This morning I was fortunate enough to be sent this by a concerned internet citizen

“I’m all for’ free to post whatever you want’ but the truth is your suits look ridiculous on your obese body. Have you ever consider therapy for dealing with your eating addiction? It’s both disgraceful, sad and painful to see. Take care of yourself man, this is not the amount of fat you’re designed to carry.”

First off, I think we call all agree, how Hallmark hasn’t snatched this guy up for their Greeting Card division is beyond me.  With this sort of gentle prose and empathic nature, it’s like having Mother Theresa gently cup you under the chin and then judo slam your cricoid cartilage.  I’ve got chills.  Let’s face it, after hearing this man’s words, I’m thinking Maslow needs to add a level to his heirarchy pyramid.

Now I know what you are all thinking and want to tell this man, “Don’t judge another man until you have walked a mile in his shoes” but I am pretty sure this is the guy who must have found those 1994 Converse Allstars I lost at the airport that time and then he apparently wore them for a while. (I’m going to give him the benefit of a doubt that he walked a full mile cause if he only walked ¾ of a mile that last sentence is moot).  I think that pretty much justifies his well reasoned criticisms.  

I considered responding to his arguments but I fear any response I attempt would sound like a discombobulated screeching banshee compared to his measured objective assessment.  I also figured I would prioritize my efforts based upon just how successful I considered my attempts to convince the other party might be.  In this case, I have ranked this gentleman just below Michael Huckabee and the Islamic State.

The truth is my suits do look ridiculous.  Of course they do.  I’m wearing a bowler hat.  If you aren’t laughing at/with me, i can’t imagine what you are doing on the internet in the first place.

As for my eating addiction, well how can one deny the obvious?  I have tracks marks on my arms that spell out “Oreos”.  I once was fully sober from eating for 24 hours.  They gave me a medal.  I ate it.  (I thought it was chocolate wrapped in gold foil)

And far be it from me to diagram the sentences of others but I admit I don’t know if “It’s” in the third sentence is referring to my suits, obese body or eating addiction, however, I do accept it as a miracle that something can be “both” with three alternatives at the same time.  It’s like the miracle of the loaves and fishes except using incongruous correlative conjunctions and adjectives.  

What strikes me the most however, is how the statement above is really a succinct summary what every person who is different or odd hears on a daily basis, albeit mostly inside their own heads.  It’s a convoluted mix of blunt statements without knowledge, misguided pity without compassion and overly righteous shaming without insight.  

So I expect responding directly to the person who wrote this will probably only get me as far as 150 years of solid reproducible evidence would get me at the Creationist museum.  But I would direct my response to those who find themselves thinking and relating to this unconsciously.  When you see something stated so bluntly it appears ridiculous and terrible but when you tell yourself the same thing inside your own head, the logic appears to be overwhelming.  My only advice, try desperately to not get wrapped up so much inside your own head, it can be a terrible place to be.  

So be eccentric, be ridiculous, be different, be whatever you feel like being.  And accept you will always be seen as disgraceful, as sad and as painful to someone on the planet, just keep in mind your goal should be to make sure that person isn’t you.