I know sometimes you don’t want to heal. You don’t want to take deep breaths. You don’t feel like grabbing ice cubes or drawing. You don’t think it’ll help to tell an adult. You don’t feel comfortable with therapy. You think you’ve tried everything and nothing else can possibly work. You want the very thing that keeps hurting you because it’s what you know. You’re afraid of judgment because you have secrets. You’re afraid of not being ‘sick enough’. You’re afraid you’ll never heal. You’re tired of pushing everyone away and being reclusive. You blame yourself because you feel like it’s all your fault, or that it’s the right thing to do. You’re upset because you’re losing control over your own life-and you no longer know what’s exactly right or best for you. Trust me, I know.
But I also know that becoming a bit embarrassed is better than splitting migraines from crying myself to sleep every night. I know that people aren’t always against you. I know that when people really want to help you, they don’t judge. I know what I am and what I’m not-so regardless of judgement, I’ll be okay. I know that talking to someone saved my life. I know that letting go of the past was the best decision of my life. I know that loving yourself is a lifelong journey, and that it doesn’t have to happen overnight, or in a week, or in a month. I know that being patient with myself isn’t easy, but neither is constantly being hard on myself. I know that I am loved, and I know that people care about me. I know that caring about myself is better than having the world at my feet. I know that things will always get better, in time. I know that setting unrealistic expectations for myself results in unrealistic results. I know that pushing myself too far isn’t always the best thing for me. I know that I don’t know everything, and I am able to live peacefully within myself.
It’s been three months since I fucked up. Ninety two damn days without seeing her smile, without hearing her voice, without her words. I haven’t been the same. How can I be that little girl’s dad? No wonder she doesn’t want her around me. I can’t stay like this much longer. Steph won’t answer the phone, Y/N, sure as hell won’t answer it. I don’t even think she’s still staying with Sooyoung. I haven’t heard a thing from any of them.
I sit in the studio day in and day out, trying to keep my cool but it never works. I always end up crying myself to sleep because I miss her so much. The picture in my office of us wasn’t helping me out at all. I was in my office sitting in my chair, more memories floated through my mind.
“What the hell!”
“You could have killed Sunghwa! What the fuck is your problem?! Stop being so fucking jealous of Sunghwa!”
“How can I not?! Every time I see you, you’re with some other guy. You think I didn’t see you with Wooyoung?! Who the hell do you want?! Is it Wooyoung or Sunghwa?!’”
“…Do you know how much it hurts me to see you with another man? I can’t stand it. It’s killing me. I just feel like I’m fucking up so much. I can’t lose you a second time.”
“I’m not with Wooyoung nor am I with Sunghwa. I’m with no one. Leave Sunghwa alone. Do it for me. Okay?”
“I can’t when I still love you.”
“Why the hell are you protecting him?! Move Y/N!”
“No! I’m not letting you hurt your friend over me, Jay!”
I can’t just sit around anymore and wait for something to happen. I have to do something or nothing will chance.
“WHAT?! YOU CAN’T! Y/N! I know you’re upset with everything, but you can’t!” Steph shouted. “You can’t stop me!”
I’m leaving Korea. I came to the decision last night. I can’t stay here anymore. Not that he knows. I don’t plan on ever coming back. It’s just too much trouble right now. Stephanie was trying to guilt trip me into staying. She wants Jay to accept that he’s a father and try to be be Seulgi’s dad. But I refuse to let him. I’m protecting the both of them this way. I’m saving Jay’s career by not pushing him into Seulgi’s life. And I’m protecting Seulgi by not letting her see what her dad father does for a living. And Steph doesn’t understand that.
“What about Jay? Don’t you think he deserves to be in her life?! He’s her father!”
“Don’t you think if he wasn’t some asshole with girls always hanging off his shoulder I would let him be her father?!” I screamed back. Steph only stared at with. She could see the hurt in my eyes.
“You still love him, don’t you?”
I couldn’t answer. I was too riled up. I walked into my room and slammed the door shut. I slid down the door and tried to control the tears that were now falling.
