dale is not an agent

Special Agent Dale Cooper’s Daily Routine

  • 5am- rise
  • 5:07am- coffee
  • 5:15am- meditate
  • 5:30am- exercise, shower, consume “shower coffee”
  • 5:55am - eats powdered donut
  • 6:05am- meets Albert for breakfast. Consumes 3 coffees, 1 orange juice, 8 pancakes, 6 slices of charred bacon, 3 pieces of ham, 2 eggs over hard, all smothered in maple syrup.
  • 6:55am- pays bill and gets coffee for the road.
  • 7:15am- arrives at Twin Peaks Sheriffs Station, immediately consumes 4 jelly donuts and 3 coffees.
  • 12pm- Lunch at the RR Diner.  Turkey sandwich on whole grain bread, fries, endless cup of coffee, 2 slices of cherry pie, 1 slice of huckleberry pie, 3 scoops vanilla ice cream, 2 chocolate milk shakes.
  • 12:50- Driving to crime scene, eats a “road donut.”
  • 12:55- tastes cocaine found at crime scene.  Washes it down with some coffee. Tastes baby laxative just to make sure the cocaine is cocaine.
  • 1:00-2:00pm- Uses bathroom for full hour.
  • 2:05pm- coffee, old-fashioned donut.
  • 2:35pm- meeting at The Roadhouse.  Eats peanuts, drinks 1 Black Yukon Sucker Punch.  
  • 3:00- Coffee
  • 3:05- Donut
  • 3:10- Coffee
  • 3:12- Donut
  • 5:30- Dinner back at RR Diner.  Meatloaf, mashed potatoes, 2 whole cherry pies with vanilla ice cream ordered one slice at a time.  Coffee.
  • 6:30pm- chews 7 sticks of gum.
  • 6:45pm- Donut
  • 7:00pm- After dinner beer and peanuts at The Roadhouse.
  • 8:15pm- Relaxes in lounge of The Great Northern with 2 coffees and 4 glasses of milk.
  • 9:00 pm- In bed with “nightstand pie” and glass of warm milk.
  • 10:07pm- Wakes up and runs to bathroom.  Doesn’t come out for a full hour.
  • 11:15pm- Back to bed.  Insane levels of sugar and caffeine intake cause vivid hallucinations of dancing dwarves and clue giving giants.
  • 1:00am- Wakes up from caffeinated sugar psychosis to call Sheriff Truman saying he’s solved the crime.
  • 1:05am- Falls asleep, forgets he solved the crime.