danny in a tree

One time I dreamt that I was hunting werewolves in the California redwoods when suddenly Danny DeVito does a 16 foot horizontal leap out from behind a tree and looks me in the eye and says “I’m gonna piss on your cat”
I promptly woke up to go look for my cat at 2am

NavySEAL’s and Christmas trees

Danny: “What is this? Do I look like Charly Brown? This is a depressing twig that fell of the expensive tree!(to tree seller)

Steve: “Let it go Danny. I got a better idea. Save your money. I got you covered.”

Danny: “Whoa, wait! I changed my mind. You can’t do it.”

Steve: “It’s Christmas Danny. You and Gracie need a tree. You want a tree?”

Danny: “I do. I did, but not like this…well because this is a protected forest preserve, right? Because removing trees is strictly prohibited!”

Steve: “What do you see Danny? Lots and lots of trees. They are not gonna miss one. You know what I mean?”

Danny: “Wait! Whoa! Wait!” (too late…)

Danny: “I cannot believe you made me an accomplice to a crime.”

Steve: “A victimless crime.”

Danny: “The evidence to which is strapped to the roof of my car right now!”

Steve: “Danny, no one’s gonna know where this tree came from, all right?”

Danny: “You tainted Christmas. You know what you are?”

Steve: “Annoyed of this conservation.”

Danny: “You are a ruiner of Christmas. You are Scrooge.”

Steve: “Bah, hambug.”

Danny: “uh-huh. All right. Mm-hm. Okay.”

(Translation:Bah, hambug = I love you / uh-huh.All right. Mm-hm.Okay = I love you too.)

(Discussion is incomplete, taken from the dialogue from the show)

okay but Danielle is probably missing such weird chunks of knowledge like Vlad taught her how to speak and read and probably write and he taught her enough social skills to be useful to his plans but there would be so many things she hasn’t learned and she soaks up random shit like a sponge so

she could tell you everything there is to know about ants because she watched this David Attenborough special last night and did you know some ants can jump like there’s this species from Tasmania- but if you ask her what clouds are made of she’ll be like, I dunno, marshmallows?

and she could tell you every detail about her ghost core and what elements are found in ectoplasm but if you ask her to name any human organs she’ll basically stop at ‘brain, heart and stomach’ like what’s a liver?

and the first time she gets her period she has no idea what’s happening and it’s like that scene from Carrie, she thinks she’s dying, she’s on Valerie’s bathroom floor crying her eyes out begging her to call Danny because she thinks her human form is destabilising and doesn’t know what to do or how to fix it

and she has no concept of matching colours or what foods go with what so she’ll eat cereal with orange juice because they’re out of milk and I mean it’s the only other liquid in the fridge and it’s tastier than water, and she’ll wear the most garish mismatching clothes and not understand why people are giving her strange looks

she also uses a lot of words she doesn’t understand and pronounces things wrong a lot because she’s only read them in books and never heard it out loud, but the girl can pick up a new language like a pro, she can speak Cantonese and Swahili as well as she can speak english and nobody really knows where she learnt them and she can ask for the bathroom in like twelve other languages, she just picks shit up from her travels

she thinks the moon is the size of a coin and asks why nobody has ever just, plucked it out of the sky and Danny is just, HORRIFIED and six hours later Danielle knows everything Danny knows about space and she still doesn’t understand where trees come from

and she has the most impeccable manners but punctuates sentences with really bizarre swear words and phrases because she knows those words have power and makes people gasp but she’s not sure how to use them because nobody will tell her so if she wants to make a point she’ll lob a random swear at the end of a perfectly articulated sentence and think that’s just how it’s done

I just love the idea of this tiny chipper outlandishly dressed girl travelling the globe and talking to strangers on the street in whatever country she’s landed in this time, slipping in and out of three different languages, eating a hot dog with chocolate sauce drizzled on it and chatting in precise detail about how bees make honey and then asking where rain comes from like

she’s such a contradiction I love it