cry until i pass out

anonymous asked:

On a scale from Ok to S H O O K how are you feeling about the ending of WKM?

I am at the “lying on the floor crying until I cannot anymore, and passing out of sadness to wake up in more sadness than the night before” scale haha - Mod Lily

21 days to break a habit

9/11 (day 0) I hung on to your last words as you told me “goodbye, I’ll always love you, and you’ll always be my best friend,” with mascara and salt water streaming down my cheeks. if you love me, why are you leaving me? I keep repeating in my mind. instead i cry so hard I pass out until 3 am when I wake up and after realizing I’m waking up to a nightmare instead of from one, I run to the bathroom and vomit until I fall asleep again, you tweeted about me but it’s just what your last words to me on the phone were “you will forever be my best friend and I will always love you” I go to my parents and gutturally scream into my moms arms. she cries with me.

9/12 (day 01) I stay at my parents house all day in my parents bed sobbing in pure confusion. I’m in so much pain I feel myself shaking profusely and crying so hard my head pounds and my eyes hurt. nothing about this breakup seems right. this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. this can’t be it.

9/13 (day 02) my best friend is in town so he tries to cheer me up as best he can…
but he doesn’t understand… he’s never lost anyone like this. my mom tells me I’m in the grieving stage… but it honestly hasn’t even hit me that this is real… I feel like I’m in some horrible nightmare that I’ll just wake up from and you’ll be there to tell me so… you did that once when I had a dream you left me for your ex.. but this isn’t a dream and you won’t be here to comfort me ever again…

9/14 (day 03) my friends wanted to take me to a party to take my mind off of you so I dressed up and put makeup on (three times because I kept crying it off my face.) a boy flirted with me and as soon as I could get away from him and my friends, I drank vodka until I foolishly called you and begged for you back. you told me you’d have to think about it… I know you shouldn’t have to, and I should’ve told you to go fuck yourself but it was more hope than I’d had in two days.

9/15 (day 04) i wake up with a hangover, dry tears on my face, and your necklace that you hung around my rearview mirror clutched tightly in my fist. I wait for your call all day, jumping every time my phone vibrates. how is it even possible that you disappoint me even when I know not to expect anything from you anymore? I have to pull over on my way home from work because I can’t see the road through my tears.

9/16 (day 05) i wore your clothes to bed last night. they don’t smell like you anymore. i just want you to call me and say you made a mistake and you want me again… that movie we were so excited to see together comes out Friday and if you would just call…

9/17 (day 06) I laughed today for the first time since you left… then I saw a few pictures you liked and snapped right back into the pain.. a picture with the words “It’s 2 am and I miss you just like I did last night at 9 pm and just like I will tomorrow at 6 am when I wake up without you” was placed in your liked section on Pinterest… but I thought you didn’t care? you never called me back like you said you would… you liked the picture on the thirteenth and still haven’t called or texted or… anything… HOW IS THIS SO EASY FOR YOU? I decided to take your advice and get help for my anxiety attacks so I guess one good thing did come out of the breakup…

9/18 (day 07) I asked your brother how you were doing today and if you were happy… he said you weren’t but I don’t understand because you did this so that you would be happy and stress free… but you’re not and yet you still don’t call or text me? he said you’re still in love with me and that you still care for me but how is that possible if you don’t even know whether or not I’m alive? your brother also said that he doesn’t think we’re finished and neither do I… the problem is, you do. I went out again and a random boy kissed me.. I hated
it and cried because he stole it and I just wanted it to be you on my lips for the rest of my life… I wonder where you are tonight and if you are okay…

9/19 (day 08) I dreamt about you all night and woke up screaming and in tears because well… I woke up. it’s our anniversary today… I send you a text with the words “talk to me” after drinking and smoking my right mind away.. I then call you around midnight and you send me to voicemail. you call me back at 2am and hearing your voice makes my heart skip a beat. you tell me you’re sorry that you’re hurting me and that you think about how you miss me a lot but there’s a part of you that keeps telling you to hold off… I realize in that moment that I can’t wait for you anymore because you clearly wouldn’t wait for me if the roles were reversed. you tell me that we don’t have a time limit and that all we have is time and we should just take things slow… I agree but I know deep down you have no intentions of loving me like you once did ever again. we end the call at 4 am. you say that you feel much better now after this phone call and I tell you to never leave my life again. you laugh and say okay I won’t… something tells me you’re lying. I ask if you’re happy and you say you don’t know yet… but I’m not. do you care..? of course you don’t.

