Companions react to sole always joking about their death when really they're really considering it because they hate themselves but always joking and playing off like nothing is wrong
Thank you for this ask, anon. I’m hoping this one might give people who are dealing with this some hope and comfort, maybe even to talk about it to someone they love and trust. These characters would believe in you, and one way or another so do I
Intro: Sole was not doing nearly as well as they pretended to. Being in the ravages of the commonwealth, losing what they lost… they felt useless, hadn’t been able to stop it all. Sole couldn’t shake the thought that nothing would change that feeling. They hated themself for not being good enough, never feeling happy enough so faking that it was to the outside world was the next best thing. Joking to hide it, just one day at a time, as long as nobody found out about it. That was until the day, in spite of the smile still set on their face, something must’ve shone through in one of their jokes. They were looking into the very concerned eyes of their Companion. “ Hey… are you alright?”
It took Sole a fraction of a second to regain their composure, to get back to the façade and the fake smile. “Yeah, of course! I was just joking, let’s go.” Their companion held them by the arm, not tightly, but just to get them to turn around and stand still.
“ Sole… What is really going on?” The worry in their voice made Sole cave in entirely. They had hoped never to have to explain this… not like they would understand it anyway. But they couldn’t evade it anymore. Tears welled up in Sole’s eyes as they admitted that maybe they hadn’t just been jokes.
He felt like something had been going on for a while now, noticing the difference between the Sole he used to know and the way they acted now. He never could quite place his finger on what was going on , but as soon as Sole poured their heart out to him he recognized what Sole described. The feeling was somehow familiar to him. He had felt it too, once. He held Sole’s hands and told them they were not alone. “ I have felt lost… for all those years without you. I hate to admit it but… mum/sir I have thought about it too, it was so very lonely. But I held on to the thought that maybe I would see you again. And when you were there… oh Sir/Mum… I was so happy to see you again. You gave me a reason to live and to fight again. I felt better talking to you about it. About how I felt… I have learnt that bottling up past trauma can lead to inadiquate coping strategies in later life. We can help each other Sir/Mum. I am here for you.” His heartwarming smile wasn’t enough to fix the feeling of emptiness instantly but some warmth seeped back in, tears still running free. “Okay.”
Danse felt a slight sense of panic at Sole’s words… he tried to envision a world without them but felt his chest tighten every time he did. He knew what it felt like to no longer care if you lived or died, but to consider taking your own life… he couldn’t wrap his head around that. He desperately wanted to help but he didn’t know how. “ I know what it feels like to feel like an imposter… but you helped me back up. Through all of this, you are the one thing that has kept me from giving up, from turning it all off. I would have been dead without you and I have devoted my life to protecting you, even if this means protecting you from yourself. So that is what I shall do, in every way I can. “ He pulled them into a very tight embrace and kissed the top of their head. “ You can tell me how you really feel. Your secrets are safe with me. The dark thoughts and the nightmares… I probably have had them too… maybe I can do for you what you do for me. Give you a reason to feel alive again.“
Deacon was dumbstruck, his own jokes falling away entirely. He had no idea what to do but not taking Sole’s words seriously was the last thing on his mind. He pulled Sole into a hug. “ Shit Sole, you’re more worthy to be alive than me. You’ve saved so many lives, helped so many people. You have no idea how amazing you are.” Sole shook their head. “ Doesn’t make me feel any better Deacon. It’s not about how worthy who is. I just feel… lost. All the time.” He stroked their hair until Sole cried a little less. As he wiped away some tears from their face he inhaled deeply. “ I’m not gonna pretend I know what it’s like. I’m a pathological liar with a bad past but I can’t imagine how you feel right now. And that’s okay… as long as you talk to me. You can’t fight your demons alone, I’ve tried doing that myself and it’s only been working since you’re around and since I told you about my past. I can’t… ‘fix’ this. I know that. But I will fight with you if you let me. And until the threat is passed, just to be safe, I won’t be leaving your side. I won’t bring it up unless you want to talk about it but I won’t leave. “ Dacon looked down. “ Because it’s worst when you are alone. “ He grabbed Sole’s hand. “So please know that you’re not. I can be an idiot but I won’t let you get lost in yourself, okay?” Sole was trying to ease their breathing, wiping away some tears. “I… I think I can do that.” Deacon smiled at them, a little smile. “Good. Now get over here.”
He pulled them into a hug again. “ Oh, does this mean death bunnies as a nickname is off the table or…?” Sole chuckled a little, while Deacon reveled in the sound of their laughter, vowing to get them to smile genuinely, every day, again someday.
Nick didn’t look at Sole with the pity they expected to face, but with a look of determination. “ Listen’ up kid, there’s one thing you need to remember; we’re not gods, we’re men. Human or synth, all of us. You’ve been trying to take on the world, one injustice at a time and you’ve found out that you can’t save everyone. It hacks in on ya, I know. But damnit, you make this damn hellhole a little brighter. So hang in there and rely on others when you need to. If you feel like you can’t handle it, come to me. You’re not the only one who feels lost sometimes, don’t get lost inyourself. You’ve got too many people looking out for ya to do that.” He grabbed Sole’s hand. “You don’t have to face it all alone.”
Hancock smiled at Sole. “ Looks like we got more in common than I thought.”
“ You mean aside from the deadpan and the sarcasm?”
