dan echo

Yay! Fanart in an art style I made and really like!
(In order of appearance)
@echoisweird (Echo Gillette on YouTube)
@therealJacksepticeye (Jacksepticeye on Youtube)
@conangray (Conan Gray on YouTube)
@danielhowell (Daniel Howell on YouTube)
@amazingphil (AmazingPhil on YouTube)
@tiffyquake (IHasCupquake on YouTube)
@niduss (Alastair Casey on YouTube)
@loverofpiggies (Crayon Queen on YouTube)
@tyleroakley (Tyler Oakley on YouTube)

anonymous asked:

Uni roomate AU hate sex? And d and p hate each other and are free to love together, not even the first day there Phil gets cocky ad starts getting in Dan's face, lots f sexual tension and kinks?

Warnings!! Smut: Daddy kink, Dom! Phil, degradation, dirty talk, hate sex, angry fucking, witty banter, etc etc.

~When Dan found out he was put into the same room as Phil Lester on the first day of university, he was less than thrilled to say the least. Ever since they met the year before, they had never seemed to get along. And now that university was starting up again, Dan was put in the same room on him since they both needed a roommate.

~Phil Lester came bruiting in, throwing his duffle bag across the room and sitting on the top bunk. His hair was messed up in the back but still in is usual fringe, his short sleeved Muse T-shirt showing each one of his tattoos off, his ripped skinny jean clad legs swinging off the top bunk as he watched Dan unpack.

~Dan was bent over, folding and putting clothes into his bottom drawer. He hadn’t been paying mind to his position, not noticing Phil watching his ass move. “You know.” Phil said after a moment, watching Dan more for a second before continuing. “If you weren’t such a fuckin’ prude, you’d be someone I’d definitely consider fucking.”

~Dan rolled his eyes, snapping back into an upright position, looking at Phil. “Was that supposed to be some fucked up compliment? And they say romance is dead.”

~Phil chuckled and starts cracking his knuckles as he spoke. “Romance? You couldn’t pay me to date you. Putting up with your whining bitch self? I’d kill myself.” He chuckled. “But that ass. That’s something special. You get laid often?” He asked.

~Dan chuckled bitterly, crossing his arms and looking at him. “Even if I was what business of yours is it?” Dan replied, his time sharp and snarky. “I’ve heard you’re a promiscuous type.” Phil commented, smirking at him.

~Dan shook his head. “You’re insufferable you know that? I’m not promiscuous. I enjoy my fun.” He said. “Unlike you who fucks everything that has a pulse.”

~Phil shrugged, looking at him and keeping the confident smirk plastered across his face. “Haven’t fucked you yet. Even I have standards.”

~Dan scoffed, looking at him back and giving him an angry glare. “Yeah like you could fuck me. I’m a bit above the bar of cheap blondes and easy twinks you pick up.”

~Phil shrugged and got down off the top bunk by jumping, clapping as he walked towards Dan, combat boots hitting the ground hard as he did. “You’re not exactly a prize, Danny.” He smirked. “But you’re definitely fuckable”

~Dan sneered, turning away from Phil as he grew closer, hearing his steps stop. “Sorry, I don’t fuck bullying, punk ass man whores.” Dan said and Phil chuckled.

~Phil shrugged and moved to pull the back of Dan’s hair. “Care to put your money where your mouth is?” He smirked. “Because you wanna keep talking, I’ll knock your teeth down your fucking throat.” He threatened and Dan turned around once he let go, glaring, angry. “You couldn’t even if you fucking tried.” He said.

~Phil smirked again and shrugged. “Have it your way.” He said, grinning before punching Dan straight in the chin, knocking him back.

~Dan coughed, jaw grit in pain and glaring at Phil from where he was on the floor, lunging up to knock him down, trying to swing and missing, getting hit again.

~Dan groaned loudly, leaning back on the floor, only a few feet away from Phil on the linoleum floor. “You look oddly hot right now.” Phil commented.

~Dan wiped his mouth, his jaw and cheek already starting to bruise. “Right. Why are you flirting with me after hitting me twice?” He chuckled, trying not to try and hit him again, knowing he couldn’t.

~Phil shrugged and waited a moment before getting up, moving between Dan’s legs. Dan didn’t know what he was doing until he felt a hand wrap around his throat hard, Phil’s lips on his moving fast.

~Dan kissed back, unsure why as the pressure on his neck tightened, gasping for air. Phil moved his tongue passed Dan’s lips, exploring his mouth and pinning him to the ground with his body weight, still gripping his neck.

~Phil let go, moving an arm under Dan’s waist to pull them chest to chest, pulling away from the kiss and burying his face in his neck, starting to kiss and nip at the soft skin. “I hate you so fucking much.” He mumbled against his skin.

~Dan moaned quietly, his legs moving around Phil’s waist tightly. “Yet you’re kissing me.” He commented and Phil gripped his waist tightly, biting down particularly hard and earning a loud moan from the writhing boy under him.

~Phil growled, moving his hands up under Dan’s shirt, roaming his chest to his lower back, holding him close as he went to work bruising his neck. He moved back, pulling dan up with him in his lap as he rested back on himself.

~Dan moved with him languidly, easily giving in and being submissive. “F-fuck.” He mumbled, feeling his lips on his sensitive neck.

~Phil moaned quietly against his skin as Dan instinctively started grinding into him in the position they were in. His hands wandered down, grabbing his ass and groaning. “You’re so fucking stupid but god damn.” He groaned.

~Dan chuckled breathlessly through a moan. “Degrade me Daddy.” He smirked, feeling the grip tighten and making him gasp. “Oh I intend to.” Phil spoke lowly and Dan shuddered.

~Quick, Phil stood up, slamming Dan into the wall and kissing him again, roughly, hard and passionate, lust and hate filling the room, tension thick as the two kissed. Tongues clashing, hips moving against each other, high pitched moans from Dan echoing off the walls.

~Phil moved them once more, slamming Dans body into the bed and pulling off his shirt as quick as he could manage before going back to Dan, lips molding to his perfectly.

~Dan moved his arms around his neck, hand lacing through his hair and pulling as they kissed. “Daddy..” he groaned slightly, moaning into his mouth when he started to palm Dan over his jeans, putting pressure on his already aching erection.

~Phil popped the button of Dan’s jeans, getting down the zipper quickly all while having his mouth on Dan’s. His hand moved under his boxers, taking him in hand and stroking him slowly.

~Dan pulled back, choking out a quiet moan at the contact, feeling Phil’s hand tug and jerk his cock, thumb swiping through his slit each time he came up, flicking his wrist as he sped up.

~Dan arched his back off the mattress, giving in to Phil’s touch. “Such a worthless slut.” He chuckled, watching Dan squirm under him in pleasure. “Letting someone you can’t fucking stand touch your cock, make you feel good.” He smirked and pulled back his hand, looking at him. “Get up and strip, or you’ll be punished.” He instructed.

~Dan wanted to argue as make a smart remark but went against it, standing up and doing as told. Phil watched him, seeing his shirt and pants hit the ground quick.

