I sat waiting, praying for the time to go back instead of forward.
I looked at my wrists and remembered just how feeble I felt inside.
I just wanted to leave behind all the stains you left on me.
So I walked hoping to get as far away from this town as possible.
I ran and with each step I tried to pretend I was leaving everything behind, as if in a few steps I’d be in a new world with a new life.
The air burnt my lungs and I sat on the cold hard ground, imagining that this is how my heart must feel.
I cried, not one of those sobs where your entire body shakes and your head hurts and your chest feels like its caving in.
It was a soft silent cry and I knew in that moment that the old me was dead and gone
Lost somewhere in the wind and now here I was dead, empty and cold.
I couldn’t fight it anymore.
I didn’t want to fight the feeling anymore.
I gave in.
I picked up that razor and I went hard and fast,
trying to rid the ugly pieces of me.
I picked up that bottle and drank until
I couldn’t feel the blood dripping down my wrists.
I caved in.
I don’t want to wake up tomorrow.
With the brown freckles
Isn’t what reminds me of dirt
It’s how I want to stomp your head in
In the middle of a forest
With mud all over your body
It’s how I want to watch you decompose
Magots crawling out of your skin
With their brown tinted bodies
It’s how when I throw your body in a river
The dirt will turn to mud
Your face just brings the emphasis
Of what I want to do to you
i keep searching for inspiration in the same tired places and come up empty handed instead, my fingers tap aimlessly on worn in plastic trying to make sense of a world that can barely understand itself
The best parts of me aren’t real. I’ve created this person for you to love and I’m a little too tired tonight to bring her out.
Yeah I know this isn’t what you signed up for but I told you what you were in for darling.
I’m giving you a way out now, handed you the eviction notice to our love. Take it and run.
You don’t need me and I don’t love you.
We were depressed but because we had each other we pretended that we weren’t.
We pushed it down the same way we pulled our sleeves down over our arms and hoodies over our heads hoping no one would notice.
But that was the thing, we couldn’t fix each other.
We needed to fix ourselves.
We needed real love, love within,
love for ourselves before trying to love each other.
I let him go.
He let me go.
He found himself at the bottom of a bottle of vodka and
I still walk around at night hoping that I’ll see something familiar, maybe a glimpse of myself.