I feel like I’m going to be sick, my heart beats loud in my chest and I am hit with the simple realisation of how pathetic I really am. I did deserve to be cheated on. I need to leave. I can’t even open my eyes to look at her.
Her arms wrap around me tightly and her lips press to my forehead softly. My entire resolve shatters and I can’t hold back any more tears; she wraps her arms more tightly around me. I can’t even pretend not to love her, she broke my heart into pieces but I can’t help it. I finally feel like I can breathe properly with her fingers gently running through my hair.
“Babe. It’s gonna be okay. Let’s clean you up yeah?” Santana says gently, her lips brushing softly against my forehead.
I nod into her shoulder and let her lead me into the bathroom. She slowly pulls my stained shirt off of me and discards it onto the bathroom floor. Her eyes linger for more than a moment too long on the sliced skin on my legs. She doesn’t look disgusted, she looks sad. I don’t know which is worse.
“Dani, no talking. You’re going to let me take care of you tonight and I can explain everything and if you still don’t want to be with me then I’ll leave.”
Her fingers wrap tenderly around my wrist as she pulls it towards the sink, the lukewarm water she runs caresses the dried scarlet stains, pulling them away into tainted water drips. She runs her fingers over my arm as softly as she can, removing the remnants of my latest moment of complete weakness. My breathing hitches as she presses slightly too hard.
“Sorry, I’m really trying to be gentle. I don’t really know what I’m doing.” I feel so bad, she shouldn’t have to put up with me like this.
I nod softly burying my face into the warmth of her neck. Santana pulls a towel from the rail and dabs gently, drying without reopening my cuts.
Words aren’t needed as she takes me back into my room and pulls clothes out of my drawer. I’m shocked. Short sleeves, really? Because the blatant patterns along my arms haven’t been displayed enough? I pull it on, too worn down to mention it. My heart hurts too much to argue more.
Her dark hair falls into her eyes and for the first time I notice how tired she looks. She looks broken, dark circles on her tan skin. She moves backwards onto my bed, sweeping her hair back. Her long arms reach out for me and despite myself, my instinct to protect my heart from those that hurt me, I curl up into her lap. Her lips are next to my ear so she only has to mutter gently.
“So you think I cheated on you?”
I nod, feeling small and pathetic. “I-I. Your phone was going off and the light woke me up. I went to turn it off and you had a text saying she loves you.” No need to explain who “she” is. Santana’s eyes tell me she knows instantly.
“Brittany is my ex.” Fuck, I thought I’d heard the name before.
“But she was also my best friend for as long as I can remember, I love her but not in the way that I love you. I will always love Brittany but like a sister. I would never cheat on you. Ever. Who would need anyone else? I would have to be absolutely insane to do that. When I said I love you I meant it. These last two weeks have been hell Dani. I thought you’d had enough of me, I thought that I had fucked up and I guess I did by not explaining everything about my last relationship. If I had had any idea that things were this bad for you I wouldn’t have left your building until you let me in. I can’t bear seeing you like this and knowing that I might have contributed to you hurting yourself…it makes me sick.” Tears prick into the corner of my eyes and I turn my head into her shoulder. “You deserve the world babe, and if it was possible for me to give it to you then I would. But I can promise not to judge you, to love you no matter what. Please, I’m begging you to understand that I would never have cheated on you and I know you might not trust me right now but I’ll work hard to get that back. I’m so sorry.”
I push my lips against her collarbone gently and she elicits a soft sigh. I love her. I can’t help it.
“I’m tired Santana.” I pull my head away from under hers and look up at her. There are no other words right now, I can’t bring myself to explain everything now. But I am tired, I’m so tired of myself, tired of hating myself, tired of hurting for so long. Santana nods gently and starts to move but I don’t move to allow her to get up.
“Stay with me tonight. I don’t want to be alone any more.”
She is gorgeous, funny and sweet and I will make her mine. I’ve been thinking this since she walked me home. The moment our lips met I thought my heart would explode. I don’t know how I’ve been keeping up the illusion of confidence around her, she makes me so nervous. I check my appearance for a final time before leaving my apartment for hers.
Her hair shines in the light, her dark eyes twinkle and make my heart race. When she smiles I just want her. She’s not like other girls, I feel like all of her attention is on me all night. As nervous as it makes me it reminds me that this is a girl that is actually interested in me. She is adorable and just makes my heart melt. She makes me feel like I belong in New York. I didn’t think I could feel this comfortable around someone so quickly.
It was such a fun night; we drank champagne, laughed and messed around. There were these small moments throughout where it was like we were alone. Kurt and Rachel seemed to disappear and all I could see was her. I wished we could have been alone. But we have more time for that I guess. I take a step out of her building and brace myself against the cold New York night. I love it here, the constant moving around and the noise. Even in the middle of the night it’s so loud that I don’t even hear her footsteps behind me.
I stop and turn around. She runs her hands along her bare arms warming herself in the midst of the cold night. Her hair moves beautifully in the soft breeze.