Mommy slammed the room door. She must be really upset. I was watching from the kitchen. Girls? Aunt Steph groaned and ran into her room. I looked on the counter and saw Mommy’s phone. I climbed on the chair and grabbed it. I typed in the password which was my birthday. April 25. 04/25/09. I went to contact and searched for my father’s name. Park Jaebeom. Why can’t my last name be Park. Park Seulgi. I like it. Does Mommy not like that? What happened between them?
I found it and sent a text message. “Meet me at the park by Sooyoung’s apartment. I need to talk to you.” I tried my best to sound like Mommy. I think I nailed it. I grabbd my backpack and rushed out the door, shutting the door quietly so Mommy and Aunt Steph can’t hear it. I ran for the park.
Once I got there, I sat on the bench holding Mommy’s phone. I watched a little girl and her parents on the swing set. The little girl and her mother were on the swings. The dad was pushing the both of them. The mother’s smile was very bright. The little girl’s laughter was heard all around the park. I saw a familiar car pull up. It was his car! He got out and looked around. We made eye contact and his eyes widened. He ran over to me. “Seulgi! What are you doing here by yourself?! Where’s your mother?”
“I sent the text.” I admitted jumping off the bench. I hug him tightly. “Daddy.”
I was frozen. I didn’t know what to do. How did she get her mother’s phone. There’s no way in hell she knows that Seulgi is in this park alone. She’ll kill me. “Seulgi, we need to get you home-” “No! I want spend time with, Daddy.” She squeezed tighter around my thighs. I squatted to her level. “Do you mean that? I don’t want you to be in trouble.” “I don’t want to believe what Mommy says about you. Spend time with me to prove her wrong.”
What does she say about me to? Is it all bad? I picked Seulgi up and put her on my waist. “You’re very heavy!” I joked kissing her cheek. Her laughed holding on to me tightly. Her laughter brought a smile to my face. Is this what it’s like to be a father. “How about we go get some ice cream?” She nodded her head and put it on my shoulder. I wrapped her legs around my waist to make she didn’t fall. We made our way to the a nearby ice cream parlor. I got us both a cone and we sat in one of the booths.
“Well, Seulgi. Is there anything you want to know or?” She nodded and pulled out a locket. Y/N’s locket that I got her for one of her birthdays. I remember that. She promised she’d wear it forever. Seulgi opened it and revealed the picture inside. “Did you give Mommy this?” “I did. She promised me she’d wear it forever. I’m just glad she kept it.” Tears were forming at the thought of the memory. Seulgi got out and sat next to me. She wrapped her little arms around me and pulled me into a hug. “Don’t cry, Daddy. Mommy and I still love you very much.” I couldn’t tell if that true or not, but I decided to just believe it. “Appa, can I see you work?”
“You wanna see me work?” She nodded and let go of me. “Okay. Finish your ice cream and maybe you can.” I watched her try to it her ice cream fast. “Slow! I don’t want you to get a brain freeze!”
Gosh, I’ve only been her actual parent for about 20 minutes and I sound as if I’ve been there her whole life. She obeyed and slowed down. Is this what it’s like being a parent? “Daddy! I’m finish!” “Great. Now go throw your trash away. And we’ll head to the studio.” She jumped out of her seat and threw away all of the trash. She must be really excited about going to the studio. No one I know has ever been excited to go to studio that doesn’t work there. I paid for the ice cream, grabbed Seulgi’s hand and walked out the parlor to the studio.
I sighed and unlocked the door. I looked around the living room. It seemed pretty quiet. Too quiet. “Steph! Where’s Seulgi?” “I thought she was with you!” She yelled through her bedroom door. “I thought she was with you. Wait! Where’s her backpack? Where’s my phone?” The door was unlocked. But it was locked earlier. Oh no! No no no! I grabbed my hoodie, slipped it on quickly and rushed outside. I ran down the sidewalk screaming her name. “SEULGI! SEULGI! SEULGI! SEULGI! Mommy’s sorry! SEULGI! SEULGI! Please come home! SEULGI!” As I screamed, tears were forming. I’ve never lost her before. It’s my biggest fear, just like it was my mom’s biggest fear to lose any of her children. Damn it! I’m such a failure! Maybe she’s at Sooyoung’s. I ran to her apartment and asked her if she saw her. She said no. I ran to the park nearby and she wasn’t there either. I began asking around, luckily I had a picture of her in the pocket of my hoodie.
