“What you mean your done?” I question with a puzzled look.
“I can’t do this anymore, this marriage, this thing,this us, I’m over it all.”
In that moment my heart shattered into a million pieces I had been hit by a freight train. My mind went from all the things we could be, to the things we were. “You love I” was what I just said five minutes ago as my mind began to press rewind on the preverbial VHS tape that was lodged in my head titled “Our Journey in Love.” Crazy I never thought that this day would come, but good thongs font last forever they say.
“Together fun much so have still we” just a few short months ago you said these words to me. Crazy how time changes everything. I can picture us holding walking backwards into the movies where sat the flick from end to beginning. Walking backwards to the ticket boothe.
“You thank.” I say with a Smile going back a straight face.
“Left the the to 9 auditorium” the clerk said as I handed her back the tickets.
“Please Thor for tickets 2” politely those words entered my mouth just as they had once exited months prior. Vividly my journey in the past continued. Too bad I couldn’t stop it and record over for if I could I completely would. “Out stepped I” looking back I could see the change from when I said those words. I didn’t see or understand then but I see it now.
“Honest 100% be to going I’m” the regret and shame on my face was undeniable.
“Lately right been ain’t things” hurt already filled in your eyes. That was b far the toughest of times in my 26 years but I see now I had to go through it, was no way around it. I hurt all over playing that back. But on I kept going thru this mental flashback.
“It did we baby” joy filled your eyes and mine.
“Home a own we believe you can” the energy was electric back then as I spoke to you. Made really me really question how and why I let us get to the end of this tape. But I had all the mistakes right here in front of me. As I peer deeper we used to have fun, a lot was lost over the years.
“Wife wedded lawful be to woman this take you do” the butterflies filled my stomach all over again as the rush of emotions filled my heart as though I was standing there right now.
“Papi yes” you said walking backwards from the Courthouse.
“This do to ready you” the nervousness was all in my tone.
Further and further the VHS rolled back highlighting the low lights of relationship. Showing me all the places I could have been better. A little more attention to detail here, be more open there. It was the simplest of shit that caused a ship to sink. Over time what was minor grew to be major.
“Boy a it’s” I couldn’t stop the emotions or water from my eyes as I played back the day you made me a daddy. Sky was the limit. I had called you wifey before that day but, you sealed the deal that day. It was about you back then.
“Ok you are” I was forever concerned about you, hell you were on bed rest before the second month of the second trimester. Sick as a dog but, there was anything I wouldn’t do for my lady. Lobster tail from where? Lemonade from what store? Name it you had it.
“Yourself bad too not you’re” you replied back.
“Gorgeous kinds all you ain’t” that how I decided to message a friend of a friend on MySpace. Wasn’t long before you would make it in my top 8 but I had no clue what would become of that simple greeting.
We never know where love begins nor can we accurately depict when it will end. All I know is when it ends it usually is painful. But I care not to dwell on the pain so I still search for love everyday.
I’m so hardcore looking forward to being home(ish) in a few days. I’ll get to actually spend time with Holden ( holdenyouhostage ) without me being a lame-sauce dick. I dunno, I’m just really missing friend time with him. I haven’t been able to decompress like I used to.
No one is perfect; but everyone is great. Beautiful, even. Everyone has their faults. They just aren’t nearly as important to me. Think of a sculpture: Human-made, thus guaranteed to have flaws. Some are better than others. Some have flaws that are jarringly obvious, while some have flaws that are nearly imperceptible. But none of it takes away from the beauty of the sculpture. It’s still a piece of artwork, created with some purpose or message or meaning in mind. Even if there are too many flaws for the sculpture to be considered aesthetically beautiful, it can still be appreciated for all the time and effort and thought it took the artist to create his/her masterpiece.
AP students get really good grades because we know how to cheat well. A teacher gives any kind of typed assignment? A take home test? A free-response straight from a published AP exam? No problem. A few seconds on Google and you’ve got the entire thing, questions and answers, right there. So we’re really good at cutting corners and doing our work “efficiently,” when efficient is defined as completed correctly and quickly. Unfortunately, we’re also being dealt the short stick. We’re teenagers. Why are we going to spend tons of effort and time on an assignment when our teachers didn’t? Not saying they don’t invest ample amounts of time and effort in us as it is, so I guess I’m just shoving my foot in my mouth here. But I can’t help but feel like I’m being cheated when my teachers copy and paste someone else’s work – usually work found within the top ten Google results if you do it right. Like, why am I going to spend two and a half hours trying to come up with answers to questions a stranger is asking me? Aside from the obvious, y'know, gain of knowledge or something. I dunno. Whatever. This has been pointless and now I’m rambling. Basically I just hate the system but there’s no way to fix it anymore.
I am frustrated and just want to bash my head against the wall but my luck if I did that I would disturb a family of scorpions and they’d team up with their neighbors the spiders and they would all descend upon me in my sleep and I would never wake up
I want a published collection of an author’s “bad starts.” I want to read all the beginnings that didn’t deserve endings, the sentences that shouldn’t be dignified with punctuation, the thoughts that seemed so great but executed so poorly. I want to experience someone else’s efforts.