I should leave. Why? Because I don’t want you to lie here and feel like you have to look after me.I don’t feel like I’m looking after you. And why… Why is that wrong? There’s nothing wrong with it. I just can’t stand you lying here all sad.
Who was it again? He was sure he knew that voice. A voice
that belonged to someone dear to his heart.
“Yuuri, I’m going back to Russia.”
What? No. You can’t
“I’m sorry. I’m
happier on the ice.”
He was leaving?
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
No. I don’t want you
Please, don’t leave.
Ah, but Yuuri knew it would happen eventually, didn’t he? He
knew it all along. Victor belonged in the ice. He was only going to be with
Yuuri for a short time. A little moment to get some inspiration back for his
Where were they? It was so dark. So cold. So empty. All that
Yuuri could see was Victor’s back as he was leaving. Yuuri’s hands reached out
on their own, trying to hold onto Victor’s fading image. His heart felt like
giving out from the force of denying the desire to go after the other man. He
didn’t have the right to hinder Victor from what he had decided to do.
But I don’t want this.
Come back. Come back.
Please stay. I want
you to stay with me.
Yuuri crushed that voice that kept threatening his resolve
to let Victor go. If that was what Victor wanted, then he would honor it. He
had decided, hadn’t he?
He had taken Victor’s time. Had taken whatever the man could
give him. He wouldn’t take anything else from Victor anymore, especially not
I don’t want this.
I don’t want this.
That voice inside his head just wouldn’t stop. His voice. Why
won’t it stop?
Stay with me.
Stay by my side!
Yuuri was panting, his heart hammering in his chest.
Confused, he looked around to get his bearings. What had happened to him?
That same voice, the one he heard just moments ago. The
voice he loved hearing alongside his own. He turned toward the speaker, and
found Victor’s worried expression looking back at him.
“You’re still here,” Yuuri breathed. He was still affected
by the emotions from his dream. Was that relief he could hear in his tone?
“Why wouldn’t I be?” Victor returned, sounding as puzzled as
he looked. “What’s wrong, Yuuri? You look so scared. Bad dream?” Victor slid
towards him, the sheets rustling as he did.
Ah, Yuuri remembered now. That was the day he had gotten
back from the Rostelecom Cup. Tired from the flight, Yuuri was intending to
sleep once he got home which Victor agreed to.
At Yuuri’s door, Victor had grabbed his hand and requested, “Sleep
beside me, tonight?”
Yuuri couldn’t say no to that. Not when he had missed Victor
so much. Their time apart had been too long, had been so lonely. The older man
must have been feeling so as well to ask them to sleep together.
So both of them decided to sleep that night in Victor’s bed.
It was still dark outside though, which meant they had woken up in the middle
of the night.
Warmth enveloped Yuuri as he was wrapped in a tight embrace,
pulling him away from his thoughts of earlier that night. After that nightmare,
Victor’s hug was definitely what he needed to steady himself. “Mmm,” was all
that Yuuri managed to say in reply to Victor. He was still shaken from that
He knew he shouldn’t have slept that night while he was
thinking. But honestly, he hadn’t noticed he had fallen asleep. He only planned
to think about everything that had transpired recently, but his mind wandered
to what happens after the Grand Prix Final. In a few days, they were leaving
for Barcelona. The Grand Prix Final was just around the corner, so of course he
got waylaid by thoughts of the future.
Sure, he was determined to make Victor stop being his coach,
and he was resolved to support the man in whatever he planned to do next. They
had only talked about the Grand Prix Final, never broaching the subject beyond
Yuuri had no clue about what Victor wanted to do after the
competition. In a way, he was touched by how much Victor had focused only on
him throughout the Grand Prix Series. But the end was nearing, and with it,
might come the end for their stay together.
What did Victor want to do afterwards? More importantly,
what was Yuuri planning to do? He was set on retiring after this season. What
would he do once he retired, then? He wasn’t sure of that yet.
A thought kept pushing its way to Yuuri’s mind. A wish, a
small hope, really. One he kept tightly locked up inside himself. He was so
afraid that once he had given it a chance, it would grow into something more.
He was afraid he would desire it so strongly. He wouldn’t be able to take it if
he was denied, and so he kept ignoring it. Wishful thinking wouldn’t get him
But what if?
