damn riddles

mine-(s); how the grand canyon was created

Sediment is eating the solitude.

A river carries it to the ocean. I followed waves

of salt, but they are folklore. I am not soluble to his sand - he is shaking.

He is a rattlesnake in the American West. This is the same

storybook

where he drew horns and fang teeth on the

face of 

my character. 

.

This is how the grand canyon was 

created: the broken heart of a river flowed,

weeping, for five million years.

.

I tip my hat.

He points his gun.

A sacred reunion as the Colorado River

returns to the sea.

.

Tourists consume the aftermath. 

Cas vs Cass

Sometimes I think to myself that there’s no actual logical reason for Castiel’s nickname to be spelled with those two ‘s’ at the end, because Castiel only has one ‘s’ in it and when do you ever add an extra letter to a nickname that doesn’t appear in the actual name? 

But that’s how the writers have chosen to spell it in the scripts, and how it shows up in Dean’s cell, so the canonical spelling is Cass. 

And then I think to myself of how the vibe on this particular set is so damn riddled with sexual innuendo that I can practically hear the writers giggling at their own joke, as well as the blatant arrow to the gay in the angel, when putting that ‘ass’ in his nickname. (a nickname given to him by Dean, btw) (because Dean’s endgame is admitting to himself he wants Cass) (get it?) (well you’re in on the joke now!) (sorrynotsorry)

when your town's urban legends kinda suck
  • Rebellious Teen: My dad used to tell me this legend about a guy from around these parts who wore a pig-mask and was always carrying a baseball bat. He said that if you saw him, he would give you two riddles. If you got one right, he'd whack you with his bat and chase you off. If you got both right, he'd give you anything you desire. And if you get both wrong, well, you'd become a part of his mask.
  • Lethargic Teen: Wow, so was he like magical?
  • Rebellious Teen: I don't know.
  • Lethargic Teen: I mean, he could give you anything you desire so he has to be kinda magical.
  • Rebellious Teen: That's pretty much implied.
  • Lethargic Teen: Then why'd you say you don't know?
  • Rebellious Teen: I don't know.
  • Lethargic Teen: Also, does making you a part of his mask mean that he like shrinks you down so you're a very tiny person and he tapes you to the mask? Or is it more grisly in that he kills you and takes a patch of your skin to be a part of his mask?
  • Rebellious Teen: I don't know. We didn't come out here to talk about the logistics of this dude. We're here to see if he's real.
  • Lethargic Teen: *yawns* But, he's probably not real.
  • Rebellious Teen: Ugh! I know he's probably not real, but it's creepy and fun to think he is. Have you ever heard of fun?
  • Lethargic Teen: If I wanted to have creepy fun, I'd be at home playing Resident Evil which I much prefer to standing out here in these smelly woods.
  • Rebellious Teen: Can you chill for like two seconds and maybe enjoy your time out instead of being so damn pedantic?
  • Lethargic Teen: I don't even know what pedantic means. I'm legitimately too dumb to know.
  • *sound of footsteps on grass*
  • Rebellious Teen: Shit! Hide! *pushes lethargic teen beneath the bushes and peaks out to see who's coming*
  • Lethargic Teen: It sucks down here.
  • Rebellious Teen: *whispering* Shut the fuck up.
  • Lethargic Teen: You have a fat ass. Have we known each other for long enough that I can casually call your ass fat in a non-sexual way. Because you have a really fat ass and I'm only just noticing now.
  • Rebellious Teen: If you don't shut the fuck up right now, I'm going to literally choke you to death. But thanks. My ass is fat.
  • Pig-Mask: *walks by dragging a baseball bat attached to a leash behind him*
  • Rebellious Teen: Oh, fuck. He's real.
  • Lethargic Teen: It's probably just some guy dressed like him.
  • Rebellious Teen: I'm going to confront him!
  • Lethargic Teen: You're gonna get killed maybe. I don't know.
  • Rebellious Teen: *hops out of the bushes* Hey, pig-mask!
  • Pig-Mask: *slightly glances behind him* ...Oh, bother.
  • Rebellious Teen: I know all about you. So... uhh...
  • Pig-Mask: Can we just get this over with. I want to go home.
  • Rebellious Teen: Uhm.
  • Lethargic Teen: *crawls out of the bushes*
  • Rebellious Teen: What do I do?
  • Lethargic Teen: Iunno. You're the one who knows the legend.
  • Rebellious Teen: Yeah, but the legend doesn't really say how you're supposed to go about confronting the guy.
  • Pig-Mask: Oh yeah, I'm supposed to ask you guys two questions.
  • Lethargic Teen: Two questions each?
  • Pig-Mask: I'm really tired so you guys can share two. One for each of you.
  • Rebellious Teen: I'm fucking fired-up! Shoot those damn riddles at me! I don't care! I'm not afraid of you!
  • Pig-Mask: Please don't yetll. Here is my first riddle: Who is the uhh... what is... uhm... what day is it?
  • Lethargic Teen: Wednesday.
  • Pig-Mask: Hmm... is that right? *looks down at baseball bat* Is today Wednesday?
  • Baseball Bat: *wan* *wan*!
  • Pig-Mask: Yeah, today's Wednesday. Congratulations you got it right.
  • Lethargic Teen: That wasn't a riddle.
  • Rebellious Teen: Seriously, that was just a super easy question.
  • Pig-Mask: Oh, bother... I guess your second test will have to be a riddle. Oh, bother. Let me get out my riddle book. *digs in his pants* Bother, bother, bother, bother... here we go.
  • Pig-Mask: *opens his tiny book* Okay, so... this one's not good. This one is kind of racist. I don't think this one is in English. Whatever. *tosses book* Here is your second riddle. What day is it?
  • Rebellious Teen: You asked that already!
  • Pig-Mask: Yeah, I did. Sorry... I guess. *sighs*
  • Lethargic Teen: *yawn* This guys sucks.
  • Rebellious Teen: Yeah, dude! You really fucking suck!
  • Pig-Mask: Sorry, my dad was a lot cooler. I have depression and anxiety and stuff. I haven't really been in any sort of mood recently, y'know. Feels like nothing even matters anymore.
  • Rebellious Teen: It really was a waste of time coming out here. Come on. Let's go home.
  • Lethargic Teen: Finally, can you carry me there?
  • Rebellious Teen: Sure, hop in my arms.
  • Lethargic Teen: *hops on up and smooches rebellious teen right on the cheeks* I'm going to pass out in your arms now. *goes limp*
  • Rebellious Teen: Goddamn, you're heavy. Why did I agree to do this? *waddles away*
  • Pig-Mask: Ah, their relationship is so wholesome. I wonder what it feels like to carry another human?
  • Baseball Bat: *wan* *wan*!
  • Pig-Mask: No, like a living human. Also, since when can you bark like a dog and stuff.
  • Baseball Bat: *gone*
  • Pig-Mask: Oh, you weren't real. *cocks head to the side* I wonder where I got this leash from? Just another of the mysteries of the world, I guess.
Liar 7/? (Tom Riddle Jr/Voldemort Imagine)

