cutting-yourself-from-an-old-life

mistake | taehyung angst

Originally posted by shitjeon

Genre: angst [requested]

Pairing: reader X taehyung

Word count: 3.6k

Summary: You used to be the centre of his world. But sometimes centres shift, spinning entire worlds right off their axes.

“What do you mean?”  

It was a rhetorical question that you did not really want him to answer. There was no way you could stand hearing the words that had just fallen unforgivingly out of his lips once again. Slow and sinful, quiet and destructive, all at once, his words echo, ricocheting inside your hollow mind.  Your eyes sting from the unshed tears and you take a deep shaky breath as your try, very much failing, to steady yourself.

It was true that you had never expected the best reaction from the red haired boy who stands in front of you in front of you- dumbstruck and reduced into a stuttering mess. But then again neither had you expected your perfect world to go crumbling down, turning into nothing but dust and rubble in a flash, like this. You could have sworn to yourself, never deterring in your foolish belief, that what the two of you had was stronger than this. But if that were true why were u suddenly living a nightmare?

“Taehyung-” you try again when he refuses to say a single word. His eyes are downcast, albeit with the guilt and shame he feels.  

“I… Y/N-”  he begins but falters almost instantly, wincing as if even the sound of your name had just caused him an unimaginable amount of physical pain.  

“You’re only 18. And I have a lot going on right now. After years of self doubt and what felt like vain efforts it’s all finally starting to fall together!” he continues, his voice comes out foreign, thick with remorse and lacking its usual brightness “My dreams are finally coming true Y/N. I can’t. I just can’t throw it all away now!”  

If you hadn’t been so blinded with the tears which mercilessly dot your own vision, maybe you would have noticed the way his hands shook by his sides, palms curling up into tight fists. “You could get an abortion. Y/N we’re too young, this is a mistak-”  

“Don’t you dare say another word Taehyung” your venom filled voice pierces through, cutting his words short. “This child is not a mistake. Trusting you… believing that we were forever…that Taehyung, is the only mistake I’ve ever made.” You wanted to yell at him, sound fiercer. “I am the foolish one here okay?” But how could you when with every passing second pain stabbed at your heart, ruthlessly twisting it’s knife like edges deeper into your flesh. Your voice was barely above a whisper.

“Just leave.”

“Y/N-”

“Don’t ever come back.” This was it.

It all ended and started here.

*

The moment you heard the door click shut, you collapsed down onto the cold marble floor. Tears streamed down your face and you were sobbing so hard, it physically hurt your chest and it felt as if your ribcage had begun closing in on your lungs. You were so lost. How? How were you going to do this all by yourself? You didn’t even know where to begin. You wanted to blame someone, anyone. Let go of all this pent up frustration but no one was around and you were just stuck here- now more than ever because with Taehyung gone, it really felt as if  you had no one left.  

Maybe it had been seconds that you spent curled up on the floor like that or maybe it had been a lifetime. You loved Taehyung and you knew he loved you just as much. Never once had you doubted the sincerity of his feelings towards you. He had constantly showered you with so much love and affection that he never left for you any room for doubts and insecurities.

What you also knew, equally well, was that he had a dream.

It was the way his eyes would sparkle, every time he’d describe to you the life he wanted, that would make your own heart soften as you’d listened to him in silent admiration- he’d tell you how much he wanted his voice to be heard, for his voice to someday become the strength and comfort people needed to get by another rough day. On those quiet nights spent together, he’d tell you everything- about his dreams of becoming a singer. And you’d watch him day after day as he’d work hard to turn this dream into reality, diligently holding on to this dream every waking second.  

His passion could sometimes come off as scary, as if the only thing that ever mattered to him was being successful. But in every glorious picture of the beautiful future he painted, you were always there, a prominent part of it. And maybe that had been exactly why you never held him back or worried about being forgotten.  

