creature speak

types of valid bisexuals
  • cis female bisexuals
  • trans female bisexuals
  • cis male bisexuals
  • trans male bisexuals
  • nonbinary bisexuals
  • intersex bisexuals
  • aromantic bisexuals
  • demiromantic bisexuals
  • heteroromantic bisexuals
  • homoromantic bisexuals
  • biromantic bisexuals
  • panromantic bisexuals
  • bisexuals in “gay” relationships
  • bisexuals in “lesbian” relationships
  • bisexuals in “straight” relationships
  • single bisexuals
  • bisexuals who have never had sex
  • bisexuals who have attraction but no interest in sex
  • bisexuals who really fucking love sex
  • bisexuals with a preference of partner
  • bisexuals with no preference, at all
  • young bisexuals
  • middle-age bisexuals
  • old bisexuals
  • closeted bisexuals
  • out bisexuals
  • neurotypical bisexuals
  • neuroatypical bisexuals
  • disabled bisexuals
  • non-disabled bisexuals
  • any other bisexual i have possibly left out because,
  • if you identify as bisexual,
  • then you are a valid bisexual

I finally thought of my own cute alien/human relationships thing and I wasn’t gonna post it but another one crossed my dash, so I am:

Aliens that don’t have to eat. Aliens that absorb their energy from light or heat or something and can’t go dark places or cold places or places without nutritious breathable gasses without technology to help them, but have never eaten. Aliens that are horrified that humans have to kill other beings and grind them up with their mouth parts and they don’t even use tools and oh gosh what even are teeth why do humans have exposed face bones that is TERRIFYING.

But also, aliens that eventually get to know the humans and realize most of them are usually reasonably good at not eating things that are obviously, actively sentient (though there are some disagreements on that front) and anyway they’re super friendly to creatures that can speak and they get very attached and fine, they can be friends with the humans even though they’re weird and scary. And then they’re like ‘I brought you a plant to crush in your mouth parts’ or 'I found this and it’s dead, are you hungry?’ Or 'you look dizzy do u need to eat my potted plant?’ And they are not very good at suggesting/providing food but gosh darnit they try and the humans think it’s adorable. And aliens get invited to dinner parties where there are sun lamps for them to sit under while the humans eat, because friendship, so they learn the cultural stuff around food and they can smell the interesting smells and it’s all good and pure. They don’t really understand the arguments about whose grandma makes the best food, but they nod and make positive facial expressions. It’s ok.

Speaking of creatures coming from another planet, you recently collaborated with Alex Turner and Miles Kane of the Last Shadow Puppets…" -

“(She bursts into laugher and claps her hands) They are truly hilarious, two madmen. They do not live far away from me, in Los Angeles. I’ve begun to train two evenings a week in the studio of Miles, in the neighborhood of Los Feliz, to play with no goals with the Last Shadow Puppets. Then we go eat dinner together with their girlfriends in ‘La Poubelle’ What a squad! I can’t count the amount of times I’ve ended up on the ground because I was laughing so hard. They are capable of speaking to one another by singing, with improvised lyrics. For example, one evening, I’ve told Miles about the concert of Joan Baez which I attended. He has never heard about her. Alex made up a song on the spot “Miles doesn’t know who Joan Baez is” (she screams)… None is ever safe of their twisted humor. When I first met them, I did have the impression that I met musicians who only live for the music, whose only thoughts are about music. Singing with them is truly invigorating, there is no need to repeat anything, they always find a continuation.

—  Lana Del Rey talking about Alex Turner and Miles Kane ( Les InRockuptibles, 2017)
the mercury signs

 Aries mercury: subjective, hypothetical, intuitive, creative, rapid, motivating, obstinate, direct, impulsive, honest // impatient, not detail oriented enough, too impulsive, too honest, opinionated

‘The burning flames of their thoughts heated up the air surrounding them. It had to happen. Now. These words had power in the way they put them, in the way they spoke them with this strong certainty, even though you knew their decision was paired with a hint of light shallowness. Still, the flames grew with every piece of their mind that came to life.’ 

