tbh I’d love a horror-comedy about a retail worker accidentally becoming a ghost/demon hunter because they’re just so unfazed by difficult and weird and bellicose customers that evil entities aren’t much more of a challenge.
“sir or ma'am or neuter, I’m going to have to ask you to stop crawling on the ceiling, you’re disturbing the other residents”
“please leave this place before I call the exorcist to remove you from the premises”
“company policy forbids me from accepting power from customers in exchange for my soul or firstborn child”
“sir, if you keep speaking to me like that, I’m going to have to end this spirit board conversation. have a good day, goodbye”
Please fire me. I work at an coffee shop near an Ivy League campus and these spoiled, rich students are generally terrible customers. And one time, a parent of one of these kids came in, and was digging around for the change for her coffee. When she realized she didn’t have it, she reached her slimy old hand into my tip jar and pulled out the change she needed!
When Paula Wesley realized her Keurig coffeemaker wasn’t functioning correctly, she tweeted her frustrations at the company, not really expecting much to come of it. But much to Paula’s surprise, her complaint didn’t fall on deaf ears, and Keurig responded almost immediately by beheading their CEO.
Wow! Props to Keurig for taking customer satisfaction so seriously!
Oh, I need some sort of follow-up from Business, because this thing they worked on wasn't entirely done, as it turns out.
Please leave a message.
Hi! You did some work for me, but now I need a follow-up thing because the work you did wasn't quite completed, it turns out. Please call me back, so I can get this thing working again.
THREE DAYS PASS.
Hi, Business, I left you a message and haven't heard back. Did I leave the wrong number? Please call me back. Here's my number again.
TWO MORE DAYS PASS.
Hello, Business. It's really frustrating that this is the third message I've left for you. Do you even check these things? Please call me back. Here's my e-mail, my assistant's number, and another number for me, just in case you're having trouble reaching me. Thanks.
ONE WEEK PASSES.
Dear Yelp, this business did good work initially, but completely ignored me when I tried to talk to them about some follow-up stuff that needed to be addressed. I wouldn't hire this business, if I were you. One star.
LITERALLY HOURS LATER.
Hi! This is Business! How can we help? Please call us back.
FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER.
This is Business. It's very important that you call us back. Thank you.
FORTY MINUTES LATER.
This is Manager from Business. Please call me back. I would really appreciate it if you called me back right away.
ONE DAY LATER.
Your Yelp review is unfair and you need to call us back so we can address it.
Yeah, it turns out that the time to address this was three fucking weeks ago when I left the first message.
Please fire me. A customer asked for hot chocolate that isn’t hot. We explained that it would pretty much be chocolate milk, but he persistently disagreed. “I don’t want chocolate milk, I just want hot chocolate without it being hot!”
From the front lines: What you need to know before you call
You asked and we’re answering. This month, we spoke to Gina G., customer service team manager for Aetna social media channels, about her best piece of advice for members before they speak to a customer service representative.
Customer: Its such a nice day outside! So warm!
Me: Yeah it is! So nice to have the sun out!
*literally has not been outside in 6 hours*
*secretly hates you*
*will not leave this hellhole until its dark outside*