We walked hand in hand into the studio. “Yo! It’s Jay!” I heard Joon Kyung’s voice. I looked up and saw some of my closest friends walking up toward me. Seulgi let go of my hand and hid behind my legs. “Who’s the kid?” Sik K asked. I smiled and looked down to see Seulgi tensed up, holding my legs. “Guys! This is my daughter, Seulgi.” I said proud. “Daughter?!” They all repeated. “JAY YOU HAVE A KID?!”
I nodded. “Seulgi-ah, they don’t bite.” I reassured her. “You promised, Daddy?” “Daddy promises sweetie.” She let go of my leg and moved to left to let everyone see her. “Be nice or I’ll kill you all!”
Finished! How was it? Did you enjoy it? Here’s the next chapter. Thanks for reading. Admin Kai and Admin June
I was so unhappy before. Self worth and self love wasn’t in my vocabulary. I hated everything about myself, I would cry myself to sleep almost every night. My father would always tell me, “Davina you need to be smart, because with the way you are you’ll never be athletic.” And for so long I believed him and in 2014 I finally took my life back. Fitness saved my life, it gave me something I could control. My father left and so did a lot of my friends I didn’t know what to do and it scared me that I couldn’t control anything in my life. I remember August 15, 2014 I was sobbing on my bed and then I looked in the mirror and told myself “Maybe I was meant to be fat and ugly and I just have to deal with it.” But then I realized how dumb that sounded. Why was I MEANT to be UNHAPPY? And on that day I changed EVERYTHING, my way of thinking, my way of eating, my way of living. I found Blogilates and and for the first time I was enjoying myself, I was finally proud of myself. Today I still working on a few emotional things but over all I’m so much happier! And I have God to thank. I’m thankful for Showing me this site, Blogilates, and of corse I’m so thankful for all of you are your endless support.
So I’m trying to go to sleep and suddenly I hear a kid crying in like fear and it’s pretty loud in my room so I get up and run to my younger brothers room and he’s sound asleep I assumed he had a bad dream and cover him up and go back to my room and the crying starts again so I run again to him and he’s sound asleep turns out it’s not him but idk where and who it is and I’m scared shirtless rn rolled up in a ball in bed and the kid keeps crying every few minute
“I’ve just been, uh…thinking…a lot lately.” “About what?” “I don’t know…everything. Can I tell you something?” “Shoot.” “I like guys, and I like girls. Pretty much anyone in between. That’s probably not news to you. But you wanna know how I first found that out?” “I dunno, do I?” “It was my parents’ fault. Well…mostly my dad’s. He was always too hard on me. They sent me to bootcamp when I was 13. To discipline the bad out of me. My first kiss was with a boy there…Charlie. He was the only thing that made that place tolerable…he made it worse, too, though. Not him, but…the bullying, getting beat up for it…getting called every possible slur, every dehumanizing thing you can imagine. I called home most nights crying…cried myself to sleep. Always crying.” “Santi…” “Sometimes I still think that was the worst time in my life…but then…” “What?” “Hey, uh…where’s Fiona? Is she here?” “No, she spends the weekends at my mother’s…why?” “You wanna take a drive? Let’s go somewhere. Anywhere.”
no one knows i always cry myself to sleep. no one knows how hard i try to wake up everyday and act as if everything is fine. no one knows how broken i am inside. no one knows how i wanted to die so bad, because life is too much, people are too much. im tired of trying to fit in. im tired of being not enough for someone. i just want someone to accept and understand me. i just want to feel loved, wanted and appreciated. i feel so alone. i feel as if my emotions are not valid, as if im not allowed to feel this way. i feel like im different from everyone and im just no one. im just tired of everything. i want to rest. i dont want to feel pain anymore.