Taurus mercury: realistic, practical, consequent, slow and steady, deliberate, experience through senses // not adaptive, stubborn, not taking opportunities/ not risking to think about other possibilities 

‘The most soothing voice is comforting you, a voice like the humming of Lorelei, the highest and purest form of sensation at the tip of her tounge and you listen to her for hours. She is true and real, she is slow but thinking through, you can see the glistening in her eyes as she laughs - remarking your great taste in music again.’

Gemini mercury: curious, flexible, unbiased, analytical, systematic, versaitile, quick witted, rather logical, impressionable // easily bored, playing mind games at times, really gossipy

‘Is this mind a blessing or a curse? All these worlds that are kept in their heads, all this information and lightning strikes connect them, sometimes shining bright when one thought travels to another country to visit the other side of the universe. They look up in the air and start brooding but laugh sooner or later afterwards - in the huge repertoir they found the clearest answer to the solution. Really, this mind is fascinating.’

Cancer mercury: nostalgic, subjective, emotional and empathetic, imaginative, intuitive, listeners, easily reads between the lines, helping/caring // too subjective, moody, avoid arguments to the point where it’s unhealthy

‘Hearing her speak is like reading an old novel, an old novel in an open bookshelf that you found near the street. You find old post carts and photos inside of it, people with painfully content faces, now vanished in the worn out process of floating time. Dreams that never got true, the laughing of a family sitting at the dining table, screaming at the moon and every other tear that was drowned in silence.

Leo mercury: loud, dramatic, positiv, intuitive, clever, creativ, prideful, warm //stubborn, too prideful, intolerant to other ideas/believes, exaggerating

‘He does not plainly speak, he announces, every word is saturated with gold and preach his wisdom, for that he is sharing it with you out of a greater purpose. You will hear him sing and scream and they will laugh and eagerly listen to his stories, for he is known that he has the most exciting stories to tell. If he always sticks to the truth while telling you his glorious tales? Well, he has an creative mind, for sure.’

Virgo mercury: analytical, methodical, realistic and critical, objective, logical, detail oriented, foresighted, organizing/systematical, picky, adaptable // intolerant, to detail oriented, too critical and/or whiny/pessimistic

‘There was a hint of amusement in the eyes of the leutnant. He thought about all the ways he and his soldiers could go, all the failures that lay ahead and all the victories that were made for them. Nobody doubted his cool and clear way of thinking, everybody knew that deep inside of him, there was a complexity of thoughts, like a spider web made out of ice - careful, do not touch it, it’ll easily break if shaken too much, when the wind is blowing at night. But of course, the spider is clever enough to build a better, much stronger web each day.’

Libra: objective, fair, diplomatic,imaginative, indecisive, pleasing, easy going/charming, connective, creative/deep interest in culture // do not adapt very fast, too pleasing/ indecisive, lazy, need to learn how to disagree

‘People want to call them rather superficial, but I laugh at the thought, that people think badly about such a talent. The smoothest, finest words come out of their mouths, answers that combine the most complex and different opinions from both sides of the crowd. Their mind is a bridge, a gateway to another room, where mentally your senses are touched gently and comforting.’

Scorpio: secretive, sharp minded, investigative, deep, nag for superiority, analytical, instinctive, uncompromising and enigmatic, say what they think // the need to be always better, too secretive, interpreting wrong theories, skeptive and negative/pessimistic, say what they think

‘When he speaks it is like the venom of the snake, every little word he shares and scatters makes you eager for more, but still left with nothing relevant as he knows how to play with words. Strong words, the words of a wounded man who knows that there is more to the world as the facade it puts on every day. He knows where your dead bodies are burried.’

Sagittarius: humorous, subjective, open minded, far-sighted, considerate, positiv, honest, look at the bigger picture, philosphical // brutally honest/ rudeness, not detail oriented enough, judgemental, taking things not seriously, impatient 

‘She is laying on an evergreen field in the prairie, with waterfalls that can be heard in the distance. A buzzard draws his circles up there in the sky and not a single cloud can be seen. She inhales and exhales the fresh, clean air. Thinking is freedom. And freedom is to think without limitations, in the most beautiful places that you can imagine.’

