@danisnotonfire posted his first video six years ago today and since then he’s met his best friend, created his own unique video series such as ‘reasons why dan’s a fail’ and ‘internet support group,’ been on and now has a show on BBC radio 1, made many great collaborations with other YouTubers, created a gaming channel, written an incredible book, gone on tour, and effected the lives of over 5 million people. Dan has done a lot in these six years and I personally am glad I got to watch it all happen. He’s inspired many people and managed to make them laugh. He’s creative, intelligent, well articulated, kind, and has a unique ‘relatable’ sense of humour. I’m so glad that he chose to share his life with us and would like to say thank you.
Thank you, Dan, for posting that iconic video that makes you cringe so much. If not for you posting that video and continuing to make the great content you do, then many of us would not be the people we are today.
In the book you said that you felt that you and Phil were writing it to thank us for being there so you could share your lives and ideas with us, but really we should be thanking you for allowing us to get to know you and for making us smile.
I like to imagine that Dan sometimes bursts into Phil’s room at 5am in a state of panic covering his ears because some ghost noise is overwhelming him and tugging at the collar of his shirt because he suddenly feels trapped inside himself and pacing and muttering “Phil, Phil, it’s happening again” and Phil just wakes up and without a word just gently tugs Dan by the arm out of their flat and down the lift and then they just sit outside in the cool fresh air for a few minutes while Dan relaxes and Phil never says a word
In the two days till I had my appointment I tried to ignore the topic as much as possible. Phil was concerned but after I told him repeatedly that it won’t be a problem he stopped asking. Maybe he just understood that I didn’t want to think about it.
I had managed to fall asleep that night at ease, not letting myself cry a single tear after I instructed Dan to leave me be and handle myself. I wanted to try and work in some hours of sleep before waking up the next day and wanting to crawl back in bed.
Luckily, our flight was in the evening to fly which meant I had the day to finalize my packing and get Liam ready. Having a new baby go on an international trip was already going to be a pain in the ass, but there really wasn’t much else I could say. This would be nice for Liam to look back on in the future as whatever happens between Dan and I may be something completely different. He could at least see that at some point, we tried to give him something the represented family.
I woke up early and made myself some toast and coffee and warmed up Liam’s milk. Everyone including Dan’s mother had gone home.It was just me, awake and by myself organizing everything.
For the next few hours, I stayed on my laptop reviewing apartments that were for sale. I needed something that was actually in my budget or else I would have to resort to getting help from Waverly.
“You’re already awake?” Dan yawned, tying his sweatpants as he approached the table where I sat.
“Yeah, there’s a lot to be done so I figured I should get a head start and wake up early. Especially after last nights fiasco.” He sat across from me and tapped his fingers against the wooden table, making a rhythmic pattern. “You sound like a rockstar.”
“What?” He chuckled, cocking up one of his brows. I gestured my head over to his fingers and looked back at my computer, opening up my email. “Oh,” he stopped, “I used to play drums when I was younger. Haven’t in awhile though, so I guess my hands still feel the beats. Or maybe thats the pianist in me, who knows.”
“You make it seem like you’re a retired musician who suffered a horrible accident and had to put his career on hold.” I clicked on the email from my doctor last night that. I needed to keep staring at the sentence where it stated I wasn’t pregnant to continue and further relax myself. I would be receiving a call from the offices nurse any minute to explain to me why I wasn’t pregnant and why my drugstore test came out positive.
“More like a failed law student drop out who creates videos online about anything and everything.” Dan shrugged, leaning back in his chair.
“That reminds me, I should check out your channel. I used to be so on top of watching YouTube in my spare time, but ever since I got pregnant it’s been like I have no spare time.” I grabbed a spare orange that I brought out with my breakfast and threw it at Dan, who fumbled a bit but grabbed it.
“Maybe you shouldn’t. That would embarrass me a lot.” Dan gulped, slowly digging his nails into the orange but failing to peel it. I laughed to myself and walked over to him, standing beside where he sat. He was so tall that when I stood by him whilst sitting, he still wasn’t too far below my head.