9/20 (day 09) everything reminds me of you.. I don’t listen to music, I don’t watch tv or movies, I can’t be around my friends unless I’m trashed which is exactly what I did tonight.. I threw a party and smoked and drank until I could no longer feel your breath on me… I danced the pain away and pass out in my bed at 5 am with my friends banging on my door, making sure I’m still alive… I wish I wasn’t

9/21 (day 10) I sleep most of the day away, crying until I fall asleep.. then I dream about you and wake up crying. I wish I could be more like you… carefree and busy. I feel so weak… but that’s probably because the only substance that’s been in my system has been alcohol… everything else I would just throw up so I don’t even bother…

9/22 (day 11) i hate being alone because it reminds me how lonely I am… I go to work, then come home and sleep on my break (dreaming of you is better than not seeing you at all), then I go back to work, and go home to sleep again. at no point in my day would I rather be awake than be asleep, next to you, in my dreams. I go to sleep feeling hollow and aching from the inside out. I’m starting to forget all of the little features on your face I love so much. the scars on your forehead, your lips that you knew were a weakness of mine, those eyes of yours, and let’s not forget about those thick eyelashes that soften you up. I struggle to get a clear image of them all…

9/23 (day 12) I’m watching your favorite tv show that you so desperately wanted me to watch… it’s great. you were right, I love it. I never watched it before this because I wanted to watch it laying next to you. I love how excited you get when you talk about it… I guess we’ll never get to do that now though so I’m watching it alone. I keep imagining you showing up to my door, asking to take me back and apologizing for leaving me in the first place but.. I have a higher chance of getting struck by lightning… you texted me tonight… I froze and my heart dropped because that meant you went out of your way to think of me and I thought you didn’t do that anymore… you asked me how I’m doing and I said I’m okay, and then I asked you how you’ve been and you responded three hours later with “good just got off work”… I didn’t respond. I want you to wonder what I’m doing and I want to consume your mind completely, like you consume mine. I go to sleep trying not to think about the fact that I could talk to you if I really wanted… because I do really want, but I also don’t want what I think is my determination, to turn into desperation.

9/24 (day 13) I texted you today about your favorite show that I’m watching because I just really wanted an excuse to talk to you. you stopped replying after a while… it made my heart hurt because I remember a time when you always, without a doubt responded to my texts… now I’m just not that big of a deal… I have moments where I think that time is healing me and then I realize I don’t want to be healed I just want you back and then I just go right back to square one.

9/25 (day 14) I almost got into a car accident while I was on a road trip to visit some friends and my first thought was to call you so you could calm me down… so I did. I called you. and your phone immediately went to voicemail and that’s when I came to the realization that you aren’t going to be there to be my safe haven anymore… I have to learn to be secure on my own and it scares me more than anything in the world.

9/26 (day 15) the only music I listen to is the music that reminds me of you. I know that’s a bit morbid but I don’t care. if all else fails with us, the music that we shared at one point together will always be there. I wonder if you ever listen

9/27 (day 16) Sunday mornings spent with you were always my favorite… I remember back to the time I was getting ready for church and after coming out of the bathroom you pulled me into bed and… I was very late to church that morning. you could never resist me… and now all you do is resist me. the blood moon solar eclipse was tonight and I wonder if you thought of me when you looked up at it tonight…

9/28 (day 17) work sleep work sleep repeat… I feel like you don’t even miss me anymore… like you just don’t want me in your life anymore..