Capricorn: clever, clear, realistic, crytical/skeptical, practical, foresighted, sharp, concentrated, reasonable, methodical, cautious and carefully choosing words // pessimistic, too considerate about how they appear to others, moody, judgemental, at times impatient when people do not get their way of thinking

‘Sitting at the desk he releases his last words and formes them to letters that were written on the paper in front of him. Overthinking he scratches his head and bites his nails nervously. Usually his mind flows like a river but now a rainy day surprised him and he can’t see straight. As the clock strikes twelve, he stands up and opens the door behind him. A thousand eyes look up to him, eager to listen. He swallows and crumples the piece of paper into a ball. Now it’s his time to speak.’

Aquarius: analytical, impersonal, rapid, clear, objective, imaginative/visionary, open minded, quirky,  far-sighted and observant //thinks they are superior to others/intimidating, stubborn, love stirring up a conversation to make it more interesting

‘At the highest form it is like a god-like creature speaks to you through his body. His ideas so revolutional, so dynamic, so clear, how couldn’t you see the solution before? It was right in front of your eyes. People will call him crazy, or they will call him a genius. Sadly, it’s not for him to decide.’

Pisces: poetic, empathetic, creative, romantic, sensitive, utopic, trusting, indirect and soft // too indirect, naive, moody, impractical/disorganized, lazy

‘The eyes mirror the words she says, like an elfen creature, she imagines her dreams of a rosy colored glass house, with the finest art in it: her ideal kind of living. Like a sponge she soakes up the vibes in the room, suddenly feeling so highly saddened as she realizes that he thinks, he will never reach his dreams. “But he is a work of the highest form of art himself, how can he not see the beauty I am allowed to see every day in front of my eyes?” - Oh, she will probably keep these words to herself. 

Pride and Prejudice, and Consent

Time to cleanse the palate with a bit of positive relationship analysis!

One of the tropes that plagues, and has plagued, romance fiction ever since the invention of the novel is the idea of female consent not being necessary as long as the male is desirable and/or really wants her. Often, the heroine will succumb either to her own desires or his, whether she is entirely willing to do so or not, and that is framed as being analogous with passion—even love.

Well, two hundred years before Fifty Shades of Grey played fast and loose with consent issues, I present to you the antithesis of this trope in Mr. Darcy of Pemberley.

Elizabeth Bennet, the heroine of Pride and Prejudice, receives two proposals of marriage that are eerily similar, despite the outward differences of her two suitors. Mr. Collins and Mr. Darcy both spring unexpected and unwelcome proposals of marriage on her, calling to light her family’s lack of financial security and connection, seeing themselves as condescending to offer for her, and being completely perplexed by her refusal to accept them.

Elizabeth to Collins: You could not make me happy, and I am convinced I am the last woman in the world who would make you so.

Elizabeth to Darcy: I had not known you a month before I felt that you were the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed on to marry.“

Elizabeth’s words leave no ambiguity for either gentleman: she soundly rejects them both in a similar fashion. From this, readers may infer that since Darcy and Elizabeth end up together, it is Darcy who is persistent in his romantic intentions after Elizabeth has said “no.” But in fact, it is Collins who refuses to take no for an answer, and Darcy who never oversteps his bounds.

The first thing Collins says after he hears her rejection is that she cannot be serious in her refusal. 

 "I am not now to learn,” replied Mr. Collins, with a formal wave of the hand, “that it is usual with young ladies to reject the addresses of the man whom they secretly mean to accept, when he first applies for their favour; and that sometimes the refusal is repeated a second or even a third time. I am therefore by no means discouraged by what you have just said, and shall hope to lead you to the altar ere long.”

