So in celebration of the Olympics being upon us (squee!) I thought it might be time for one of these. The following works are all complete, because I’m a delicate flower who can’t handle WIPs, and most of them are long because I believe in more of a good thing. Buckle your seat belts, kids.
I’ll start with a primer, because even if you’re sold on the fandom it’s still always fun to commiserate to the depths that we have fallen, and no one does that quite like thefourthvine In her Fandoms I Have Loved post [warning for a NSFW icon, in case any of you are reading this in front of children].
See those tantalizing brackets there? that’s where I was going to put in a quote from her FIHL post, but every word is solid gold and I couldn’t bear to cut it, so. Click on the link, read the whole thing for a 100% factual and accurate representation of hockey the sport and hockey players, and links to a bunch of fun and important resources.
And then read this.
Moving on to the …
BEST OF THE FANDOM
There is one writer who is, hands-down, my favourite in the fandom, and that is impertinence. Read all her stuff, then read it again. I particularly recommend
What Comes Easy - A stirring tale of Kaner being a hyperactive little shit who drives everyone crazy (but in, like, an affectionate way) at the summer camp he and Johnny have been going to since time immemorial. I love this in part for the world-building of Camp Quaquanantuck (which is why you should read Summerboys by stlkrchck as well), in other part for the characterization, especially of Kaner, and in all parts because it’s awesome, guys.
Human Empanada - Kaner is the useless prince of America who gets married off to Johnny because he smooths out his rough edges or something. Ssssh, just go with it.
No One Thinks About Eternity - This is a story about Amanda Kessel in the NHL and it’s everything I would have thought to ask for in such a fic and more.
Note that I am being considerate and listing only my top 3, instead of the top 10 I was planning originally even though it was a painful process of elimination. If you want recommendations of which of her stuff to read next, call me beep me.
Continuing on! If, due to eldrich forces beyond your control, you were only a allowed to read five hockey fics again in your life (perish the thought), it should be these.
Pond Ice and the In Between (and sequel All the Ways that Matter) by luxover. Sid/Geno (but the sequel is about Claude Giroux and Danny Briere). I think the description the author gives is “the coffeeshop AU that is somehow still all about hockey” although I propose an alternative description could be “hockey players are a huge fucking embarrassment even when they’re not actually hockey players”. Love it.
A Month of Sundays by Kelfin. This fic features an unusual pairing - Erik Johnson/Gabriel Landeskog - but it’s a PERFECT story about Erik falling in love and losing his religion. It hurt, in a lot of ways I think because of how familiar the inside of Erik’s head was to me, but in a good way.
Tour de Force by thehoyden. This fic has the most hits on AO3 in the hockey archive, and with reason. The plot is that Kaner is secretly a genius novelist. Don’t ask questions, just click the link.
there is a lake in me by hauntologie. Geno gets genderswapped. (And then he gets the D.)
a light-handed approach to regulation by hazel. This is an alpha/omega fic, which is probably my least favourite trope after werewolves (sorry), so the fact that this is on the list at all, never mind how high up it is, should tell you all you need to know.
Alright, now that we all know what we’re getting in to I think it might be time for me to break this up
ACCORDING TO PAIRING
I think I’ll start with the rare pairings first, partially because I think there’s a lot of gems that go undiscovered but mostly because it would be mean of me to hold out on a PK Subban/Carey Price/Jeff Skinner threesome. Yeah, you read that right.
PK Subban/Carey Price
It’s Complicated by Katarin, with the aforementioned threesome. I have a bit of a story to tell about this fic, actually. See, I started reading it in Chicago O’Hare airport (don’t judge), had to put it on hold to cross an ocean (laaaame), and resumed reading again in Frankfurt - but only after having made the realization that I had failed to bring an adapter with me to Germany, which meant I had to read what I could on my computer’s limited battery life, and then spend more than a week in AGONY before I could find out how it ended. DON’T DO THIS TO YOURSELF. Clear up a nice large swathe of free time and then sit down to enjoy 40,000+ words of delicious, porny cluelessness.
Claude Giroux/Danny Briere
This pairing is my go-to place for happy domestic fic (because, if you weren’t aware, they were essentially married with kids in real life).
Friday Night Arrives Without a Suitcase by marycontraire features them being married in Germany.
As previously mentioned, All the Ways that Matter is a gr9 fic, although they are not married in anywhere as interesting as Germany in it.
In A Good Education by rsadelle their marriage is made extra hilarious by how obvious it is to everyone but them. In which Danny retires, goes back to school, and completely fails at not mother-henning his new college friends. While also completely failing at not being married to Claude Giroux.
