me, thinking about single dad AU!Sidney’s years of crippling loneliness and shattered self-worth going through just too many nights of wiping away his own tears as he falls apart in the kitchen, long after Avery has gone to sleep, as he tells himself that it’s better to be alone than with someone who would hurt him or Avery, that the NHL dream is no more and he can’t dwell on that any more, and just worrying about the bills getting paid on time, him making sure his son is fed and happy and warm, and putting on a brave smile in the morning as he cheerily asks if Avery packed up for school yet: fuck im crying
me, thinking about how single dad Sid let himself indulge in Geno with the cute dates for a few days and Geno being so sweet with him and feeling young again, all while fully believing that Geno is just here for fun and he’d be gone by the next roadie: oh no my face is dehydrating from water loss
me, thinking about how all this comes as a flashback to Sid as Geno gets on one knee, holding out a ring with the most earnest, scared expression, as if Sidney might say no, as if he doesn’t know that Geno had been one of the best things to happen to him other than Avery, and that Geno makes him believe in love again: time for a Dirt nap with my Face in the Dirt
some of my fave song lyrics (in no particular order)
If I had a heart I could love you If I had a voice I would sing After the night when I wake up I’ll see what tomorrow brings
If I Had A Heart - Fever Ray
Come back baby, don’t you cry Don’t you drain those big blue eyes I’ve been crawling Come back baby, don’t you cry Just you say the reason why I can calm you
Hazey - Glass Animals
Every day she stood, hoping for a new light She closed her eyes and she heard a small voice say “You don’t stop, no, you belong to me.” She cried, maybe it’s too late
She - Laura Mvula
Did you ever notice I’ve been ashamed All my life I’ve been playing games We can try and hide it It’s all the same I’ve been losing you One day at a time Bleeding, I’m bleeding My cold little heart Oh I, I can’t stand myself
Cold Little Heart - Michael Kiwanuka
Grandma’s hands sooth the local unwed mother Grandma’s hands used to ache sometimes and swell Grandma’s hands used to lift her face and tell her She’d say, “Baby Grandma understands That you really loved that man Put yourself in Jesus’ hands.” Grandma’s Hands
Honestly? Shoutout to those of you who are completely fucking lost in life. Those who don’t know what they want to do with life. Those who are stuck in a certain part of life and can’t get out. Those who are reaching for dreams they feel are impossible to reach. Those who feel like they’re accomplishments are being overlooked. Those who feel like their enough just isn’t enough. It is. You can make it. You will make it. There is an opening at the end of the tunnel.
sometimes my mom will ask me if i have any advice to help my little sister navigate the treacherous waters of high school and i will never understand why she thinks i can help because in high school i
had such a goddamn mess of a backpack it took me ten minutes to find everything, which you would think would inspire me to organize it, but instead i started keeping a rubber chicken and a giant key and a wooden spoon and a fake bag of blood in there so that while i was hunting for my homework i would end up pulling these things out thus transforming my inability to find anything into a hilarious bit instead of a failure of executive function
would intermittently become convinced that i had a really obvious moustache and everyone was going to be staring at my awful girlstache, so i would paint on a clark gable stache with liquid eyeliner, thus ensuring that everyone would definitely be staring at my moustache and i wasn’t just paranoid
would have emotionally delicate days where i could tell i was going to end up crying for no goddamn reason so i would bring a three-foot tall stuffed toy dog with me, because a teenaged girl crying for no reason is a cliche but a teenaged girl crying into a comically large stuffed dog is performance art
dropped out after two years because i felt like i got the gist
“Sometimes I’d start crying in class for no reason. Then when I got home from school, I’d just go straight to my room. I couldn’t even talk to my mom about it because I’d just start crying. People would tell me: ‘Just get up, exercise, and take a walk.’ But none of that helped. Things got so bad that even the school was watching me. I started bawling during a chemistry exam and I ended up in the school psychologist office. I remember thinking: ‘I don’t care if I ever see another chemistry exam again. Or my friends. Or my mom.’ And I started to get this feeling that I was definitely going to do it. I was going to lock myself in my room that night and take a bunch of pills. The only thing that stopped me was imagining my mom finding my body. That was three years ago. That time seems so far away now. I found a great therapist. I learned so much about myself. There’s so much that I want to do now. I want to travel. I want to get married. I want to have kids. There are so many poems that I haven’t written and songs I haven’t heard. So it’s terrifying for me to think that I came so close. My problems were small back then. They were teenage problems. But I came one step away from not being. And I had made the decision to take that step. I’m afraid that I can go back to that place again. And next time, my problems will probably not be so small.”
