A/N: THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING WITH ME ON THIS JOURNEY. This story means a lot to me. I hope I did it justice. I may or may not write and epilogue. I hope you enjoyed this emotional roller coaster with me
“I was prepared to love you and never expect anything of you And there’s no patron saint of silent restraint Baby there ain’t no sword in our lake Just a funeral wake”
“You need to figure your shit out, Y/N” Tiffany spat. “Because what you’re doing to Jungkook is really unfair”
You couldn’t look her in the eye, “I know. I just don’t want to lose him”
“Y/N, you’re going to lose someone, regardless of who you choose. And Yoongi is going through with the wedding. He already chose someone else” you know she was trying to talk some sense into you, but her obvious bias was making things hard.
“I know okay! Fuck. You’re making me out to be like some cold-hearted bitch” you spat.
“I’m just being honest with you. Since you’re obviously not being honest with yourself” you were starting to hate these weekly lunches. You had made the mistake of telling Tiffany how you felt about Yoongi and she has been pressuring you to make a decision ever since.
But it was complicated. You loved Jungkook. You really truly did. You could feel it in your bones. It was a sure thing. But Yoongi. Yoongi slipped through the cracks. Filling in the spaces of your thoughts. Always thinking about what could have been. What could have happened if you had just chased after him. But now, he was engaged to someone else. Someone who would probably make him happier than you.
You hadn’t stopped dreaming about him. Almost every single night the two of you showed up on the beach. Each time you got to hold onto him for a little bit longer. But in the end, he always disappeared. Each time you would wake up next to Jungkook feeling guilty. Feeling like your subconscious had betrayed you.
The snapping of fingers in front of your face brought you back to reality. Tiffany wasn’t amused. “Did you hear anything I just said to you?”
You shook your head, “I’m sorry, I spaced out. What were you saying?”
She rolled her eyes, “I was letting you know that your final fitting for your bridesmaid dress is Wednesday afternoon. I need you to be at the tailor’s at noon”
“Okay” you said.
Tiffany sighed, “I know I’ve been riding your ass lately, but I’m just worried about you. I don’t want anyone else getting hurt”
Request: reader has massive crush on Tyler and one day he’s hanging out with this girl and he seems to stop talking to reader and reader confronts Tyler about it only to have her heart shattered in some way ;)
A/N: just so it’s a little easier to read, the italicized part in the middle is a flashback, the bold and italicized is the reader’s thoughts as it replays thru her head. Also just btw this is a fic i have written before, i just changed a bit of it and added a shit ton of things to it. I saw this request and i saw really thought this fic matched. HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOY! PLS REBLOG
Warnings: mention of depression, thoughts of suicide, being hospitalized, etc.
Journal Entry 1
Here’s the thing. I’ve been best friends with Tyler Joseph for forever. I remember knowing him ever since I started walking. I started to fall in love with him when we were in high school. He’s perfect. How could I not fall for him? His perfect chocolate hair, those dreamy cocoa eyes, his beautiful angelic voice that makes me melt inside. He was talented, good looking, and had the kindest heart. He always stood up for me. Whenever I was dumped, had a fight with my friends, he was always there, comforting me. Falling in love with him was practically inevitable. My parents always thought we’d end up together. But why would he settle for me? He could snatch up any girl he wanted. He’s in a famous band, he’s good looking, and talented. I’m always going to only be his best friend. What was I thinking? Why did I ever think that I’d have a chance with him? Maybe the fact that I’ve always been there for him? I don’t know… Maybe I should stick it out a few more years… For now we’re just… buddies I guess… I don’t think I’m cut out for this anymore.
I shut my journal tightly, falling into my bed sighing. I hated myself for falling in love with my best friend. I hated seeing him with other girls. He’d always choose them over me, and I always had to pretend like I didn’t care at all. Over the years, we had developed a tradition of having movie nights every Friday night. I can’t tell you how many times he has cancelled on me because he met some beautiful girl a couple years back. He didn’t even have the decency to call me. He would always just send me a text, saying that he’d have to cancel. I knew what he meant. I knew that he was getting tired of me, and I didn’t want to believe it. For a long time I’ve been trying my hardest to get him wrapped around my finger, but nothing ever worked. He didn’t think of me that way. He never will.
