Some Things Kent Has Said to the Rookies While Sober: (See Drunk
1. (About his blind date) “He’s a nice guy, but he kissed me and then he left
me at the door? What the fuck?” (“Maybe he wants to take it slow?”) “I’m not
the fucking Pope, James. I’m horny now.”
(“The Pope doesn’t—”) “Maybe I need to flash my ankles some more. I’ll wear
booty shorts for the next one.”
2. “I hope everyone here knows that if a—” (shouting) “—hot, tall, single dad in this establishment would like to buy me a drink and take me home tonight,
I would literally leave all my
friends in a heartbeat—” (turning back to rookies) “—Sorry. I see you guys like
3. (On why he isn’t speaking to Jeff) “Jeff convinced me to watched ‘Me Before
You’ yesterday. He promised me nobody dies. I cried the entire time when I was
trying to order takeout afterwards. And then I cried on the toilet. I’m so fucking pissed. I can’t
even look at him right now.”
4. “Dom and I are going to sing ‘I Have Nothing’ for the AcesTV special. I practiced every single fucking night in the shower this past
week, and my neighbors filed two complaints against me, so just letting you know to like, get ready to eat my
5. “My favorite things? Kit dressed up in one of those cute bowties they make
for cats on Etsy. Mashkov’s ass in nice jeans. Extra guac in my burrito.
Finding the love of my life and then realizing that they’re actually a prince or
Batman. And winning the Cup every year. I don’t ask for a lot. It’s not a lot.”
+1. “The lighting in the locker room is amazing,
what the hell, did they change the bulbs? It makes my abs look fantastic.
Someone help me sext my husband, he’s gonna want to see this.” (Smacks rookie’s
arm.) “No, not like that. Take the photo from the top-down, do you not know
your angles? God.”
Lance runs through the hallways of the castle, muttering frantically to himself, “No no no, this has to be a joke. Please let this be a dream.” He desperately tries to find some sort of sign that this is all just a terrible nightmare, that this isn’t real. This can’t be real. He crashes into someone and falls to the floor.
“Whoa there, Lance. Are you okay?” He glances up at Shiro’s words in relief, hoping that Shiro can help reassure him that he’s not just imagining all of this. But as soon as he sees him, Lance sobs in despair and curls up into a ball, covering his ears. “This is not real, this can’t be real,” he says to himself. He dimly hears everyone else join them, asking Shiro what’s wrong, voices filled with concern. Lance chances another glance, hoping with all his heart that he was just mistaken. He’s not. He can feel a hysterical laugh bubbling up inside of him. A voice in his mind whispers, This is your reality now, Lance. Accept it. He looks up and he sees it.
Every single one of them is sporting a mullet. Lance wakes up screaming.
yall have such wild and interesting lives and I cant contribute to the “SMH as things I’ve done/said” meme because my life is so goddamn mild in comparison lol, but one day I’m waiting for the meme reach its height and straight up read one that’s like:
Bitty: I surpassed this mortal dimension and visited my alternate lifetime if I had been a pie instead of human; I was not maple apple but instead blueberry, and I cried. Jack: Consumed one (1) entire puck right in the middle of an ice rink because no snacks and was anxious Dex: a dryer once ate me. i lived inside of it like how Geppetto lived inside the whale until i was rescued Nursey: fell asleep against a tree while writing poetry and then melted into the trunk and became a wood nymph. i absorbed anyone and anything upon contact Chowder: actually raised by sharks for years and is a shark hybrid until I begged Ursula’s twice-removed cousin to give me legs in exchange for my potential to do the splits Shitty: gave an inspiring speech about the intersectionality of feminism, race, and weed on a bus and everyone was clapping. its true because i was also the bus Tango: asked too many questions and ripped a hole in the space-time continuum. entered a realm where alternate universe me could not speak but had all the answers. I sat in a room with no door and no windows with alternate universe me. it was very quiet in that universe. Whiskey: a lax bro crawled through my window to profess his love to me in a sonnet and we made love for the next 30 hours. Holster: was marathoning 30 Rock and reached the 72 hour mark when Tina Fey crawled out from the TV screen and into my living room to hug me, not unlike the girl from The Ring. Ransom: cried the entire time during my final exams and begged the Hockey Gods to either stop time or for a hockey player with strong arms to cradle me and take me away where we can make love for 30 consecutive hours, and accidentally summoned Zdeno Chara to the classroom during the exam Lardo: became a Rothko painting immediately upon entering a local museum - it wasn’t even an art museum it was a history museum Kent: once fostered 100 cats for charity and became the 101st cat after unlocking the ancient power of transfiguration Tater: Turned into a potato for 24 hours. Literally into a whole spud.
“Jimin?” You call, voice loudened by the abandoned walls inside the dorm.
Your boyfriend had to have been home, he had texted you merely minutes ago saying so. But, walking through room after room, floorboard creaking under small steps, you had come to the conclusion that this had to be some kind of mistake.