Damn that voice. What did he have to do to make it stop?
His thoughts were interrupted by a touch between his brows.
“You get this ‘V’ right here,” Victor murmured as he pressed
onto the area, “whenever you’re thinking too much, Yuuri.”
“I’m sorry. I got lost in thought,” Yuuri said
apologetically. He looked up at Victor and offered a small smile.
“The same thoughts that had you screaming awake?”
Had he screamed? He couldn’t remember now. If only the dream
was as easily forgotten.
“You want to talk about it?” Victor offered softly. He
started stroking up and down Yuuri’s back to comfort the skater.
“I’m fine, Vitya,” Yuuri declared firmly. “I guess I was
just feeling a bit stressed.”
Victor didn’t seem convinced, but the Russian let it go with
a shake of his head. He did that whenever he thought the younger man was being
needlessly stubborn. Deciding to take a different course of action, Victor
asked, “Can’t I do anything for you?”
Yuuri gave a genuine smile at that. He was always so
thoughtful of him and his feelings, his Victor. Nothing had changed.
Nothing had to change,
That thought snuck its way into Yuuri’s head, catching him
off-guard that he clutched at Victor reflexively. He laid his head on Victor’s
shoulder to hide his expression. His distress was surely on his face right now
and he didn’t want to show it.
“Yuuri?” Victor sounded worried again.
“Just, please. I just need this,” Yuuri rasped as he clung tighter
to Victor. He wasn’t lying. He needed to be held as much as he wanted to hold
onto Victor. He could still recall the emptiness he suffered after his Free
Skate performance. He felt that something was missing. Try as he might, he
couldn’t find it.
Until he saw Victor again. Those hours Yuuri spent far apart
from his coach were excruciating. He hadn’t experienced that before. The
temporary loss hurt more than he thought it would. It was only relieved the
moment he felt Victor’s hug, as if his soul knew it had come home right there
in Victor’s arms.
That was from just a temporary
separation. What if it became permanent?
You can’t take it. You
It hurt. His thoughts hurt too much.
“Shh,”Victor whispered in Yuuri’s ear. “Why the tears,
Yuuri hadn’t realized he was crying. Try as he might, he
couldn’t say anything to respond. He was a mess–his thoughts were overwhelming
and his heart was feeling too much. Yuuri tightened his grip on Victor’s shirt
in a silent plea for more. What more, he didn’t know. He knew nothing anymore.
“I’m here, Yuuri,” Victor reassured empathically. “I’m right
Yuuri cried harder, his emotions spiralling out of control. Maybe
this was what Yuuri needed right now-to purge whatever negativity his nightmare
had given him. Victor must have known. It must be why Victor didn’t stop Yuuri
from weeping. Victor just held on tighter to Yuuri’s trembling form and kept murmuring
the same words: I’m right here.
When the tears finally abated, Yuuri felt so worn out but also
relieved. Crying his heart out helped ease his distress.
Victor was now stroking Yuuri’s head with one hand, the
other enfolding Yuuri in a loose hold. “Feel better?”
“Hai,” Yuuri sighed.
He definitely felt lighter.
“You got snot on my shirt, Yuuri,” the older man teased.
Yuuri lifted his head up so fast he became dizzy. “I’m so sorry,”
he exclaimed in embarrassment as he looked up at Victor.
“You finally looked at me.” Victor cupped Yuuri’s face in his
hands, warmth in every touch. His expression was one of utmost tenderness. Perhaps
it was because of the lighting, or the intimacy of their positions, or most likely
the combination of the two, but Yuuri thought Victor was so beautiful at that
Yuuri never wanted to lose this.
You won’t have to.
Just say it.
Tell him what you want
If only he could, but no. Yuuri wouldn’t be that selfish.
You want to stay
together with him, that voice insisted.
Yes, he acquiesced,
finally admitting to himself that painful desire.
Then ask him to stay.
Only if that was what
Victor wanted as well.
On that, he wouldn’t budge. Yuuri was all too aware of what
awaited Victor if his coach ever decided to return to skating. His fans would
still be there for him, were even now clamoring for him to come back. And if
Victor did decide to skate again, he would support the other man.