I grabbed a pillow and covered my face. I screamed into it, frustrated at my heart and mind. I looked over at my clock. It was only 5 PM. Tyler is supposed to come over in half an hour. I scoffed, assuming he’d cancel on me again because he was with her or something.
Luckily, he didn’t cancel. I heard a knock on the door and quickly went to get it. “Hey!” I said, giving him a hug. He returned it, but quickly pulled away. He walked into my house, slamming the door shut behind him. He was obviously upset for some reason, and I had a hunch of what it could possibly be.
“You okay?” I ask, cautiously making my way over to him. He’s been in a committed relationship for a while now. It hurt my heart to support him, but he was happy. I didn’t want to be the reason he ended up single, and it felt pointless to tell him the truth now.
“No, I’m not okay! I’m upset because Tiffany is angry at me for spending so much time with you!” he exclaimed, slamming his hand on the wall. “She called it off with me today.”
I shot him a glare.
“Excuse me? You haven’t been spending nearly as much time with me as before. Ever since she came along, you’ve been blowing me off for months. So she needs to calm the fuck down!”
This was a repeated pattern in their relationship. She would get angry at him because of me, when quite frankly, we’ve been growing apart. She would break things off, and he would come screaming to me about everything, and then he’d take it out on me because he was angry. I really wish that he’d realize that she doesn’t deserve him. I would always get hopeful that he’d come to me because he realized he was in love with me too, but it was always because he was alone again. She was beautiful, I was always just too stubborn to admit it. The minute he met her, she had him hooked. Something I never knew how to do. Every attempt I’ve ever made has failed, and I’m hoping that if I can hold out for a few more years, we could finally work out.
Tyler looked at me with piercing eyes. “Look I’m sorry for cancelling so many times, but I don’t want to lose her! She means everything to me, and you know that!” he retorted.
I looked down at the floor, tears filling my eyes.
“And what about me? You’d be okay with losing me? I’ve been here for you for years and all you can say to me right now is that she’s your world? Holy shit, Tyler! It’s like you don’t even care about me anymore!” I choked out. “You always come to me to complain about Tiffany, and it’s all you can ever talk about! You never take the time to ask me how I’m doing anymore!” I said, my voice growing with every word.
Tyler looked at me, his eyes softening.
“I’m sorry, (Y/N). I know! I’ve been a dick lately. I’m sorry. I just… Tiffany is different than any other girl I’ve ever dated. She’s just so perfect, and she’s so out of my league. I just don’t want to lose her. Please understand.”
He started walking towards me, and I backed up. I always ended up forgiving him, when he clearly didn’t deserve it. I never could help myself when he embraced me. I felt safe in his arms, and he always gave me the warmest hugs.
Those were the arms I grew up in. Every time I had a bad day, his arms would be open to me. I could always go to him, but lately, he’s been too busy with his girlfriend.
That brings me to the next point. Tiffany hates me. I never did anything to her, but support her relationship with Tyler. Whenever Tyler invited me to the movies with him and her, she would shoot me death glares when he wasn’t looking. She’s “playfully” slapped me a couple times when he was out of the room. She called me names, and she’d always tell me that he was going to forget me when he left on tour with her. I was upset, but I never did anything back because I knew she’d tell Tyler about it, and he always took her side. He was never with me on anything anymore. Tyler doesn’t know the way she bullies me. He probably wouldn’t believe me if I told him. Tyler thought Tiffany was an angel sent from above, but in reality, she was Satan’s mistress in disguise.
“I understand, Tyler. I do. But I just don’t know how much more I can take of you blowing me off, and you and her fighting because I’m apparently a threat to her. She knows how our relationship works and if she can’t handle it, then I don’t know what to tell you because you’re my best friend, Tyler. And I’m not going to let her take you away, but you have to make an effort to stay in my life, too.” I said.
I started pushing him away as he tried to give me a hug. “Please don’t.”
Tyler frowned at me, stopping in his tracks. “I really am sorry… Please forgive me?”
I looked up at the ceiling, trying to prevent my tears from escaping. “I don’t know, Tyler. I’ve been trying to be strong with all these complications, but maybe I’m just not as tough as I thought I was.”
I knew that I shouldn’t have said anything. I shouldn’t have gotten so offended. I should’ve just sucked it up and held back my feelings. But I couldn’t take it anymore. I blew up. I can only take so much before breaking down.