~Once Dan had stripped, Phil pulled him into his lap and moved his hands down to grip his ass tightly. “Lube?” He asked and dan nodded eagerly, pointing to the cupboard by the bed. Phil reached over, pulling out the small pink bottle. “Princess has a vibrator.” He smirked and popped the cap.

~Dan blushed brightly, shaking his head. “Fuck you” he tried and Phil chuckled, two fingers pressing to Dan’s entrance now. “I’m gonna.” He smirked.

~Phil pushed in two fingers, feeling Dan tighten around the digits, already starting to bounce against them with need. Dan bit his lip, hands resting against Phil’s lower stomach as he moved himself along Phil’s fingers, trying to fuck himself back and moaning quietly.

~Phil smirked and slowly started to stretch him, searching for his spot. Dan moaned loudly, falling forward, burying his face in Phil’s shoulder. Phil rubbed over the sensitive bundle of nerves, prodding into it over and over again after a while, properly fingering Dan once he was stretched enough.

~Phil got harder and harder at the sight. Dan was fucking himself down, riding his fingers, making obscene noises, moaning and begging. “Daddy please.” Dan sobbed after a moment. “Want your cock.” He tried.

~Phil chuckled, still moving his fingers in and out of him roughly, hitting his spot continuously. “Fucking hell such a needy bottom.” He smirked, pulling out his fingers and hearing Dan whine at the loss.

~Phil undid his jeans, looking at Dan and biting his lip. “I bet you’re gonna swallow my cock with such a tight cunt.” He smirked, grabbing the lube and coating over himself with it quickly.

~Dan babbled incoherently, feeling his body well up with desperation as Phil’s tip pressed into him slightly. He slowly sunk down, groaning loudly at the stretch of his cock. “Fuck! Daddy!” He cried out, hearing Phil hiss at the tightness.

~Phil moved his hands in his hips, groaning lowly, his voice gruff, the heat in his stomach building up as Dan slid up and down his length, starting to bounce after a minute.

~Dan moaned loudly, feeling Phil hit his prostate each time he bounced down hard. “Please. Talk to me daddy!” Dan cried out as he rolled his hips slow, getting speed again quick.

~Phil groaned and nodded, leaning back and watching Dan move. “Fuck you’re so tight. For a pathetic desperate whore you know how to take my cock, riding me so good. Pretty tight little ass, swallowing my length each time you go down, making such fucking slut noises.” He got out, letting out a low moan and fluttering his eyes shut for a moment, enjoying the feeling.

~Dan kept whining, his voice breaking as his hips moved quickly. “Daddy please…let me cum please.” He begged softly and Phil chuckled.

~Phil reached between his legs, kissing him firmly and moving to stroke over him firmly. “Cum for me. Cum like a good slut, make your pretty noises for me.” He bucked up, trying to get himself closer.

~Dan nodded and squeezed his eyes shut, crying out as he came, white ribbons spraying across his stomach, his hips moving still, purposely over stimulating himself and fucking himself back as he rode out his orgasm.

~Phil groaned out, Dan clenching tightly around him as he slowed down, pushing him over the edge until he came hard, deep inside the brunette male.

~They rested against each other panting, slowly falling back and laying down. “Maybe I don’t hate you that much.” Dan mumbled tiredly, and all Phil could do was giggle as they passed out together, not thinking about what came next.

A/N: I’m doing much better. This is actually the worst thing I’ve ever written. Sorry anon!

Echoes Of Fashion

Hi there again! This time I bring you a long prompt but I hope that doesn’t bother you. Enjoy!

prompt: Person A is a world renowned fashion designer, who is well known for having a short temper. Person B is an easy going model who loves to have fun and is absolutely loving life.

One day Person B is hired for a shoot for Person A’s new clothing line. Person B has fun on set, messing around a little, making everyone laugh and this gradually irritates Person A.

So much so that, Person A snaps at Person B, telling them to get out of the shoot, which causes Person B to cry. Person B apologises repeatedly, saying that they just wanted to make everyone smile as people are so serious in this industry.

After that outburst from Person A, everyone is on the best behaviour, trying not to smile so they do not annoy Person A. Person A notices this and does not like it… It’s so much more fun when people are laughing and smiling . So, Person A approaches Person B and asks them to help them become more easy going like them.

summary: Dan Howell is a 26 year old famous fashion designer. In the shooting for his new clothing line, what will happen when a new model called Phil Lester gets on his nerves?

word count: 3.1k

no trigger warnings

Dan Howell, one of the most sucessful and passionate young fashion designers was walking towards the studio where the shooting for his new clothing line was taking place. You see? Dan was only 26 and already was one of the most notorious designers of the fashion industry, he was a young genius.

Now, as he entered the studio all he was receiving were serious stares from all the photographers and some stylists. Yes, Dan was also know for having temper issues. He wasn’t a bad person he just was a perfectionist, he couldn’t handle things not being perfect and he often got angry because of this, and after an altercation with some model last year he became an intimidating person whenever he entered a room.

“Hello Chris, how are we doing today?” Dan said to his assistant and long time friend Chris while leaving his coat on an empty chair.

“Oh, good morning Dan” Chris replied, looking at his worn out agenda “some models have yet to arrive, they should be here by 10 am, you can have a coffee if you want.”

“Thank you Chris, what would I do without you?” the designer said, resting a hand on his friend shoulder.

“You would propbably have a meltdown every 15 minutes” Chris made both of them laugh as they walked to the coffee machine located at the end of the hall.


It was 10 o'clock and all the models had arrived, some of them new faces for Dan. He didn’t say, but some of the new male models were really attractive, he would gladly lay in the studio’s dressing room bench or even the floor while some of them ravished him, to be honest.

After introducing himself to them and explaining how the shot would be, they all retired to the dressing room and they began calling them one by one so they could rapidly take a few photos and change onto the next outfit.

The shot was going perfect for Dan’s shake. They all got out on time of the dressing room, clothes nicely put and posing as the photographer asked them, not missing a step. Well, that was till he called Phil Lester.

Phil apparently was a very laid out guy. He loved making people laugh and have fun while working. Now that modeling was his new life, he wanted to make the most of it. When the photographer told him to pose in a certain form, Phil let out a little laugh, thinking that the pose he was making him to do was a bit exagerated, but he did it anyway. Dan heard the laugh, but passed it as a random moment.

When Phil’s time was done he called the next model, and by the corner of his eye, he saw Phil speaking to one some of the prop guys that were waiting Dan’s signal to change the props if needed. Then he heard another laugh. It was Phil’s and the props guys laugh. He stood up and walked to them “Hey, what’s so funny? We are trying to work here” Dan muttered through his teeth, trying not to disturb the photographer.

“Oh Dan it was nothing, Phil was just trying to…” one of the props guys said.

“No, I don’t wanna hear it.” Dan cut him. He pointed his finger to Phil “Now you, go change. I don’t wanna hear another laugh from you, undserstood?”

“Yes, don’t worry” Phil quietly replied and walked back into the dressing room and Dan did the same while stomping a bit back to his seat.

“Okay next!”


They were on a break now, so Dan decided to look at some of his emails.

“Dan, come here a second” Chris said, making him looking from his phone.