Eric Staal/Jeff Skinner
Enough to Crush Your Veins by doctor_denmark. Jeff gets injured and can’t play anymore (which I’ve noticed is a theme in this pairing - why is that?) so what he does instead is nanny Eric’s kid. Naturally.
If Heaven’s Hypothetical by impertinence & shoemaster. As it says on the box, “Jeff runs away from Toronto and finds himself homeless in Raleigh, where he accidentally starts serving eggs to Eric Staal.” As one does.
Duncan Keith/Brent Seabrook
Extra Curriculars by riadsala & shoemaster. THE ONLY HIGH SCHOOL AU YOU WILL EVER NEED IN YOUR LIFE. ACCEPT NO ALTERNATIVES.
Summerboys by stlkrchck. This is the Duncs/Seabs side of the story that takes place at Camp Quaquanantuck, and so unsurprisingly it is delightful from start to finish.
Brandon Bollig/Andrew Shaw
Anger Management by joatamon. I like a good D/s fic, and this … this is a good D/s fic.
Ryan Kesler/Andrew Ladd
#BOOM! by 26miledrive. Obligatory woke-up-soulbonded-in-Vegas fic, made extra fun by the fact that the protagonists hate each other.
Nothing Worth Knowing by beatperfume & shoemaster. The sequel to THAT DELIGHTFUL HIGH SCHOOL AU YOU SHOULD ALL READ, but focusing on Kesler this time, and in college.
Jeff Carter/Mike Richards
Ballad of a Broken Bromance by impertinence. 1) don’t even pretend that’s not the best title you’ve ever read, 2) 50K words of bro-ish pining? Please.
Taylor Eberle/Taylor Hall
Baby, Let’s Play House by doctor_denmark. This joins the long list of baby!fic in hockey fandom. Hallsy and Ebs get a baby? But they don’t know which one of them is the father? Because they were kinda having a threesome? CUE DRAMA.
Ryan Whitney/Taylor Hall
It’s Just a Thing by softrockstars. Ryan makes a bet with Max Talbot over who can bang the most first-pick drafts. That goes about as well as expected.
Bobby Ryan/Ryan Getzlaf
Warm Us From Within by Katarin. Stepbrothers AU. Don’t judge.
So here we are, finally arrived at the fandom’s major pairings. I’m excited, guys, there’s SO MUCH good stuff.
Jonathan Toews/Patrick Kane
53 blowjobs: a love story by zarathuse. I think this fic got a lot of people interested in hockey fandom to begin with, and with reason, i.e. it is utterly charming and hilarious. Johnny and Patrick get really competitive over who can give better head.
don’t taze me, bro and sequel meet me on the fresh train by staraflur. The hugely, hugely necessary fratboy!AU. It’s AMAZING guys, Patrick Kane plans the best parties. I started this one and almost gave it a pass, but damn am I glad I didn’t.
do it like they do on the discovery channel by hazel. In which Patrick and Johnny fail at casual sex but more importantly, guys, ponder the magnificence of this following quote:
The next day, he goes over to Johnny’s so they can yell at each other about whether Johnny’s fucking Discovery Channel addiction is or is not a travesty, a tragedy, and a shame. Patrick’s pretty sure he’s going to end up slumped on the couch, drinking beer and watching a show about a dude catching a fish, while Johnny drones on about the magnificence of nature; but it’s not like he was going to do anything better at home. Except—okay, yeah, watch anything else ever on TV.
The sass is so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes.
Behind this Wall of Metaphors by cherryvanilla & impertinence. Ok, so this story has a really unusual pairing - um, buddyfucking KStew/Johnny? But don’t be put off! It’s really really really good! How do I convince you to give it a shot? *sweats nervously* Um, I’ll give you a cookie? And a lifetime of not feeling regret for not having read this masterpiece of bro boning and pining? Do eeeeeeeeet.
Dude, Where’s the Stanley Cup?! by svmadelyn. *wheeeeeeeeze*
If I Took You Home (It’d Be a Homerun) by svmadelyn. This story is crack. The crackiest. Nothing will ever surpass it in crackiness, and that is because …. it is written on the premise that Kaner has a huge dick.
We Should Get Jerseys (‘Cause We Make a Good Team) by svmadelyn. In this one Patrick Sharp, gratifyingly, suffers just as much as we do.
Sunday Edition by twentysomething. Another Patrick-Sharp-just-wants-the-best-for-his-teammates-in-the-most-hilarious/obnoxious-way-ever fic.
i’ll keep an eye on you if you keep one on me by marycontraire. Johnny grounds Kaner - literally grounds. As in, don’t go out an party, you’re staying home. With me. So I can boss you around some more.