I tried to do this and it felt as though I was facing my death. Please take a moment to appreciate how much skill, upper body strength, footwork, bravery, and confidence this move requires. I mean their entire bodies are straight, they have to twist on their feet, fall effortlessly forward without flinching, and then catch themselves too.
So lemme get this straight. Clarke has all these reasons for putting people on the list and for leaving them out. Her reasoning for Harper not being on the list is because there’s the SLIGHTEST possibility that she might inherit a genetic illness and wasting resources on her is just too much. That is literally enough to keep someone off. Harper is her friend, and yet it’s not enough. Clarke also picks a young female guard over a male one because logically they’re the ones that will have children and continue their population. These are Clarke’s strict standards and reasoning.
NOW INSERT ARK MAN QUESTIONING BELLAMY BLAKE. Clarke’s thoughts automatically do not go to why he should be on the list! She does not think about how great of a leader he is or how resourceful he would be. BECAUSE THAT’S NOT WHY CLARKE PUT HIM ON THE LIST. She literally thinks she can’t defend herself without sounding “self serving.” WHY?? Because she wrote down Bellamy’s name FOR HER. Not for the others, not so they could survive. Clarke wanted Bellamy to LIVE. She didn’t think about what he could or couldn’t do for their people. She wrote his name down because she knew she NEEDED HIM AND WANTED HIM THERE AND THAT’S THE TEA. 🍵🐸
“Dakota doesn’t know this, but I will sometimes watch old videos of her on talkshows when she was like 6. She was so cute! I will just watch them over and over again.. Then they make me cry for some reason.”
You had always been close to the guys…well at least six of them. You had worked as an intern at BigHit when the guys were trainees and eventually debuted. However, you moved onto a bigger and better job, but still managed to stay good friends with the group. You somehow ended up at JYP in hopes of being a manager one day. But you were still one of their treasured friends, and they valued your input towards the group.
You don’t know when the feelings started. Well to be completely honest, you didn’t even realize you had these feelings for Namjoon. But what Hoseok said was true. You were always shy around him, but somehow making him happy became important to you. You noticed all the subtle things about him and studied him like a book unconsciously. Before you knew it, you knew all the things he loved and all the things he resented.
But he became increasingly cold towards you. He never really treated you like the other boys, who were always open and friendly with you. And maybe that’s why you fell for him. Because you had to figure him out and he was always on your mind. He became your favorite puzzle to solve and once it was solved, it became your hobby making sure the puzzle stayed whole and beautiful.
Summary: You lost your hand in an explosion and receives a metal one similar to Bucky’s.
Warnings: Injury (??)
Words: 2 192
Y/N: Woah it’s been a while since I posted I’m sorry bout that. Anyway, here’s some random Bucky thing I had in mind!
She slowly began to detect the light behind her closed eyelids. Images of the accident crashed into her mind like a hurricane, causing her heart to start beating furiously. She could still hear her own scream, still feel the pain.
“Y/N?” She could have sworn it was Bruce speaking, but his voice sounded distant. She could barely hear it.
She remembered the deafening ringing in her ears after the bomb had gone off. The warm wetness of her own blood on her face, staining her skin gruesomely. She remembered her body becoming paralyzed from the agony. Her throat had began to taste of blood from her dry and almost inhumanly loud scream.
“Y/N?” It was Steve, and she was certain this time around. She could hear him call her name somewhere in her dazed head. She wanted to pry her eyes open and look at the man, but she couldn’t.
She felt the numbness in her entire, right arm and felt her breathing become shallow as she realized what awaited her when she’d come to her senses.
“Calm down, Y/N. You’re okay now, alright? We’re all back at the Tower. Everyone of us are here and no one else is hurt.” Steve rambled, trying to reassure her. She wanted to cry both because she was scared and because she was happy. She didn’t cry for neither of those reasons as her body finally allowed her to even open her eyes.