Dan stood up and walked with assistant as this was telling him some of the changes on the timetable for next week. He was about to tell Chris something when he heard a loud laugh erupt form the dressing room. “Wait here” he told Chris, taking big steps onto the room and angrily opening the curtains.

There was Phil, a phone on his hand trying to take a selfie of the group of models and stylisht behind him, all pulling funny faces when suddenly they noticed Dan and Phil started slowly lowering the phone.

Dan decided he had had enough and took Phil by the arm and led him outside the room, bringing him into a private empty office.

“Do you think this is funny? Taking selfies and laughing 80% percent of the time while you are working Phil?” shushed an angry Dan. “You know what? You think you are so damn funny Phil, being all so friendly and happy with everyone and you know what, you are not. Stop fooling everyone with that happy face” his voice getting louder.

He took a breath and continued, “I’m trying to make this shot perfect and you are getting on my nerves, so stop playing around with everyone, okay? Now you should leave the shooting before I lose my temper even more. Hope this lesson teaches you something.” and with that last sentence he flew out of the door, closing it furiously.


“Next!” Dan shouted again, only a few models left to finish the shot.

“Dan we might have a problem” Chris whispered so the both of them could only hear.

“What now?” Dan replied, annoyed something else was interrupting the shot.

“Um… Look, we all heard the ‘argument’ you had with Phil Lester earlier and one of the models found him crying in the bathroom” Chris explained. What? Phil was crying? Had he been that harsh with him to make him cry? “You should go and at least apologize, he was getting his job well done, he hasn’t done aything wrong, don’t you think?” his assistant pointed out.

“Okay, I will go, I will let you to continue with this” Dan said, standing up and walking into the bathroom.


Once Dan had reached the bathroom he heard the little sniffles and whimpers coming from the inside. He hadn’t meant to be so angry at Phil, now that he considered, the model was just making the people on the set have a good time. 'Time to face the music’ he thought opening the door.

He spotted Phil, sitting on a corner under the sinks, a bunch of tissues on his hand trying to stop the tears from falling. He lifted his gaze a bit and noticed Dan had entered the bathroom. The designer could slowly listen Phil beating himself up for this “Why do I always try to be kind with anyone, even when I’m kind people don’t like me.”

Phil finally sppoted him and he crawled from his improvised and cold seat and stood up, rapidly speaking up.

“Mr. Howell, I’m so sorry for the way I acted, that was totally unprofessional and I should leave. Thank you for giving me this opportunity, I loved working with you. I’m deeply sorry for ruining your shooting, that wasn’t my intention. I just wanted to…” he took another breath, seeing as Dan wasn’t planning on interrupting him, he continued, “I just wanted to see people smile, you know? I arrived this morning and everyone was so serious and I just wanted to be nice.”

Dan, still surprised by Phil’s words, didn’t know what to say. So he just nodded and said “Okay Phil, you can come back to the shooting. Clean you face. You will be going out in a few minutes.” and without waiting for the model’s reply he walked back to his spot.


The first thing Dan noticed when he came back was that the atmosphere of the shooting had changed. It seemed like someone had stompped on everybodies puppies and kitties. He noticed the models’ bodies were more stiff when they walked out to take the photos. Also, the some of the stylists were nervously checking their work every two seconds, making sure everything was perfect.

Was it because they all had heard Dan shouting angrily at Phil earlier? Well, he didn’t want to make everyone awkward at his shooting, he wanted professional but comfortable people. Dan didn’t want people to be scared of him.

He called Chris, the shooting couldn’t continue if everyone was so serious. They decided to leave the shooting for tomorrow, so they could come back to work more relaxed, expecting a better mood for tomorrow.

On his taxi back home Dan started to think. His co-workers were scared of making mistakes in case Dan shouted at them angrily. He didn’t want them to see them as a monster, he really wanted them to be comfortable around him, but he didn’t know how to be a more laid back and approachable person.

He would have to figure something out.


The designer managed to get Phil Lester’s phone number and texted him late in the evening. 'Hey Phil, it’s Dan. Could you meet up to talk some things tomorrow before the shooting? If you can please be on the café that is in front of the studio at 9am.’

He had decided to let Phil to teach him how to be a more 'laid back guy’ like he was. When he discovered Phil trying to take that selfie he noticed all the group behind him, even though they were making funny faces, he could sense the happy atmosphere that was there. He wanted the same for when they were shooting.

'Okay Mr. Howell, I ’ll be there’ was Phil’s response.

He read that last message before going to sleep.


At 9am on the dot he entered the café, noticing that Phil had already ordered them both a coffee. Approching the table where he was sitting, Phil handed him his coffee “Morning Mr. Howell, I bought you a coffee, hope you don’t mind.”

Dan noticed Phil was nervous around him. Also, he didn’t like people calling him 'Mr. Howell’, that made him feel old and he was only 26.

He took off his coat and sat down while he gladly accepted Phils coffee with a small smile on his face. “Thanks Phil, and call me Dan please.”

He took a sip of his coffee before speaking up “Look Phil, I first wanted to apologize for shouting at you yesterday. I am quite a perfectionist and I do not handle changes very well, so when I heard you all laughing and having fun that wasn’t my kind of work place so I decided to release all my anger on you. So yeah, I’m sorry.”

“Oh Mr. How… Dan, don’t worry. I was out of line myself and I understand why you shouted at me, don’t apologize. Also, you are the boss, you can do whatever you want.” Phil explained, sipping his coffee.

“That’s the thing Phil! I am the boss and my co-workers are scared of me. I want to work with professional people but I also want them to have fun, but it seems like I’m the worst for that, that’s why I need you to help me.” Dan grabbed one of Phil’s hand in his, “please help me to act like you do, people love being around you, you make people around you happy and I want that.”

Phil could really see how this bothered Dan. He wasn’t a bad person, he was just worried about messing up his work, and he believed that if he let himself don’t be serious that would happen.

“Dan, I will help you, don’t worry. And we are starting today. C'mon.” With that, he laced his  fingers with Dan’s and led them both out of the café, making them cross the street running, both of them out of breath and laughing at the sudden stupidity they had just done.


Phil had told Dan he would mess with some props so the others could see that nothing happened, that way they could see that Dan wouldn’t yell at them anymore. He made Dan promise he would smile more during the models work, letting himself enjoy and admire the work he had done, he deserved it, he was a great designer after all.

Apprently the plan was working, Phil had gotten out first from the dressing room, and he managed to grab some props on his way to the photographer, and playing with them in front of Dan and he cheekily winked at him, making Dan let a soft laugh and giving Phil a light shove before grabbing the props in his hands and sending Phil in front of the photographer.

Phil was glad he had made Dan laugh at least once since he had started working with him yesterday, he should show his dimple more, to be honest.

Once Phil was finished he walked back into the dressing room, spying Dan from behind the curtaing, seeing him more relaxed and not only Dan, also everyone around him seemed to be more comfortable and happy, they didn’t seem scared of Dan anymore.


The shooting had ended a few minutes ago and it went fantastic. The atmosphere had been great and Dan seemed happy with the results. He also noticed how his co-workers had done all his work perfectly, there was no need to look so serous all the time for them to do their job right, they were professionals, they knew what they were doing.

