How Cursed Child Really Ended
Because that play was a shitshow and we all know that that crap ain’t canon. (Except for POC Hermione, who is a frigging godsend, even if it’s only a little bit of representation)
Now lets begin.
Harry Malfoy-Potter wakes up next to his husband, Draco Malfoy-Potter, and sits bolt upright.
“What’s wrong babe?” Draco asks.
“I had a nightmare.” Harry responds, lying down slowly.
“Was it about the war?” Draco, questions, all too familiar with PTSD induced nightmares, because thats what fucking happens when youre a child soldier goddamn it rowling not everything is fixed with a happy het marriage and one scene at a trainstation.
“No, it was about now.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I thought I was straight and was still with Ginny, who was also straight and not engaged to Luna for some reason, and I had kids with awful names. You had a son too, he also had an awful name, but not quite as awful compared to my kids names. Anyway I was a complete knobhead to my kids and then they went to school and started time travelling for some reason.”
“I had a son?”
“Yes. You called him Scorpius Hyperion”
“What were your kids names?”
“James Sirius, Lily Luna and for some reason Albus Severus.”
“Two questions: Firstly, why the fuck would Ginny let you call your children that? Secondly, you named your child after Albus Dumbledore, who was a manipulative cuntbag who pretty much ruined your life and trapped you in an abusive home for 17 years, and Severus Snape, who was also a greasy cuntbag who abused you and tried to kill you in order to date your mother who didnt want anything to do with him because he was a greasy, racist shitbag asswipe who does not deserve the redemption that most people give him for some fucking reason?”
“I know right?”
“Well what else happened?”
“Well I sent my dream-kids off to school and gave a speech about how house doesn’t matter and said that Severus Snape was a good guy for some reason, and then they left for hogwarts.”
“That doesnt seem too bad, but what about your godson Teddy, whom we raised together, what was he doing?”
“Oh, he wasn’t in there at all for some reason, but it got worse. They got to Hogwarts and Albus Severus was sorted into slytherin with your son.”
“Yeah except then I did a bunch of out of character stuff where I basically disowned him for some unknown reason and put into motion some sort of convoluted acid trip dream where everyone was acting weird and not like themselves at all.”
“Yeah, the trolley lady from the Hogwarts Express threw bombs and stuff, and Cedric “I’m here to show you that Harry is not straight, also just generally a really nice guy” Diggory turned evil. And then to top it all off, our sons were gayer than we were in school.”
“Is that even possible, outgaying me, Draco “Gaygaygaygaygay” Malfoy and you, Harry “The Bi Who Lived” Potter?”
“I know right? Then everything went to shit and there was time travel and alternate universes and Voldemort had a daughter with Bellatrix for some reason?”
“Can you imagine that going down though? Like would he try to be kind and have a good time or is he just the sort of “Ruthless Efficiency” lover?”
“I don’t want to think about it.”
“Well that’s okay Harry, none of it’s real. Ginny and Luna are still happily engaged, we have Teddy and our marriage and everything is fine. It was just a bad dream.”
“Yeah, you’re right Draco.”
Then they hug and the play ends and everyone as they leave is given a full refund plus optional therapy.