The bright lights felt as if they burned her eyes like the sun itself. Her vision was blurry and unfocused yet she detected movement around her.
“Hey…” She felt the warmness of a hand on her arm, seeing what she recognized to be Steve’s figure in front of her. “Are you good? Do you feel okay?”
She shook her head no, but he knew what she meant. Bruce came to the other side of the hospital bed she laid in and and placed his hands on the handles along the sides.
“You remember, don’t you?” He suspected, eyes looking down at her with pity as she slowly nodded. Bruce and Steve exchanged a look over the bed before turning to look down at her again.
“Just take it slow. Remember that even if it isn’t your own flesh, it’s still you.” Steve smiled painfully and squeezed her left arm softly for further reassurance.
Not having it in her to wait any longer, she turned her head slightly towards her right and looked down, seeing the metal hand rest at her side and reaching up to her forearm where its edge was hidden behind bandages, her reddened and scarred arm continuing above the tightly wrapped fabric.
She whimpered, feeling sick to the very core of her bones. She couldn’t feel her entire arm due to the sedatives, but she would never be able to feel her hand again. It was gone, blown away by the bomb she had tried to grab and throw away before it exploded. Obviously, she had failed, and she would have to live with her actions for the rest of her life.
“Bucky has been with you day and night since we got home, but when you started to wake up, he said he couldn’t see your reaction to all of this, so he left…” Steve explained as he was sure she had already wondered where Bucky was, and he was right. Amongst the first things she noticed was the lack of his presence in the room as she woke up. She couldn’t be mad at him though. He had suffered through the loss of a limb before. Watching someone else do the same would bring up old memories she doubted were even remotely pleasant.
The change of subject calmed her down and distracted her from her lack of a right hand. Yet, she still thought of it subsequently as she thought of when Bucky would visit her.
“Don’t try and move your arm yet. You need to heal and rest before you do anything, arm or not… But I have to say, Tony did a superb work.“
She nodded before her mind began to drift again. "How long have I-” Steve held up a hand kindly to hinder her from speaking further and straining her voice.
“Two days, going on your third.” Steve answered, studying her closely to figure out how she was feeling. The amount of time she had been out did not seem to bother her but he could see her eyes continuously trying to catch a glimpse of her hand.
“Did everyone else make it?” She bit her lip as she tried to contain the overwhelming emotions that came crashing down on her like a wave.
“Yes. Everyone’s alright.” He assured. “You saved their lives… You’re a hero.”
She huffed, looking away from Steve. She didn’t feel like a hero even the slightest. She did not see their mission as accomplished but as failed. How could she be a hero when a third of her arm had been blown off? She didn’t understand Steve’s logic at all.
“It’s true.” He attempted to convince her. “I don’t doubt you feel pretty roughed up right now, but you saved the lives of a dozen people. Your sacrifice saved them.”
She bit down on her lip. She could feel the unexplainable loss of her hand. It felt as if it should be there at the same time as she could feel it was gone. She swore she could feel the tip of her fingers, but she didn’t feel them at all. It was all games that her mind played.
“When can I move it?” She managed to ask Bruce who had been silent for a while. He cleared his throat and looked down at her bionic hand.
“Your nerves were also injured in the explosion. Your new hand is already connected to your nerve system but it will all need a few days to heal and adapt.” He looked her in the eyes briefly. “An exact time is impossible to determine.”
She nodded vaguely and propped her head to the center of her pillow and stared up at the ceiling. Only a second after, the door opened, and in came Bucky. She looked up at him but he didn’t meet her stare. His glossed-over eyes went instantly to her hand and his jaw tightened. He would never admit it, but he had cried for her. The turmoil and torture he had gone through because of his own arm was too much for himself to grasp. For something so awful to happen to such a pure girl like Y/N had been harder on him than he would have thought.
“Bucky helped a lot.” Steve said as he noticed his old friend stare speechlessly at Y/N’s new hand. She looked up at Steve. “He let Tony completely break down his arm to create as good of a hand as we could for you.”
She barely believed the Captain. “Really?” She turned towards Bucky whose cheeks were flushing red. “Thank you.”