You knew that you were the center of his world. But eventually, what you came to learn the hard way was that centers sometimes shifted.  

Things changed the moment the two stripes screamed positive on the white strip you held between your trembling fingers. You let the strip fall onto the floor as if the piece of plastic were made out of white hot metal searing your skin.  Will he still let you stay by his side? He won’t just abandon you now will he? The questions had haunted you and you were afraid to tell Taehyung. But somethings can never be hidden that easily.  

He loved you. You took comfort in that fact. He’ll never abandon you. You kept telling yourself that.

Boy were you wrong.

*

5 months later

Somewhere your hopeful heart kept on insisting that you must wait for him. Give him some time. Maybe he’d come running back. Maybe he’d realize that he was, indeed, nothing without you the same way you were nothing without him. He was not a  cruel man afterall. He was your Taehyung.

But as days turned into the months, the hopes you held in your heart began to fall apart at their seams, waning a little bit more with every passing day. The door to your apartment never opened, the screen of your phone never lit up with his name, a frantic Taehyung never came running back to you. He never apologised, begging you to take him back.  And just like that, with not another tear to spare, you somehow bottled up your feelings and tossed them away as far as you could.  

You had to stay strong. For you and the baby. You would not let your weaknesses destroy the two of your lives.

You had moved to New York- a city where you had always found an odd sense of comfort- with the fast paced life it had to offer and the hustle of the city being perpetually loud enough to drown out your worries, it was easy to pretend  as if all you ever had to worry about in a place like this, was the present. In a place like this, the past and future were nothing but far away mythical lands.  

Your parents had been furious with you, and maybe they did have every reason to. You were barely 19 and pregnant, of course they were mad. The cold and harsh exterior, however, was not something they could keep up for a long time. You were their beloved little princess, afterall. No mistake could ever make them hate you. They only watched you, as you wandered about blindly in your endeavours to do your best, heartbroken and confused all along. But at the same time, a chill would run down their spines when that look of determination and protectiveness would darken your eyes at any mention of the unborn child.  

And just like that they knew it was too late to change your mind or somehow convince you to walk down a different path.

With your stellar grades getting into your choice of university would surely be no big deal and you told your parents about your plans. You wanted to leave Seoul. This city held way too many memories. Memories that would destroy the remaining bit of your sanity. They understood that, making it a point to support you no matter what. The world had broken you too much already and they did not want to be the reason why another crack should run down you already broken heart.

*

After a long day at school you were on your way back to your apartment, making a mental list of the things you needed to buy from the grocery store, as you walked slowly. You had been craving so much food lately. You wanted to eat anything and everything in sight.  

You apartment stood a few blocks away from your university, and you were grateful, almost everyday, about being able to save the time and money commuting. You really liked your apartment, as much as you liked living alone. The studio flat was small and cozy, the view it gave you being what really made it the winner. You could see the entire city, the jam packed streets, the lit up billboards, the impeccable peaks of the sky scrapers surrounding you from the large windows gracing the walls. It all looked even more spectacular at night and you couldn’t agree more that the city was indeed a concrete jungle- a beautiful kind.  

You had cut yourself off completely from your old life in Korea, which wasn’t too hard since you had never been much of a social person and barely had any friends. But you were content with that.You tried not to think about him much these days and with time, the sharp ache in your chest began to dull until it was a bearable sensation.  

You had met Taehyung in high school, 16 and madly in love being the only way to describe the you when you had first started hanging out with him. It had been love at first sight.  

With him, being a senior at your high school you might have known his name all along, but you never really had the chance to meet him. However on one eventful evening by some turn of fate the two of you ran into each other at a party, your mutual friends being the ones to have introduced you both to one another.

And long story short, he literally had you at hello.  

He was a ball of sunshine, the wild one as opposed to your calm and collected personality. But nonetheless, the two of you went together like coffee and sugar, fire and ice. With the perfect balance of your imperfect personalities you kept each other sane. He asked you out after a few months of hanging out as ‘just friends’ and without a second thought you immediately said yes.  