Tyler looked towards me with concerned eyes. “What is that supposed to mean, (Y/N)?”
I looked down at my feet, the tears finally escaping my eyes and hitting the floor. I didn’t say anything.
Tyler looked at me, his eyes looking like they could light a fire. “Well? What does that mean?” he asked again, his voice growing in frustration.
“It means what it means, alright?! Look I think you should just go. Good luck with Tiffany. I hope I didn’t ruin the only good thing that came into your life.” I replied, a little too harshly. But at this point, I didn’t care. I grabbed his arm and pushed him out the door. I slammed it shut and locked it, finally breaking down. I slid down the door, hiding my head in my knees. He was completely oblivious to my feelings. It was like I was a nobody.
As much as I wanted Tyler to leave, he wouldn’t. He kept banging on my door, shouting my name.
“Come on, (Y/N), open up. Let’s talk about this. Please.”
“What is there to talk about it, Tyler?” I croak.
“I don’t know, this? What did you mean… ? I’m worried…”
I laugh to myself and shook my head.
“Oh, now you’re worried? That’s absolutely wonderful. What about all the other times I needed you? Those days when I was at my lowest? Where were you then?”
I ended up getting so angry that I finally opened the door, meeting Tyler’s concerned eyes with my own rage-filled ones. My eyes were beginning to get blurry as the tears kept flowing down my face.
Tyler looked at me like he didn’t know what I was talking about.
“That’s right. You were too damn busy with Tiffany to know that I had relapsed with my depression. You were too busy with her to realize that I had to be sent to the hospital so I could be watched because Josh was so worried about me being alone. You didn’t even realize that he was the one who was visiting me in the hospital all those weeks I was there because you didn’t have time. So don’t go telling me that you are worried! Because you never actually are!” I screamed.
“Now, get off my porch.” I say as sternly as I can without faltering.
“Wait, (Y/N), this isn’t fair. You can’t just lay that all on me and then tell me that I don’t care? I do care! You know that. We grew up together. I’m always going to care for you-” he starts to say.
“Well, it doesn’t seem like you’re the same guy I grew up with all those years. That guy wouldn’t have ever ignored me like you are doing now. You literally only care now because Tiffany isn’t with you. So please, do as I ask and get off my porch. I don’t want to see you right now, and I don’t want to talk to you.” I say as I fold my arms.
Tyler takes a step closer and I step back.
“LEAVE!” I shout. I start to push him repeatedly until he was a ways away from me. “JUST GO AWAY!” I kept saying. I had reached my breaking point. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I needed to get away from it all. I had to.
Tyler frowns at me and gets in his car and gives me a concerned look before he drives away. I wipe at my eyes and walk back into my house, quickly gathering some of my things before leaving to stay at a motel outside of town.
I text Josh to let him know what happened, and that I was leaving town for a couple days. He simply tells me to think things over before making any rash decisions. I agree to his terms and stop messaging him, deciding to write a letter to Tyler before plopping down on the bed in the motel, closing my eyes. Flashes of the day he met her starting going through my head like a plague.
“Josh, have you seen Tyler around?” I ask loudly due to the loud music that was playing at the after party a friend hosted for the launch of their new album.
“No, I haven’t…” he lied. He had a guilty look on his face, and I had been friends with him long enough to know when he lies.
“Josh…” I say again.
(Josh knew how much I liked Tyler. There were several instances when he would try to help set us up, but it never quite worked out the way we wanted it to. We had gotten close, and to be honest I don’t remember why it didn’t ever work. Either way, I knew he was trying to protect me from seeing things, but I didn’t care. I needed to talk to Tyler. I needed to tell him how I felt. Maybe that’s why I felt like it was my fault for letting him go. I never told him. And I was too late. Someone else already had him around her finger.)
He sighed and shook his head.
“I don’t think you want to go over there… I tried to stop him…”
“Josh I need to tell him. Where is he?” I say louder.
Josh looks at me with apologetic eyes and points in the direction Tyler is.
I look over, and to my disbelief I saw him dancing with another girl. And he was definitely getting cozy with her. I even saw him sneak in a couple of small pecks to the cheek and neck.
(I should’ve trusted Josh. I shouldn’t have looked. That probably would’ve saved me a lot of heartache. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to tell him how I felt at a party. I don’t know why the hell I didn’t tell him any sooner.)
