Summary: Dan’s worried about the
future of his channel and Phil comforts him
Warnings: Anxiety, very
minor reference to suicidal thoughts (Dan & Phil saving people from them)
Disclaimer: I have no idea what
Dan & Phil are actually thinking, this is all from my imagination. I hope you enjoy it!
Dan sat on the edge of the couch
in their new living room, trying to sort through some of his racing thoughts. He was home alone, so he’d put on music in the background, in attempt to help anchor him
from plunging into another crisis. Of course, the music couldn’t always save him from a crisis; whenever he thought about what he was doing with his life, it was hard not to be
summoned into a void of unanswerable questions. So many questions raced through
his mind: what did he want his content to be? He wanted it to reflect who he
was now… but who was he now? Wait…who did he used to be? Why did people
subscribe to him in the first place? Would they stay subscribed if he changed
his content? But what even was his content currently? He placed his head in his
knees, focused on his breathing, and tried to slow his heart rate. He would figure this all out eventually…right?
“Dan?” he heard Phil’s voice
from the front door and a smile rose to his lips. “Dan?” Phil called out again,
but Dan remained silent, trying to calm himself down before Phil found
“Dan? DAN?” Dan chuckled to himself
as he heard Phil open what sounded like every door in their apartment. Phil
always did this; shouting out for Dan from the second he got home, frantically checking
every room until he found him. Sure, Dan could let Phil know where he was, but hearing
Phil call his name was one of Dan’s favourite sounds in the world. Phil’s
footsteps came closer, and his voice louder. Knowing Phil would find him any
moment, Dan sat up straight. He hated Phil seeing him this down.
“Oh, there you are, Bear,” Phil
laughed, spotting Dan on the couch as he entered the room. He sat down beside
him, leaning into his arm.
“You’ll never believe what just
happened,” Phil said, not pausing for Dan’s reaction. “Our lift said ‘E’”
“What?” Dan said, laughing. Phil
had a habit of skipping ahead to the most important part of any story.
“The lift in this apartment
building!” Phil said, turning to look at Dan. “It went 1,2,3,E,4.”
“Are you sure?” Dan asked,
having never experienced it himself.
“Yes! What does E mean?” Phil
“Error?” Dan suggested.
“Well, I got up here fine,” Phil
“Emergency,” Dan said.
“Well, I hope not,” Phil
“Exterminate,” Dan teased.
“What!” Phil gasped, then
started pouting. “I think I’ll take the stairs from now on…”
“I’m joking.” Dan laughed, reaching
out for Phil’s hand. “Maybe the lift just took a special route today.”
“Stop it,” Phil laughed. “Sometime
you’ll be in the lift and it will happen!”
Dan laughed, but didn’t make any
further remarks. Normally, Dan would continue making fun of him, (simply
because Phil was so cute when he got flustered) but today Dan couldn’t find the
“Bear, are you ok,” Phil asked,
tilting his head to the side.
“What?” Dan said, sitting up even straighter. How had Phil known?
“You seem down.” Phil said,
“I’m fine, why would you think
that?” Dan said, avoiding Phil’s eye contact.
“Well, normally you would make
fun of me for at least another minute…and when I came in you were just sitting
here…with your ‘thinking’ playlist on,” he said using air quotes.
“How do you know this is my
thinking playlist?” Dan asked, as he couldn’t remember ever playing it when
Phil was in the room (because when he was around, Phil was the anchor to stop him from falling into a crisis.)
“Dan, I know you,” Phil smiled,
squeezing his hand. For a few moments neither of them said anything, just
letting the music fill the air.
“So, do you want to talk about
it?” Phil asked, sitting up to match Dan’s posture.
“It’s okay,” Dan sighed. Phil had
seemed in such a good mood…he felt so bad to take away any of Phil’s happiness
with his own worries.
“Dan, I want to know,” Phil
“Okay,’ he began, knowing Phil
would keep asking until he told him. “I was just thinking about my channel,
that’s all” Dan sighed, gazing away from Phil and the sad frown he had just formed.