There was no way you could completely forget him now or erase him from your memories. Not when the very life growing inside of you reminded you of him every single day. But it was bearable after all this time. You wouldn’t push it by saying you were happy anymore, but you had found yourself a way to be content.

*
3  years later

Angel.  

You had been tired and in pain. Your mother couldn’t make it to your side on time, so you were left alone, trying, screaming at the excruciating pain that seized your body with every contraction. But one look at her face- the tufts of dark hair, the rosy buds of her lips, her cute button nose, all traces of exhaustion had evaporated from your body in a snap. Angel was the first thing that flashed through your mind as you held her in your arms for the very first time.

Your Angel.

Your little munchkin. Your little 2 feet packet of happiness.

You watched the little girl play around with her play school mates. You couldn’t help the smile which formed at your lips when your heard her squel with delight. You were grinning ear to ear like an idiot. She was unbelievably adorable and you just wanted to squish her.  

“She’s gorgeous.” a middle aged woman exclaimed sitting down next to you. She had a kind face, smile lines gracing the skin around her eyes. You nodded, feeling a bit proud. “You look so young. How old are you?” She inquired good naturedly.  

“22.”  

You expected her to gasp, mock at you maybe, look at you like you were a shame to the society. But she didn’t. She kept watching the kids play with intent eyes, nodding her head only slightly to let you know that she had heard.  

“What about her father?” She pressed on tentatively and you felt your heart drop a little.  

“I don’t know.” You mumbled, silently praying for her to drop it, and she did.  

“She has me. I’ll be strong enough for the both of us” You spoke up, saying the words more to yourself than to her.

But it was a lie. You missed him. You missed him terribly. As much as you had protected yourself from the onslaught of heartbreak the first two years, a little by little your armor was falling apart. You missed him so much it sometimes felt like death. Work was a good distraction. And so was Angel. But at night when the loneliness would creep up on you, you would break down in misery. You had to stitch yourself back up every morning though. And seeing Angel and her toothy smile and sparkling eyes definitely made it a lot more easier.  

You just wished he was here.  

Angel had your dark doe like eyes but her father’s hooded lids. She had your light brown hair and her father’s perfect sharp nose. She had your plump lips but her father’s boxy grin. She was beautiful, just like her father and maybe just like you. She was a walking reminder of what you once had and no matter how unconditionally you loved your daughter, looking at her broke you down and ate you up inside out a little by little everyday.

Taehyung had made it big in Korea and overseas. You weren’t surprised, he had worked so hard and given up so much to be where he was now. He had given up you and your daughter. He had chucked the two of you out of the glorious life you were once supposed to be a part of. He was living the dream he always wanted to live, even though he was living it alone now.

You wearily avoided social media and even the television or radio, too afraid to catch a glimpse of him or hear his name in the passing. You pretended like he was just another celebrity. Beautiful and out of reach. Not the boy who had once swept you off your feet and dropped you the moment you had turned into nothing but a dead weight holding him down.  

You missed him so much but it was useless. He had probably moved on.  

You helped Angel put on her little frock while she was playing with the doll you had recently bought her. She brushed it’s golden hair as you brushed hers. You felt hollow inside but you kept up your cheerful front in front of your daughter.  

You were breaking, breaking, breaking. Any day, any moment you would hit your breaking point.  

Angel scurried off to her room after giving you a sloppy kiss on your cheek which made you laugh and You took to the bundle paperworks you had to finish before the coming Monday. You were so engrossed in it, with all your focus put into the task at hand glad for the distraction, that you almost didn’t hear the faint knock on the front door. Did you imagine it? You weren’t really expecting anyone. Whoever it was knocked once more, a little louder this time and you pulled yourself up, before walking slowly towards the door.  