9/29 (day 18) I came so close to texting you tonight… my parents are talking about getting a divorce and I just want to hear you tell me everything is going to be alright… I don’t know if I believe in love anymore.. not the true kind anyway. not the pure kind. people get bored, the crave someone new when things get hard and they run away from their responsibilities.. I just really don’t believe in anything or anyone anymore

9/30 (day 19) I keep myself distracted tonight by binge watching a tv show. then the screen goes black and I can see my sad red puffy eyes in the reflection looking back at me and I just want to crawl into a shell and never come out… why do I have to live in a world with you but our two universes are separate.. I don’t understand how any loving God could do this to me…

10/1 (day 20) I was so excited to spend October with you… I wonder who you’ll be cuddling next to, if anyone… we were supposed to go to Halloween Horror Nights together.. now whenever my friends bring it up I tell them I’m too freaked out to go…
and that’s partly true.. but not for the reasons they think… I’m scared because that will be just the first of many things we were supposed to do together that I will now be doing alone… and it kills me inside

10/2 (day 21) so it’s day 21 and while every moment doesn’t feel like I’m dying… if something reminds me of you (which is almost everything) I feel my throat close up and my heart drop and i ache all over… so I guess you’re not a habit that can be broken in 21 days… maybe I’ll never break you…
but you sure as hell broke me…

—  21 days to break a habit {via, @lunaunplugged }
Fall in love again

Tittle: Fall in Love Again

Pairing(s): Thomas Brodie-Sangster x Reader

                  Robbie Kay x Reader

Requested: Yes

Rating: G

Warning: None

   “Can we talk?” Thomas asked the moment I opened my door. I stared at him for a moment before nodding, my mind racing a head to try and figure out just what it was we needed to talk about.

 “Of course, come in.” I said after a moment, my words earning a soft smile from the boy. As I stepped aside to let him, I let myself look at him, really look at him. He was gorgeous. His light brown hair was pushed to the side, styled so it was messy yet neat. His dark brown eyes were casted downwards as he tried hard to avoid my own. He wore a pair of faded blue jeans, that sat snugly on his waist, a white t-shirt that was barely visible under his tanned leather jacket. Everything about him made my heart race, but this time instead of pure joy, it was with fear. Fear of what he had to say that caused him to look like he was just told he needed to have teeth pulled.

  “Look there is no easy way to say this, so I`m just going to come out and say it. I`ll make it quick, like ripping off a band-aid.” He said as he came to a stop in the middle of the foyer, barely giving me enough to close the door let alone turn around and face him. “We need to take a break, maybe see the other people.”

 I stared at him, trying hard to make sense of this. I had assumed everything was good between us. For the last twelve  months I had assumed the two of us were fine. Thomas still held me tightly against his side as we walked around town, making sure everyone knew that I was his. He had made me believe that I we were good, only to spring this on me. “Why?” I asked, shaking my head at the boy.

  “You deserve better, it`s that simple. Other than the fact that I have romantic feelings for you, I can`t be sure how I feel. You are a smart, beautiful and amazing girl Y/n you deserve the world. You deserve to be with someone who knows just how they feel about you.” Thomas said softly, his voice begging me to understand. I remand silent only staring quietly at the boy. “I am sorry, really I am.”

  “Just go, please.” I said softly, moving away from the door as he slowly made his way towards it.

  “Would my saying I didn’t want it to end like this help?”

  “No Thomas it wouldn’t. I`m in love with you, I have been for months. So just go, please.” I begged. He stared at me for a moment before nodding, pain and regret written clearly all over his face. He gave me one last sad smile before left. As the door clicked shut behind him, I feel to my knees, letting the tears I had been holding back fall freely.

  I stayed there, crying until I finally passed out. The last thing I remember was my best friends Jason and Katie coming into the house, both of them silently promising me that everything was going to be okay.

 “You need to get out there, have fun.” Katie sighed, flipping her blonde hair over her shoulder when I continued to ignore her. Her and Jason were both trying to convince me to go out to a club. I was refusing, not because of the fact that it had been six months since I heard from Thomas, but because I was never a fan of clubs. Normally my two best friends understood that, but today they were refusing to back down.