Shut Up, Honey by aohatsu. Rule 63! Which is only one of my favourite tropes ever.
forever i’ll try for you and i by staraflur. More rule 63!fic
Marry Me a Little by bessyboo & thisissirius. Johnny marries Patrick to keep him from being traded after the Madison Debacle.
tied if we stay by staraflur. fake dating! Who doesn’t like fake dating?
Legal Now by gigantic. Obligatory drunk-married-in-Vegas fic (actually I’m not 100% sure they’re in Vegas, but. handwaves.).
so show me family by duchessofavalon. Baby!fic. Kaner’s daughter is named Isabella, tell me that’s not perfect.
Your Daddy’s Aim is True by thefourthvine. More Baby!fic! This one’s name is Stanley. Even better.
safe to shore by empathapathique. This one’s kinda ouchy because it’s a getting-back-together story. AU in which Johnny’s a lawyer and Kaner’s … well, you’ll see.
Words They’ll Write On My Tombstone by four_freedoms. As it says on the tin, “In which Patrick Kane gets a little hysterically obsessed with Jonathan Toews’ sexual prowess.” Well wouldn’t you?
Don’t You Rock My Boat by impertinence. Johnny and Patrick are soulbonded and it’s hilarious (to me, obviously, not to them. They’re a wee bit busy being disconcerted by like, weird urges to eat salad).
Drawing Lines in the Palm of Your Hand by sharksdontsleep. Given how a lot of the hype around Kaner is about his skill at hockey despite his body type, it makes sense that there would be a genderqueer AU, right? My kingdom for dozens of them and also for more rule 63!Kaner, but I guess if I can find only one I’m glad it’s this one.
Hanging On a Moment of Truth by impertinence. Magic chewing gum made them do it.
caring is creepy by liketheroad. AKA the tale of truth-whammied Tazer.
Password Protected by lightgetsin. A really interesting spin on the usual D/s dynamic.
Kaner the Secret Virgin by impertinence. Literally if you have read the title then you 100% know what this is about.
Somewhere Only We Know by jezziejay. In which Tazer completely fails at mature relationships because they entail the risk of having to discuss his *feelings*. Or like, admitting he has any.
Switch by montrose. This is kind of similar to a light-handed approach to regulation in that it’s an AU with alpha and omega - or top and sub - dynamics. But Johnny doesn’t feel that he’s just one or the other.
everybody wants to get down like that by zarathuse. Johnny has never sat on Patrick’s lap, but he HAS sat on TJ Oshie’s. Clearly this is a travesty that needs to be remedied.
yet we will make him run by vlieger. Kaner the English lit major AU.
i should say and you should hear by staraflur. I’m copy & pasting the AO3 summary cuz it’s perf: “So yeah, it takes a few days, but eventually Jonny gets to deliver the gospel of winning a faceoff by interfering directly with your opponent’s stick. (Heh.)”
Sidney Crosby/Evgeni Malkin
Highway Unicorn by pentapus & thefourthvine. “He saw the horn poking out from the pony’s head, golden and straight and somehow delicate-looking despite the empty tuna can hanging off of it. The unicorn horn.” Sidney’s life is super hard, guys.
Fastening One Heart to Every Falling Thing by thefourthvine. Empath!AU. Everyone in this ‘verse has some empathetic ability, but none so much as Sidney, and none so little as Geno.
Welcome Home by oflights. Sidney is the time traveller’s wife. This joins the list of only two time travel fics I’ve read and actually enjoyed.
Brand New Colony by oflights. Obligatory drunk-married-in-Vegas fic!
Morning to Wake You by oflights, AKA, as per the author, The Sexual Misadventures of Sidney Crosby.
This Cold Harbour Now Home by hapakitsune. One of my favourite baby!fics ever.
The State of Marriage by iBear. This fic deals seriously with the issue of homophobia in Russia. Props.
My Siberia: A Russian Knitting Circle Story by impertinence. I just re-read this yesterday because Russian meddling is and will forever remain delightful. Geno is super hung up on Sidney, which is why he super should not be having casual sex with him.
Never Hard to Find by missmollyetc. Similarly, this is a fic “Wherein Sidney Crosby gets laid, and Russian diplomacy saves the day.” Featuring a severely misunderstood ficus.
Flip Shut, Hang Up by thehoyden & twentysomething. “By the fourth time Crosby has hung up on him, Alex has to admit that this has gone from funny to, frankly, a little hurtful.” I love Ovie SO MUCH.
King and Lionheart, by thehoyden. I also reread this yesterday - yesterday was a good day - and King and Lionheart is the marriage of convenience fic that’s been missing your whole life and you didn’t even know it..