“Tom, my boy,” Slughorn called merrily, “Please, come right up front.” He waved away two students and they gaped at him before gathering their things and moving, glaring at the two of you as you approached. “Come, come, come,” he beckoned and you stopped shy.

Awkwardly looking around for a spare table, you felt the sudden urge to cry as you realized there were none. “Y/N, up front please.” Slughorn commanded, and you turned without a word, taking your place by Tom’s side.

You could cut the tension with a knife it was so thick and every time you took a breath you felt like you were swallowing it. The class began with a presentation by Professor Slughorn and you forced yourself to concentrate, pretending only you were there - this was your very own personal lesson and no one else existed.

Tapping your fingers impatiently, desperate to begin your lesson so that you could feel distracted, Slughorn explained your practical lesson to you. “Does anyone know what a Shrinking Solution is?”

Slughorn asked the class, but his eyes went straight to Riddle as if expecting him to answer, and so he did. “A Shrinking Solution is a potion that allows the size of a creature’s age to decrease, essentially shrinking. If brewed incorrectly, it can be very poisonous.”

You scowled at Riddle’s pompous tone and gripped the edge of your table, waiting for the next question. If he was going to be such a know-it-all you were going to make sure he knew it all.

“Very good, Tom,” Professor Slughorn praised, “And does anyone know the inventor of this elixer?”

Riddle opened his mouth to respond but you quickly cut in, “Zygmunt Budge.”

Both Riddle and Slughorn turned to you and you couldn’t help the smug smirk that made it’s way onto your face. “That’s right, Y/N. Very good indeed.”

Blinking for a moment and hesitantly facing the class, Slughorn clapped his hands together and motioned for the cauldrons on the size of the room. “Everyone, get your necessary equipment and turn to page 423 of your textbooks.”

Without a moment’s hesitation, Riddle waved his wand in the direction of his cauldron and it raised into the air, gliding over and sitting neatly on the centre of the table. You grumbled and opened your textbook, licking your finger and swiping through the pages until you found the correct one.

“Ingredients,” you hummed, “I’ll gather the ingredients.”

Tom said nothing and you quickly read through the text on the page, “We need two shrivelfigs, four daisy roots, five caterpillars, wormwood, four leeches, a rat speen and a little bit of cowbane - in that order.”

You quickly swept through the crowd of students that gathered to the left of the class where the ingredients lay neatly stacked on a long table. Gathering each ingredient and grimacing at the live creatures in their jars, you turned back to your shared table and glared as you watched Riddle read over the ingredients. He was double-checking.

“Taking a look for yourself, Riddle?” You scowled at him and set each ingredient onto the table next to the cauldron. Riddle raised his eyes to them and gathered the jars, positioning them in a neat line on the edge of the table.