“I know, I’m sure you’ve been
thinking about it a lot lately,’ he said softly.
“I want my content to be
different, from what it has been,” Dan signed, looking down at Phil’s pale hand
on top of his, “but I don’t know what I want it to be.”
“You don’t have to have it all figured out
now,” Phil said, “your content can evolve over time, and it will, like it
“But what if I want to do
something really different,” Dan said using his free hand to trace over the
freckles on the back of Phil’s hand.
“Whatever you do will be
“But what if everyone hates it?
What do we do if I lose all my subscribers?” Dan said, and stopped tracing
Phil’s freckles, instead gaining the courage to look at his beautiful eyes.
“You won’t” Phil laughed.
“But Phil, I might!” Dan said,
pulling his hand away from Phil.
“Bear listen to me:” Phil said, grabbing both
of Dan’s hands, and holding them tightly.
“First of all, you have to
remember to make content you want to make, not what you think people want you to make.”
“I know but-” Dan started talking,
but Phil ignored him.
“Secondly, it doesn’t matter if
you lose all you subscribers, which by the way, you won’t. This is about you,
not them. If they don’t like you for changing your style, they’re not the kind
of people you want subscribed to you anyway, right?”
“And don’t tell me you’re
worried about the money, because we have that under control.”
“But Phil, you’ve read all the
letters people gave us at tatinof, you’ve heard people tell us we are the
reason they are still alive…what if they don’t like what I do next! What if I
ruin the only thing that makes them happy…” Dan began to cry. Dan’s whole body
was shaking. His throat felt frozen stuck. He couldn’t believe he had just
admitted that to Phil. He couldn’t believe he said that…that he even
thought it. Dan knew that the last thing those subscribers would ever want, was
him being sad. He knew they wanted him to be happy. But,
he wanted them to be happy too.
“I don’t want to let anyone down.”
He hadn’t dared admit his fear to himself, but with Phil here beside him, it
just all came rushing out.
“Oh my god, Bear!” Phil’s grip on Dan’s hands
loosened. He pulled his right hand away, then cupped it around Dan’s face.
“It’s ok, Bear, look at me.”
Through the tears, Dan
sheepishly gazed up at Phil. It broke his heart to see that Phil had tears in
his eyes too.
“I promise you could never let
anyone down…” Phil said, softly stroking Dan’s cheek. “Dan, all the people who tell us those things, they
love you so much. And they love you for you; they don’t care what kind of
content you make, they’ll love anything if you make it. If anything, if you are
happier with a different style of content, then they will be happier too.”
A smile formed on Dan’s lips,
and now he couldn’t speak for a different reason. More tears leaked from his
eyes, but this time they weren’t tears of sadness. How did Phil always have the
perfect thing to say?
“Hey,” Phil saw Dan’s tears and
wiped them away. “It’s all going to be ok, I promise.”
“I know,” Dan whispered, leaning
into Phil, and staring into his beautiful eyes. How had he gotten so lucky?
“What?” Phil said, red rising to
his cheeks, and averting his gaze.
“I love you Phil,” he whispered,
before he pressed his lips against Phil’s. Phil kissed him back, and all of Dan’s
worries faded. All he could think was Phil,
“I love you too,” Phil said
between kisses. He grabbed Dan’s hands, entwining his fingers in his own. No matter
how many times Phil did that it always felt like magic, like euphoric energy
was being sent through Dan’s entire body.
“Thankyou,” Dan said, pulling
away from Phil slightly. “You always have the perfect thing to say.”
“Of course, Dan,” Phil laughed. “Now
“What?” Dan raised his eyebrows,
“Just keep kissing me, bear,” he
laughed as he moved in, closing the distance between them.
“As long as you want,” Dan smiled,
and placed his lips to Phil’s again.
Author Note: This is my first
phandom fic! Hope you enjoyed it! Let me know your thoughts :)
Genre: Angst/ Tiny tiny bit of fluffy smut. (I can’t believe it)
Word count: 1725
Warnings: Cheating, naughty word.
Summary: Phil caught Dan kissing someone else, for the third time.