“ I’ve almost done it a hundred times over. I’ve considered it, justgoing out on a high, ya know? Literally. And to be honest, if it weren’t for you maybe I woulda done it, too. But you gotta find yoruself somethin’ that makes you excited to wake up in the morning. It doesn’t matter what it is. And if you let me, I’ll do whatever I can to be that thing for you. Or die trying.”
Sole scoffed, eyes still puffy. “ I’m not sure it’s a good iea to make those kind of jokes. Or to put any kind of pressure on me to be happy.”
“ Oh, I’m not doing that. You’re a grown-ass (wo)man, I’m not gonna tell you what to be or what to do. But I ain’t going anywhere without ya. But this ain’t the kinda thing you tell people unless you hate that empty feeling. Keep talking to me when you feel it and I’ll help ya. You’re gonna be alright. I’ll keep you safe.Cause you’re the most important thing to me in this whole goddamn world.”
Maxson felt hopeless, felt some sort of unfamiliar panic wash over him. If ther was one thing he wasn’t used to being it was helplessness. He wanted to helo but didn’t have a clue how. “ Sentinel… I would kill for you.” He walked closer to them, looking Sole straight in the eyes. “I would die for you if it came down to it.” He grabbed Sole’s hands. “ But I can’t let you die. Cause I’ve lost a lot of good soldiers, a lot of friends, and I cannot lose you.”
Sole looked at their feet. “But I’m not sure if I can keep going on, Maxson.”
He gritted his teeth. He wasn’t angry at Sole, not dissapointed, just concerned and frustrated by his lack of ability to do anything.
“ Whenever you feel lost, come to me. I know now and I’ll drop anything if you need me to. You can do whatever you want, tell me whatever you want and I won’t use it against you or judge you for it. As long as you don’t do it. “ He had a pleading look in his eyes as he grabbed Sole’s hands in his. “ Please. I am no longer sure if this this world is worth saving for me if it no longer has you in it.”
Preston sighed and asked Sole to sit down on a nearby bench with him.
“ When I first started all of this I was, um … scared as hell. You know that I often barely managed to hold my head above water. Sometimes I just wanted it all to stop. I’ve seen so much death and misery walking through the commonwealth… it rubs off on you. But I kept going because the people around me needed me. Sometimes I felt some genuine happiness again, in the little things, you know? When I noticed some kids could still be happy, when I saw lovers reunited,… when I saw my guys like Sturges with his eternal optimism. It made me push through. And then you came along and I wasn’t the only one with the weight of the world on my shoulders.There was some hope again, among the pain and the suffering. I’m still not completely okay but I try to go by the little things… you are a reminder that sometimes things get better. But when it all gets too much… “ He gabbed Sole’s hand in his. “You can come to me. I know what it feels like to feel like you’re not enough. As it turns out talking about it helps best, and for me focussing on the little things that make me happy. Like you. Like coming back to the settlement and knowing you’ve given these people a new home. Like the look of relief when we help a settlement and those people realise that they haven’t lost everything. The bravery to start over. You know the story of Pandora’s box right? Once all the misey is out, hope is left. Anyway… just know you can come to me when you want to okay? Cause… I don’t want to lose you.”
Sturges can’t even stand to see Sole cry, let alone deal with the fact that they’re contemplating ending their life. After they barged in at the Museum of Freedom he felt like he owed them his life but now it came down to it he didn’t know how to return the favor. He looked at them with such hopeful eyes and said “ Hey… I don’t really know how to help but I’ve got your back. You’ve helped us out back at Concord. You saved our damn lives… I wanna do the same for you. You’re one of akind Sole, and this world would be a whole lot darker without you in it. So whenever it gets to much you know where to find me. Same team, remember? “ His heart broke to see Sole nodding their head while they still were having trouble stopping the tears and he pulled them into a hug, holding onto them tightly. “I got you. You’re gonna be okay.”
“ I told you I once thought you looked lost and confused, that you might not be able to handle this life… and how you proved me wrong. How tough and determined you are in spite of all you’ve lost. I told you then you could accomplish anything you set your mind to. I still believe you can. You will overcome this.” He tried to maintain his more composed way of speaking intact but seeing Sole like that… something was hitting a nerve, making him feel something he didn’t usually feel.
“ X6, I’m not sure if I can. You also told me you were worried I might slow you down and I am doing that now. It’s overwhelming, too much to handle.”
“ I am sworn to protect you.” Sole inhaled deeply, tears still streaming down their face because they were saying goodbeye to their support system. But Sole knew he was probably doing all of this out of a sense of loyalty to Father, a sense of duty.
“ I relieve you of that. You can leave. Nobody will hold it against you. You no longer need to be my bodyguard.You will always be welcome in the Institute but no one will command you any longer.”
“ With all do respect, ma’am/sir, I refuse to leave your side as long as you are in harm’s way.”
“ This isn’t helping. Knowing I’m a burden, an annoyance to you.It makes it all worse, okay? Just leave.”
“ Damnit…I am not leaving because I have to protect the one thing that I can’t live without. That’s you.This is no longer just about the Institute. I respect you and I want to be by your side as you take on the world or whatever idiotic thing has gotten into your head that makes you feel insecure. “ He clenched his jaw. “ You do? ”
“ I do… sir/Ma’am. I will aid you in overcoming this in any way you can. I refuse to let you destroy yourself.”