It seemed as though you were wrong, because when you crossed the hallway, standing outside the last room that you had yet to inspect, you had small noises coming from within. Jimin, the man you had longed to see ever since he came back from tour. It had been so long that you couldn’t help but feel giddy tingles arising from your body.
Without a hesitation, you opened the door, expecting a spritely male with hair the colour of platinum to greet you; but, instead, the form of a man who was not your boyfriend spread over a lone bed was.
His chocolate-hued fringe stuck to his forehead, perspiration trickling like a running tap down warm skin. Hair, a human nest on his head. Eyes, screwed shut. Mouth, open and inviting. His chest was exposed, a pot belly heaving up and down erratically. Downward, you eyed the package that he stroked intently. The most defining feature about it was the striking resemblance to the sausage you had eaten the day before.
“Bang Pd?” You swallow.
With force, the older man’s body sat up straight, meaty hands leaving his long dong. He stared at you with saucer-like eyes, as if he was looking at a mirage rather than a real human. “Y/N”
A beat, “Why are you in Jimin’s bedroom?”
The CEO casts his gaze downward in shame, a gesture that reminded you of a punished puppy dog. He pouted as he murmured, “It still smells like you.”
That was when it hit you. The way he sometimes gaped at you from across the office, how he always seemed to get in the way of you and Jimin, when he kissed you that one time and professed his love for you. Who would have thought that he indeed LOVED you!
So you started toward him, toward that long meat stick. You grasped it fully; hands pulling at it roughly like a plunger in a clogged toilet. “Sometimes I think about you instead of Jimin, Mr. PD.”
Bang Shi Hyuk grabbed your soft face in veined hands like you were an egg and he pulled you over his large, bare body. Smashing lips upon each others, you felt the plush pink of them beautifully against yours, like velvet; they tasted like the Korean barbecue he had eaten the night before - addicting.
You hadn’t noticed that when you had fallen on top of the CEO, you fell onto his throbbing length. You felt him swell inside of you. “Bang Shi Hyuk!”
“Bang SHi Hyuk!”
A long, extended scream, “Y/N!!!!!”
You felt the pulse of his entire being in between your folds, as if his soul had wedged its way into your heart through your vaginal orifice. You couldn’t tell if you had been intertwined years ago, ancient soulmates that were tied together by string. It felt beautiful.
With a strong sensation sent up your chest, the older man came with one last thrust - you felt this one in your stomach. “I love you, I always have, my dear.”
You clutch him, as if, when you let go, he may just disappear, “And I you, my love.”
Your heart had just stopped in its track, deciding that this would be a good time to take a rest. Footsteps growing near, you look into the eyes of your soulmate and notice the amber stripes floating through his iris, “Together?”
And when the boy with platinum hair entered, his lungs in his throat when he caught sight of your naked body laid on top of the CEO of Big Hit. “What is going on here?”
“We are getting married, Jimin. I am sorry.”
Bang Shi Hyuk lifted up your ring finger, a soilitary cheese ring sitting gracefully on top. “Go back to the studio, Jimin. You need your practice.”
With a pout, Jimin stomped a foot. “I don’t want to practice, Dad!”
um so I just saw DEH for the first time. and I am just in shock Wiowisjdnfjdkdkskskdkdjjdj. Michael Lee Brown was on for Evan for his first time ever and HE CRUSHED IT LIKE HOLY SHIT IM BLOWN AWAY. Tbh I was kinda scared that he wouldn’t do the role justice but IM SO HAPPY FOR HIM HE IS AMAZING. show was amazing cried the entire time and got to meet Michael Park, Laura and Jennifer after :))
-When Jeremy is sleeping Michael will balence Pringles on Jeremy’s forehead
-if Jeremy doesn’t wake up, Michael will try to eat the Pringles off his head one by one
-Jeremy loves to send cute ‘good morning’ texts but Michael HATES IT
-Like he appreciates the effort but he also gets woken up every time
-Jeremy is embarrassed to ask Michael to help him put scar cream on his back for the Squip scars
-Michael cries the entire time and Jeremy ends up crying and they are just blubbering
-When the Squip comes back, Michael will drink Mountain Dew Red, keep it in his mouth, then kiss Jeremy
-The Squip leaves cuz MDR and cuz he’s grossed out
-Michael legit bit Jeremy when he stole Michael’s hoodie
-Jeremy took it back to his own house and Michael realized and fuckin followed him, broke in, and tACKLED JEREMY
-HE JUST PULLS OFF THE HOODIE AND BITES JEREMY’S ARM REALLY HARD
-also: Michael baked Jeremy birthday muffins with lil retro themed wrappers and candles
-Michael gets them matching beanies that are rainbow and say ‘Player One’ and 'Player Two’
-They first had sex in the janitor’s closet at school and they never talk about it
-they just moved on lol