A/N: I wanted to write this because I saw that thing where Dan knows he’s in trouble with Phil when he yells at him. This was kind of inspired form that. I hope you like it. I won’t be online for a couple of days but I will be back soon my lovlies. That was weird. Should I call you that? I feel like im calling you “My precious.” Okay bye :)
I Can’t Believe You
“Oh crap.” Dan pushed himself away from James, his lips still tingling from their passionate kiss. Dan’s eyes desperately darted around the room, hoping that Phil hadn’t seen what he just did. His eyes grew wide as they attached with the huge bright blue ones of his boyfriend. “Oh shit.” Dan shoved James out of his path, desperately clawing his way to Phil. Phil dropped the two red cups that he was holding and turned for the flats door.
James grabbed Dan’s arm. “Come on sexy, didn’t you like it?” Dan ripped his wrist out of the grasp of the strong man, trying to get to the ever fleeting Phil. The crowded room began to fill up even more, with the millions of thoughts swirling around in his head.
He didn’t mean to kiss him, it just happened. That party was in full swing, and with the music that was playing Dan couldn’t help himself. It was obvious that James was thinking about it, the side glances at Dan’s lips, the gentle grazes of his arm; but the minute that Dan pulled him in a rush of regret poured over him. The kiss wasn’t awful, it was amazing and something that Phil had never given him before, but he knew it wasn’t Phil; and if he found out, they would never be the same.
It was a quite chilly night, and Dan Howell was sitting on a bench in the middle of Hyde Park. The stars were bright above him, and you could vaguely hear the London traffic in the distance. He had been there, waiting, for about half an hour. Normal people would get impatient, but Dan enjoyed the quiet night. It was usually nice to spend the night alone, looking at the stars and thinking about life, but when Dan had the opportunity to do the same thing with someone other than the lonely moon, he felt blissful. There was only one person he could share the night with in the same way as if he were alone. Dan had sent Phil Lester a text an hour ago to meet him under the stars in the park. Dan’s decision to invite Phil out into the open hadn’t been spontaneous, he had big plans for the night: he wanted to relive the moment that had made Dan the happiest he had ever been. He let his hand brush over the pocket of his leather jacket, feeling the hard object through the fabric, reminding him of the other thing he had planned for the night.
Exclusive Outtakes from Dan and Phil LICK RACE!!1! (A Phan Drabble)
a phan drabble by zeldainhiding I don’t even think I’m sorry
‘DAN!’ ‘Is it that time?’ ‘It is!’ ‘You still haven’t told me what we’re doing yet!’ ‘Well… It’s called… A Lick-off, no, wait, a Lick Race, no- no- Dan! Dan! Not that type- nO!’ ‘I don’t understand how we can do this on camera Phil… Not that I’m complaining…’ ‘Staaahp Dan! Hey! Ummfph-’
(excerpt: phil meets two hundred and forty eight versions of himself by the time he’s twenty-three, and they never leave, trailing after him with phantom smiles and paper-thin skins that hold their stories inside.)
notes: a 2012 christmastime fic. because apparently i’ve started an unhappy christmas fics tradition, and this has been sitting in my folders for too long.
a quirky, strange, angsty little thing that started as me toying with realistic sci-fi and turned into some kind of elaborate metaphor for 2012!phil. warning that this fic mentions/deals with the vday vid, because i figured, you know. if i go mia might as well look taboos in the eye. also read on ao3.
In one world, Phil’s uncle takes him hunting as a
child. This Phil becomes a vet, and he sits at the foot of the bed with running
red hands and leaves marks on the duvet, blood and guilt and apathy. He isn’t
fond of houseplants, and his cold eyes are unchanging as he glances over Phil’s
shoulder at pictures of cats online.
Phil never does last his vet internship. In the end,
he packs his things and goes back home, to his room and his bed and the red
marks on the duvet. The Phil of the universe where he lasts through the
internship still sits at the foot of the bed, judges. His judgement leaves dents
in the cushions, but Phil bleaches the duvet white and no longer cares.