Dan stood up from his chair, calling everyone into the main room. When he noticed everyone was here he began speaking “First of all I want to apologize to everyone in this room. You all know that I am very perfectionist, that’s why I don’t like messing up things and I tried to stay serious all the time because I thought that if I let myself be relaxed for a minute everything would go out of the window, so I am sorry if I made you feel scared of me, that wasn’t my intention.”

He took another breath and continued his speech “Now, thank you for being so professional and amazing and making my job easier, I never would have done this without you all. So thank you so much and I promise I will try to be more laid back and happy in the next projects.”

Dan didn’t expect the sudden clapping from them and laughed a bit, making his cheeks go red with embarrassement.

When the clapping eneded, everyone went to collect their things and go home, but Chris came by his side, giving him a side hug, before teasing him “Well, I didn’t know Dan Howell could be so sentimental… I’m proud of you, you know that right?”

“Thank you Chris” Dan responded, wrapping his assistant and friend in a proper hug.


Dan was the last to pack up everything. He made sure everyone had gone home before leaving the studio himself when he heard a noise that sounded like a yelp coming from the studio’s dressing room. Was someone still here?

He ventured onto the said location, slowly opening the curtain, only to find Phil rubbing the back of his head.

“Hey, what are you still doing here? I thought I saw you leave” Dan said, startling Phil and making him almost hit himself again with the looker door.

“Oh Dan, you scared me.” Phil said, stil rubbing the back of his head, trying to leasen the pain, “I forgot my hoodie when I was leaving and aparently it was in other locker so yeah…”

Dan saw how Phil was still rubbing his head; he clearly was in pain. What if he was bleeding? Oh god please no. “Hey Phil, let me look at your head, you might be bleeding” Dan said, grabbing Phil’s free hand and sitting him on one of the dressing room’s benches.

“Don’t worry Dan, it’s just a bump, it will fade.” Phil explained, trying to mask the pain but not really succeding.

Dan shushed him, putting himself behind Phil and slowly moving his hands and fingers through Phil’s head, slowly examining the bump. Oh, it wasn’t that bad, at least he wasn’t bleeding. He threaded his fingers one last time through Phil’s hair and he heard a soft moan coming from Phil.

Dan thought it had been a pained moan when he accidentally threaded his fingers again and Phil moaned again, definitely not from pain. A small grin appeared on his face, and decided to tease the model about this “Oh, you like people stroking your hair, Phil?” he said, in a soft sensual voice.

Phil, who now had his eyes closed, was only able to let another moan, this time louder. That made it for Dan.

He took the initiative, put himself in front of Phil and straddled him on the bench, putting both of his hands on the model’s hair again, grabbing a little harder and making his head tilt back a bit so Dan could kiss his neck, marking him. Once he was done, he tilted Phil’s head up again, this time the model had his eyes open and had his eyes full of lust. “Dan we…”

Dan shushed him again, “Phil, we can and we should. I want this with you and I see you want this too so please, let’s just do it.”

Phil, looking at Dan’s lips he nodded, before grabbing Dan from the neck and making their lips met in a heated kiss.

Once they parted ways Phil started unbottoning Dan’s shirt but before he could do anything, Dan stopped him, looking at him with a shy smile “Phil I… I never got to thank you for helping me today and making me laugh at work for who even knows how long, so thank you.”

Phil looked at Dan’s eyes and smiled a bit, really glad he could made Dan relax and smile more. “You are welcome, Dan. It was nice to see your dimple, it suits you” and with that, Phil poked it, making Dan smile wider than before.

Dan grabbed Phil’s head and kissed him again, now with a smile on his face before whispering, “can we just shut up now? I want you to ravish me right here right now and if you don’t I swear…”

Phil silenced Dan by gripping his hips and grabbing Dan closer to his body, giving him another open mouthed kiss.

At least Dan was glad he had fulfilled his fantasy of having sex with one of the attractive models on the dressing room bench. And on the floor. And on his bed days later. And on their new house kitchen countertop a few years later on…

anonymous asked:

i need the fish boy angst

you fuckin asked for it so here you go

don’t worry, it won’t end like this. expect part 2 tomorrow.



Dan smiled as Arin stuck his tongue out at an exasperated Ross. “Stop it, Ross. You know he’s not gonna let you touch his tail.”

“But you get to! And Suzy did once!” Ross whined, throwing up a rude finger at Arin, who fumbled as he returned the gesture. Dan was certain Arin didn’t know what it meant, but imitated Ross out of habit.

“Yeah, well, we’re trained in that sort of thing. If he doesn’t want you to touch it, there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Ross rolled his eyes as Arin smirked and drifted on the top of the water, flicking his tail a bit too hard and splashing Ross. He sputtered.

“Why you–! Dammit, now I’m soaked.”

“Go change,” Dan said, trying to hide his laughter and failing. Arin grinned at him, a sharp tooth sticking out.

Just as Ross left the lab, Suzy and Adam came hurrying in. Adam immediately rushed over to his desk and started sorting papers, and Suzy walked over to Dan and Arin. Arin noticed her tenseness and frowned, his ear fins pulling back.

Dan’s brows creased. “What’s wrong?”

“He’s coming,” Suzy blurted, eyes darting between Dan and Arin. “Mr. Fischbach. The director. He’ll be here any minute for a status report. Brian just warned me.”

“He’s supposed to schedule appointments,” Dan spat, already angry. “He treats Arin like–like a thing.”

“Doesn’t matter. Dan, we need to–”

“I know.” His tone was clipped. Arin, who didn’t really understand what was happening but knew it was upsetting Dan, leaned over the side of the tank, pressing his lips together. His scared eyes met Dan’s and he sighed.

“Don’t worry, Arin. It’s a routine inspection. They can’t hurt you.” Despite Dan’s reassuring words, Arin picked up on his tense shoulders and tired eyes. He shrank back, suddenly afraid for the first time since he’d come to the lab.

Suzy noticed, as Dan’s demeanor was not exactly comforting, and smiled up at the merman. “It’s going to be fine, Arin. We’re prepared. It’s not fun, but it’s just something we have to do.”

Arin blinked, looking like he wanted to say something, but then they heard the door open. He swam off faster than either of them could react.

“Dr. Avidan? Dr. Berhow?” The cold, analytic voice of Director Fischbach echoed around the room. He stepped inside, wearing his usual dark suit and tie. His hair was combed to perfection except for one curl poking out over his forehead. Glasses were perched at the end of his nose. Despite his short stature, he was an intimidating man and his dark eyes assessed the empty tank silently.

“Welcome, Director,” Suzy managed, walking over to greet him while Dan tried to calm down and act normal. “Are you here to see our latest reports? We’ve had significant success with the subject lately.”

Suzy’s tone strained with the word subject, but if the director noticed, he gave no indication. “No, Dr. Berhow. I’m here to see the subject for myself.”

Dan unfroze. “Unfortunately, he’s not appearing at the moment, sir. Perhaps you’d like–”

“Then call him,” the director interrupted, looking directly at Dan. “Surely you’ve tamed it by now? Can’t you call it?”