  “Come on Y/n it will be fun and you need to get out.” Jason huffed as he sat down beside me, his jet black hair tickling my cheek when he layed his head on my shoulder. I rolled my eyes at him, trying to ignore his forest green ones that were begging me to give in. When I made no move to so, Katie knelt down in front of me, grabbing my face in my hands and forcing me to meet her steady blue eyed glare.

  “You are going out. You are going to put on that little black dress that you got last year, the one that hugs every curve right, and cuts off above the knee. You are going to where your black strappy stilettos. I am going to do your hair and make up. Then you, Jason and I are going to out and dance and drink until we can barely walk. Do I make myself clear?” She demanded, her tone telling me that it would be useless to argue with her, so I simply nodded. Deciding it would be better to give in then to face the wrath of Katie.

 “Good. Now go get into the black dress and heels.” Katie said with a bright smile. I sighed and got up, sending Jason a “save me” look as I walked past my giggling best friend. I let out a yelp when Katie`s hand connected to my ass in a sharp slap. “Move that pretty little ass of yours women, we don`t have all night.”

 “Yeah, yeah I`m going.” I chuckled, rolling my eyes at her as I walked into my closet. Not for the first time, I was thankful that it was big enough for me to change in, not that I spared much thought of changing in front of my friends. They have seen me change plenty of times before, as I have seen them.

  “If you aren’t dressed in three minutes I`m coming in there and dragging you out.” Jason yelled out earning a groan from me.

 “I`m moving.” I yelled back, rolling my eyes to myself before I threw my shirt to the side, my pants following my shirt. I grumbled to myself as I pulled the dress in question off the hanger and over my body.  Once I the black dress on and smoothed out over my body I made my way out of the closet, bending down to grab my heels.

  “Damn girl if I wasn’t gay I would do you.” Jason whistled, laughing when I rolled my eyes at him.

  “Wait until I`m done with her, then you really will.” Katie giggled as she pushed me down on the stool that sat in front of my make up counter. The moment she had me sitting down she started on my hair, barely waiting for me to get comfortable until she started.

  “Have I mentioned Thomas was a moron?” She hummed as she plugged in the curling iron.

  “Once or twice.” I sighed. “But I mean at least he called it off right?”

  “He could have done that months before he did, it doesn’t take a year to figure out that you don`t have feelings for someone.” Jason snapped. “He strung you along for a year, he`s a moron.”

  “But he`s still a good guy, I really good guy.”  I sighed, earning a scoff from both of my friends.

  “Yeah, sure good guy.” Katie laughed as she pulled a strand of my hair and gently wrapped it around the metal iron.

  “Honestly guys he is a good guy, so lets just drop it.” I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest as Katie continued to work on my hair.

 I let out a huff of annoyance as I watched as my best friends instantly ditched me to go dance with a couple of strangers. I shook my head as I turned back to the bar, waving my hand to get the bar tenders attention.

  “Another sour cherry vodka please?” I asked when the bar tender made his way towards me. He nodded and started making my drink.

  “Bad day?” He asked as he prepared my drink.

 “Bad six months to be honest you. My boyfriend dumped me and then when my best friends talked me into going out they ditched me.”

  “Sounds like you need better friends and drink. This is one is on me.”

  “Thanks. You don`t have to do that you know.”

  “Look I know what it`s like. From the sounds of things you liked that boy and your friends aren’t being your friends right now. So take the drink and go talk to the boy at the end of the bar who has been staring at you all night.” The guy laughed, pushing my drink in front of me and nodding towards the left. I followed his direction and instantly blush.

  The boy reminded me a little of Thomas both boys had messy yet neat feather light brown hair. His eyes, though green, still held a kind hearted tender look. He was tall and was wearing in a black shirt that hugged his chest, the sleeves pulled up to his elbows. When he noticed I was looking at him he smiled and waved me over, raising an eye brow at me when I shook my head with a laugh. He waved me over again, laughing at me when I finally got up and finally slowly started making my way towards him.

  “Hey I`m Robbie.” He yelled over the music as I sat down beside him. 

  “Hey I`m Y/n.” I yelled back with a smile.

  “So you look pretty bored.”

  “My friends ditched me.” I answered, earning a sad look from the boy.