So elevated is his own sense of self-worth that she has to explain to him that she did, in fact, mean what she said:

  “Upon my word, sir,” cried Elizabeth, “your hope is rather an extraordinary one after my declaration. I do assure you that I am not one of those young ladies (if such young ladies there are) who are so daring as to risk their happiness on the chance of being asked a second time. I am perfectly serious in my refusal.”

What is the result? Collins still doesn’t take no for an answer, again:

  “Were it certain that Lady Catherine would think so,” said Mr. Collins very gravely – “but I cannot imagine that her ladyship would at all disapprove of you. And you may be certain that when I have the honour of seeing her again, I shall speak in the highest terms of your modesty, economy, and other amiable qualifications.”

  “Indeed, Mr. Collins, all praise of me will be unnecessary. You must give me leave to judge for myself, and pay me the compliment of believing what I say.”

And again:

  "When I do myself the honour of speaking to you next on this subject, I shall hope to receive a more favourable answer than you have now given me; though I am far from accusing you of cruelty at present, because I know it to be the established custom of your sex to reject a man on the first application, and perhaps you have even now said as much to encourage my suit as would be consistent with the true delicacy of the female character.”

  “Really, Mr. Collins,” cried Elizabeth with some warmth, “you puzzle me exceedingly. If what I have hitherto said can appear to you in the form of encouragement, I know not how to express my refusal in such a way as may convince you of its being one.”

And again:

   "You must give me leave to flatter myself, my dear cousin, that your refusal of my addresses is merely words of course. My reasons for believing it are briefly these: – It does not appear to me that my hand is unworthy your acceptance, or that the establishment I can offer would be any other than highly desirable. My situation in life, my connections with the family of De Bourgh, and my relationship to your own, are circumstances highly in my favour; and you should take it into farther consideration that, in spite of your manifold attractions, it is by no means certain that another offer of marriage may ever be made you. Your portion is unhappily so small, that it will in all likelihood undo the effects of your loveliness and amiable qualifications. As I must therefore conclude that you are not serious in your rejection of me, I shall chuse to attribute it to your wish of increasing my love by suspense, according to the usual practice of elegant females.“

   ”I do assure you, sir, that I have no pretension whatever to that kind of elegance which consists in tormenting a respectable man. I would rather be paid the compliment of being believed sincere. I thank you again and again for the honour you have done me in your proposals, but to accept them is absolutely impossible. My feelings in every respect forbid it. Can I speak plainer? Do not consider me now as an elegant female, intending to plague you, but as a rational creature, speaking the truth from her heart.“

And again:   

"You are uniformly charming!” cried he, with an air of awkward gallantry; “and I am persuaded that, when sanctioned by the express authority of both your excellent parents, my proposals will not fail of being acceptable.”

In fact, Collins only stops pursuing Elizabeth when her father puts his foot down and backs her refusal. Pride and Prejudice is a comedy, and so the tone is light on the surface, but beneath the satire is a very real, earnest desire to communicate how often women’s words—even their consent—are dismissed as fickle or inconsequential. Seeing our heroine not fleeing dramatically from a villain, but pursued by an entitled man who doesn’t take her words seriously, we feel Elizabeth’s sense of outrage and how belittling it is for Collins to act this way.

By contrast, though we might imagine a love interest like Darcy to be overcome with passion and try to make her his own by any means, Darcy is remarkably restrained and respectful without ever losing his ardent love for the woman he wants to marry. The first divergence of his response from Collins’ occurs right after he has been rejected:

   "And this is all the reply which I am to have the honour of expecting! I might, perhaps, wish to be informed why, with so little endeavour at civility, I am thus rejected. But it is of small importance.“

The wording here is important. He doesn’t demand that she explain why she rejected him, but rather why she was so impolite about doing so (since he has no knowledge of her dislike of him). He continues to be honest about his objections to her family’s behavior and place in the world, and to be angry at her for defending the duplicitous Wickham, but he never tries to convince her that she was wrong in rejecting him, even though he still views her as a social inferior.

After their heated conversation, Darcy leaves with an apology that he has occupied her for so long:

   "You have said quite enough, madam. I perfectly comprehend your feelings, and have now only to be ashamed of what my own have been. Forgive me for having taken up so much of your time, and accept my best wishes for your health and happiness.”

