Please fire me. I work at an coffee shop near an Ivy League campus and these spoiled, rich students are generally terrible customers. And one time, a parent of one of these kids came in, and was digging around for the change for her coffee. When she realized she didn’t have it, she reached her slimy old hand into my tip jar and pulled out the change she needed!
what they say:
hey! so sorry to bother you, i just wanted to say that we'll be closing in 10 minutes, but please don't feel rushed! thank you SO much for stopping in today. we always appreciate wonderful customers like you. have a marvelous rest of your night :)
what they mean:
GET OUT OF MY FUCKING STORE RIGHT NOW. I'M DONE. I'VE BEEN HERE FOR HOURS AND I'M FED UP WITH YOUR SHIT. DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YOUR ASS ON THE WAY OUT.
Working in a pharmacy can definitely have its amusing moments. Of course there are the usual butchering of the names of certain medicines. But also last week this guy came in and was explaining that he was having trouble breathing. He said, “I’m really just having to pull from deep in my cervix to get a good breath…” Our pharmacist nearly lost his shit. And today this man (who is always difficult) came in and was upset (rightfully so, this time) because he had wanted us to fill his wife’s insulin prescription for a 3 months supply instead of just 1. This prompted the phrase, “If I don’t come home with 90 days worth of insulin, she’ll eat me out!” I had to work really hard to maintain a straight face and also to not say, “Well hell, I’ll take it home for you then!"
Helped two men and their five and three-year old sons pick out pillows
this afternoon. Both kids are on the test bed crowding one dad while
he’s trying to test out a couple pillows. The oldest of the boys looks
up at the ceiling and calls his dad to look at the umbrellas hanging
from the ceiling. The boy flips over on his stomach, looks at me and
asks, “Howww did you get the umbrrrrellaaas up there?” Without hesitation I reply, “With a really tall ladder.”
The one dad cracks up laughing, “Wow. I love how literally you answered
that. Took a literal question and answered it directly in a snap.” “That’s how I roll. I am a very frank person.”
…but seriously. What type of response was he expecting me to provide the kid?
So basically moral of the story is that I’m a dumb ass bitch.
Sorry I was trying to do a little intro like a YouTube video where the YouTuber will post a clip of something like, “They tried to murder me!” and then 5 seconds later the clip will cut to their little intro, and I figured that would be a good idea to insult myself and start this blog post.
The reason I’m a dumb ass slut is because I decided it would be a good idea to take off some of the keys on my keyboard so I could clean all the lint, food crumbs, and hair from underneath the keys.
In my defense if I eat around my laptop, I push it far away from where I’m eating, to almost the edge of the table on the opposite side. I have no excuse about the hair thing other than I like to pick my split ends–it’s a nervous habit so don’t judge.
Anyway, I lifted my space key up and found a shit load of hair underneath, and it was satisfying to take it out but now it’s very hard to press down on the space key on the left side of it and that’s the part I press down on (not in the middle or right side) when I’m trying to space my words.
Basically I fucked myself and that’s the story of why I’m a dumb ass bitch. But today we are going to be talking about one dumb ass asshat who posted on the internet and revealed their true form of asshole to the world. Or just my blog post and all Yelpers.
Oh yes, we are doing REPLYING TO YELP REVIEWS #3.
Today, I’m only going to do one of them because it’s 2:11 am and I’m doing to-go orders in less than 8 hours. (I pre-write my blogs sometimes when my life is in order).
But I just smoked so I’m not super tired. I probably shouldn’t have revealed that but I live in California.
I’m also 20, arrest me.
YELP REVIEW - PIZZA PARLOR (are they even still called parlors anymore? real question).
“Came in 10 mins before closing and they were cleaning up.” Real story, on Friday and Saturday’s our security guard locks our doors thirty minutes early because that’s when the bar does last call, and 10 minutes before that is when serverthoughts does her last call.
Don’t sit in my section when I close, I’m closing my section and doing all my cleaning/side-work almost 2 hours before we actually close. Don’t talk to me, order only appetizers and don’t ask for little plates. Drink soda and don’t need a refill and pay and leave immediately after you’re done. Thank you.
“They were happy to still serve us and actually insisted on it!” This is true customer service. Actually no, I was there during this interaction when our buddy Sean up there (Yelper) and his two friends came in to get a bite at the Parlor.
The worker looks up from their mopping, and prays that the three idiots who came into his work smelling like marijuana would clearly see that he was mopping and they would turn back around without a word. Mopping should be the universal sign for, “WE’RE CLOSED MOTHERFUCKER.”
Clearly it’s not.
The first guy spoke up. “Hey man, you still open? Me and the buds here were just super hungry and saw your place and thought, “”hey I could really go for a pizza right now,”” so now we’re here. Hey dude why are you mopping when you’re open for another 9 minutes and thirty-six seconds?”
Carlos was just trying to get home to his family after his long day at the pizza parlor having to deal with soccer moms and teenage kids who have to count their change on the front counter with their friends to make sure they have enough for a personal size to split three ways. “Wow, I didn’t even realize we were closing. Let us make you a pizza. Please. Please. I insist.” Carlos retorted back with a sarcastic tone, nodding his head with a large fake smile on his face.
Unfortunately for Carlos, the three guys were stoned out of their minds and didn’t detect the hint of sassiness, so Carlos had to explain to the sixteen year old kid in the back, why he was going to have to rewash everything in the kitchen because some twenty-something year old’s were really craving a Hawaiian pizza after their drug binge.
“We had a Hawaiian pizza and it tasted fantastic.” How do I know for damn sure there’s a but coming next sentence, even without remembering what the review says? Also, you can totally tell that Sean and his friends sat inside the restaurant for twenty-minutes and ate the pizza there before realizing Carlos was sneaking glares at the them while refilling the pepper flakes canisters.
“The only reason it didn’t get 5 stars is there were some interesting (not shady) people in the parking lot when we were there.” I can not stress this enough. Businesses are not responsible for anyone outside of the business or in the parking lot.
Sean, you dumb ass motherfucker. You decided to give a restaurant a 4 star review on Yelp because there were interesting, yet not shady people in the parking lot of a pizza joint where you went to eat Hawaiian pizza 10 minutes before closing time?
Something the business has no control over… But like it’s fine, let’s give them one less star because Sean had to witness some people who were interesting, yet not interesting enough to be considered shady.
Sorry Sean, I feel no sympathy and I cannot relate to you. And do not try to come into my work thirty minutes before closing because the doors are already locked and the security guard is sticking his head out the door saying we already did last call.
Shout out to the workers at this pizza parlor for being a way better customer service worker than I will ever be. 5 stars for you.
Moral of the story, I give the shittiest service in the last hour before we close, people are better off just not coming. Seriously. Don’t come.
Please fire me. My manager told me not give an old woman her money back. I went to tell this woman, and she became very upset. My manager walks out and says to me, “She can have her money back, why did you not give it to her?”