  “Well then it`s a good thing I`m sitting here alone, so you can have someone here.” He answered.

  “Yeah I suppose it is.” I giggled, leaning in towards him so I could hear him better. He smiled at me as he wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me into him.

  “So why don`t you tell me about yourself?” He asked, his breath fanning across my face as he spoke. I chuckled and glanced up at him, my breath being knocked out of me when I locked eyes with his.

  “There isn`t much to tell.” I giggled, taking a sip of my drink as I smiled at him.

  “Really because I figured that someone as beautiful as you has a lot to tell.” He hummed, reaching over to push my hair behind my ear.

  “I well thank you.” I giggled, smiling at him before I started to answer the questions that he was asking.

 “Robbie.” I squealed as Robbie pulled me against his chest, wiping the whip cream on my nose.

  “You said you wanted some more whip cream.” Robbie laughed as he peppered kisses along my jaw.

  “Not on my nose.” I giggled turning my head so I could wipe the whip cream onto his cheek. He gasped as at me as in fake shock before he started to tickle my sides, laughing as he followed to the ground, his fingers continuing to attack my sides.

  “Tell you love me and I`ll stop.” He chuckled, digging his fingers into my sides.

  “Fine, fine I love you.” I laughed, breathing out a sigh of relief when he finally stopped.

  “Good because I love you too.” He hummed, smiling at me before he pressed his lips against mine. I sighed into the kiss, wrapping my arms around his waist.

  “I mean it.” He muttered against my lips, his lips brushing gently against mine. “I love you.”

  “Hmm I know you did.” I hummed, running my hands up his back, smiling at him as I ran my finger through his hair. “And I meant it too. I love you Robbie.”

  “Good because if you didn’t I swear I would go nuts.” He chuckled, smiling down to press his lips against my own again. I hummed and moved my hand to the back of his neck, holding him tightly against me. His tongue has just slipped into my mouth when there was knock on my door, both of us groaning as we pulled apart.

  “I`ll get it.” I hummed, pressing a quick kiss to his lips before moving out from under him. I smiled at him before I headed to the door.

  “I`ll come with you.” Robbie laughed, running at me and pulling me tightly against his chest. I giggled and opened the door, letting out a surprised gasp when I saw Thomas standing with flowers on my door step.

 “Look I know I fucked up and I see that you have moved on, but I need to tell you that I was stupid. I am in love with you Y/n and leaving you was the worst mistake I ever made.” Thomas rushed out, gulping when Robbie glowered at him.

  “So do you want her to break up with me and go back with you?” Robbie asked, his voice sharp.


  “Then why the hell are you here.”

  “She loved me once, the way we left things were bad, I just thought she deserved to know I was in love with her.” Thomas said, giving me a soft smile as he handed me the flowers.

  “Thank you.”

  “Your welcome. Oh and Y/n I`ll be waiting for him to screw up.” Thomas said, giving me a soft smirk before he turned and headed towards his car.

  “I am going to hit him.” Robbie snarled.

 “Easy baby, I love you. There is no need to go around hitting people.” I hummed as I turned around in his arms so I could lean up to press a kiss to his lips.

  “So long as he knows your mine.” He hummed against my lips.

  “He does baby boy. But if you want we can prove it to him.” I hummed smirking as he ran his hands down my back to grasp my ass.

  “Yeah lets prove it to the whole damn neighborhood.” He hummed pulling back to smile at me, his eyes locked on me as he watched me kick the door shut.

  “Then lets go to my room.” I whispered, catching my lip between my teeth as I lead him up towards the stairs.

First Priority. Vic Fuentes Imagine

So, can you make one where you and Vic get into a big fight but then he feels like bad and you guys make up and like fluff stuff..? I really looovvveeee your blog <3


I’m laying on the couch, trying to find something decent on. I’ve seen everything that plays on my usual channels and I’m bored out of my mind.

“Only an hour left.” I keep reminding myself. I somehow think checking my phone every 2 minutes will make the time go faster.

My boyfriend will be coming home and we’re going to have a nice romantic night at home. I bought a dress that’s classy with a splash of slutty and bought everything to make an amazing dinner.