When you gave him a questionable look, he let out an impatient breath through his nose, “Don’t put the jars so close to the cauldron, they’ll get hot and the glass will break.”

Looking away bashfully, you snatched your textbook out of his hands and skimmed through the steps as Tom heated up the cauldron. Inhaling slowly, you turned your attention to each glass jar and grimaced at the sight of all the wriggly creatures inside them.

You cleared your throat and reached across the table, your arm brushing against Tom’s as you grabbed two ripe shrivelfigs without a word. You gripped the kitchen knife and held the first shrivelfig securely between your hand, about to cut it when your partner’s hand shot out to grip your wrist. “What are you doing?”

Narrow eyes glared down at you, and you glared back challengingly, “I’m juicing the figs, what are you doing?”

“That isn’t how you juice shrivelfigs. Give it to me.” He commanded, and you scoffed, “I know how to juice a damn fig, Riddle,” the brunette’s eyes darkened and he tightened his grip on you for a moment before sensing Slughorn’s eyes on him - releasing you.

“Let me show you a more efficient way of juicing them.” Tom’s irritated demeanor changed abruptly and it took you a moment to catch up. You were flattered for about half a second before you realized this wasn’t him trying to be nice to you, this was him putting up a front for prying eyes.

Shoulders slumped, you slowly nodded, “Fine.” The Slytherin’s fingers slid beneath yours to take the shrivelfig and you quickly flinched away, shoving your hand into your robe pocket and suppressing a scream.

A soft prickly creature that you had completely forgotten about wriggled about in your pocket, clutching onto your finger immediately as you tried to raise it back up. The sneaky little leaf-bug gave you two options, either leave your hand in your pocket with it, or pull your hand out and reveal him to all.

“Y/N, pay attention.” Tom ordered and you smiled broadly at him, “Go on.”

The brunette raised a brow at you before he began peeling the shrivelfig, taking away dead skin and exposing the wet, ripe insides of the revolting fruit. You grimaced at the putrid smell and watched as Tom raised the fruit above the cauldron.

“Hold on,” you kicked yourself for speaking but now that Tom was looking your way, you had to continue, “Here.”

Quickly shaking off the Bowtruckle on your hand, you leaned forward and rolled up Tom’s sleeves, folding them securely around his elbows before leaning back, noting the purple tint on his hands. Riddle watched you with dark eyes for a moment longer before squeezing the fig juice into the cauldron.

“Watch the color, Y/N,” Tom ordered and you leaned over the table to inspect the change the liquids within, a dark brownish purple.

Craning your head to the open book, you reached into your robes again, quickly pulling out your wand and pushing the little critter off of it with your finger. It squeaked in protest as you shoved him back into your pocket and you prayed that it wouldn’t emerge.

With the flick of your wrist, the wooden spoon in front of you trembled before clumsily dunking itself into the cauldron and began stirring. Riddle turned up the heat and you patted the text on the page.

“Next we need four daisy roots.” You took the kitchen knife and untied the thread that held the daisy roots together, lining them up and cutting them into fine pieces and dropping them into the cauldron.

Somehow, knowing Riddle’s eyes were on you the whole time made you swell with pride. He hadn’t tried to stop you, he hadn’t said a word - you were doing it right.

You hesitated as you read the next step and contemplated asking Tom to take care of it, but you didn’t want to give him the satisfaction - you didn’t want him to turn on you the second you asked something of him, like last time.

Your heart clenched at the memory, you’d been distracted, so distracted that you had forgotten what Tom had said to you that very morning. Reaching over to grab the jar of caterpillars, you unscrewed the lid and counted them, there were eight.

Cringing, you reached into the jar and picked out the first wriggly, hairy creature you encountered, examining it as it writhed between your index finger and thumb. “Sorry, buddy,”

You dropped one after another into the cauldron, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” you watched them sit on the surface of the water before slowly sinking away into the murky depths.

“They’re just worms, Y/N.” Riddle said condescendingly, “They’re not just worms. I bet if I tossed you into a boiling pot of water you’d probably change your mind then.”

The Slytherin prefect’s jaw flexed and he nodded towards the book, “Next is wormwood leafs, correct?” You hummed as you read through the steps and nodded, “Correct.”

Tom motioned for you to take them and you crossed your arms, “Your turn. I just did the caterpillars.”

“My hands are covered in fig juice. I need to clean them.” Tom countered, and you glared at him before swiping up the dry, green herbs and rolling them between your palms above the cauldron.

Little flakes danced across the surface of your brewing potion and your wand increased it’s speed. Tom approached the front desk and muttered something to Slughorn before turning and leaving the classroom. You gave him an inquisitive look but he simply ignored you as he passed and you sighed. Of course he’d ignore you.

You looked over the instructions one more time and your face turned green. Juice four leeches and add to the mixture.