Imagine: you and Justin broke up as you left him after a little misunderstanding one night when he came home drunk. Justin has been acting up so Scooter asks you to check up on him.
You got a call from Scooter the other day asking you to check up on Justin. Lately all you seem to notice was Justin’s name appear on the headlines and you knew he was going through a tough time. You were a little hesitant on going considering the fact you haven’t seen Justin since you left him a few months ago, but you decided to see him just this once.
You walk into Justins house remembering where he kept the spare key. You searched around but you weren’t able to find him. Suddenly you hear the sound of guitar strums coming from the balcony. Confused, you walk towards the balcony to see Justin with his guitar. You suddenly became nervous, you weren’t sure what his reaction would be when he sees you. You take a deep breath before opening the balcony door.
Justin immediately looks up, shocked. You give him a small smile as you close the balcony door before walking towards him.
“What are you doing here?” Justin asks, you weren’t sure if he was shock to see you or upset. You take a few steps towards him.
“Scooter told me you would be here…” You say quietly, trying your best not to sound nervous. You didn’t know why you felt so anxious and scared but it’s been about 3 months since you since last saw him and you didn’t know what to expect from him.
He looks at you before turning away to look at the street below us. “Look, If you’re just here to tell me things I don’t have time for, you can just leave…” He says bitterly.
“Why are you acting like this?” You ask sounding hurt, even though you guys weren’t together you hate seeing him like this.
Justin takes a deep breath before looking at you once again. “You left.” He says harshly, you looked into his eyes and his expression was hurt and angry.
You suddenly felt a pang of guilt through your chest. “Justin…”
“What happened? We were just doing fine and suddenly you left. You left without telling me, without any explanation. Now you’re going to fucking ask why I’m acting like this!?” He yells, causing you to take a step back. He never yelled at you like that and it took you by surprise.
“It wasn’t working out and you know that-” You try to explain but Justin immediately cuts you off.
“Bullshit…” He mumbles under his breath but you still heard him and it stung like hell.
You felt tears peak within the corner of your eyes. “Okay fine! You want the truth?!” You raise your voice catching Justin’s attention. You take a deep breath before continuing. “I left because I was scared…I was scared of the fact that I wasn’t good enough for you, I mean for crying out loud Justin I see you hang out with models and other celebrities why the hell did you choose me?!” You say truthfully and this time you couldn’t control your feelings anymore. “I just want you happy and I feel like I’m just not giving you that, you deserve so much better and we both know that.” You say as you quickly wipe away your tears. Justin looks at you for a few seconds not saying anything.
You both stood there in silence but just as you were about to speak, he finally answers.
“Y/N yes I hang out with models and other female celebrities but they don’t compare to you and we both know that….I chose you because I love you so where is this coming from?” He asks confused. That’s the thing you hated about Justin, he could always see right through you. He knew you inside and out.
You take another deep breath, afraid to say the truth. You look him in the eyes, trying your best to control yourself. “Y-You came home drunk a week ago…as I was cleaning you up you said some things” You say and you felt tears roll down your cheeks. Justin nods waiting for you to continue. “Justin you kept calling me Selena, you kept telling me that you loved me because you thought I was Selena…” You say and at this point your lips were quivering from trying to hold back your tears but it wasn’t working.
Justins expression was confused and shocked. He slowly took a step back shaking his head. “I didn’t say that- I would never say that.”
“You did…” You say trying not to let you anger take over.
Justin quickly walks over to you, as he tries to hold your hand. “I didn’t mean it I was drunk…”
“Yes Justin you were drunk but you were telling the truth!” You yell trying to push him away. There was a reason why you left and you weren’t going to let him get to you.
“Y/N I love you, only you.” Justin says and you could hear the sadness in his voice but you ignored it.
“Do you really?” You say looking at him, unconvinced.
“Stop.” Justin says desperately but his voice was firm. Slowly his eyes were turning red which usually meant he was about to cry.
“No you stop.” You say looking him in the eye. “I can’t be with someone who’s not honest with me about their feelings…”
“Y/N believe me…I really do love you…” He says looking you into your eyes.