Dan didn’t even realize his fists were clenched until Suzy gave him a warning look. “I-I can try.” Dan hated this. He knew Arin would come if he called. He always did.

Dan turned stiffly and climbed up to the platform, all while the director’s eyes followed him. Reaching the top, he perched there for a split second too long before calling quietly, “Arin. Arin, could you come here, please?”

There was a tense moment when Dan thought Arin wouldn’t come and was filled with relief, until he saw the familiar pink glint and Arin’s brown eyes suddenly popped up from underwater, looking at Dan questioningly. “Yes, Dan?”

Mr. Fischbach’s steps echoed in the room as he walked over to the tank, looking up at Arin. “I see. So it is true. It’s real.”

Arin’s fins moved nervously as he looked down at the director, then at Dan. “Dan?”

Dan swallowed thickly. “Arin, this is Director Fischbach. He’s in charge of this facility. Please be respectful.”

Arin looked confused, turning to look back down at the director, who was assessing Arin like he was an article up for auction. “A director? What’s that?”

“Spin around, merman,” the director said suddenly. When Arin just blinked at him, he snapped his fingers, impatient. “Doesn’t it obey? I said, turn around.”

Arin’s eyes hardened, but reluctantly, he turned fully so Mr. Fischbach could look him over. “Hm. Definitely odd. You’re performing all areas of study on the subject, Dr. Avidan?”

Arin blinked, looking over at Dan. “The…subject?”

Dan’s hands knotted into his coat. “Yes, sir.”

“Including electroshock responses?”

Another squeeze. “Yes, sir.”

“Hold on,” Arin said, and Dan’s heart almost stopped. “Who are you exactly, and why are you acting like Dan’s been slacking off? He works hard. Leave him alone.”

There was a beat of silence. Then:

“You are nothing more than a mindless fish we’re studying. It would benefit you to watch your tongue and obey like the animal you are.”

Arin stared down at the director. Several emotions passed over his face, including shock, anger, hurt, and confusion. Finally, he looked over at Dan, his voice cracking. “I’m…a mindless animal?”

Dan wanted to scream. He wanted to hold Arin tightly and reassure him that he was smarter than anyone and nothing was further than the truth. He wanted to tell him how lovely and creative and intelligent he was. But saying anything would betray the unprofessional way they’d been treating him, and he’d be moved to another lab. Dan couldn’t stand the thought of losing him.

So he lied.

“You’re an observation.”

Suzy flinched, and the director nodded approval. “I can see the experiments are going well, doctor.”

Arin had frozen. He stared back at Dan, his eyes impossibly large and emotionless. His ear fins jerked once, and his mouth opened, his voice cracking.

“Could an observation save your life?”

The words drilled into Dan, but nothing could hurt him more than the tears starting to form on the sides of Arin’s eyes. Nothing made him cry. Arin didn’t cry. Yet…

A single tear broke from the side of his face, and Dan’s resolve almost broke. He reminded himself that this was for Arin’s protection. He had to keep Arin here. Who knew what the other labs would do to him.

Arin turned away and swam off, leaving just a bit of saltwater spraying a few drops onto Dan’s face. He reached up to wipe them away robotically.

“Excellent work so far, both of you,” the director spoke from where he was looking over Suzy’s notes, snapping Dan out of his trance. “Keep it up, I want more detailed reports on the subject’s pain threshold soon.”

With that, the director swept out of the lab, and Suzy collapsed into her desk chair, her head in her hands. Adam turned to look at Dan, who was staring down into the water from his perch on the platform, unmoving.

“Dan?” Adam asked quietly. “Are you okay?”

Dan blinked, turning to look at Adam. With a jolt, the intern realized tears were sliding down Dan’s face.

Dan laughed brokenly. “I’m fine. He gets to stay here. We pulled it off.”

The misery in Dan’s voice said otherwise. Adam looked at Suzy, who was wiping back tears of her own. “Dan’s right. Arin can stay, so that’s what matters.” Her tone hardened. “We’ll explain it to Arin. He can’t–he doesn’t…”

A tense silence stretched in the lab. Excusing himself, Adam went to find Ross, and Suzy turned back to her computer, ignoring the tearstains on her face.

Dan stayed sitting on the platform for the rest of the day, staring at the water where he’d seen Arin’s desolate face disappear until it grew dark.

He never said a word.

where the years went i can’t say

word count: ~1000

title is from Across the Great Divide by Frank Solivan, as heard in the Pride soundtrack. 

also available on AO3

“Will you miss this hallway Dan?” Phil asks, standing behind Dan’s head to film him upside down. He’s seen him like this too many nights to count, more than he would have liked. Yet he kind of is genuinely sad this staple of living will never again repeat itself - unless the process of moving makes Dan especially crisis-y, which is very possible.

“I mean, where else will I lie to contemplate death?” Dan asks. “It’s just such a perfect, long, bleak corridor to lie facedown on.”

Phil laughs, “I don’t know!” he replies, genuinely thinking about it. There are no such narrow corridors in their new place. It’s open, light. There’s no space that automatically lends itself to such a state of mind.

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Use The Spare Bedroom

Summary: Phil starts bringing boys home. Dan starts tweeting song lyrics. 

Word Count: 3436

A/N: List of songs referenced at the end. 

It started one Friday night. Dan was sprawled out on the couch. Laptop up and open to tumblr. He was settled for the night.

Then Phil came out of his room. He was in black jeans and a button up shirt.

‘I’m going out with some friends from uni.’ He announced.

'Oh.’ Dan took a few moments to process the information. 'Since when?’

'About forty-five minutes ago. I got a message and I thought why not?’

'Why not.’ Dan echoed.

'So… I’m not sure how late we’ll be out. Don’t wait up for me.’


Dan didn’t normally get to bed until about 2am on a normal night. He sort of thought he would see Phil come in before he headed off to retire for the night. But at 1.30am when he was heading off there was still no sign of Phil whatsoever.

He was woken up at 3am to the sound of a door slamming.

'Sshh.’ Followed by a giggle. 'My roommate is asleep.’

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In Another Life - Secrets


summary: a chaptered fic made up of a series of smutty oneshots taking place in the pastel!dan and punk!phil alternate universe

genre: smut

warnings: in this particular oneshot - masturbation, toys, size!kink, dirty talk, spanking, slight praise!kink, double penetration

word count: 3490 ((ky is back ayOOOOOOOOO))

a/n: this was beta’ed by the lovely holly and i hope you all enjoy this! it was really fun writing this and i just hope you all like it because so much effort was put into this you have no idea. like literal research on aftercare because it’s important. okay yes i’m gonna go before this gets too long, but here here another continuation of my pastel/punk series! <3

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Please Don't Bite

A/N: so a majority of you guys picked ‘bite’ by troye sivan! and i’m gonna try my best to make this good for everyone. this is probs gonna be short because I fail as a writer lmao. Also for anyone who lives in LA as well as Hershey, Pennsylvania, imma be visiting in September so it would be cool if you could recommend some nice (cheap) things for me and the fam to do lmao thank (or like, even some good places to eat, if you haven’t already ☺)

Pairing: Dan x Reader (might make a phan version who knows, it’ll be the exact same, just different people lmao)

Song(s) Used: Bite - Troye Sivan (💛💛)

Word Count: 773 words (Soz it’s pretty shit and I also say the word vulnerable about 500 times lmao)

Genre: fluff + mentions of smut 😏

Dans P.O.V

“Why don’t you come back to my place?” she whispered in my ear sensually as her fingers daintily run down my arm, sending shivers down my spine. I can feel her warm breath hitting my ear giving me chills in a good way.