Turning your gaze slowly to the line of jars, you nearly gagged at the sight. How had you not noticed those dark, blood-red creatures wriggling around among themselves?

You unscrewed the lid and stared into the jar, lip trembling with disgust. “Come on, Y/N. You can do this.” Closing your eyes, you shoved your hand into the jar and picked out the first leech you felt.

It took a few pinches of the tool before you caught it and you started stomping your feet as it wriggled. “Practicing your dance moves, Y/N?” Malfoy called from the row behind you, “That’ll do, Mister Malfoy.” Slughorn scolded and you opened one eye to watch the blonde’s face fall, smirking lightly.

Raising the tweezers and inspecting the leech with squinted eyes, you nearly shrieked as something cold and wet slipped down your back, latching onto your flesh. Looking up at your teacher with wide eyes, you suddenly felt all too light, swaying on your feet - so light that you didn’t even notice Riddle’s return.

“Have you completed the next step?” He inquired and you felt your mouth dry up as he lifted the jar, inspecting its contents. “Apparently not.”

“Riddle,” you started as he picked up the pair of tweezers that you’d dropped. He ignored you as he leaned over, reading the instructions. “Riddle.”

“I’m busy at the moment, Y/N.” The brunette said impatiently and you felt your head swimming. Once more you called to him in a soft whisper, “Tom.”

You caught his attention just as your knees buckled and you fell into him, head hitting him with a hard thud. “Professor,” Riddle called as his arms instinctively opened to catch you.

Classmates crowded around you just as they had the night you’d been hexed and as Tom lowered himself to the ground with you, Slughorn rushed to your side. “Y/N? What’s happened, child?”

“Looks like they faint every time they’re around Tom. Right, Y/N?” Abraxas taunted, arms crossed over his chest. “You want him to catch you?”

“That’s enough, Malfoy.” Slughorn barked, and large hands pulled you into a sitting position, where your head lolled to your front. That’s when they noticed it, a dark, slimy trail that started from the nape of your neck and continued down into your robes.

“Professor, look,” Tom pulled the collar of your shirt away and the potion master’s face paled. “Off with it boy, hurry!” Riddle tore your robe from you and raised your shirt over your back, eyes scanning over several blotches covering your skin and the creatures responsible. Leeches covered your entire back and they swelled with your blood.

Swiping them all away, Slughorn paled as they dropped off of you before standing up with probably the angriest face he’d ever worn.

“I demand to know who is responsible for this!” He bellowed, eyes darting between snickering students. “This is no game - none of you will leave until the perpetrator steps forward!” The man threatened, eyes softening at the sight of his favourite student lifted you, your arm slung over his shoulder.

“I’ll take them to the hospital wing, sir.”

“Let me help.” Offered Malfoy and despite his prior behaviour toward you, Slughorn didn’t protest as the blonde took your other arm and wrapped it around him. With a nod from his gullible Professor, the boys were off and no one saw the proud smirk on Abraxas’ face.

No one but Tom.

Cool. (Edward Nygma x Reader)

Originally posted by gothamfox

Edward and the reader has a game of how the reader can answer all his riddles and like the whole GCPD find it amusing how the reader is answering them and everyones making bets on how long she can last and you can choose how to end it

A/N: I had trouble writing this and I don’t know why.


Y/N went through the hallway and into the bowl pit of the department. “Looks like the man that got shot was a smoker,” Y/N says, squinting her eyes at the photograph in her hands.

Keep reading

Nancy Drew Game Revisions

Here is how I would revise each of the Nancy Drew games! I only put 1 or 2 things for each to leave room for you all to add in your own! Comment below with your additions & feel free to disagree with me!! 

SCK & Remastered: CD CHANGE OH MY GOD. Hey, I can’t knock this game too much. It’s the late 90s. Plus they DID revise it so… (I never actually played it through). Open-ended for the fandom here. Overall, entirely too short.

STFD: MORE. MILLIE. Those damn riddles were pointless imo. Make her an actual relevant character!!!

MHM: Have that tapestry in Nancy’s room never to exist. Then make that zodiac animal puzzle a hotspot that Nancy realizes she needs to look out for. Because you can quickly solve that first puzzle from Abby’s book and then therefore quickly realize that you need to look for Chinese characters. Also eliminate Emily Foxworth.

TRT: Blizzard is such a cop-out. Snow, yes. Blizzard, no. I want to explore outdoors more. The garden!! So! Many! Possibilities!

FIN: Those damn fucking keys at the end sequence. The end. Bye. CHANGE THEM.

SSH: Running around aimlessly waiting for Henrik to fall. Give Nancy a reason to go all the way around the garden to cue this scene. Or maybe cue it a different way.

DOG: Man, I would have loved to have met Sally.

SHA: Oh my God this game is perfect. Um…the magnet maze puzzle, honestly what the fuck

CUR: The ghost hunt/run was cute and all but shit stressed me out being on a timer.