You gingerly twisted  the door knob, the door creaking on its hinges as you pushed it open and just like that, instantly your heart squeezed dropping all the way down to your feet as your unbelieving eyes took in the person who stood on the other side.  

Taehyung.  

*

He wore a long black trench coat and a scarf was wrapped around his neck. His cheeks were flush from the cold outside and his hands were shoved deep into his pockets. The moment you opened the door his dull eyes came to life, the black orbs sparkling with relief and joy. “Y-Y/N” he stammered, immediately lunging forward wrapping you up in his embrace. You stumbled a bit backwards, frozen as you felt his strong arms around you. The same arms you once called home.

How many times had you imagined reuniting like this? A wild fantasy, a wishful thinking. You wanted him back and now here he was. Then why were fear and anger the only two things you felt right now?

You shrugged out of his hold. “What are you doing here?” Your voice came out flat despite the riot of emotions you felt inside and he took a step back, hurt evident on his face.

“I’ve been looking for you Y/N. For years, for years now.” Taehyung’s voice broke towards the end, his deep velvety voice sounded gruff the way it always does when he gets angry or upset.  

“You left.” It sounded like an accusation and it rubbed you in the wrong way.

“You didn’t exactly leave me with a reason to stay.” You snap back immediately and he he just nods letting his head hang low. The scene looked so familiar. It was as if like deja vu, the memories belonging the past were being projected into your real life once again.  

“Letting go of you, and our child has been the only mistake I’ve ever made Y/N. It was me who was wrong.” He was crying. And it cracked your cold demeanor as you felt tears well up in your own eyes. “Nothing means a thing without you. It’s all so empty without you.”  

“Don’t do this to me Taehyung” you begged him softly, closing your eyes. “You abandoned me, don’t come running back now as if you didn’t. Please just go.”

With a heavy heart and shaking hands you pushed him out the door but just when you were about to close it right on  the face of a protesting and torn Taehyung, Angel’s voice stopped you in your tracks.

“Mommy? who is it?” She sounded sleepy, and she looked up at you rubbing her curious eyes. Taehyung’s jaw dropped as his eyes fell on her and he got down on his knees getting onto an eye level with her. You stepped aside unsure if you wanted to hide Angel behind you or just let her meet the man who was her father.

“She’s- she’s gorgeous Y/N.” Taehyung whispered as he gestured Angel to come forward. And she did. Curious and confused she tugged at Taehyung’s scarf giving her a full view of his face. Taehyung looked like he was about to go insane, a strange mixture of happiness and remorse marred his perfect features. “Daddy?” Angel asked and both your heads snapped up to look at each other. How? How did she know? Angel turned to look at you “Is this daddy?” She asked you excitedly and you muttered a yes. She let out a delighted laugh before running straight into Taehyung’s chest.  

He held her just as tightly as she held him. Everything felt so unreal you let out a shaky breath as you slowly sat down on the cold floor. Taehyung was smiling like a mad man, his eyes closed as he revelled in his daughter’s warm presence. You could feel the turmoil of emotions rolling off him in thick waves.

When he pulled away his eyes never left her face as he admired her lovingly.  

The sight was heart warming.  

“She looks just like you.” He spoke softly and Angel played with the hem of her frock, a habit of hers whenever she felt shy or embarrassed. “She has your eyes and lips”

All these years you’d been constantly telling yourself, like a mantra, that you were strong enough on your own. But truth to be told, you had grown to hate that word. You hated being strong. It wasn’t easy and you  were falling apart. Taehyung was right here in front of you. The man you loved, the father of your child. The man who openly claimed to love you just as much as you loved him. The man who had left you all by yourself when you had needed him the most. Could you trust him now? Could you trust him with not just one but the two of your hearts? Would he break you and Angel all over again? You didn’t know but what you did know was that you were done playing strong.

“Yeah. But she does have your stupid boxy smile.” You joked half heartedly, with a smile on your lips and tears in your eyes.  

You were done being strong.