There’s something about going home with a girl that makes me feel vulnerable. It’s not something that I would usually do, but I really wanna do it now. I guess maybe I’m scared, I’m scared I can get hurt by this, I don’t know how, but I’m scared; once I’m involved, I can get hurt, and I don’t want to get hurt.

I nod my head, with slight hesitance but also with excitement. With that, she takes my hand, and we walk out of the club into a taxi that waits outside the club. And then the nerves hit me even more, I don’t know what I should do, should I just sit in silence? Or talk to her, get to know her, considering we’re about to have drunk sex, I should probably get to know her, right?

God I’m really nervous. Why am I so nervous? We probably won’t even remember anything in the morning, so why should I worry about it? ‘because this is something you never do, Dan…’ That thought just echoed in my mind, this is something I never do.

"Are you okay, Dan?” She questions casually, as if nothing worries her, like she doesn’t have a care in the world. God I wish I could feel the way she does right now.

"Yeah, I’m okay, why wouldn’t I be okay?” I nervously laughed. She kinda just nodded as if to see 'lolk’.

The only thing thats currently going through my head is 'why are you doing this?’ 'dan, this is something you never do’ the anxiety of all of it eventually got to me, and i contemplated jumping ot of the moving taxi right then and there, but I didn’t. I started thinking about this differently. 'yeah, its a one night stand, but this is an oppurtunity to finally get out of this dry spell.’

As I was just sitting there, thinking about how everything was gonna play out, we had finally showed up to her flat. I offered to pay for the taxi, like the gentleman I am, but she refused to let me pay. We quickly negotiated by splitting the cab fee in half.

Once we exited the cab (y/n) took my hand and led me inside, and the nerves started kicking in more. But, it almost looked like she was awkward and nervous, and didn’t know what to do. 'Come on Dan, do something exhilarating for once in your boring life.’ So I did. I made the first move and started kissing her.

And after that everything started to escalate, and we were in her bedroom, stripping down to our bare bodies, lost in lust and one thing on our minds, sex. Lost in lust but yet still so damn vulnerable. And now it feels like everything is happening in slow motion. I loved that feeling of everything happening in slow motion, but I can’t explain why, it’s just one of those things.

Her words and moans are echoing in my mind, her, moaning my name as if it’s the last time she’ll ever say it, singing my name, she sounds vulnerable, but I guess that’s what sex is about.

And at the end, I feel like I’m in ecstasy. I look over at her as we finish and flash her a smile. She comes closer to me and kisses me, but this time it feels different. There’s no feeling of lust behind it, but a feeling of happiness.

'Kiss me on the mouth and set me free, but please don’t bite…’

Why Can't You See

Summary: Dan thought that Phil loved him. Now Dan’s falling apart and Phil can’t see that he’s fading.

Warnings: tw, self harm, blood, unrequited love, mentions of sex, bad writing

Words: 999 (I kid you not)

A/N: I’m sorry



Drops of ink. Drops of blood.

Dan couldn’t tell where one started and the other ended.

The black smudged and blurred the red. Around Dan’s page. Around Dan’s mind. Around Dan’s heart. The colours twisting and blurring to spell out a single word.


Dan rubbed angrily at his eyes, the red of his eyelids being squished into the black of nightmares

Phil laughing.

Phil smiling.

Phil happy.

With someone else.

Upon hearing another moan through the wall. Dan carved two lines into the dual white canvases.

One in ink. One in blood

As the black began to lull Dan with whispers of a dreamless sleep, Dan reflected on what Phil was.


Phil was everything

Funny, joyful, caring, smart-


Selfish. Phil was selfish. Dan decided.

Phil was the one in his bedroom fucki-no making love to his boyfriend. While Dan, his best friend and ex-fuckbuddy was sat alone in his bedroom, slowly letting his love drain out through ink and his life drain out through blood.

The first time had only been an accident. Both of them at a New Year’s party and loaded up on god knows what. 30 seconds to midnight and everybody else already coupled up, they had no choice.

Until the New Year’s kiss quickly tuned into something hungrier, more primal and deeper which ended in them whispering sweet nothings into the night’s air until the dawn sent them scurrying back to their own room, their lips tingling and their hearts pounding.

The second time was a bit more skeptical. They were less drunk, under less pressure, however that didn’t stop it from being any less intense, less memorable, less real than the first.

The third time was downright inexcusable. They weren’t drunk at all, alone in the house with their TV blaring out the credits of the last episode of their latest anime.

Although neither of them protested as hands found bodies and lips found lips.

That morning after, Dan and Phil had decided to settle their arrangement. Fast, easy and quality sex was what they decided on. Fast, easy and quality sex with no strings attached

Dan just assumed that was a cover for their true relationships. After all, platonic friends with benefits didn’t cuddle in bed whispering sweet nothings into the other’s ear. Platonic friends with benefits did not quickly steal lingering kisses while cooking dinner or watching a movie. Platonic friends with benefits did not act like anything more than just friends anywhere outside the bedroom.

And so Dan was happy.

Until he wasn’t.

Until Adam had been assigned to be the technician of the Internet Takeover.

Dan still remembered the evening when Phil burst into the lounge, smiling a smile that usually only Dan could make him wear. “It went brilliantly! We exchanged numbers and I’m going to see him again on Thursday. ”

Phil had then retired to the other end of the sofa, smiling while tapping away on his phone and Dan had forced a smile and tried to ignore the rip in his heart.

On Thursday, Phil had brought Adam home and Dan had carved the first line into his arm.

And Phil didn’t notice.

Dan started to wear long sleeves which covered his lower arms, even though the days were starting to get warmer.

And Phil still didn’t notice.

And that’s when Dan realised that even though Phil was the centre of Dan’s universe.

Dan wasn’t the centre of his.

Fourteen red lines were drawn that night.

Dan was fading. He could feel it. Blackness was eating away at the edges of his vision. His pounding lifeblood was seeping out of the artwork covering his canvas of a body. Dan felt light, light and numb. Perhaps that was what prompted him to call out Phil’s name.

The noises stopped, soon replaced by angry muttering which kept fading in and out of focus as Dan fought to stay conscious.

“Dan… I’m sort of busy right now. Is it urgent?”

Is it urgent. Dan had a wild urge to laugh. He was dying. Dan Howell was dying and Phil had asked whether or not it was urgent.

Dan’s lips felt bloated and heavy as he called out the only word he seemed to be able to say.


It was silent for a few moments before Dan heard a barely audible sigh float into his ears.

“Dan.” the voice sounded annoyed, snappy “Dan, I’m with Adam right now. If it’s urgent then say so. If not then please can you leave us be?”

