daddys credit card

Worth It

Pairing: Y/N & Calum 

Words: 3400+

Warning: nsfw

Sugar Daddy Calum is what dreams are made of 

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Cards Against Humanity Starters:

“I drink to forget alcoholism.”

“This is the prime of my life. I’m young, hot, and full of crippling debt.”

“Dear [NAME], I’m having some trouble with doing the right thing and would like your advice.”

“During sex, I like to think about Mufasa’s death scene.”

“White people like all-you-can-eat shrimp for $4.99.”

“I’ve had enough of your face.”

“Having problems with menstruation? Try shutting the fuck up!”

“The gypsies said my inner demons are how I’ll die.”

“I don’t need luck! I have edible underpants!”

“Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s daddy issues.”

“My superpower is being a dick to children.”

“Studies have shown tasteful sideboob is good for you.”

“Honey, mommy and daddy love you very much, but apparently mommy loves daddy’s credit card more than daddy.”

“When I am a billionaire, I shall erect a 50 foot statue to commemorate a tiny horse.”

“The class field trip was completely ruined by puberty.”

“Licking things to claim them as your own will always get you laid.”

“Hope is a slippery slope that leads to a disappointing birthday party.”

“Step one: almost give money to a homeless person. Step two: taksies-backsies. Step three: profit.”

“Me time never fails to liven up the party.”

“Why not spice up your sex life by bringing that thing that electrocute your abs into the bedroom?”

“Ever since the ‘incident’, every time I close my eyes, I still see your sad little naked body.”

“Women get turned on by tentacle porn.”

“Help! My son is farting and walking away!”

“I lost my virginity by pretending to care.”

“I learned the hard way that you can’t cheer up a grieving friend by giving a tumor a cutesy nickname.”

“Thanks to the sharing economy, I can now make money renting out my used panties.”

“Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children a can of whoop-ass.”

“Honey, I have a new roleplay I want to try tonight! You can be shutting the fuck up and I’ll be not having sex.”

“The next Happy Meal toy is pinkeye.”

“My mom freaked out when she looked at my internet history and saw 'a-big-black-dick.com/a-bigger-blacker-dick.”

"Can it wait a bit? I’m in the middle of making poor life choices?”

“Remember the old days when you could just slap 'SWAG’ on everything?”

“TSA guidelines now prohibit whining like a little bitch on airplanes.”

So my friends and i have this squad meme thats a paraphrased line from the spirited away dub “daddys got credit cards and cash” which is what we say when were paying, or assuring each other that we got money and can Do Shit

“Oh shit did we take a wrong turn?”
“Dont worry, daddys got credit cards and cash”

“I got it”
“You sure?”
“Daddys got credit cards and cash”

Oh ya 2nd date last night with Weed Daddy (he grows) was lit. We had Korean bbq which was tasty af then went in his car and came to an agreement of $3000 a month with 1-2 visits a week (or sometimes no visits a week because he has work in other states that sometimes takes up to 12 days). Got $500+$20 for uber (even tho uber was using Kinky Daddy’s credit card😂). Lit af because this guy wants a long term and so do I. Now I gotta balance Kinky Daddy and Weed Daddy haha worth it tho I’m making 5k a month with no college degree 😂😂

ok guys wait but think about this!!!!!! trans Dex on his first period since he and Nursey started sharing the attic! just imagine it:

