cries myself to sleep ;~;

anonymous asked:

Sorry for the negativity but I hate being demi. Ive dated one person who meant the world to me and we broke up ages ago but I'm still not over them and I feel like thats due at least in part to how rarely I experience attraction. I cant get them out of my head because everytime I think of love they are the only thing that comes to mind and there arent just "other fish in the sea" for me. I'm happy for demi people who can be positive about their identity but I hate this and I wish I could change.

Don’t worry about being negative about it sometimes. Real life isn’t all happy sunshine and unicorn cupcakes. Sometimes things suck. Maybe they even suck a lot. That’s okay. That’s just life. 

I’ve cried myself to sleep a few times because I feel like I’m going to be alone my whole life since I have such a hard time connecting to people. I feel really lonely some days when all I see around me are happy couples in books, tv, movies, and even in my life. When people talk about how great things are with their boyfriend or girlfriend, all it does is remind me that I’ve never experienced a relationship and that I may never get to. That makes me really sad. Some days I wish I could change too because then I could go out there and meet people easily and not be awkward and weird and maybe I’d even be happy. 

But where would changing really get us? The love we get to experience, it’s special. It’s really special. You know those sports cars that everyone wants because they’re so goddamn beautiful and the company only made, like, five in the whole world? We’re the sports cars of love. Or the really limited edition signed comic or misprinted book? We’re those. Because only loving, truly loving, a couple of times in your life means that love is really really powerful. Just because you don’t go through heartbreak and dates and one night stands like other people doesn’t make your love any less. Not that there’s anything wrong with the above, because there truly isn’t, but I’d argue that loving only a few times and being with only a few people makes you more special. Because when you say you love someone, you mean it. And yeah, it sucks if that person breaks your heart and it may take you a while to get over it. But when you do, whoever you love next will be so lucky to have you.

For now, though, focus on yourself. Don’t try to go fishing. Buy that face mask that makes you happy. Treat yourself to a cooking class and make a fancy dessert. Go rock climbing because you’ve always wanted to and just never had anyone to do it with. Forget other people. Focus on making yourself happy. Fall in love with yourself. And you know what? Going and doing all those things will open you up to a whole new group of people that may become your very best friends and maybe even your next love. It won’t happen over night, but I can promise that one day you’ll look around and forget why you were ever sad. Whether that happens with or without a cutie hanging on your arm isn’t important. The important part is that you are who are and that you deserve the very best you can give yourself. 

simshuie  asked:

@anon I go to a private school, sure its really hard to get along with most of the people there. Believe me I cried myself to sleep because of them, but I would join simblr or the sims community on Twitter(highly recommend). Just don't have numbers in your username

join a fandom and youll find friends soon enough 

Please take a few minutes of your time to read this. I’m not asking for anything. I just think that this is something that isn’t said enough.

My mom is extremely homophobic and recently, she found out that I’m gay. I didn’t tell her. My brother was talking to my mom and let it slip. And if I was not ready to tell her, I was definitely not ready for the backlash of her knowing.
I was taking a nap when my mom found out. The moment my brother let it slip, he tried to take it back but it was too late. They started arguing and it woke me up. I couldn’t really hear what they were saying and looking back at it now, I’m glad I couldn’t. I later found out that my brother was trying to explain to my mom that nothing was wrong with me for liking girls. That my happiness was all that mattered. But my mom wouldn’t listen to a word he said. So my brother begged her not to say anything to me. Not until I told her myself. And she didn’t.

I could feel the tension during dinner but I didn’t bring it up until later that night. While I was getting ready to go to bed, my mom started asking me questions about boys. What kind of boys I like and stuff like that. Instead of answering the question, I changed the subject and asked about the argument. Her expression immediately changed from lighthearted to somber. In that instant, I knew I would regret asking. She looked me straight in the eye and asked me if I liked girls. The moment I registered what she was asking, I froze. I just stood there, staring at her. Tears began streaming down my face because I knew what was coming. And I wasn’t ready for it.

I never answered her question but my reaction was all she needed for confirmation. She became hysterical. She began saying things that I mostly blocked out because they hurt too much. I tried to tell her that it wasn’t a choice, that I didn’t choose to be gay and she told me that I needed to change my thought process because my father was going to be ashamed of me. My father died of brain cancer when I was four and I always feared what he would think of me if he was still alive today. Hearing my mom say that hurt like hell. I broke down and my brother tried to comfort me but I cried myself to sleep that night.