This is a far cry from Collins following Elizabeth around after the proposal and trying to go over her head to her parents for support.

But wait—doesn’t the love interest write Elizabeth a letter, convincing her to give him another chance?

No. Both Darcy’s letter and its method of delivery are respectful of Elizabeth’s boundaries and her refusal of him.

It should be noted that an unmarried gentlewoman receiving letters from a man she was not engaged to resulted in scandal if it were ever exposed. If Darcy had wanted to compel Elizabeth to marry him, he would only have had to deliver the letter publicly, or through the post. Instead, he delivers the letter in person, when they are alone in a park and there is no chance of discovery. It is still a bit of a risk, though, and so he asks (not demands) that she read it:

“Will you do me the honour of reading that letter?“

Right from the beginning, Darcy reassures Elizabeth that he is not trying to impose on her or get her to accept him after she has made her wishes clear:

 "Be not alarmed, madam, on receiving this letter, by the apprehension of its containing any repetition of those sentiments or renewal of those offers which were last night so disgusting to you. 

While it is more than apparent that her rejection stung and he is still in love with her, he never brings up the subject of the proposal again—the contents are a defense of the charges she had laid against his character, as well as a warning against Wickham for her own safety. He doesn’t ask for a second chance or demand she reconsider her words, even in light of this new information. Moreover, he trusts her with the knowledge of his sister’s near-elopement with Wickham (which could cause a scandal if discovered), thus risking as much by delivering the letter as Elizabeth does by accepting it. In every way, he trusts her judgment and keeps her wishes in mind.

When they meet again at Pemberley, Darcy is trying to reform his behavior. He is cordial to her tradesman uncle and aunt, and has divested himself of the haughtiness that prevented her from seeing his true worth initially. Darcy does not give himself permission to pursue Elizabeth as a result of this change in character; it is only after they have met and talked cordially that he asks her, not to speak with him alone, but to meet his sister. In fact, he resists making romantic overtures for the duration of the visit, which ends abruptly when Elizabeth discovers her sister’s elopement with Wickham. And even there, when she and Darcy are accidentally alone during her distress, he makes no move to use the occasion as an excuse to “comfort” her with his advances. His reaction is, in fact, quite the opposite:

 "I am afraid you have been long desiring my absence, nor have I anything to plead in excuse of my stay, but real, though unavailing, concern.”

Another opportunity arises for Darcy to compel Elizabeth to marry him, this time out of gratitude. Unable to see Elizabeth so wretched, he finds Lydia and Wickham in London and, at great expense, convinces them to marry. He saves not only her sister’s reputation but that of her entire family. Yet rather than use that as an example to Elizabeth of what a good person he is, he forbids her aunt and uncle from mentioning that it was he who saved the Bennets’ good name. Elizabeth doesn’t even know he was involved until Lydia thoughtlessly gives the game away (after she, too, was sworn to secrecy).  

How then, do Lizzy and Darcy get together? It is Elizabeth herself who gives Darcy a reason to believe her opinion of him has improved. During a verbal duel with Darcy’s formidable aunt, she comes out the winner and point-blank refuses to give Lady Catherine a promise not to pursue Mr. Darcy. Lady Catherine petulantly tries to cut the problem off at the source by relating everything to her nephew. It works about as well as you’d expect.

 But, unluckily for her ladyship, its effect had been exactly contrariwise.

   "It taught me to hope,“ said he, "as I had scarcely ever allowed myself to hope before. I knew enough of your disposition to be certain, that had you been absolutely, irrevocably decided against me, you would have acknowledged it to Lady Catherine, frankly and openly.”

What prompts Darcy to renew his offer of marriage is nothing more or less than evidence that Elizabeth had seen his change of heart and accepted it.

“You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once.My affections and wishes are unchanged; but one word from you will silence me on this subject for ever.”