  • Dex waking up and knowing exactly that his period is about to start
  • Dex stays in bed all day with cramps, so Nursey helps him out
  • Nursey gets Dex hot pads and ice packs
  • Nursey makes the trip across campus to Lardo’s friend’s dorm room because Lardo was out of Advil but her friend had some 
  • Nursey doesn’t really know how to help someone on their period so he just treats Dex like he’s sick and makes him soup and feeds him saltines
  • Nursey goes to the store for Dex to buy more of his favorite brand of pads
  • Nursey calls Lardo while at the store freaking out because there are SO MANY TO CHOSE FROM LARDO WTF and Lardo has to tell him to chill out and look for Dex’s specific brand 
  • Nursey goes up to pay and dumps five boxes of Dex’s preferred pads and about fourteen different types of chocolate bars onto the counter and whips out daddy’s credit card to pay for it (he knows Dex will chirp him for using his dad’s credit card, but it was the only way Nursey could make sure that he could actually pay for all this stuff and not have his own card declined)
  • The cashier says “you are clearly an amazing boyfriend” and Nursey just goes “no, my boyfriend is the amazing one! I know he’s suffering from cramps and has been all day, but he still won’t complain out loud! that is truly amazing” and he nods decisively as if he’s just cracked the Da Vinci code or something
  • Nursey rushes back to campus to give all the stuff to Dex, worried that the world might end if he didn’t get back in record time. When Nursey dumps out the CVS bag onto the attic floor in front of Dex’s face, Dex flips out becaue like Nursey! that’s five boxes of pads! that will last so long! i only needed one! but now Nursey is extra happy because it means that Dex won’t have to go buy more pads for his next period and he’ll be saving what little money he does have
  • Then Nursey decides to tell Dex that he used his dad’s credit card to buy these things for Dex just so Dex can find a little joy in chirping Nursey 
  • When it’s time for bed, Nursey cuddles Dex and holds the heating pad to Dex’s abdomen so Dex can lay any way he wants and the heating pad will still provide relief for him 

I think anarcho-capitalism would be cool if the ideology was about a bunch of actual anarchists who purposefully study capitalism in order to better understand it and to eventually undo it (yknow the things that marxists/marxians/edwads across the globe already do) along with some probably good critiques and studies about the state’s function in capitalism.

But no its just a bunch of upset, partially-rich kids who wanna play rebel but dont wanna lose their daddy’s credit card privileges, so they spread misinformation everywhere to make themselves seem valid, intellectually elite, and like being the richest of the richest is the most noble aspiration any of us lowly plebs could ever ask for.

Such a sad and purpose-less ideology.

I Still Get Jealous *Sammy Wilk Imagine*

Requested by skatemaloley sorry for the wait hope you like it :)

Enjoy! 


You sighed as your boyfriend; Sammy dragged you into another store;he’s been dragging you around all day from store to store trying things on like a rich white girl on a shopping spree with daddy’s credit card.

 

“Sam you’ve bought enough can’t you be done now?” You whined at him “No and if you stop whining daddy will buy you something” “Oh my god you’re so stupid” you said laughing even though you wanted to be mad at him.

 

“You love me” he kissed you “Eh not at the moment” “Come on you can pick out my next outfit even if I don’t like it I’ll still buy it” you pretended to think about it “Promise this is the last one?” “Promise babe” “Okay come on”

 

A few minutes later you were waiting for Sammy to try on the outfit you picked out for him. You were standing alone looking through your phone when you heard footsteps approaching so you looked up and saw one of the employees that helped you before.

 

“Hey beautiful” you were confused because you knew this guy knew that you and Sam were together because it was mentioned before.

 

“Um Hey…” you said trying not to sound rude or anything “Where’s lover boy?” “My boyfriend is in the dressing room do you need something?” “Just your phone number” was this guy serious? “Um excuse me?”

 

“Come on; we could have so much fun together” he smiled at you and you sighed “I don’t even know you” “But you could, what your man don’t know won’t hurt him” you laughed because this guy was clearly insane, why would you ever cheat on Sam?

 

“Hey y/n what do…what’s going on here?” Sam had come out of the dressing room and looked at you and this weirdo employee.

 

“Nothing” you said but at the same time this moron said “You’re girlfriend here was trying to get my number”

 

Did he really just say that?!

 

“I was not! He was flirting with me!” You defended yourself, hoping you wouldn’t have to try and convince Sam that you were innocent “Listen dude, I don’t know what happened and I don’t care just fuck off” Sam told him

 

The douche bag laughed “Not my fault your girls a hoe”

 

 

Okay rude much?

 

 

 

You saw Sam go to step toward the guy but you stopped him “Please don't” “You should really listen to your girl” the guy said smiling at Sammy “You should really shut the fuck up and stop disrespecting girls like that you dick”

 

You noticed people were staring and you really just wanted to get the hell out of there.