The next day, my mom acted like she didn’t just tear my heart out. She pretended like it didn’t happen and avoided making eye contact with me for a week. Now, we’re sort of back to normal but our relationship is strained. She’s in denial, always making passing remarks about homosexuals, and it will never go back to being the same after that.

Thank you for reading this. When I told my friends what happened, they told me that it was bound to happen eventually and that it was better my mom found out now. But they didn’t understand the feeling of having your mom tell you that she would rather die than have a gay child. Let me tell you, it was the worst feeling I have ever experienced in my 17 years of life.

If you know anyone who identifies on the lgbt+ spectrum, please don’t out them. Even if they stole your crayon when you were in Kindergarten and you haven’t liked them since, don’t out them. I had it better than most people. I know children who have been kicked out of their homes for being different. So don’t out anyone. Don’t bash anyone for being in the closet. You don’t know their situation. When they’re ready, they will work things out on their own.

2

Oh, HAY, it me, nearly 40 vs me at 14 or so. I’m Cuban-American and neuroatypical. Didn’t start transition til I was 33, and wow was being closeted rough.

So. It’s Transgender Day of Visibility and a lot of folks are going to be sharing their transition pics. Please, please, please resist the urge to tell them they were attractive before.

Speaking from experience: for transmasculine folks, “but you’re such a pretty girl” is constantly trotted out to discourage us from transitioning. As if our only value is in how attractive we look. (And as if there isn’t a shit-ton of misogyny behind valuing women and perceived women only for their looks and treating their appearance as an issue of public consumption rather than personal expression/fulfillment.)

I found only trauma in being told how pretty my girl costume was, because pretending to be cis only brought me pain. Every fight over clothes, makeup, hair, etc. was a night I cried myself to sleep. And I cried a LOT in those days, even if people didn’t see it.

We trans folk have an uncomfortable relationship with being told we’re attractive by cis people. Because “attractive” is almost always code for “cis-passing”. Because, for trans women, their attractiveness is overwhelmingly tied to being objectified as a sexual fetish. Because, for non-binary and non-transitioning people, they still aren’t being told they are valuable and loved.

Here’s the thing, cis friends: transition photos really aren’t for *you*. We share the documentation of our transition as a way to give ourselves and other trans people hope. “Passing” is overwhelmingly an issue of safety, and any joy at putting some of our dysphoric demons to rest is clouded by all these messages that we’re finally “acceptable” to a cis audience.

Transition photos are photos of SURVIVAL. Transition photos document RECOVERY FROM TRAUMA. Just… just think about that.

By all means, tell trans people they are attractive (we do need to hear it from time to time, same as everyone else), but go beyond the obsession with what we used to look like. If you want to know more about transition, Google it, the same way we all had to. Engage with trans folks on their other strengths and talents. That will go much further to signify your allyship.

I don’t regret loving you. But your love came with a lot of pain and a lot of hurt. I lost count of all the times I cried myself to sleep. I lost count of all the time I made you upset. We made wonderful memories together but we also caused each other a great deal of heartache and headaches. Along the way we lost each other in the twists and turns we were not expecting. If I could go back to the day I met you, I would never have crossed the street to say hello, not because I regretted meeting you or loving you but because I would have saved us from a great deal of suffering this loved caused us.
I don’t regret loving you. But your love came with a lot of pain and a lot of hurt. I lost count of all the times I cried myself to sleep. I lost count of all the time I made you upset. We made wonderful memories together but we also caused each other a great deal of heartache and headaches. Along the way we lost each other in the twists and turns we were not expecting. If I could go back to the day I met you, I would never have crossed the street to say hello, not because I regretted meeting you or loving you but because I would have saved us from a great deal of suffering this loved caused us.
an open letter to my body:

dear eyes,
i’m sorry.
i’m sorry for thinking that the deep brown curious hue of your essence was every anything less than magical.
i’m sorry that my entire life your every cell has worked to let me see the beauty in the world, and all I’ve ever done is put you down.
and they say that you never know how beautiful brown eyes are until you’ve loved someone who has them,
but I should’ve loved myself first.
and for that I am sorry.

