crash my car

Lance is like… the unexpected ride or die friend. He’s the guy you call when your car breaks down in the middle of the night but only after you’ve already tried ten other people. And when he picks up you don’t really have high hopes because you two aren’t really that close, but apparently he didn’t get the memo because he’s immediately like “oh shit yeah sure gimme a sec to get some clothes on and get in my car and also do you want coffee or anything? because I think I’m gonna stop and get some so I don’t crash my car on the way lol. no? you sure? okay hang tight for a few mins be right there”

Fun side effects of MaDD: Long daydreams, creative mind, easy entertainment, good distraction

Not-so-fun side effects: THE UNCONTROLLABLE NEED TO IMAGINE EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE SCENARIO OF WHAT HAPPENED WHENEVER SOMEONE IS FIVE MINUTES LATE INCLUDING VERY DESCRIPTIVE IMAGES AND for some reason now we’re daydreaming their funeral while they open the door, lack of time management skills, loss of social skills, disassociation, etc.

  • Albus: Teddy, pretend to be my mom to Scorpius's mom.
  • Teddy: [picks up the phone] Hello? This is...Mum Potter. The children are playing swords. Sorry. Playing with swords. Oh no. They are dead. Do not call again. [hangs up]
  • Scorpius and Albus: ...
  • Teddy: Sorry, I panicked.
BTS as things I’ve done

Seokjin: Purposely gave my friend a broken Wii remote so I could beat her at Mario Kart.

Yoongi: Made my friend think my house was haunted by moving things around and turning things on and off and scared her so bad she refused to stay the rest of the night.

Hoseok: Almost made my mum crash the car because I shouted really loudly when I saw a bunny in a field.

Namjoon: Accidentally set fire to the greaseproof paper I was using while cooking and almost burnt the house down.

Jimin: Went on a rant about how stupid crocs are without realising the woman standing behind me was wearing them and then ran out of the store because I was so embarrassed.

Taehyung: Got lost at the Kennedy Space Centre because I walked off to take a picture of a squirrel.

Jungkook: Embarrassed my friend by dancing around a store, passionately singing along to ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ when it started playing.

life tip: replace those “i’m sorry”s with “thank you”s!

for instance, instead of saying “i’m sorry that i crashed my car into your house” say, “thank you that i crashed my car into your house,”

anonymous asked:

omg zayn as your gps voice - lol i would crash my car the first time it came on

I really wish his team would get on board with that as an in-app Zaynmoji purchase. 

“Ah fink yew went theh wrong weh”

“Dis tuhrn is cohmin’ oop”

“Yeh might beh interested in dis caht movie playin’ neahbyeh”