dan dringle

Upset that you never get invited to holiday barbecue?  Me too!  

Don’t worry, friend, because the WEBER GENESIS E-310 GAS GRILL is here to change all that!  This is the new benchmark for luxury outdoor grilling technology so throw you own barbeque and have them come to you!  

This optional liquid propane or natural gas grill can reach tempuratures of up to 38,000 BTU giving your backyard the cooking power of a restaurant kitchen, there’s no way anybody wouldn’t RSVP with a confident “Yes!” to a holiday barbeque at my house, especially after they see those handmade invitations I spent all night making written on the back of the court stenographers’ transcription of my most recent custody proceedings!

Daddy loves you, David.

I can’t wait until I see the look on my neighbors faces when they get a bite of those tasty burgers I’m going to be grilling up on those porcelain-enameled cast iron cooking grates.

If there’s two things I know how to do well, it’s grilling and fucking and trust me when I say that you’re going to need a Wet-Nap after both.  

Maybe you sent a special invitation to a special woman.  Maybe it’s someone you’ve had a secret crush on for many months now.  Maybe it’s your son David’s piano teacher, Ms. Bebe Ann Dunbarr?  Is it?  Well, a gentleman never tells so it looks like I’m going to have to plead the fifth on that one.

Beethoven’s fifth that is!

I am totally having sex with my son David’s piano teacher.  We recently made love on top of David’s practice baby grand. I fucked her from behind through a tear in her stockings until the sweat from my animal ramming made the eye make-up stream down her face and I pressed the back of her head into my 600 thread count sheets to reveal an inky fuck Rorschach blot painted with the warpaint of our sexuality.  

I told her I thought it looked like a butterfly and then we came loud enough to make God remember we still exist.

I know she’ll never respect me but I’m going to fuck her until she loves me and I cannot wait to break her heart.  

Happy Fourth of July, America.  Keep your prick veins rigid with the red blood of FREEDOM. 

- Dan Dringle

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Microsoft brings video games in to the future with KINECT for the Xbox 360.   The new KINECT sensor means no controller required!.  This game revolution works on groundbreaking body recognition technology letting you dive in to an immersive game play experience like never before.

I know you must have questions.

Dan, how does the KINECT sensor work?

Dan, how much does KINECT cost?

Dan, what is Hell like?

There is no God.  There is no Devil.  There is no afterlife and there is no Heaven.  But as certain as I am that this cock sized line of cocaine and Vicodin isn’t going to snort itself, I am certain that there is a Hell.

Hell does exist and while it may not be a place you go to in the afterlife, it IS a place you go when you die.   The thing is your heart doesn’t have to stop beating for you to be dead.

You can walk and talk and smile and nod.  Walk your dog and chat with your mailman.  That doesn’t mean you’re not dead. That doesn’t mean that on the inside you’re not as lifeless and full of toxic rot as any other body decomposing in an airtight box under overly manicured earth.  

Hell is having 20/20 vision but the only thing you are able to see with any focus is your failures.  

Hell is looking into the mirror and being surprised by the man staring back at you, not because you’re shocked at how gaunt and weathered your face has become, but at how far it still has to go to catch up with what’s inside your shit barnacled, idiot heart.  

Hell is the sound of your impotent rage being swallowed by your cowardice.

Hell is knowing the flaws and weakness you abhor is the only thing you recognize about yourself anymore.

Hell is your regret.  

Hell is your shame.

Hell is what you’ve earned with your life wasted and Hell is what you deserve.

I’ll see you in the fucking ground.

- Dan Dringle

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Got tired aching feet from carrying around 228 lbs. of sin and shit for the last 53 years?  Not anymore, thanks to Dr. Scholl’s Custom Fit Orthotic Inserts.

The patented new CradleFlex support system is expertly designed to support and stabilize the arch of your foot, minimizing the impact of every painful step as you pace from one airport terminal to the next throughout this never ending series of layovers that is your perdition.

No matter what city, what airport, what flight it’s always the same day to you.

You drink airport Bloody Mary’s until you can’t muster the blood flow to your sad pitiful prick to finally give yourself that first class lavatory jerk job you’ve been dreaming of every since your plane reached cruising altitude.

Cumming in turbulence is like fucking the mouth of God.  

A momentary release so intense you forget the fact that you are no longer legally allowed to be a father to your son.  

I love you, David.  