dear hair,
i’m sorry.
i’m sorry for every time I resented the way you refuse to stay put, for believing that the best way to love you was to tame you.
i’m sorry for every time I drew hatred from your tangled tendencies, for every time I wanted to chop you down with an axe simply so that you were out of the way.
you are the part of me that dances in the wind, the part of me that grows fiercely and unapologetically.
and they say that if you love something you should leave it wild.
i’m sorry for not leaving you wild.

dear breasts,
i’m sorry.
i’m sorry because you and I have fought a long, hard battle to get to where we are today.
i’m sorry for all the times I wished you were bigger, smaller, less saggy, more perky, more even, less loud.
you are the very essence of my womanhood, something that is fierce and tender and strong and brave and everything I take pride in.
i’m so sorry I ever treated you like anything less.

dear shoulders,
i’m sorry.
i’m sorry that I hid you behind long sleeves and shame for all these years.
i’m sorry that something as small and insignificant as acne could make me forget your worth.
i’m sorry for every time i stood with you hunched over instead of standing tall with pride, because the scars that you carry are constellations,
and you are as big and ethereal as the sky.

dear thighs,
i’m sorry.
i’m sorry for believing that you carried too much weight, that you were ever too large to be beautiful or sexy or wanted.
you are a mountain landscape,
protecting the valley inside with all your might and standing strong in the face of hurricanes.
you are so much more than I ever gave you credit for, and I should have wanted you all along.

dear feet,
i’m sorry.
i’m sorry for thinking you are anything less than resilient.
you have carried me to every point in my life, every up and down.
you have picked me up from every failure and the depths of hell itself.
you have never given up, even when I thought that I might.
you have stepped on glass and walked through fire to get me to where I am today, and I am forever grateful.

dear tummy,
I am so, so sorry.
i am sorry and ashamed for all the nights I cried myself to sleep because I thought you were not good enough,
I am sorry for every time I compared you, beat you down, sucked you in, tried to hide you.
I am sorry for every single time I even considered starving you.
you are where I felt the butterflies of my first love.
you expand when my voice needs to be heard.
you are the powerhouse that keeps me going, and I have treated you so, so, cruelly.
i’m sorry.

dear voice,
i am sorry.
i am sorry for all the times I let myself buy into the preconceived notion that you are not worth listening to.
i am sorry for every time i silenced you instead of letting you speak.
i am sorry for not singing more, speaking louder, yelling, screaming.
I am sorry that I ever thought I needed to hide you under my curtain of my fear of not being accepted.
you are powerful, and brave, and worth listening to.
you do not deserve to be caged, and I am sorry.

dear body,
i am sorry.
your every cell, every second of every minute of every day goes into keeping me alive.
you have loved me so well and so deeply, and I have been so blind to your worth.


I will never be able to repay you,

but I will start by choosing to love you.

In one universe I never found you and you never found me and we never went to the carnival. You never held my hand and we never kissed on the ghost train. I never got too familiar with the the feeling of your arm around me. In this universe, we never even met.

In another universe I was never scared. I never held back from meeting you out of fear. We never broke up because of it.

In another universe, we took our second chance when we were suppose to. I never told you to wait to meet me because of my badly dyed hair and you never got tired of waiting. We are still together now.

In another universe, you never fell in love with her. I never cried.

In another universe, you never came back. You never reminded me what it was like to be in love with you. You didn’t turn up when i was least expecting it and I never fell for you again. We never went to that castle “just as friends” and I didn’t search for excuses to hold your hand. I never cried myself to sleep because I can’t be friends with you.

In another universe, we worked. In this universe, we’ve been together for a year and 9 months and it doesn’t hurt to breathe. You meet me from school and we spend our weekends on adventures. We kiss at the top of the castle. We kiss at the beach. We kiss everywhere. This is the universe I will live in. The universe where you love me.