CLK: THIS GAME MAKES NO SENSE CHRONOLOGICALLY. MY BRAIN HURTS THINKING OF THE PLACEMENT OF THIS GAME.

TRN: Allow Nancy one punch to Tino’s face…nah (I mean yeah but…) Part 2 of the game was so short. I want more time outside of the train.

DAN: Okay this is a tiny detail but when Nancy talks to Jean about Heather and they go back and forth about Heather’s name pronunciation, I get about 10 levels of awkward.

CRE: I know it’s a dumb thing to say but…Quigley’s dialogue? I usually mute her long ramblings because I get sooooooo bored.

ICE: Fox and fucking geese. Why can’t I play by myself? Why can’t I tell Bill that I’m playing to win FOR A REASON??

CRY: Please for the love of God, Nancy, solve the mystery during the day. Also, let’s not have an 80-year-old man be creepy AF.

VEN: Water tunnels. I refrain from saying anymore.

HAU: We could have had so much Irish culture. SO MUCH IRISH CULTURE. But what’d we get instead???  A JETPACK.

RAN: -sighs-

WAC: I don’t know??? Um…the ending challenge/puzzle with the blade didn’t make sense to me. I would have hoped it would tie into the theme of the game more.

TOT: Another ending sequence complaint. It takes place somewhere you only go ONCE just for the ending. Either, one, visit the Grange more throughout the game or two, take it out. Unnecessary.

SAW: Terrible accents. JAPANESE VOICE ACTORS. Hell, I’d take at least Asian voice actors over…this.

CAP: That freaking board game. Easy but just like…no.

ASH: Hey, if you’re gonna make a game at the home base, WHERE ARE MY HARDY BOYS??????

TMB: At the very least, make it a tiny bit more challenging for Nancy to read hieroglyphs. Also, really wish Dylan’s time wasn’t cut so short.

DED: I know they’ve done it before in other games but switching days to talk to different characters gets annoying. I mean, it’s realistic and I love that but I always forgot who was when & if it was morning or nighttime.

GTH: I wish we got to see/learn more about the family’s history (the factory incident, Charlotte, Harper..) God, this game is RICH with backstory and I WANT MORE.

SPY: Don’t….don’t fuck up Kate Drew.

MED: -sighs again but adds commentary- Eliminate entire concept of a game show, focus on New Zealand culture & Sonny’s mission. G O D.

LIE: SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THE SET UNDER THE STAGE REVOLVED AND- ohmyfuckinggod.

SEA: Just a bit too puzzle heavy, personally. Again, more history. More story. I still don’t totally know what this game was 100% about.

anonymous asked:

Can you do Apo and DiE shit-talking Glave?

“Dumbass admin,” Add grumbled to nobody in particular, kicking away a demon and ripping another apart with a space field.  “What part of ‘help me travel through time’ did he interpret as ‘make me run your errands’-”

“The part where you wanted him to help you,” Ain sighed, coming up behind Add so silently that it was like he teleported.  As usual, Add jumped.

“Don’t do that!”

“Do what?” Ain tilted his head, that long hair blowing in the cold wind.  Add scoffed.

“You know what,” he grumbled, and then changed the subject.  “What, Glave made you do his errands, too?”

Ain shrugged.  “He thinks he knows a way to make me more powerful.  My Goddess won’t help me, it seems, so I accepted his help.”

“Don’t,” Add advised.  “You end up being his errand boy.”

Ain frowned.  “That sounds… unpleasant.  I would hate having to deal with his laugh forever.”

“Oh, the laugh isn’t the half of it.”  Even to himself, Add’s own laugh sounded insane by now, but he wouldn’t deny that Glave’s was annoying.  “It’s the damned riddles that get me.  Tell me what you want and what you’ll give me in return, sure, I might humor you.  But when you give me a riddle and then don’t tell me what you’re giving in return-?  Pah.”

“Sounds like the Goddess,” Ain said, not unsympathetically.  “And let me guess, you can’t kill him.”

“Tried that.  Failed that.  Got the weird laugh.”

Ain actually chuckled at that.

Title: Dexterity (Re-upload)
Pairing: Geralt x Yennefer
Rating: Slight M
Summary: Yennefer is taken back by Geralt’s former lover.

Okay, so I’m sorry it’s not as long as I wanted it to be, and I’m sorry I just suck all around, but I hope if anybody reads this that they enjoy it. I also didn’t make it as smutty as I thought because I got too deep in and it didn’t feel right. Thanks for reading ily

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Happy Valentine’s day @scarletb1tch
I hope you enjoy the story!
This takes place 4 years after the latest Gotham episode. Oswald and have Ed have worked everything out and are secretly dating. This is one of their dates.

 Edward Nygma anxiously ran his fingers over a golden ring encrusted in diamonds, with a ruby in the middle. Ed had spent months on it, robbing several jewelry stores to find the perfect jewels. He was no jeweler, but he was the Riddler, who was smarter than any man. Well that’s what he told himself even if he was proven wrong… a lot.