You clean up the mess of you sour depravity with your Sky Mall catalogue and snort a line of the crushed Oxycontin you snuck through the security check point inside a travel sized bottle of Johnson’s Baby Powder in your toiletry bag and get back in your seat. 

You lean your seat back to sleep.

You pray that the plane crashes before you wake.

You know that if the 117 other souls on this Delta flight knew what was really in that blood shit pump you call a heart they would gladly sacrifice their lives to know that a person like you was no longer in this world.  

See you at baggage claim. 

- Dan Dringle

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Domino’s Pizza® unveils it’s mouthwatering new Artisan Pizzas and tastebuds all over America could not be happier.  New robust sauces, earthy fresh vegetables and premium meats top a hand stretched artisan-style crust and are cooked to perfection and delivered right to your door even if your door isn’t your door anymore.  

Even if your door is now the door is now your estranged wife’s door in the house you paid for that she now shares with her new boyfriend, Trevis.  (It’s like “Travis” but with an “e.”)

You want to hate him.  But you don’t.  

Sure, you could hate him for his stupid fucking name.  The name Travis is already gayer than ironing your blue jeans.

Sure, you could hate him for fucking your wife but you haven’t been able to do that for years.  Not in the way she wanted.  Not in the ways that she deserved.  

Sure, you could hate him because he’s black, and we all know how you feel about that, but then you found out that he’s from England and you have to give him a break. You’d take three British blacks for every one of our American blacks.

Sure, you could hate him for all the time he spends with your son, David, but you don’t.  Trevis is good to him.  He listens to him and teaches him things and makes him feel strong and confident.  Makes him feel like the world isn’t such a scary place.

In the last six months Trevis has already raised David into being a better man that you are.

You don’t hate Trevis because you know that even if he hadn’t replaced you in your home you would have left by now anyway.

You never finish what you start.  You can’t even finish this Artisan Pizza you ordered from Dominos.

It’s crust is 13 X 9 inches.  Just like Trevis’ fat dick.

Go fuck yourself.

-Dan Dringle.

Taco Bell unleashes the new Triple Steak Stack, a soft warm flatbread with their patented Three-Cheese Blend over a Triple Portion of 100% USDA Select Marinaded Grilled Steak and…

…Is this some kind of joke?  

Is it?  

Is this some kind of joke, Theresa?  

Was covering my passport in cocaine residue just before I left for my business trip in Mexico supposed to be funny?  Was it?  I bet you’re laughing so hard you’re soaking your soggy swamp bog cunt in gin piss right now.  

I’m glad you think it’s funny.  Border patrol sure thought it was funny.  I’m being held at a patrol station right across the border.  I can’t see because there are no windows, but I know Mexico is right outside my window because the air smells like black bean ass beefs and laziness.   

You should see the bathroom here. Fucking disgusting.  Let me ask you a question, which of the following has a higher probability of actually happening: me building my own time machine to go back and fuck Madeline Stowe in the asshole on the set of Twelve Monkeys, or a single one of these Mexican inbred pickled pepper dick retards using a toilet without pissing on the seat?  

I’ve been in and out of consciousness for the better part of the last twelve hours.  Have you ever been kicked so hard in the mouth by a Tejano border patrol officer that you swallowed a fused three-unit porcelain metal dental bridge.  It felt like I was shitting out a crumbled Mountain Dew can.  

If Texas is the asshole of the United States, Mexico is the anal fissure of America itself.  A violent tear in Lady Liberty’s already battered and bruised brown eye.  

I can hear them chattering outside.  They’re talking about having me prosecuted in Mexico, Theresa.  IN MEXICO!  They are going to lock me away in some dark Mexican dungeon and force me to eat their semen for breakfast and other meals!

THAT IS UNLESS SOMEONE CAN GET THEIR FAT ASS OVER HERE TO SHOW THEM FURTHER LEGAL DOCUMENTATION THAT I AM WHO I SAY I AM SO YOU HAD BETTER GET THAT SWEAT PANT COVERED GARBAGE BAG OF BABY FOOD YOU CALL AN ASS ON THE FIRST PLANE TO THIS BACKWARDS TEXAS BORDERTOWN TO GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BECAUSE IF I HAVE TO SPEND ONE MINUTE MORE THAN I HAVE TO SMELLING THE CURDLED SOUR CREAM BREATHE OF THESE PEOPLE I WILL FINALLY FUCKING KILL YOU, THERESA!  

DO YOU HEAR ME!?!

I will kill you. 

I will kill you.

I will kill you.

- Don Diego de la Dringle

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