  • What she says: Lord of Shadows was a great book and you should really read it
  • What she means: thiS BOOK TORE OUT MY FUCKING SOUL AND I FUCKING HATE IT BUT AT THE SAME TIME I FUCKING LOVED IT. Emma and Jules are so cute but they're also just a big hot mess of emotions and angst and tbh they're ETERNALLY SCREWED. I love Diana and Diana and Gwyn are my actual fave but don't forget about Kitty because oH MY FUCKING GOd it's canon and they are so cute. Not to mention that Mark, Cristina, and Kieran will eventually have a threesome. I foresee it in the future. ALSO DID I MENTION THAT MALEC TAKING CARE OF THEIR KIDS IS THE CUTEST? Emma and Julian had sex again (shocker) and it was rlly cute and hot n heavy. Julian Blackthorn is actually my daddy. I s2g if those two parabatai don't chill Emma's gonna get fucking preggers and then things can only get worse from there. Jaime and Diego (especially Jaime) are sneaky, slimy motherfuckers and I don't really like them. no wait scratch that. I HATE JAIME BECAUSE HE'S TAKING ADVANTAGE OF DRU BUt Diego isn't that bad anymore but still.
  • ALSO I MISS ROBERT LIGHTWOOD A LOT MORE THAN I THOUGHT I WOULD BECAUSE HE WAS GOING TO HELP EMMA AND JULES AND PLUS ALEC SAW HIM DIE AND I CAN'T I JUST CANT OMFG. AND THEN LIVVY. LIVVY MY BABY OH MY GOOOOOODDDDDDD. LIVVYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY. I ACTUALLY CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP THAT NIGHT WHEN I FINISHED LORD OF SHADOWS. GOD DAMN JUST SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE THE BLACKTHORNS A BREAK OKAY BYE.

I’ve struggled with weight for so long. I’ve been sexualized, and dehumanized, and only seen for my weight instead of my personality. I’ve went for days without eating, and I’ve cried myself to sleep and actually broken mirrors because of how I look, but for what? who the fuck cares? I’m still a human even if I weight 100lbs or 200lbs, and if someone actually gives a fuck about me, they’ll care about me either way. I’m done hurting myself and hating myself over this. I’m still attractive, I’m still funny, I’m still human. Fuck everybody who dares to say different. I’m healthy, and now that I’m more comfortable and confident, I’m happy. My weight is just a number. Of course I’m gonna have bad days, and I’m gonna hate myself, and I’m gonna not eat. That comes with mental illness, but deep down I know the only person that needs to be happy is me. I deserve respect, and I deserve self love.

galaxyallura  asked:

Can i request lapidot + 2 for the kissing meme? :)

snoot smooch!

2

super fast and messy redraw. hello darkness my old friend

think of it like this: maybe we weren’t meant to be more than a handful of moments. laughter, whispered secrets, touches no one was supposed to see.
I remember that one time you reached for my hand and I pulled mine away because in my head it all became too much. truth is I am so sorry I never explained why I could not let you hold me. I was so afraid of letting you get close. what if you saw all the dark places, all the times I cried myself to sleep, trying to remember what I was fighting for? what if you saw my fear of losing control? what if you asked why I always ran when things seemed good? you probably wouldn’t listen if I asked you to because I ruined what we had, but please know I’m sorry for the way I always held back and hid behind that superior smile. It was me that drove you away and I know it’s my fault, all of it is. because I knew once I’d give a little piece of myself, it’d all be lost to you because I never learned how to love only a fraction or a half, I only ever knew how to give everything I had until all I was left with was nothing at all.
—  notes I hide from you / n.j.

“You find Celaena Sardothien. Give her this. No one else. No one else. Tell her that you can open any door, if you have the key. And tell her to remember her promise to me–to punish them all. When she asks why, tell her I said that they would not let me bring the cloak she gave me, but I kept a piece of it. To remember that promise she made. To remember to repay her for a warm cloak in a cold dungeon.”

cries forever for Kaltain Rompier

Falling Apart: Peter Parker

Word Count: 1.6k

Warning(s): Angst

Request: None

Pairing: Peter Parker x reader

A/N: This is a really sad one, inspired by the song I Have Questions by Camila Cabello. I adore this song.


The bell rang, signaling the end of the school day. As she walked down the hall hugging her books close to her chest, her mind raced. He had bolted again, and Y/N had no idea where he had gone off to. Peter had left her hanging high and dry for the umpteenth time, and she had no idea what to do.

Given no reasonable explanation, Y/N’s mind wandered the worst possibilities to explain Peter’s constant disappearances.

Cheating.

She knew Peter wasn’t of the sort, but he had just… taken off without reasonable explanation. She had spent months staying silent, willing herself to trust that Peter was off doing something important enough that he was forced to leave halfway through the only time you ever got to spend together. But in her attempt at convincing herself of what she wanted to believe, Y/N left herself vulnerable and susceptible to the attacks of her inner demons.

He found someone better.

He no longer wants you.

You’re foolish to have ever though he ever wanted you.

Keep reading