He didn’t want to be thanked. He wanted to be forgiven. He should have attempted to disarm the bomb, not Y/N. It should have been him.
Bucky made his way to the roof of the Stark Tower, knowing Y/N was there. Ever since Tony was so kind to build a medium sized greenhouse there after her accident, knowing how much she loved gardening, she had dedicated most of her wake time to her hobby. Partially it was because she liked gardening, the other part was because she was hiding from everyone. She didn’t want them to see her struggle with her new hand but would rather practice alone.
The luscious greenhouse came into his sight. The plants around the walls grew so thickly it was impossible to spot Y/N through them. He walked up to the open, glass door and looked down the pebble isle in the center. Further down the isle, Y/N was kneeling on the soft rocks and holding a watering can with both her hands.
He knocked twice on the open doors to make her aware of his presence. Her eyes snapped up in surprise and almost as if it was a reflex, her left hand covered her fright one.
“You don’t have to hide it.” He said as he took slow steps further inside the warm and humid greenhouse which smelled heavenly of jasmine and white tobacco. “Not to me.”
He waved his left arm in the air childly and smiled as he heard her chuckle softly at his goofy behavior. Her smile faded and she looked down at her hands. Hesitantly, she dragged her left hand away and exposed the metal one to the rays of sunshine that managed to seep past the greenery around her. Bucky stared at it, hating that he felt comfort from such a tragic thing. He just didn’t want to be alone, and he wish Y/N would somehow understand that.
“How are your plants feeling?” He tried to have a casual conversation. He walked inside to the opening in the isle where there was a small shed for all of Y/N tools but also a bench where Bucky took a seat.
She shook her head clear, trying to keep up with his mood swinging and topic changing. “Good.” Her eyes traveled around her personal slice of heaven which she was unimaginably grateful for. Her eyes locked onto the rich, red strawberries which grew along the pathway through the greenhouse in a narrow line. She picked a big and juicy looking one, standing up and bringing it to Bucky. “Here, try it! It’s a mix of strawberries and wild strawberries. They’re extra sweet.”
Bucky raised his metal hand and Y/N hadn’t realized she had picked the strawberry with her right one, her new one. Embarrassed and ashamed, she still placed the berry in Bucky’s palm. Their fingers accidentally touched and the metal on metal clinked. She pulled her hand back and took a deep breath. She tried to convince herself to stop being such a baby, especially considering that it was Bucky sitting in front of her who had a metal hand of his own to care about.
He took a bite of the strawberry and chewed on it for a bit longer to let the flavor get to him. After a few moments, he let out a small grown and nodded pleasingly. “That is ridiculously good.” He looked at the rest of the strawberry in his hand with amazement. “I’m just gonna put it on the record, but if you get up here one day and all of your strawberries are gone, it might have been me.”
She chuckled again and it warmed him to see her happy. God knows she deserved it.
“How are you doing, by the way? I know you don’t want to talk about your hand but I just want to know that you don’t need help handling things or something.” He couldn’t contain himself. The reason he had came up to her greenhouse was to see that she was alright. Of course, he didn’t at allied just watching her care for her flowers and other greens. He simply enjoyed being in her presence and there was something peaceful about the small greenhouse she had created on the roof of the Stark Tower, surrounded by city everywhere you looked. He loved it, just as she did.
She looked down at her hand. It was still wrapped with bandages where the metal was connected with the skin. She knew how it looked underneath, and it looked bad. Her skin was sizzled and the dents where bubbles had formed in the heat of the explosion had created round dents in her skin. It was brutal, grotesque, and she didn’t want to ever remove it.
“Alright.” She said after a long pause. “I mean, I’m doing fine. I can do practically anything. It’s the mental part that’s not really keeping up.” She tried to laugh it off, like it wasn’t a big deal, but Bucky knew it was. He had been in her shoes more times than she could imagine. Broken and afraid, hating yourself.
“I’m always here, you know that right?” He startled her by asking. He had never been so open to her before. “If you ever want to talk, you know. I’m one of the few around here that can relate to what you’re going through.”
She huffed again, almost laughing. “You’re the only one Bucky. Last time I checked, no one else has a bionic limb here.”
He leaned back on the bench, eating up the rest of the strawberry casually. “Even more reason for you to spend some extra time with me.”