Candles are ready, wine and alcohol bought, food prepped. All I need is my man.

30 minutes pass and I decide to start getting ready. I preheat the oven and go into my room to get ready. I slide on the dress that accentuates my chest and my butt…Vic’s favorites.

I keep my makeup simple and curl my hair. I throw dinner in the oven and start lighting all the candles and then dim the lights.

I check my phone and realize it’s 20 minutes after he said he’d be home, but no big deal, right? I mean he could’ve sent me a text or something but it’s only 20 minutes. So I grab a glass of wine and sit on the couch.

Four hours later and I’m still sitting on the couch waiting for Vic with no phone call or text…

I give up.

I eat my portion of the dinner and put the rest in the fridge. I start to put away the candles when I hear the door unlock. Before the door opens I look at the clock and see he’s 6 hours later…I can feel my blood boiling.

“Hey babe.” He says, walking in and throwing his jacket in the closet.

I can’t even talk to him right now. I continue cleaning up and go walk to our room to change.

“I like the dress.” He says, trying to grab my hips.

“Don’t touch me.” I bark. I grab some clothes and go into the bathroom and change.

“What the fuck is your problem?”

“What’s my problem? Vic, we had plans tonight and you completely blew me off. You just got back from tour, you disappear for the day, and promise to be back by 6 for a nice dinner with me and don’t even fucking call.” I couldn’t even say it calmly. I waited months for one day with him and he couldn’t even give me that.

“Chill out Y/N. It wasn’t that big of a deal-“

“Maybe not to you Vic, but I actually planned this. I made your favorite fucking dinner, bought this stupid dress, planned everything out. I was excited for this. I was excited to actually spend time with my fucking boyfriend, but you know what? Fine. It’s not a big deal? That’s okay.” I go into our shared closet and grab some clothes and put it into one of my tote bags. I go into the bathroom and grab my toothbrush and some other essentials.

“What are you doing Y/N?”

“I’m leaving.”

“What? Where are you going?” He says as if I’m joking.

“To Kristina’s house.”

I go into the living room, grab my phone and charger, jacket, and keys.

I storm out of the house and get to my car as fast as I can.

I’m unbelievably mad, but also extremely heart broken. I go to close my car door but I can’t. I look up and Vic is standing in the way.

“Vic seriously, let me go.” I just want to get to my friends house so I can scream, cry, and then eat a bunch of ice cream until I pass out.

“I can’t do that. We need to talk about this.” He demands.

“Talk about what? It’s not big deal, right? Seriously Vic, just fuck off.” I pull my door with more strength but it still won’t budge. He’s way stronger than he looks and I always forget that.

“Y/N, please. I get it. I should’ve called you and I’m sorry, but leaving won’t make this any better.”

“Vic, it’s not about the call. It’s about every time we make plans, they’re at the bottom of your priority leave for months at a time and I support that..and all I ask for is some time alone with you..and you can’t even give me that.” I tried extremely hard not to cry, but I couldn’t. All these emotions have been bottled up since he left for the last tour and now they’re just spewing out.

Vic places his hand on my cheeks and start to wipe away my tears.

“Y/N, that’s not true. I’m sorry you feel that way, but I promise you that you’re at the top of my list. You’re my priority and I’ll prove that to you.”

I”m a bit hysterical at this point. The last few months have been so shitty and I never told him because I saw how much fun he was having on tour..I didn’t want to be the person that ruined that for him..but now it’s out and I feel a weight has been lifted.

“Will you please come inside so we can finish this conversation?” He says with the sweetest voice.

I nod and he grabs my bag and my hand and leads me inside. We sit on the couch and he just looks at me.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“I didn’t really realize how shitty of a boyfriend I was being..I mean I’m leaving you for months at a time and you deal with it and I don’t even notice it..Y/N I’m so sorry.” His voice is sincere and his face reflects that.

“Vic, I didn’t mean for you to feel’s just ben very hard without you and I just really want to want me as much as I want you.” Just thinking about the loneliness I’ve been feeling the passed few months causes tears to fall down my face.

