I crave intimacy. Not just any intimacy but the innocent intimacy. The hand and forehead kisses,the firm hugs from behind, snuggles under the blanket, the gentle “I love you"s as you’re drifting into a deep sleep…I crave it all..
And I swear that I love you.
And I swear that your arms felt like home.
And I swear your hoodie makes me happy.
And I swear that I should come home:
To your heart beating in perfect symphony to mine.
And to the feeling of wishing your body was with mine.
I crave love but when it tries to greet me at the front door,
I say I didn’t hear it knocking,
pretend I’m not home.
I guess I’m trying to say I obsess over the idea of love so bad until I’m finally faced with it.
Until love wants me back.
I like the feeling of flying but landing scares me.
Maybe I’m not good at being vulnerable.
Maybe I’m scared of being hurt.
Maybe I was never taught how to land properly.
And I think what I miss most is the ‘almost’. Sure, we ‘almost’ dated, but it’s so much more than that. We 'almost’ cuddled on your couch under cozy blankets drinking cocoa and watching television. We 'almost’ planted kisses on one another when we parted. We almost wrapped our arms around each other at dances while staring into one another’s eyes and soaking in the magic. We almost bought each other cheesy Christmas presents and funny birthday cards. I almost got to wear your sweatshirts and I almost got to FaceTime you about my day. We almost held hands together in the hallway and ate lunch with our friends. I almost got to fall asleep on your chest after a movie day. I almost got you saying you loved me and telling me how much I meant to you. I almost had you in my arms. And those almosts hurt much more than the word 'dating’ ever could.
I wrote this for you because I’m sorry and I want it back. (TRM)