Above is Darcy’s second proposal. After hearing her first rejection, he takes her at her word, respectfully gives her information that might have led her to mistaken conclusions about him, leaves even before he is asked to, reforms his own behavior, never takes advantage of their being alone to make unwanted advances, assists her and her family without taking any credit, and once he has seen enough signs to think she might accept him, renews his offer once and only once. If she says no again, unlike Collins, he will not continue to pester her or seek her out. He will not try to convince her that her decision was wrong. It is a sad statement on society that this is a remarkable thing, no less in the real world than in fiction, and all too prevalent in heroes of romance even two hundred years later. There is no shortage of love interests who mistake passion for permission, conflict for consent, and adversity for flirtation—but there is also no excuse for this to continue, particularly now. If a novel published in 1813 can understand the letter and spirit of consent, I think we can do better in our own time.


EDIT: Continued here.

Unexpected Detour

Context: My group’s ranger was on a sidequest to get her first animal companion. She had been magically transported to another plane of existence with an ex-nun-rogue, Wilona, who was not a very social person, or a very good nun. While walking through a forest, the two became surrounded by tall elf-like creatures speaking a language they did not understand. The nun tried speaking abyssal, but the strangers did not understand or recognize the language. The ranger, Talia was quick to discover that the strangers spoke common. 

Stranger:  You come from the material plane. What is your purpose here?

Wilona (in abyssal): We came to yiff.

DM: No, you do not get to say that and get away with it. Roll the D-20 to see what language you said that in.

She rolled, and of course, it was a three. 

DM: You said that in Common.

Stranger: To yiff? We are unfamiliar with that term. What does it mean?

Wilona: It’s a church term.

Stranger: It is religious?

Wilona: Yes, it’s a big thing at my church. We yiff 2, 3 times a service. I’m a nun so I actually spend most of my free time thinking about different ways to yiff.

Stranger: I see. This yiffing, does it take place with many people?

Wilona: Sometimes, but with a lot of people yiffing can get confusing.

Stranger (to Talia): Do you partake in the yiffing?

Talia: No! I’m more of a bodyguard. You see-

Wilona: She's lyingwe’ve yiffed together before. It’s an honor.

The strangers ended up helping Wilona and Talia get back to their own plane of existence, but in return they had to show them what yiffing was. They stood in a circle, lit incense, and sang a song to the goddess of the moon. 

Wilona: That was actually a nice service. It’s too bad we told them to call that yiffing.

Why… Why does there seem to be no gays at the night’s watch? The oath right there says “I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children.”. Gay sex seems like the most obvious loophole in the world? And yeah, we know they sometimes sneak out to near villages to visit brothels, so they’re probably not AS sexually frustrated as prisoners, or sailors from the 18’ century, but still. It seems highly unlikely there would be NO GAYS at all. Even if they hid their deeds, there are bound to be at least rumors, right?

Bard College: College of the Macabre

as a celebration of 600+ followers and also for fun, i’ve been working on homebrew necromancy-based subclasses for as many of the magic-using classes as possible. i’m so in love with bards that i happened to finish this one first :) i hope you guys like this quick homebrew of mine, and let me know if i should edit some things! i’m not perfect, and concrit is always welcome. let me know which class i should homebrew for next!

special thanks to @probablybardrpgideas​ and @probablyeyerpgideas​ for helping me iron out some of the details on this. this college was based on the artistic genre of the danse macabre; read more about it here


The College of the Macabre calls to those bards who wish for their song to reach past death and revel at the grey areas of mortality. Some say that the first bard of this college was taught by Vecna himself, when the lich rose to godhood and began whispering to his followers. In recent years, some bards of this college have striven to erase what they consider as their shameful history, seeking to show that their arts aren’t as dark as their origins claim. Despite their efforts, the bards of this college are seen with some level of terrified respect and fear. Though the more heroic bards have been able to fight back against some prejudice, using their magic to force beasts as large as dragons into an exhausting, never-ending dance, more villainous bards have used their skills to attempt to raise vast armies of undead, setting them upon villages and claiming more lives in the name of their one-eyed deity.

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