“Let me help you with this,” I took the orange and jabbed my thumb in the dip at the top. I then removed my thumb and started taking off the peel by the little lip I created with my thumb. “Would you ever let Liam watch your videos?” I smiled, watching the peel come off in one piece. I was never proud of many things I did, but peeling an orange correctly? Give me a fucking award because I was a professional.
“I mean-I suppose that I would. I don’t create content that’s useless. I simply post about opinions and I guess some of my videos can be informational? It’s weird. We’ve never really talked about that part of my life.” Dan used his free hand to rub at his eyes. I gave him the perfectly naked orange and now instead took a seat that was right next to him.
“To be fair, we’ve been busy taking care of a tiny human and having humiliating fights. In all seriousness I feel as if… I haven’t really gotten to know much about you individually that much. It’s all been about me or about Liam. I can’t speak for Liam but it gets exhausting being the centre of attention.”
“So, you want to start getting to know me?” Dan did a cheeky little side smile, really only showing off one of his dimples.
“I actually think I do.” I watched him take a bite off of the orange. He looked so adorable when he chewed.
“Seriously? I thought you resented me.”
“I don’t think I could ever resent you.” I quickly responded, closing my eyes. This conversation was completely civil and relaxed but now it was going to turn into me crying again if I didn’t find a nice solution. “I’m usually really, really, really mad at you but I could never resent you. My feelings towards you are indescribable. I just feel that right now, before I officially move completely out of here and out of the apartment with Catherine that I should get to know you better. You are the man who’s going to be in charge of my son for a specific amount of time so any information about you can become useful, alright? Great.” I meekly smiled and sucked in a deep breath.
“Great.” He replied, affirming that he understood.
“Let’s start with your YouTube videos.” I proclaimed. I had follow up questions but suddenly my phone rung and I knew that it was the nurse. I picked up my phone and stood up. “Load up a video, I just need to answer this.” Dan nodded and moved to my computer as I stepped back into the bedroom. “Hello?”
“Hi! Alright, I need to do this quickly but I understand you’re confused as to why the test was negative with us and positive with a drugstore test?” The nurse spoke into the phone. I started pacing around the room, trying my hardest to keep my voice down.
“Uh yes. I understand that the drugstore can scan incorrectly and that can lead to a faulty test but I simply just want to know? My period was late and I guess I just wasn’t feeling my best. A lot of the symptoms were similar to my first pregnancy.” I explained.
“You recently had a baby, correct?”
“I did, yes.” I confirmed, walking around the room and simply studying everything extra carefully.
“Alright well… According to this you’re around 13 weeks postpartum. Your period takes time to regulate once more after you have gone through the process of pregnancy. It seems that right after you had sex for the first time and you weren’t back to the cycle you’re used to, you took the test. The test as you said didn’t scan correctly either. However, for the other symptoms? You might be close to starting and are ovulating or thats just your mind tricking you.” She finished.
The nurse and I didn’t talk for much longer before she hung up. I then walked back out to the dining room and saw Dan sitting at my computer.
“I got a video loaded.”
Before desperately packing last minute, Dan and I spent a good hour an a half watching his most recent and older videos together. I couldn’t bring myself to stop laughing at whatever he said or did.
Once we were dressed and ready to go, I picked up Liam from his play pen and looked up at Dan who was waiting in the doorway. Phil had gone out with friends and said a blunt goodbye to us. I felt bad for being so destructive in his life but it was out of my control.
“Hey, quick thing.” Dan mumbled. “Like seriously so quick, I don’t want to make this a big thing or ruin anything before we set foot in France-shit. That was a surprise but whatever.” He shook his head. “I just wanted to ask you something.”
“Go for it.” I put my purse overly shoulder and grabbed the handle of my suitcase.
“Why did you never tell me you were pregnant?” Dan looked up at me worriedly and I immediately shook my head.
“No, no, no. I thought I was pregnant but I’m not. I never told you because… I wanted to make sure if I actually had anything to tell you about.”
“Did you think it was mine?” He sighed, taking over my suitcase. I replied with a slow nod, turning my gaze to Liam. “Alrighty then.”
“I’m sorry.” I groaned. “I didn’t know what to do, I was panicked.”