daniel bos

Comedians in a nutshell

Jim Gaffigan: I love food so much none of you even understand

Jeff Dunham: I’m a normal guy with a fun life and a nice family haha :-)
Jeff Dunham: now let me bring out my first puppet
Puppet: HAIL SATAN MAKE 9/11 HAPPEN AGAIN HAHAHAHAHAHA

Bo Burnham: guys seriously I’m not gay
Bo Burnham: someone has to insert their penis in my asshole right now

Kevin Hart: GUYS DID YOU KNOW I’M SHORT AND BLACK DIDYA DIDYA DIDYA

Chris Rock: I’M GONNA REPEAT THIS SETENCE FIVE TO TEN TIMES BEFORE I MAKE MY JOKE
Chris Rock: I’M GONNA REPEAT THIS SETENCE FIVE TO TEN TIMES BEFORE I MAKE MY JOKE
Chris Rock: I’M GONNA REPEAT THIS SETENCE FIVE TO TEN TIMES BEFORE I MAKE MY JOKE
Chris Rock: I’M GONNA REPEAT THIS SETENCE FIVE TO TEN TIMES BEFORE I MAKE MY JOKE
Chris Rock: I’M GONNA REPEAT THIS SETENCE FIVE TO TEN TIMES BEFORE I MAKE MY JOKE

Daniel Tosh: if I don’t personally offend at least 1000 people tonight my life will be over

Louis C.K: have you ever woken up with your mouth in your own asshole I have

Bill Burr: WAKE THE FUCK UP AMERICA IF I SPEAK LOUDER WILL THAT MAKE ME FUNNIER

Gabriel Iglesias: I’m so Spanish lol
Gabriel Iglesias: why does everyone call me Spanish???????
Gabriel Iglesias: *makes impersonation of a Spanish guy
Gabriel Iglesias: food
Gabriel Iglesias: I’m fluffy

Dane Cook: GUYS CHECK OUT THIS NEW INFORMATION I JUST RECEIVED
so appARENTLY cows have these things like UTTERS and they’re pink and they have like FIVE penises and I just find it SO FASCINATING :ooooOOOOoooooo

Lewis Black: So politics are really stupid but I’m gonna talk about them
Lewis Black: so yeah democrats are retarded and SO ARE THE REPUBLICANS EVERY SINGLE FUCKING POLITICIAN IS FUCKING RETARDED AND ANDKSHALDNSLJSOEJSPSLSJDJSLSJKSDBKS *explodes*

George Carlin: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH AMERICA GOD ISN’T REAL YOU STUPID RETARDED WASTE OF HUMAN LIVES DIE DIE DIE EVERYONE DIE

Creepypasta #1087: It Doesn't Matter How Many Times I Tell My Babysitting Story, Because No One Believes Me

Length: Long

Listen, I’ve told the cops my story three times now. You can keep asking but I’ll keep saying the same thing. I know what I saw. I’m not crazy.

They were advertising for a babysitter on Craigslist. The post read “WANTED – BABYSITTER. ONE NIGHT ONLY. PARENTS NEED A DATE NIGHT DESPERATELY! $50. MUST LIKE GAMES.”

Well, I needed cash and I like kids. I like games too. I figured it would be easy money for just one night, so I responded. Back and forth, the typical shit - “We’re so happy you answered”, “When do you want me to come over?”, “Here’s our address”. All that stuff was pretty straightforward. Nothing really jumped out at me.

I should’ve realized they never mentioned who I’d be babysitting, right?

So I pull up to the house and it’s a real shithole. One of those that’s in an okay neighborhood and probably looked fine a long time ago but it got really gross and now their neighbors are pissed because in between their all-right houses is a total dump but no one says anything about it. And they had real weird decorations, too – next to the mailbox were these little bird-things with stone eggs for bodies and old metal limbs sticking out. Pointy rusted beak heads bobbing on weak springs. Real weird.

I knocked on the door because they didn’t have a doorbell. Right away, it opened, like someone was waiting for me.

First off, the guy was old. Like way, way older than I’d expected. I mean, the ad read like a couple with a baby who hadn’t been out in forever and this guy couldn’t have been a day under 70. Kind of stooped over, bald, skin sort of hanging off his face like it does with some old guys. His nose was all red, burst capillaries, most likely from too many years in the bottle.

“You’re here,” he said, excited, waving me in with a gnarled, liver-spotted hand. “Come in, come in!”

Keep reading

4

All the King’s men.

Various male models by various artists. From trashyprinces.

  • Rob Moore
  • Justin Barnhill
  • Robbie Wadge
  • Alex Annand
  • Robbie Beeser
  • Bo Develius
  • Federico Cola
  • George Threadingham
  • Benjamin Jarvis
  • Jon Dartnell
  • Joe Collier
  • Daniel Hamaj
  • Andre Ziehe
  • Roland Lepp
  • Antoine Des Beauvais
  • River Viiperi
  • Francisco Lachowski
  • Paolo Gallardo
  • David Fair
  • Ethan Plewes
Dziwolągi takie jak na przykład ja. Bo ja też do nich należę. Do tych wszystkich zwariowanych dziwaków. Chodziło mi o to, że inność nie jest zła, że jeśli chcemy coś osiągnąć, od tej pory powinniśmy być inni. To jedna z najważniejszych rzeczy, jakich tu się nauczyłam. Inność jest dobra.
—  Danielle Steel “Duża dziewczynka”

People use to be afraid of 30 year old men stalking them on the Internet. Well the tables have turned.