Us. The word echoed around Dan, amplifying the call of the black void surrounding him, engulfing him. And Dan can only wonder when us stopped meaning Dan and Phil and started meaning Phil and Adam.

Every movement, every thought was almost too much of an effort, yet a final word was dragged from Dan’s lips. He needed to hear him, needed to see him for the last time.

“Phil.” Dan eyes fluttered shut as his life soaked into the bedsheets in a vivid shade of crimson.

“Dan.” the voice is icy now, as cold as the night sea. “Please shut up.”

Shut up . The two words stab and twist cruelly at his heart. Dan feels like he is drowning. Shut up, shut up. Phil doesn’t love him, maybe he never has. Maybe Dan has assumed too much, believes try had something. Shut up, shut up Dan doesn’t have the energy left to cry, he can feel his heartbeat irregularly pounding and fading. Dan lets a harsh laugh bubble its way past his lips and when did he get so tired.

Shut up, shut up . Dan can feel the blackness tugging and pulling and attempting to detach his soul from his body. His body marked in so many ways by Phil. Phil’s love- no Phil’s pleasure, Phil’s betrayal and Phil’s faults.

Shut up. Shut up.

Dan is almost gone. He can feel himself slowly fading away, his mind curiously blank and somehow he manages to ignore the deep ache from where his heart should be.

Unbidden, a final word slips past Dan’s lips.


And Dan gives up.


A/N: You all still alive out there? You there at the back, alive? Barely? Good enough.

I’m still in shock about this but this fic has been nominated for a phanfic award in the emotional wreck category! (guys I am a barely known author with shitty writing and an even shittier personality but god do I love you all so much, all of you are amazing) 

Read the sequel here


I’ve just hit 100 followers (none of which are porn blogs luckily) so I’d like to thank all you lovelies!

@greyskiesandcats @fluffypawshowell @pepperysloth @phancakeshowellester @galactiicpup @fairlyathleticjishwas @shooting-hearts @hereforthefallfob @puppypatrick @cloudyofchanges @wettingmaster @im-trash-and-proud1 @danieloddle @phantasticallytrashy @pastelcrafties @officialwilfordwarfstache @treblejess @roryonice @iiiim-ethan @vooma-is-gay @huhpotatoes @muckytears @colorfulnightmarepost @raybayne @blaine-booth @winston-the-praying-mantis @satans-fire-cock @spacedusthowlter @show-me-our-faulted-stars @etherealphaniel @sunkenship69 @thebestthingisphil @softpetal-dan @madd09 @ckienn @brigit-is-the-problem-here @fawnsean @septicworld @its-veinsoffire-stuff @moveimgayy @non-functioning @party-cat-poison @phanqueen17 @imasdeepasakidspool @weissshnee @rhisepticpatronus @k-emikatt @wallflowerlisa @thebookofmadisonisdeadandnothere @nerdydragonwarrior @sabrinatheteenagescumbag @sean-loves-green @softdnp @septic-sloth @hufflepufftrax @daft-obscurity @aestecially-plants @booperdooperladdies @killermess @shitpostiiing @fangirljeffy @thoughtfullyfadingsublime @starlightlesster @illuminati-dan @echoing-night @phanisthetearinmyheart @galaxy-starheart @existentialhouseplant @the-silent-screamer @ask-insanely-unstable-anti @heya789 @craycray4taytay @skyye0-0 @dxnkirkstyles @ask-psychoanti @blue-eyed-boss @foreverrimmortal @dan-andphilshit @sarahlouise6661 @lolly-the-psycho @baibaibitches @blue-tcs @jojisnoodles @septic-heart-and-mind @boopymooplier @samthesepticeye-timthetinybox

Glitter Rush

A simple teenage game of Truth of Dare leads to an interesting evening… A pretty long teen AU Phan oneshot (ft. Anthony and Louise) based on their recent trip to Spain. Enjoy!

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This River Is Wild

Title: This River Is Wild 

Length: ~5k

Summary: Phil decides to attend a show put on by the circus traveling through town. When he stumbles across a boy with brown eyes and bruises, he knows he has to do something.

Warnings: cursing, violence/abuse, mentions of alcohol, Dan and Phil are kids for a large majority of the fic (is that a warning? idk)

Author’s Note: will I ever write a normal phanfic again? here’s to hoping. anyway, here’s a oneshot. it was inspired by the song this river is wild by the killers (though the song and the fic aren’t similar at all so idk how that happened. I still ended up putting song lyrics at the end bc I’m a loser) annnnnnd yeah. I don’t really know what this is but I hope you guys like it anyway.

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i miss her || dan howell imagine

Word Count: 1900+

Warnings: none.

Extra: this is in Dan’s point of view.

        The silence was suffocating. It pressed into Dan, seeping into his brain and causing him to sink even deeper into his mattress. His eyes were delicately closed, his breaths slightly ragged and shallow. His knuckles were white as he clenched onto the sheets of his bed - the only thing that was keeping him from slipping away from reality. He could barely manage to eat, let alone get out of bed or speak. Phil would come in every once in awhile and sit on the foot of his roommate’s bed, trying to get anything out of him, but the damage was already done.

        She had already left, she was gone - and Dan knew she wasn’t coming back. Dan winced at his own thought, wanting to claw at his chest and tell the sinking feeling to leave and to never come back, and that it should go torture another human being. He knew it was all apart of the loss, but it wasn’t helping. It hung over his shoulders, mocking his every move, threatening to crash down on him at any second. When it did, it was almost always suddenly, crushing the air out of his lungs and forcing panic to course through his veins. A cry for help would have no use, as no one could see the weight crushing his ribs.

        He had been like this for almost a week now - but there seemingly was no improvement whatsoever. No matter what he did, he still tried to muffle his sharp sobs at night, not able to fall asleep from his racing mind. After 3 years of loving someone, allowing them in, and trusting them with everything he had, he finally had to let them go. It was a mutual decision, and rightfully one that shouldn’t upset him so much. But despite the fact that she had the liberty of freedom now, and could live out her life just the way she wanted, Dan still spent most of his time going over a list in his mind of things he could’ve done wrong, things he could’ve changed.

        His own insecurities were slowly inching up his body once more. He pointed out almost every flaw in his system whenever his mind was clear enough to give him a chance. To say the very least, he wasn’t broken - but shattered.

        Dan’s eyes darted across the room as he heard a small knock on his door.

        “Dan?” Phil’s voice echoed softly. Dan’s gaze quickly dropped back down onto the floor as soon as he recognized the voice. His chest tightened and he allowed his eyes to close before he spoke.

        "Yes?“ he replied quietly, his voice hoarse and an octave lower from being sleep deprived. The doorknob twisted and the door opened slowly. Phil peeked his head around the corner, his eyes scanning the room before they landed on Dan. A reassuring, small smile twitching the corners of his lips. It was his daily check-in, but to say the very least, Phil knew he looked even worse than before.

        His eyes were sunken in, shades of purple and black settling under his brown irises. His face had sharpened because some days he couldn’t force himself to eat anything. Phil wanted to pull him into a hug, tell him it’ll be alright, get him to a therapist or someone who could help him. But he knew it’d be a long time before Dan would even have a flicker of hope, so he’d be there for him until then.