Edward took a deep breath and looked up at the sky. He watched the sun slowly get lower and lower in the sky.

“Ed are you up there?” A voice asked below a trap door.

Edward almost dropped the ring while briskly putting it back into his iconic green suit. He ran over to the trap door and helped Oswald Cobblepot onto the roof.

“You’re late, Mr. Cobblepot.” Ed noted.

“You try finding this place on your own. Every building is abandoned here in this side of Gotham.” Oswald snapped back.

Edward escorted Oswald to a table he had set up for the date. The table was covered in a black cloth with silverware, ceramic plates, wine glasses and candles in the middle.

“What do you think?” Ed asked afraid that maybe he had gone overboard as usual. Normally he wouldn’t care as much, but this night had to be perfect.

“It’s beautiful Ed.” Oswald said as he sat down.

Ed took the other seat and pulled out a bottle of wine. “May I?”

“Of course.” Oswald handed his glass to Edward.

As Edward poured Oswald couldn’t help, but to laugh.

Ed looked at him perplexed. “What’s so funny Os?” He asked giving Oswald the wine.

“You said I was late, but you’re the only that’s late, 3 years late.” Oswald pointed at the wine.

Edward faked a smile. “Yeah you’re right.” He looked off into the distance remembering the day he promised he would show up to Oswald’s house with a bottle of wine. Fate had other ideas and he was taken away by a blonde headed girl. Edward didn’t know if he should tell Oswald that was the wine he bought years ago.

When Oswald realized what he had done he quickly spoke, “I’m sorry Ed. I didn’t mean t-”

“No it’s fine Ossie.” Ed’s fake smiled dropped again as he studied his lover’s face. All of his mistakes stared him back at his face. Over the years Oswald’s face and body had been the victim of terrible crimes. Most of the marks had been caused by Ed and it haunted him.

“Ed you’re staring. What has gotten into you?” Oswald asked obviously worried.

Edward suddenly stood. “Why do you stick around? I’ve done so much to you and yet you’re sitting here with me. You should just put a bullet in my head.” Ed couldn’t help it. No matter what he did there was always a voice that told him he wasn’t good enough. “I’ll hurt you again. I know I will and-”

“Edward that’s enough!” Oswald shouted. In one swift motion Oswald pulled Ed into an embrace. “I told you to never talk like that again. Listen to me Ed, you’re the only person I will ever love. You’ve saved me countless times even after everything I’ve done. If I could go back and do it all again, I would. Falling in love with you was the best thing that has ever happened to me.” Oswald held Ed tighter trying to hold back his tears.

Edward panicked. He didn’t know how to fix things, he had ruined another date. He always knew what to do, except when it came to Oswald. When he was around Oswald all reason went out the window and his head became static. “What do I do?” Edward whispered.

“Shut up and kiss me, Nygma.” Oswald cried into Ed’s shirt.

Ed was about to do as he was told when he heard two car doors slam shut.

“Jim, I’m telling you, the freak put you on another goose chase. He won’t be here. Let’s just call it a day and go get a drink.” A voice came from the street below.

Oswald and Ed both froze they knew exactly who was down there.

“Harv, we can’t just ignore this. If we don’t act quickly who knows what Nygma will do. He’s sick. Besides if you can’t handle it, you can just go. I’ll find you later.” Another man’s voice chimed in.

“And let you kick Nygma’s ass without me? Hell no.” The first man spoke again.

“Ed you need to leave now.” Oswald said with urgency.

“I’m not leaving you.” Edward said grabbing Oswald.

“Don’t worry about me. They’ll only take me to Arkham. I’ll be out in a couple of days.” Oswald pulled away and say back down at the table. “I’ll only slow you down.”

Footsteps and voices were heard from the trap door.

“Go!” Hissed Oswald.

Edward finally did as told and found a ladder on the side of the building. Oswald smiled at Ed one final time as Ed disappeared down the building.

“GCPD!” A man yelled as he busted open the trap door.

Oswald watched as two men climbed up through the opening in the roof. One man was fairly older than the other with a grey and brown beard, the younger one had slick brown hair and eyes that teared into Oswald’s soul. They immediately pointed their guns at an unamused Oswald.

“I see you still have no manners.” Oswald sighed and crossed his arms.

“Where’s the green freak, Penguin?” The older man asked clearly out of breath.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. Now if you excuse me, my food is getting cold.” Oswald picked up a container of spicy mustard.

“Cut the shit, Cobblepot. I figured out Ed’s riddle. He should be here. I suggest you tell us or I can drag your ass back to Arkham.” The younger one was obviously not in the mood.