But it wouldn’t necessarily mean they wouldn’t be together
then. Now that Yuuri had acknowledged his desire to stay with the Russian man,
new thoughts were beginning to take form. After all, Victor had left his
skating career on hold for Yuuri. Why couldn’t Yuuri do the same this time
Once Yuuri retired, nothing would hold him back from going
with Victor. And if, or when, the time comes for Victor to retire, they would
still be together. They had been through so much and had grown stronger
How many times had he claimed that they would win with the
power of love? They wouldn’t just fall apart. Yuuri was starting to really believe
“Ah, happy thoughts at last, my Yuuri?”
That startled the skater back into focus. “How did you know?”
he asked as he gazed into Victor’s eyes which held only affection.
Victor gave Yuuri a fond smile. “Your face says whatever it
is you’re thinking or feeling. I’ve been with you long enough to know.”
Victor waited a beat, and then blew out a breath. Yuuri
obviously wasn’t planning on sharing anything with him. Well, he hadn’t shared
yet either. He was still waiting for the right time, and Yuuri evidently was as
well. Guess they were both going to play a waiting game, then.
Deciding to take the subject somewhere else, Victor reminded
the dark-haired man, “My birthday’s coming up, Yuuri. What are you giving me?”
Yuuri glanced at Victor, seeing the quirky smile he adored
on Victor’s lips. Thankful that they were moving on to other matters, Yuuri
played along and muttered, “Something round and golden.”
“Wow,” Victor rejoiced, “Is this the continuation for your
proposal from the airport?”
Heat crept up from Yuuri’s neck to his cheeks. Victor was
never going to let that go. Groaning from embarrassment, Yuuri hid under the blanket
and ignored Victor’s teasing grin.
“Yuuri, ne, Yuuri, is it?” Victor kept bugging Yuuri for an
answer playfully. He was glad that his skater was feeling better. The scream
Victor heard from Yuuri was branded onto his memory. He never wanted his Yuuri
to do that again.
“Go back to sleep, Victor,” Yuuri said, his voice muffled
from under the covers.
Victor laughed, the sound like music to Yuuri’s ears. Victor
gave up on pestering Yuuri and settled down to lie beside him.
“I do need the blanket as well, Yuuri.”
Yuuri lifted one side of the blanket, an invitation for the
silver-haired man. One which Victor took, of course. He wasn’t an idiot.
Victor pulled Yuuri towards him, his front to Yuuri’s back.
Spooning, they were spooning. Victor’s arm was fastened at Yuuri’s middle, the
latter’s hand entwined with the former.
Yuuri was about to fall asleep when he heard Victor whisper,
“Let’s take this one moment at a time, Yuuri.”
“I wish we’d never stop,” Victor muttered sleepily.
Those words, they wove their way into Yuuri’s fearful heart
and anchored themselves there. They might have been words said unwittingly, but
it was enough to give Yuuri some hope of a positive future.
They still have this moment. Yuuri was sure they would get
where they both wanted to be. Wherever and whatever that may be, he will just
have to trust that the power of love would guide them.
Victor was right. They just have to take it one moment at a
Okay. So, we’ve gotten a glimpse of what Yuuri’s thought process was
like in Episode 9, but nothing yet from Victor. How I wish Episode 10 would
help and give us a damn clue already. We’ll have to wait for another week to
I took full liberty with this one. I’ve been seeing a lot of positive and negative thoughts on Episode 9 that it got me thinking: What can I do to get the fandom’s spirits back up? I can’t draw for sh!t, and my laptop breaks down every time I try to make an AMV. The last resort was this: a hastily written fanfic with a bad attempt on cheering people up. Do pardon any mistake or poorly written sentence I have made.
Now, we’ve all watched over them both since Episode 1. Wherever
Victor and Yuuri’s journey takes them, whatever path they both decide to go on,
let’s all believe in the show and what Victor and Yuuri had always shown us: the power of love can win it all.
I love this show, I love this fandom, and I love Victuri.
Maybe we only have one real love, maybe I won’t ever meet someone like you, and maybe I won’t ever be as good with somebody else that I could have been with you.. But I’m tired, and it’s time to love myself a bit.