I quickly maneuver through the crowd and walk outside, my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. It felt like it was shattering inside of me, the emotional pain making it hard to breathe.
(Tears were welling in my eyes again, as I started to remember the part that was coming up next. It was like the whole entire world decided to conspire against me all in one day.)
As my phone rang, I managed to grab it out of my pocket before the session timed out.
“Hello…?” I answered in between breaths.
“Hi, is this (Y/N) (Y/L/N)?” a woman replied.
“Yes… who is this?” I asked, concern filling my voice.
“My name is Rebekah, I’m a nurse at St. Mark’s Hospital… I’m calling to let you know that your parents have been in a very serious accident, and the impact was too great… they died shortly after they were taken to the hospital for treatment… ”
I hung up the phone before falling to my knees in the middle of the sidewalk. Rain started pouring down on me and I looked up at the sky, screaming into what seemed like an endless, dark abyss.
(At this point all I remember is seeing Tyler leave the venue with that girl, and Josh was the one coming to comfort me. He was the man who introduced me to Tyler. He was the one my parents relied on to take care of me when they were gone. He was like my brother. He was always protective of me and he came to my rescue that night. Not the man I wanted to come. The next thing I knew was being taken to the hospital where I had to see my dead parents, lying on the table. Honestly, I must’ve shut out a lot from that night because everything’s a blur.)
I looked at the tables that held my parents, body numb from the pain and anxiety. I stood over them, thinking to myself that their daughter has outlived them. And that was something that no child ever wanted to hear. I didn’t know how to react. I stared at them as if they would come back to life and tell me that it was all just a sick joke.
All I wanted was to be embraced by the arms of the man I loved. The same man who broke my heart tonight. But nothing happened. I ended up being carried by Josh back to the car, and into his house. He put me down on his bed, and tucked me in, as he went to sleep on the couch.
(I don’t think I got an ounce of sleep that night. I remember just staring at the ceiling, losing myself in the process. I became unresponsive in the morning, probably due to all the emotional stress I had gone through that night. I was taken to the hospital and was let out one day to attend the funeral that Tyler ended up paying for because he felt so sorry for my loss.)
I stood under the black umbrella that Josh held up for me. I stared at the two caskets that were being lowered six feet under, side by side. A hand squeezed my shoulder firmly and I knew in an instant that it was Tyler. I looked up from the ground and gave him a small smile, even though I could see that girl was on his arm. I quickly look away from him and pull my jacket closer, walking out from under the umbrella to throw my flowers in with the caskets.
I open my eyes and grab my phone, seeing 16 missed calls from Tyler and a whole lot of voice messages. I delete every one of them and throw my phone back down on the bed, wishing my mom was here to give me advice. Wishing that my dad was here to hold me in his arms and tell me that it was going to be okay. But they were gone.
I curl into a ball and hide my head, only to be disturbed by a knock on the door a few moments later. I groan in exhaustion, slowly getting up from the bed. I walk to the door and look through the peephole, seeing Josh on the other side. I sigh in relief and open the door. I give him a small smile and step aside, letting him inside.
“How are you feeling…?” he asks quietly as he walks to the bed and sits down.
I shrug my shoulders and and sit down by him, picking at my nail polish.
“I wish I could answer that question. I want to be okay. But I don’t even know what okay is anymore.” I whisper. “I know it’s dumb to overreact so much, but I’m so tired of being ignored by him. I’m so tired of him pretending like it’s okay for him to take out his anger on me whenever she breaks things off with him. I’m tired of him acting like I don’t exist when she’s around.” I creak.
Josh sighs and looks at me lovingly, scooting over and gives me a tight squeeze.
“I know that it sucks. And I know how hard you’ve been trying. If I’m being honest, I really think you need to let him go. For your sake. I know how much you love and care for him, but he is only breaking you down more and more. And maybe, in time, things will finally work out between the two of you, but you need to take a break from him. You’re both my best friends, and I don’t want this to come between the two of you. Maybe you being away for a bit will make him realize that he is in love with you. I mean, to me I honestly think he does. I think he’s just too afraid to admit it to himself because he thinks that you deserve so much better than him. He may seem happy with Tiffany now, but I know for a fact that he would be so much happier with you. You just… get him. On a level that she doesn’t, may I add. Just… take a break. Go live with your best friend for a few months until you feel better enough to come home to us. Yeah…? I’m going to talk to Tyler. He’ll come to his senses eventually.” he smiles at me and kisses me on the top of the head.
