil! Dinnertime!” Dan felt devious, but also extremely aroused. He spent the last hour cooking up the placenta and he and Phil were about to eat it. Of course, Phil didn’t know that. He’d never eat if he knew what it was. 

“What’s this?” 

Dan had to admit a literal human organ on a plate looked a bit suspicious, but he had a prepared explanation. “It’s liver. Try it. It’s really good.” Dan took a bite and moaned at the tangy taste of the lemon zest he added, and the squishy, meaty texture of the placenta. 

Phil raised an eyebrow, but he tried it anyway. He immediately gagged and nearly threw up all over his plate.“It tastes like blood mixed with cum!” 

Dan smiled psychotically. “It’s the placenta from last night.” At this, Phil did puke all over his slice of placenta. “Ooh, more toppings!” Dan slid Phil’s plate towards him and took a plate of the bile-coated placenta. Phil ran to the toilet and wretched once again. Dan finished off both plates of placenta. “Damn, that’s probably the best thing I’ve ever made.” Dan praised his cooking to himself, as Phil ran to his room and locked the door. Dan decided he’d return to his own room. He pulled out his laptop, getting out his credit card. Placenta doesn’t come cheap. 

i love it when people don’t tell me something or do something bc I'm “too innocent”

yes i am too innocent. so fucking innocent. you have no idea I’m so innocent. but hey lets talk about something like idk the hat fic. oh u never heard of it? well it’s this one short story about two men and one of them buys a hamster so the other one kills it and fucks the first one USING THE FUCKING ANIMAL CARCASS and then eats the dead hamster body. how about the chair fic? well in that one one of the guys has a chair that makes all his desires come true and his roommate becomes submissive and must do whatever the first one says  AND THE FIRST ONE PUTS A SNAKE IN THE OTEHR’S ASS. or maybe the cherry fic? milk fic? kittens and steamrollers? the placenta fic? the skin fic? yes. as you can tell, i am too fucking innocent. so, so, so, so, so innocent

anonymous asked:

*dramatically turns on light while standing in the shower* "placenta"

dans gemini tendencies really show when dan said he wants to drop his old branding but will still choose the word placenta in any given situation where a random noun is required

anonymous asked:

hi! new to the phandom and i didnt know who to ask but why does dan talk about a placenta thing? has it been a running gag or something? i literally have no idea of what hes talking about in his rebranding video! thank you love your tumblr have a great day x

basically he used to make jokes about placentas for no reason back in the day because he’s a twat

One thousand notes

And I’ll make a video of me printing out a hundred pictures of Dan and Phil and throwing it at all the homophobics at school and scream “TASTE THE GAY!”

Update: so it did get a thousand notes wow I’m surprised but I swear I’ll do it unlike those people with a million notes that haven’t done it I go back to school in a week and half so it will be uploaded on my YouTube channel DontAskLanie in less than a month I hope no one sues me