Oswald turned to both of the men. “As much as I would love to help you with whatever adventure you’re on now, I’m kind of busy currently.” Oswald said with a mouthful of food. “You’re not very good at your job, Jim. I expect this much from a buffoon like Harvey, but not you. Nygma and I are enemies. Don’t worry I’ll find him and when I’m done I’ll send you what’s left.” Oswald hoped Ed was long gone, so he couldn’t hear the terrible things being said about him.

“You say that, but here you are at a table set for two. I was there 4 years ago when you and Nygma were buddies. I know he’s here, Oswald.” Jim Gordon took out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed Oswald to a pipe connected to the building.

Oswald was about to tell Gordon otherwise when he was interrupted by the Riddler’s booming voice over what sounded like a megaphone. “Detective Gordon and the other imbecile there’s still one final problem! You have 8 minutes and 45 seconds to stop my bomb from going off. I gave you more time since you have a Harvey with you, Gordon. You better hurry or all the people trapped inside will die. Good luck, you’ll need it.”

A building a half block away lit up with green.

Oswald turned back to the detectives and pleaded. “Don’t you dare leave me here. If that maniac finds me, I won’t be able to defend myself.”

“Don’t get my hopes up Penguin.” Harvey said as he quickly dropped down the trap door.

Gordon stared at Oswald as if he knew what was happening. “You can run, but I’ll find you guys.” Jim promised as he disappeared down the hole after Harvey.

Edward climbed back onto the building as the detectives raced to the green building. He quickly ran over and uncuffed Oswald.

“I told you to get out of here!” Oswald yelled.

Edward only ignored him and pulled him down where Jim and Harvey exited earlier. Once they were out of the building Ed picked Oswald up and ran. He didn’t know where he was going, but Edward knew he had to get them out if there.

“Edward Nygma stop ignoring me and put me down at once!” Oswald screamed.

Ed kept running. Tonight was the night he was going to propose. He wouldn’t let Jim or his own mistakes ruin it.

After about a mile and a half of running and taking quick breaks, Ed suddenly stopped realizing where he had taken them. The dock haven’t changed in years.

“Why do you never listen?!” Oswald shouted as he broke free from Ed.

Ed stared at the water in front of them. How could he have taken them here? Memories Ed tried to forget every night flooded into his head all at once. He heard Oswald’s voice begging him not to pull the trigger.

Oswald watched as Edward fell to the ground. “Damn it. We don’t have time for this. They’ll corner us if we don’t leave now, Ed.”

Oswald tried to push his own memories of the dock away, but couldn’t. So he sat next to Ed and watched as police lights get closer.

Oswald put his hand on Ed’s. “It’s going to okay, Eddie. We can’t let the past ruin our future.”

“You’re right Ossie, like always.” Edward smiled. What happened in the past is the past. This place doesn’t have to be a hurtful reminder. Maybe it could be a happy beginning.

Edward put his other hand into his pocket and felt the ring as Oswald stood up to face the nearing ever closer GCPD. An idea pushed its way into his head, it was crazy, but he had to do it.

“Oswald do you remember when you told me that we needed each other, that one couldn’t exist without the other?” Oswald heard Ed’s shakey voice behind him.

“Yes then you shot me.” Oswald stated coldly not wanting to remember the past.

“It took me four years to realize that you were right. I need you Oswald.” Ed’s voice was now cracking as if he was about to cry.

Oswald saw Jim running towards them in the distance. Oswald spun around to face Edward. “What the hell-” Oswald stopped mid sentence. Edward was on one knee.

Oswald choked back sobs of joy, “Edward Nygma I swear to God if you propose to me with a god damn riddle I will shove you into the water.

“What needs two to work, falls apart with one, and ends only at death?” Edward smiled proud of his riddle and pulled out the ring.

“Screw you Nygma.” Oswald sobbed.

“Is that a yes?” Edward pressed.

“Yes, you big idiot!” Oswald yelled as he ran into Edward’s arms.

“Wait Nygma and Cobblepot are a thing?!” Harvey yelled out of breath from running. Harvey opened his wallet and pulled out 20 dollars.

“I told you.” Jim Gordon sighed and took the money from Harvey.

They had a bet on if Edward and Oswald ever got together. Jim may have left the part out where he saw the two singing together in Ed’s apartment.

Edward paid no attention to the GCPD and kissed Oswald.

“Can I shoot them now?” Harvey joked wanting to go home.

“It’s too much extra paper work, Harv.” Jim sighed again.

“You’re just mad, because Nygma and Cobblepot got a happy ending, but you and Lee didn’t.” Harvey laughed suddenly enjoying the situation.

Jim turned to one of the officers. “Make sure those two are far away from each other in Arkham.” He turned back to Harvey “I need that drink now.”

“Now you’re talking. Have fun on your honeymoon in Arkham.” Harvey said following Gordon back to his cop car.

Oswald responded with a gesture that Harvey sadly didn’t see.

The Riddler and the Penguin were then apprehended and taken to Arkham. They were both out in record time.