        Phil pursed his lips into a fine line, leaning against the doorframe, his arms crossed in front of his chest. Dan couldn’t meet his gaze and kept his eyes trained on the floor. The silence was deafening, and he found himself in a trance. He couldn’t seem to attach himself to reality very well anymore, but Phil’s voice slowly drowned out the ringing in his ears and he focused on Phil’s words despite the screaming voices in his head.

        "Dan—"Phil hesitated, pausing abruptly mid-way through his sentence. He tilted his head slightly, trying to muster the courage to voice his thoughts. He sighed softly, furrowing his brow. "Maybe it’s time you talk about it.”

        "You’re insane,“ Dan muttered nonchalantly. His sharp stare was focused on the corner of the room. He balled his hands into fists, digging his nails so sharply into his palms that it broke the skin. His knuckles turned white and he took a shaky breath, allowing his eyes to flutter shut once more.

        "I’m serious, Dan. Let everyone know what’s going on. It could provide some closure for you by getting everything in your mind out - and they care about you. They’re worried." Phil said, making the severity of the situation very evident in his voice. He moved closer to the bedframe, trying to catch Dan’s stare but failing in his attempt. "I’m worried.”

        Dan would’ve replied sarcastically if he had the strength, but all he could do was open his eyes again and feel his heart sink at Phil’s expression. A look of sympathy had soaked his eyes. His nose twitched ever so slightly from the anxiety in his chest, and his eyebrows were furrowed in worry. This was the first time they had gotten into somewhat of a real conversation, and to see Phil this close to him and that upset put everything into perspective for a split second.

        Everything from the past week came reeling back, and he could only manage to nod before he buried his head further into his pillow. His desktop was only across the room. It wasn’t that far. But he knew that the longer he thought about doing a live stream, the longer he’d put it off, so before he could stop the words from flying off his tongue, he spoke.

        “Okay." his voice was nearly inaudible, muffled slightly from the stuffing in his pillow. "I’ll try." Because at least by saying that he’ll try, he isn’t setting himself up for something that he might not accomplish. He isn’t saying with certainty that he’d do it, because how could he? He was a tragic, delicate mess and honestly - it was very hard for even him to imagine pulling himself together enough to do a live show.

        "You can do it. Just keep talking and don’t let the silence bother you, and you’ll be fine. I’ll be in the next room if you need me, alright?" Phil said reassuringly. Before Dan could recognize what was happening, Phil left swiftly, closing the door behind him. He heard his roommate stepping down the hallway into the den, and he took comfort in the fact that Phil would rush in if need be at any given moment.

        Dan looked up enough to eye his monitor, dreading the moment he’d truly have to lift himself up and drag his body over to his chair. He started slowly - opening his eyes and allowing them to adjust to the light. He propped his head up, lifting his body upwards slowly with both elbows sinking into the mattress. He took another deep breath before raising to a sitting position, leaning his weight back on his hands. He ignored how drained he already felt, and instead threw his legs over the edges of his bed and shuffled across the room to his desk.

        Lowering himself into his chair, he turned on his desktop and signed into his profile. His eyes darted across the screen like a child filled with curiosity, and it didn’t take him long to pull up a new tab to his YouNow page. Before he could allow his anxiety to venture even further into his brain and make him hesitate, he pressed ‘broadcast’. Dan stared at the screen. It was the first time he had really paid attention to his appearance. He looked incredibly different - and as the viewer count steadily rose - it was clear he wasn’t the only one who noticed the sudden change in his looks.

        A minute had passed in silence, and the chat box filled with concerned messages. He was sitting there, tired of almost everything, and the last thing he wanted to do was speak about what was bothering him so deeply. His pulse raced and his bottom lip pouted at the idea of her. All of the good memories made him glance down in his lap as he fiddled with his fingers, fighting back tears.

        "I know the lot of you are concerned." he choked, raising his head to look into the webcam. A quick tear rolled over his waterline and left a silver streak down his cheek as it fell, but he wiped it away quickly with the back of his palm. "And I’m here to explain why I’ve been inactive lately.”

        Reality slammed into him like a brick wall, and in that moment, he knew what was happening, what he was about to do, where he was, and what he was saying. This was the most vulnerable he had ever been, and the fact that he was opening up to thousands of people as he spoke was enough to make him want to crawl back into bed.

        "We broke up. And as you can see - it really hasn’t left the best effect on me.“ Dan said, forcing himself to chuckle in an attempt to cover the pain in his voice. He knew if he frowned for even one more second that he’d start to sob, and he didn’t want to do that, so all he could do was flash a fake smile to keep himself from panicking. “I don’t have the right to be upset. It was a mutual agreement. She’s on her own again, and that was best for her. She’s happier this way. And I should be happy too.”

        Dan kept on talking, trying to distract himself in his thoughts to keep from letting out a cry sharp enough to cut through anything. His voice faltered as he spoke. His eyes were glass orbs as he continued to hold his breath, hoping the tears would disintegrate. The people who were watching began to get more frantic at the site of the broken man they were watching.

        "But I can’t sleep. And I can’t eat or move or drink and I can’t seem to do anything because the only things I can think about is how happy she made me. I mean - look at me. Is this who I am? Who I should be?“

        The desperate tone in his voice would be enough to allow anyone to sink into deep thought. His eyes widened and his eyebrows raised as he gestured to himself.

        "No, of course not. But that’s how it is. This is who I am now. It’s not something you can just forget about. She meant so much to me, and she still does, but sometimes I wonder if she’s as upset as I am in this moment. I go through my head almost every day about the things I could’ve done differently, everything that could’ve lead up to the moment that she cut off all ties.”

        At this point, tears were running down freely, but he had no intentions of wiping them away. There was no point in hiding them, and even if he did try, they’d just be replaced anyway. His eyes were bloodshot and his voice still hoarse, but his heart pounded in his chest as he forced out the last three words in his mind.

        "I miss her.“ he sobbed, leaning forward and burying his head in his hands. It was more than crying that Dan was doing, it was the kind of desolate cries that came from someone drained of all hope. His breathing hitched as he gave away to the enormity of his sadness, feeling the tears between his fingers.

        ”I miss her so much.“

I Want To Shout It From The Rooftops

Summary: In which keeping their relationship a secret is proving too difficult, and one is wishing for change.

Genre: Fluff / Songfic

Song: Secret Love Song, Pt. II

Warnings: Elements of angst, minor mention of alcohol

Word Count: 4.3k

Read on ao3

A/N: So here is my (long overdue) collab with the super lovely @galaxyhowlter

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A Wizard’s Misgivings: Chapter 3

Summary:Dan Howell’s entire family has been in Slytherin, and there’s no doubt he’d supposed to end up there too. Phil Lester does’t exactly know what to do when he finds himself liking boys, so he’s usually just horrendously mean to them. 

Word Count: 4.8k

SW (squick warning!! i’ve learned that we’re not supposed to be saying trigger so casually): a scrape on a knee due to falling on a rock

link to masterlist and next chapter

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