“Y/N I will make this up to you, I swear.” He’s holding me tight and wiping my tears as the come.

“You know how you can make this up to me?” I say, trying to calm myself down.

“How?” He asks while moving his hand up and down my back and kissing my forehead.

“By cuddling with me in bed.”

“That’s it, really?” He seems shocked by my request.

“Mhmm..that’s all I want.” I smile gently.

“Your wish I my command madam.” He picks me up and bridal carries me to our room. He places me on the bed and we both get under the covers.

I place my head on his chest and while his hand gently goes up and down my spine. I trace small circles on his chest with my fingers while I listen to his heartbeat.

“I love you so much Y/N.” He whispers, kissing my forehead.

“I love you too Vic.” I whisper back.

This is what makes all of this worth it..this exact moments makes all the sacrifices worth it.


*I hope this was okay! I like this one. Please send in requests!*

It’s like having your heart being punched over and over again. It’s like you’re chained in the middle of a desert, right next to water, but every time you try to get some, the water is just out of reach. It’s like waking up and wishing you didn’t because your dreams are where you’re the happiest. It’s like you’re breathing, but you’re not exactly alive. It’s like trying to walk around without my contacts in. It’s like I’m neck deep in the middle of the ocean, choking and gasping for oxygen. It’s like I’m screaming at the top of my lungs behind you, but you’ll never once look back at me.
It’s punching walls until my knuckles bleed. It’s saying “Oh, I just fell in the shower.” about all the bruises on my body. It’s biting my lips so hard, that they begin to bleed. It’s drinking and smoking until I pass out. It’s crying until there’s no more tears left. It’s writing over and over again, about the same damn thing. It’s waking up at three am, unable to fall back asleep. It’s dealing with a constant emptiness inside your chest. It’s pure fucking hell.
—  What it’s like to know I can’t have you -(J.M.S)

It’s me, Christina!

I don’t know if you remember the greatest day of my life but here’s a refresher! 10/15/14

Sometimes I do arty things and post funny quips that you’ve liked




Can you imagine James and Lily waiting for Harry right after they died?

Like they tried to stop voldemort but they still end up being killed so when they got to Heaven, they were sad for not being able to save Harry so they’re like waiting for their baby to show up but he doesn’t.




I am almost never deeply affected by celebrity death, they’re always sad, they’re still people after all. But they are not so profound to me that I FEEL significant loss, the sole death I refused to accept was Michael Jackson’s.

Until today, Alan Rickman. I cannot. I will not. I am actually devastated. So, our plans have changed. We’re turning down the lights, we’re popping popcorn, we’re snuggling on the couch and we’re watching a few Harry Potter movies - because Severus will know Severus today.

Friday Five

1. I woke up this morning so fucking numb inside I was scared. I also had a massive headache near my eyes, I guess that is the consequence for crying until you pass out.

2. The numbness didn’t last long though, I fought off tears until I got to my friends place after lecture. I kept telling myself you are not gonna lose your fucking shit in front of 60 people, Amanda, and choked back tears.

3. Just because I was the one who ended it doesn’t make it easier. Granted the devastation would feel infinitely worse if it was reversed, but I’m still hurting because I considered him a friend and confidante. It’s not the first friend I’ve let go, so I know it will get easier.

4. Ending it proved to me just how strong I am though, because I now know that I will not settle for anything less then I deserve. Being scared doesn’t mean you can pick and choose when to be a friend. I will accept depression and grief though as excuses.

5. I was able to eat tonight without wanting to yack, yay! I shut my brain off with an aide, knocked back a few strong cocktails with friends and went to work smiling. I do what I want and I wanted my brain to stop dwelling. I was told tonight that I’m officially part of the family now from my friends husband, gay men love me. I think my soulmates are all gay men now though.

Bonus: I know it’s a day to day thing, but I really hope I’m done crying. It just sucks that now I’m not only grieving my dad, but the loss of someone I considered a friend. I fought tears earlier until I helped myself completely detour my emotions, so I haven’t cried today. I hope tomorrow I repeat the no tears down my face and make it an ongoing pattern.