“Hey, what you doing out here San? You’re gonna freeze babe.”
Well fuck. The word babe came out before I thought about it. Shit. She smiles and steps towards me.
“It’s just that I wanted to say goodbye properly I guess…”
God she’s adorable when she’s nervous. I step towards her and run my hands along her cold arms. I’m so close to her I can smell her perfume.
“We just said goodbye…” I tease.
“Yeah but maybe I wanted to ki-“
I lean up to her and press my lips to hers, stopping her mid sentance. They’re soft and warm. I lean into her more and I feel her heart speeding up. Our lips part and I slide my arms around her neck and press my lips against hers again. She tentatively puts her hands on my hips and pulls me closer, kissing me back. The lights and noise of a busy New York night melts away. Even the cold doesn’t matter anymore, all I feel is Santana. Electricity pulses through me even as I pull away. She looks at me, her eyes dark and beautiful.
“You really are a Sapphic goddess aren’t you?”
I smile and reply by brushing my lips against hers once more and whispering,
“I guess you’ll have to wait and see, won’t you?”
I turn and start walking home, leaving her grinning on the pavement.
Half way back I feel my phone buzz in my pocket and pull it half way out, glancing down at the screen.
I’ll only wait if you say you’ll be my Sapphic goddess? ;) xx
I tap in my password and reply quickly.
Deal ;) xx
I can’t stop smiling for the rest of the walk home.
The light streams through the thin curtains in my apartment, burning into my eyes as I open them. I search around for my alarm before realising the noise is coming from my door. I slide out of bed and move to the door quickly, opening it.
She’s stood there with that god damn smile. Holding flowers. This girl will explode my heart.
“No Santana, oh my god no no no!” I yell out. She laughs.
“Stop it…” I whine.
“Baby it’s just a game!” She giggles, pausing the game and smiling at me. Damn. It’s been a few months and that smile makes my heart race still.
“Yeah but it’s a game that you’re winning after never playing it before” I pout. Her controller is thrown to the floor as she reaches over and pulls me to her, she leans down and kisses me softly.
“Don’t pout Dan” she mutters, kissing my collarbone softly.
“I’ll pout more if you do this” I laugh, nuzzling into her neck gently.
“That’s so mean though!”
“Because…because I love you and I don’t want to see you looking sad” she freezes as soon as she finishes the sentence. “Um…”
I pull her head up and kiss her “I love you too San”
Her grin widens and she kisses me back. I reach out and grab my controller.
“As you love me so much maybe you should let me win”
“No way babe” she laughs and picks hers up from the floor.
The buzzing wakes me up, Santana’s phone is on the bedside table, lighting up the dark room. She’s lying across me still fast asleep, I gently push her away and press the power button on her phone. As I switch it off the text flashes before my eyes. My mind races as I try to recall who the fuck Brittany is and why she’s telling my girlfriend she loves her. I can’t breathe.
“Stay with me tonight. I don’t want to be alone any more.”
I wake up and her arms are wrapped tightly around me still, instinctively I pull away. Terror fades quickly as my memory reinstates and I remember that it’s Santana. Jesus what is wrong with me? My heart is still beating quickly as her voice startles me further.
“Dani? Are you okay?” I turn and look at her. She hasn’t slept, obviously. It makes me feel worse. I didn’t even think that was possible.
“Yeah. I just was startled.”
“Baby it’s 3am, go back to sleep.”
I curl back into her body, my heart slowing as I feel her arms around me again and this time it makes me feel safe. Her head rests against the top of mine breathing gently into my hair. It relaxes me, I feel warm. I feel safe.
“Thank you San.” I mutter quietly into her neck.
“For staying with me. For not freaking out. For everything.” She exhales slowly before answering that.
“Dani, if I even thought about doing any of that then I wouldn’t deserve you even slightly.”
“No it would have just made you like everyone else.”
“Fuck them. They don’t deserve even a tiny bit of attention if they can’t stand by you.”
“But why didn’t you even freak out about it?”
“Can we talk about this later?” I sigh against her neck.
“Okay. But still, thank you.”
I lean up and kiss her cheek gently.
“You’re welcome.” Her eyes meet mine, the dark brown colour comforts me, her eyelashes missing mascara, her skin bare of foundation. She still looks beautiful. Just the dark circles on her tan skin taint her beauty. They are the makes that come from my mistakes. I was the reason she didn’t sleep, and in this tiny moment of complete serenity I realise that she really loves me. Just as much as I love her. I feel like I could be happy again. I don’t feel as broken. If I can’t fight her demons maybe she will fend them off. I fell for her playful protective side but I am just as in love with the soft caring side of her. I am hers and she will never treat me badly. No words could convey all of this but they aren’t needed. All that’s important is us, and the rest of the world melts into the background. Nothing else matters. I am safe with her.
Sorry it’s short I’ve got some personal stuff happening and I’ve been getting some writers block. I’ll try to get a proper chapter up soon.