“How am I so sure that you really love me? Justin you haven’t been yourself lately and I know 100% it’s not because of me…” You say and every word felt heavy, making it harder for you to breathe.
“What are you talking about?” He says not understanding.
“The way you look at her is not the same when you look at me.” You say quietly, you hesitate before continuing. “When you sing your songs, I know for sure its not me You’re thinking about…” You say feeling your tears hit your chest.
“y/N-” Justin says, you close your eyes as you stop him from getting any closer.
“It’s okay. Even though I saw it coming, it still hurts….but I’m going to be okay. Don’t worry.” You say quietly, trying your best to sound convincing.
“We can still work this out…please” he pleads desperately as he tries to hold your hand but you kept pushing him away.
“Work what out? There’s nothing to fix, you can’t keep lying to yourself Justin or else someone going to get hurt and I’m just not ready for that kind of pain…” You say unsteady but it was the truth.
“Everything you’re saying right now is wrong…” Justin says shaking his head. You remain silent as you look at him confused.
Justin looks at you as a tear falls from his eye. “When you left why was it you that I was always thinking about. Why did I cry myself to sleep at night hoping you were gonna come back. Why can’t I sleep nor eat…why am I so upset at the fact that you left. Don’t fucking tell me that doesn’t show how much I love you!” He yells, you felt a lump in your throat, you didn’t know what to say at this point. You were having mix feelings about the situation and you weren’t sure what to do.
“But that’s not the truth…you called me Selena you obviously still have feelings for her.” You say frustrated, you weren’t going to forget that and you don’t think you ever will.
Justin doesn’t say anything as he sucks in his jaw before looking at you. “Why did you leave? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Do you know how difficult it is to tell someone you love that you’re leaving them?” You say and you knew what you said hit him. You felt your tears rise up again. You didn’t know what to say anymore, but you knew you were hurt. You couldn’t face him anymore…you couldn’t do it anymore.
“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have come here….” You say wiping away your tears before turning towards the door.
“Y/N!” You hear Justin yell, but you continued to walk. You made it to his door, you take one last glance before leaving.
"Your mother- Always remember that she loved you."
on anon (or not!), send things you think will make my muse smile (accepting)
i never met my mother;
words which promptly ring in his mind in response. LOUD, like bells tolling for a dead king — tolling for his own mother’s demise, who’s to say? it is not for him to say if she’s dead or alive; he doesn’t know, he never knew. there was PROMISE from his lord father to unveil that mystery, next time they were to meet. whether it was A LIE of Ned Stark’s or the gods taking him for a puppet on strings parading for a mummer’s farce, however, Jon cannot say. the SOLE remaining option is to patiently await the ending of his own days, so the two can meet anew in some sort of heavenly paradise OR one of the Seven Hells, instead. what’s the world coming to, when existing as a CORPSE promises to bring more solace than to keep breathing — no wonder more and more WIGHTS rise, with each passing day.
nevertheless, none of the aforementioned JUSTIFIES the gray walker’s claim. how can they possibly possess any knowledge of his mother? for the woman, whoever she is or once was, belongs in the realms of imagination only — her face as UNKNOWN as her name. or so his father has always assured… what if somebody knew her? what if somebody knew her without Lord Eddard knowing they knew? far too many lose ends, and no spindle to WRAP the thread around… but one thing Jon Snow knows, besides NOTHING — that this phrase, EVERY term in it woven together to make a whole, warms his heart. perhaps it is deceit, perhaps no more than an attempt to grant him a tad bit of solace, if temporary. but it does succeed.
I became what I didn’t want to, a drop out from high school, working a stupid fast food job on minimum wage, living pay check to pay check because my apartment it 1,300 a month, my bf doesn’t even want to have sex or even touch me, a dog and a cat that fucking piss everywhere, I want to make my life better I want to be happy for just once and not cry myself to sleep or struggle to keep it together and always have a negative look on life, I want happiness that’s all i want
Been a long time since the last time I had to cry myself to sleep. But it always comes back as if it was my willingness. No it is not; I did not do so on purpose.