Welcome, one and all, to a very special episode of the Unions, entitled Eyes Wide Shut. No, we haven’t joined a sex cult (not for lack of trying as you will soon discover), I’m talking about my eyes, as this update is comprised entirely of shit that happened on free will while I was makeovering the dormies and not paying attention. I was about to type ‘big mistake’ but honestly, what thing about this family isn’t.

As seen above, Daniel and Gunther are still battling it out over the amazing honor of being Jojo’s #1 best bro. Having picked the genius strategy of pandering to Jojo’s violent tendencies, Gunther is slowly but surely edging Daniel out.

-Damn that std-riddled-almost-morning-after-pilled brat! Jojo is mine, I have seniority!

Ugh, wish I could help, Dan, but I see no way to win this short of letting Jojo murder you. A bond that can never be broken..

..unlike every other bond going on around here. I hear secret society bells! We’re coming, Ronroneo ❤

Aw, newly madeover dormie likes Gunther, how sweet! Well, sis, It’s your lucky day!

-Congratulations, babe, you’re the 200th insignificant rando to be into me! You win a quick view of my topless body and the opportunity to write my term paper while I ask out the hot goth chick next to you. No offense but that dog shirt freaks me out, traumatic pet childhood, you understand.. Can’t be dating people who remind me of my dad.

YOU HEAR THAT JOJO?

Gunther’s aspiration bar is about to hit the crapper so I briefly intervene to make sure the date with blue-meatballs-hair goes well. Things are heating up quickly as per us, dog shirt is writing our term paper in the background, all is well, and then Gunther puts his date down..

AND TURNS AROUND AND KISSES THIS RANDO. I took a look at Gunther’s panel and apparently he has already woohooed the rando at some unspecified point in time but this is the first time they kiss! Kids these days. But seriously who the fuck is this girl and WHERE WAS I. Even better, Meatballs has 0 reaction to this even though its happening smack down in the middle of their date. WELL ALRIGHT THEN

Oh nice, gross hippy also wants a piece of this. Get in line, bro, it’s kind of a busy day.

-Ugh fine BUT I’M NEXT. I DARE YOU BITCHES TO TRY AND STEAL MY TURN

………..

……………………

……………………………………

You guys istg I didn’t do this, this is all Gunther, still IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS DATE WITH BLUE MEATBALLS. WHO IS NOT ONLY FINE WITH IT BUT SEEMS TO BE ENJOYING IT. ACR IS FUCKED UP

-We have something that you’ll never understand ♡

SAY GOODBYE TO FREE WILL

-Ah, that was a pleasant break.. So where were we? Right, so Victor is like, the bully of the family, a massive asshole tbh but don’t tell Jojo I said so cause he loves him, go figure.. 

-SO DREAMY

-WHAT A GENTLEMAN 

WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS DORM. And of course it’s a dream date! Meatballs, no offense, but you’re truly setting the bar for low standards.

-Ugh get with the times, grandma, spending an entire date without fucking at least two people? What is this, Victorian England? 

Yea but all you did was stand there smiling, homework in hand, and then get shooed off?

-IT’S CALLED MULTITASKING OK. GAWD

-EWW DID A TRAIN RUN OVER YOUR FACE BRO OR HASN’T IT BEEN INVENTED YET IN YOUR TIME PERIOD

LMAO oh man did gross hippy pick the wrong guy to pull this shit on. See you @ the pearly gates sis!

AT LAST, JUSTICE, as delivered by the heavy hand of the secret society lunatic who we’re not even friends with. Whatever, get him, girl!

-I’M GONNA SLAP THOSE SUNGLASSES RIGHT OFF YOU YOU WHORING TRASHBAG. DID OUR CHEAP RANDOM HALLWAY MAKE-OUT MEAN NOTHING TO YOU

-It meant the world to me, babe, do you have any idea how much I want to resurrect my cat??

-OH THAT SHIP HAS SAILED, ASSHOLE, NO UNION TRASH IS GETTING IN THE SOCIETY AS LONG AS I LIVE

Woah, woah, let’s not be hasty here, lunatic Vicki.. I mean if you being alive is the problem, there are ways to solve that. Meatballs, I take back everything, I see your value now.

-HA.

UGH. I HATE THIS DORM </3

…But at the end of the day, all that matters is the person sleeping next to you! In different but related news, I’m deleting and I won’t be missed.

when I was like 8 and was a super innocent child who had no idea what sex was or why gender was a thing someone asked me that dumbass question:

 “why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?”

and I looked at this person like they were an idiot and said “well there are plenty of reasons. Cows are useful for more things than just milk so if you want something other than milk you would have to buy it. Also you probably want the cow on your own farm instead of having to go to someone else’s farm every time you need milk”

and everyone laughed at me and said I was so silly and I would understand when I was a teenager but here I am at 22 and I’m still pretty sure I solved this damn fucking riddle: Stop treating women like they are only wanted for sex.