i remember the first time i read 13 reasons why. i was 16, and in troubles. nurse recommanded me this book. at the time, i just got out of a abusive relationship. i had to stay in an addiction shelter because all of the shit that happened to me made me depressed, and suicidal. i had a permission once a month. i could go back to my family just for 48 hours and pretend to be fine. like nothing happend to me. but once, i did it. i took a bunch of pills and drink half of a bottle of vodka to try to end the pain. luckily, my mom came home earlier this day. i was already unconscious, but my heart was still beating. i woke up in a hospital bed, alone. my family, they were forbidden to see me. when i asked the nurse for how many hours, she smiled and said “sweetie, no one will visit you for two weeks”. three days later, when they thought i was recovered from what i did, they asked me why. i just said i couldn’t face it anymore. that all of the hits i took from him destroyed me. that i couldn’t take it anymore, that i was afraid to see him and go through this again. that i wanted the pain to leave. forever.
that’s when they asked me if i ever thought of my folks. “how do you think they will react?”, “i don’t know” i said.
“their lifes are never gonna be the same. they will ask themselves if they could have done something differently”, “i don’t care” i said.
And i meant it. By this time, i didn’t freaking care about what they would have feel if i really did it because all i care about was to be in peace.
Then, i went back to this addiction shelter. I still had the same nurse. When i saw her, something was different. She didn’t wear that eyeliner anymore and her hair were not as shiny as they were. She looked real tired. She came to me and gave me that book. She said “read it. don’t act like you’re her. act like your parents, your classmates, your friends are her parents, her classmates, her friends. you’ll see the pain you’ll cause if you don’t fight this.”
So i did read it. all over again over those two weeks. And i never try to kill myself again. Not that i didn’t want to end the suffer anymore but because i didn’t want to start their suffering.
So thank you Jay Asher, for allowing me to live my life.
Now, 6 years later, i’m okay. Not everyday, and it’s okay. There’s always be bad days. It’ll be a part of mde for the rest of my life, but i’m okay, i got over this darkness.
You know what would be cool? Don't Starve Courtney Crumrin