They all flashed back. The worst moments of my life flashed back.
And at that very moment, I realized how bad a person I am, so maybe that’s why I accept the bad way people treat me.
I always regret the way I treated my ex LOL It sounds riduculous, but I walked out of that relationship being a winner, but years later could I understand what I did and how I became such a heartless cold bitch leaving him all alone when he needed me most.
And that is why now I’m falling for a person who never understands and listens. Who is with me when he needs me, but also leaves me when I need him.
Yesterday, all day long, I pretended to feel good trying to accomplish all necessary tasks before lying down to take some rest. At the very moment I wanna rest, my mind reminded me of my mood swing, so I did not lie down but literally BROKE DOWN. I heard the cracking sound from my own heart.
And I cried. Till when I slept.
Now it all restarts: a new day, I, and the bad moods, again.
I want you to move on, I want you to be happy. I will always care about you. I wonder about you all the time. I want to be your friend. But that isn’t how ex’s work, sadly. I miss the you, the one when first starting dating. I bet you miss that me too. I know I do. We went through a lot of shit together. And even though you made me cry myself to sleep countless times, apart of me will always love you. That’s just how it works. I hope you find someone. Someone who really makes you happy, and I hope I have completely moved on by then so I don’t get jealous and try to stop you. Maybe one day, maybe, we can be close again.
my name is natalie and i’m fat. i’ve been more fat than i am now. i have been less fat. i’ve been the same fat. i’m fat from the side, fat from the front, fat from the back…you get the point.
fat girls have been lied to over and over in many ways our whole fat existences - told that we are restricted to certain styles/trends of clothing because anything too tight/short/revealing isn’t ‘flattering’. told that we should be glad to be hit on/cat-called by creepy men because hey, at least it’s something, right?! told that the world isn’t open to us and that we can’t be incredible creatures because we’re fat. told that we’re ugly/undesirable/weak/stupid/disgusting. told that we don’t deserve to be loved…or even to live.
it’s not true. none of it is true.
people ask me often - “i hate myself. how do you do it?” it’s simple.
one day, i decided that i was worth greatness, whatever size i was or wasn’t.
i wish i could go back to awkward, shy 13 year old me, look her dead in the eye and tell her that she. is. perfect. tell her that she can go anywhere, be anyone, wear anything and that she will always be important and will never, ever, ever be merely ‘the fat girl’.
i won’t drown in sweat in texas summers to cover my fat arms in sweaters or shield my thunder thighs from the spring breeze just because you don’t want to see them. my fat arms and thunder thighs have always been here for me when much of the world wasn’t. i won’t be beat down by people who do not care if i cry myself to sleep at night.
my mom has always told me that i am my biggest fan and ya know what?
you’re allowed to feel good. don’t let anyone take that away from you.
bottom louis manips are the reason i cry myself to sleep.
you know how louis is always super protective of harry and always seems tough but he’s a little kitten power bottom in bed and harry always starts off gentle and slow and louis begs him to rush the pace and harry keeps teasing him then suddenly rushes it till louis moans his name at the top of his lungs and that’s when harry is the toughest with that smirk you just imagined on his face and louis’ weakness is unsurprisingly a divine for both of them… i cry
I always smile to hide the pain. I always smile in front of the people because I don't want them to ask. I always smile because they are used to see me happy. I always smile because I have to. But when I'm alone, I always cry myself to sleep. I always cry to free myself from the pain. I always cry because I can't hold on much longer. I guess, I'm an eccedentesiast.
karlie kloss does so much in one day she has like 5 wardrobe changes, gets papped each time, does 7 interviews, posts all the promo she needs to post that day, eats a balanced healthy meal, works out, does 6 photoshoots in 3 different countries, probably calls her mom, goes for a run, takes time to empower young women, regularly updates her snapchat, reads the wall street journal, posts an instagram, goes to nyu, always looks good and im laying in bed everyday watching all this unfold with my laptop resting on my stomach like “pants,,,,, r they worth it 2day?????”