i want to tell you something that i will never, ever tell anyone.
i am extremely selfish.
not in the way that everyone thinks selfishness is. i often am gracious with my money, buying people food when they cant afford it or going out to buy a gift for a friend who’s having a bad day; i give my time to others willingly, whether it be hanging out with them, hugging them to make sure theyre okay, or listening to them as they rant about everything thats wrong; i give effort to those who need it, and i try my best to share my happiness.
so, how am i selfish?
i have to feel like the most important thing in people’s lives. i was the better child between me and my sister, and my mom has even joked about it. it’s easy to be better than her though - she was a manipulative and condescending person. and the worst part? i let that consume me sometimes. i AM better than her. i’m smarter, prettier, more approachable, and funnier.
with my younger stepsister, whom i love very much, i almost swelled up with pride when i overshadowed her accomplishments. shes prettier than me, but i was more accomplished in school. i dont fucking know why i became so happy when i was better than her, but i did.
i also am extremely selfish with men. now, i have a loved one. for numerous years. however, with my male best friends, it’s almost as if i WANT them to fall in love with me. i dont fucking know why, because it will only break hearts and destroy them.
i get extremely jealous when they start talking to another girl, or start dating someone else. i actually find reasons to hate the girls, even though theyre perfectly nice.
and sometimes, i just want to grab your hand, entwine our fingers together, and kiss you wholly until you melt into me. and that’s fucked up too, because i shouldnt be having these feelings about you. they fuel the selfishness and jealousy that i can’t fucking hold you.
i hate this part of myself. im sick, and twisted, and undeserving of you or any of my friends.
i hope you never find out this side of me. i know you promised to never leave, but you would after you found this out.