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Hey, you.

Yes, you.

I’m speaking to the dads of the Internet… well, I mean dads on the Internet, not Al Gore.

You, dads on the Internet, are being lied to. And you’re being lied to by dads on the Internet. Not all of them, but some. And some moms, as well. What do I mean? I’m glad you asked, even though I technically just asked.

Some dads (and moms) on the Internet would have you believe that we’re all just as capable of parenting as moms in every respect. They post photos and articles that show them being all smiley and flawless with smiley and flawless kids. “Oh, what an amazing, joyous, talented little family we are. I’ve never had a sports injury, I smell like potpourri and, though they’re still in grade school, both of my kids have already been accepted to Yale.”

Bullshit.

You can’t do everything right all the time. There are some things your partner might be better at than you. Personally, I can say my wife is much more patient and efficient than me when it comes to:

  • Dealing with a whiny kid
  • Cleaning up bodily messes
  • Explaining a movie while we’re watching the movie
  • Getting the kids to sit at the table for dinner
  • Dealing with another whiny kid
  • Not sleeping

The converse of that, however, is there are some things I’m better at, such as:

  • Building Hot Wheels tracks
  • Encouraging my kids to try that “epic stunt”
  • Fixing whatever was broken during the epic stunt
  • Eating
  • Teaching them how to burp

And listen, you single dads (and moms), you’re allowed to be bad at stuff, too. Don’t let Christian conservatives or the Big Parenting Blogger Industry fool you. Despite what Pinterest would have you believe, no parent is perfect.

You know who is perfect? Superman. He’s also the most fucking boring superhero ever. Why? Because he’s perfect. He always saves the day, he has no weaknesses (has kryptonite ever really stopped him?), his hair looks all coifed and rad all the time. You invite him to a party, he brings a fucking killer bottle of wine and then doesn’t drink any.

Boring sonuvabitch! GTFO, Superman! And take your goddamn hipster glasses with you. We all know you’re Clark Kent, jackass.

So, in conclusion—they’re lying, perfection doesn’t exist for parents, stop holding yourself to an unrealistic standard, Superman is a douche-nozzle.

The end.

It happened.

Book. Deal.

The good folks at Knock Knock, a super-rad publishing house, have seen fit to make a book based on my CTFD Method post, which went kinda cray-cray on the Intertubes. (Knock Knock brought you Coolness Graphed, based on the Tumblr of the same name, and also published a book called How To Traumatize Your Children. So, y'know, match made in HEAVEN.)

Needless to say, I’m totally stoked. It’s slated for a Spring 2015 release. That may seem like a long way away, but quality takes time. Patience is a virtue. Good things come to those who wait. You got your chocolate in my peanut butter. You got your peanut butter on my chocolate.

There are a lot of people who helped make this happen, but the person I’d like to thank right now is you. Yes, you. Stop looking over your shoulder, I’m talking to you, handsome. By the way, I think that jacket really brings out your eyes.

The Tumblr community (that’s the “you” of which I speak) made my CTFD Method a hit with parents, non-parents and humorless Internet trolls alike, so thanks. Just don’t expect any residuals, you beatnik.

And for those of you who think a book deal comes with immediate benefits, I celebrated the achievement with a dinner of leftover meatloaf and stale potato chips. Well, that and a $50 glass of scotch served to me by a rare Yangtze river dolphin.