 

“Sam it’s not a big deal, let’s just go” “Stay out of this y/n” he walked around you and over to the guy “Chill man it’s not me you should be pissed at” the guy pushed Sam away from him and that of course set Sam off.

 

“Who the fuck, do you think you are?!” Sam yelled at him and before you knew it Sam punched the guy in the face and he fell to the ground.

 

“Oh my god will you stop!” You told Sam “No! He was being a dick to you how do I just let that go?” He was constantly getting into fights with guys because he got jealous so easily, he needs to chill out.

 

“You walk away Sam because it’s not worth the jail time” you told your boyfriend and surprisingly he actually listened.

 

 

You didn’t get why he always got so jealous all the time, you were nothing special at least you didn’t think so.

 

No one was trying to steal you.

 

“We need to talk about what happened back there” you told him since you knew he wouldn’t be the first to bring it up.

 

“Why?” he asked and you could just tell he wanted to just brush it off “Seriously?You know exactly why” “If I knew y/n would I be asking?” you groaned “You were acting like a jealous moron” “I was not” you laughed “Okay babe keep telling yourself that” after that you dropped the subject but you were planning to bring it up again later.

 

 

Later that night while Sam was watching TV you made yourself comfortable in his lap.

 

“What do you want y/n?” He said looking up at you “You’re just a ray of sunshine aren’t you” “I’m sorry” “Will you tell me why you get so crazy when boys talk to me?” “Because you’re my girlfriend” “You need to chill out though I’m with you, not looking for anyone else” “You say that now”

 

You were confused by that comment, why would he say that?

 

“What does that mean?” He shook his head and looked passed you “Nothing I just don’t understand why we have to talk about this” “Because you overreacted Sammy you didn’t have hit that guy” After you said that Sam looked at you again

 

“So you’re mad at me for sticking up for you?” You groaned “No Sam I love that you did that but you could have done it differently if you keep getting into fights like that you’re gunna end up in jail and then you would be someone’s boyfriend” you couldn’t even say that without laughing

 

“Ew why would you even say that” you kept laughing “I think you would be a good bottom” “I hate you so much” “Imagine if you went to jail and there was a Christian Grey look alike and he asked you to be his Ana” “No I didn’t imagine that’s just…Ew no stop” you kept laughing “You’re so cute”

 

You got off him and sat next to him instead and you were still laughing at what you had said about 50 Shades of Grey which you had dragged him to see.

 

“Y/n that’s not funny that’s nasty” “I’ll stop laughing if you tell me why you get so jealous all the time” he groaned “Fine since you won’t drop it I’ll tell you” “Thank you”

 

It’s about time it wasn’t such a big thing to ask for he’s so stubborn.

 

“How do I know you won’t actually like whoever comes up to you? I don’t want anyone stealing you” you looked at him like he was crazy “I’m not interested in anyone else but you Sam you know that” “I know but I can’t stand when guys even stand next to you” “I love you, no one else” You reassured him.

 

He moved so he was lying with his head in your lap “I know I’m sorry I get so crazy” you laughed “It’s okay, just promise me no more fighting” “I pinky promise” he said holding up his pinky you laughed and wrapped yours around his.

 

“I love you y/n” you smiled “Love you too Sam”


Feedback?

anonymous asked:

i want overwatch but im too poor for it atm...fuk

i can steal tae’s big daddy credit card n buy it for u boo, he wont notice a few 10s out his pocket 

even tho stark is obviously the wrong person to be leading this crusade, he’s right about accountability. the avengers at this point is a group consisting of: sabrina the teenage witch, an ex soviet, robot jesus, and bird suit, reporting to a guy who just turned 27. they dont even write reports. they dont have a domain name. they have no landline. they’re using daddy’s credit card. you don’t get annual reports. you dont get transparency.
Reasons why Miley is terrible
  • Hid her pop star alter ego from her best friend knowing that she’s a huge fan of her pop star alter ego
  • Lied to a pro tennis player about being good at tennis to gain attention
  • Forgot her daddy’s birthday because she had a fancy party to attend to
  • Overcharged her daddy’s emergency credit card on an impulse shopping spree
  • Broke up with someone strictly based on his height

that’s all the hannah montana episodes i can remember, feel free to add to the list, though