“So as your ‘brother’, I say you take a break from us for a while. That’s my expert advice. I’ll keep you updated on the whole situation. I promise.”
“Thanks, Josh. That really means a lot. I think I’m going to take your advice and travel for a bit… I have a bunch of money saved up. If you think it’ll be good for me, I’ll go. I think it’ll be good for me too… but first, could you give this letter to Tyler after I leave…?” I ask quietly. I get up from the bed and walk to my purse, taking the envelope out from the pocket, handing it to Josh.
“I will. Don’t worry.” he says.
I gave him a nod and walked him to the door, giving him a tight hug before saying “see you later” for a few months.
I opened the door after Josh knocked on it a few times.
“Hey man, what’s up?” I say silently, rubbing my face due to the events of this week.
“I came over to give you something.” he replies, holding up the envelope that had my name on it. I recognized the handwriting immediately. It was from (Y/N).
I took it slowly, scared of what I would find inside.
“Josh… I left her. For good. She was right… (Y/N) has been with me for years… and I thought about it a lot and I really was a jerk to her, wasn’t I…” I cough out. I shook my head in disbelief as I remembered all the dick moves I pulled on her. The many times I cancelled on her to be with Tiffany. How long it took me to realize that she was toxic… and that the person I truly wanted to be with… was about to leave me for real.
Josh sighed and gave me a broken expression.
“I’m glad you finally realized it, man. But you need to read this letter. I promised (Y/N) I would give it to you. I really hope things will finally be okay between the two of you after this.” he responds sternly. He pats my shoulder before leaving me alone with the letter in my hand.
I shut the door slowly and walk to the kitchen, grabbing a knife and opening it. I walk to the couch and take the paper out of the envelope, getting a whiff of the perfume I had bought her a few months ago for her birthday. I unfolded the paper and look at the beautiful handwriting that was waiting for me to read on the inside.
I know we’ve had our ups and downs lately. And I really wish that things would always be nice and smooth-sailing. But unfortunately, life has a way of making things hard on us for reasons we don’t understand. You’re my best friend, Ty. And you always will be. But here’s the truth: I’ve been in love with you since junior high. I was just too scared to say anything. And I regret it every day of my life. You and Josh started to get big, and I didn’t want to ruin anything. I was scared that if I said anything, that you would think differently of me. I was going to tell you that night. The night you met Tiffany. When I saw you with her, my heart shattered into a million pieces, and the death of my parents didn’t help.
But the thing is… I realized that I had been wasting so much time worrying about our relationship that I didn’t realize how far I was spiraling as far as my mental health goes. It’s kinda funny how the person you love can also be the person who breaks you the most.
I’m leaving town for a few months. Maybe even longer. I don’t know. I saved up a lot of money so I could travel, so I could come with you guys on tour. And I’m going to take this time to start over. I’m going to heal myself first before I try to salvage whatever is left of our relationship after today. I’m hoping that this trip of mine is going to help me open my eyes. I want it to clear my head.
This doesn’t mean I hate you, Tyler. Because god knows I could never hate you, even if you’ve put me through my own personal hell. This doesn’t mean goodbye. It means that I’m saying “see you later”. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you anymore, because I do. And I always will.
This letter means that I don’t love you like I did yesterday.”
me marrying a dude:
i don't have time for this hetero nonsense
me marrying a woman:
aaAAWWWWWW FUCK YEAAHHHHH I WANT A HUGE ASS WEDDING THAT BREAKS THE DAMN BANK!!! TIFFANY GIFT BAGS FOR ERRBODY, WE EXCHANGE HUGE DIAMOND RINGS BEFORE OUR FAMILIES AND FRIENDS, I WEAR A DESIGNER GOWN WITH A THIRTY-FOOT TRAIN AND DEPART FOR OUR HONEYMOON IN THE FRENCH COUNTRYSIDE IN FIRST A HORSE-DRAWN CARRIAGE, THEN A FIRST-CLASS TRAIN CAR, THEN A HOT-AIR BALLOON