Shit I Say When I’m Doing Surgery
  • Don’t you dare fucking half-hitch on me.
  • Ovary #2, where the hell do you think you’re going?
  • Wheeeeeeere oh wheeeeere is this blood coming from?
  • Shit. Oh shit shit shit.
  • Testicles are pale & tacky with a capillary refill time of greater than 2 seconds… BECAUSE THEY’RE DETACHED. MUAHAHAHA!
  • Sorry, bro. Don’t take this personally.
  • Was that 3 throws or 4? 
  • I can’t believe people trust me to do this.
  • I have magic hands.
  • This is the best goddamn intradermal pattern I have ever done. Better take a selfie with it later.
  • Maxwell is a 2 year old previously intact male… tehehe.
  • Guuuurl, you need some cosmetic surgery on them titties.
  • Fuuuuuck. Oh nope, I’m good. False alarm!
  • That better not be a ureter. 
  • Bladder, get the fuck out of my way.
  • Omentum, get the fuck out of my way.
  • Jejunum, get the fuck out of my way.
  • Oh my goodness, someone come look at how cute this cervix is!
A plea for help

Hi all! I have a group assignment to create a communication tool on a topic of veterinary interest (broad I know). Part of the assignment is to ‘pretest’ our tool and gain feedback about what impressions people get and how to make our message clearer.
So for all the vetblrs out there please check out the link, watch the video, explore the site and send me any feedback! The site is not mobile friendly, it will still work but will look super funny.
Tagging all the vets and vet students I follow in the hopes that they have a spare 5-10min
@drferox @vetmedirl @cranialcruciatus @fortheloveofcows @alaskanvetstudent @ausvetstudent @4yearsofvetschool @gram-stained-paws @soontobedvm @scrawls

thank you in advance!!!
  • Me:"Do you feed her any treats?"
  • Client:"No, no treats."
  • Client's Husband:"You fed her part of your steak yesterday. That counts as a treat!"
  • Client:"No it doesn't! That steak was an all grass fed, no antibiotics, free range pasture steak. It was healthy for her."
  • Clients Husband:"What about all the rawhides you give her? She had three yesterday alone."
  • Client:"Those aren't treats. They're bones."
  • Me:"Ma'am were you informed that in order for this allergy test to work [pet's name] needed to be on a strict diet and not given any treats?"
  • Client:"I don't give her treats."
Things Clients Have Said To Me
  • “I need my cat checked for lice. My daughter got pubic lice & we’re certain she got it from the cat since he sleeps in her bed.” (Honey, that ain’t the only thing sleeping in your daughter’s bed.) 
  • “Can you hold my knife? I gotta dig deeper into my pocket.” (Texas)
  • “Will he be depressed if he can’t lick his butt?”
  • “Do you always get to wear pajamas to work?”
  • “To give him the injection, will you have to use a needle?”
  • “If I told you he got into some weed, would y’all have to like… call the cops?”
  • “Are dogs like humans in that if they accidentally swallow some gum it’s going to stay in their body for 7 years?”
  • “Don’t let her drink tap water. She only drinks mineral water. Do you have any of that?” (This dog was drinking fancier than I was.)
  • (Great Dane comes in a few days after a neuter with a massive infection) “I took off his e-collar the day after surgery because he looked sad.”
  • “Oh you want to go to vet school? Why don’t you want to be a real doctor?” (Excuse me, what? What?)
  • “I’ve been trying to get her to stop eating rocks!” (After Doc had showed the client a radiograph of kidney stones.)
  • “She’s never had fleas before! She must have just gotten them from this room!”
  • “I want to get him neutered because I think he’s gay.”
  • Me: “She’s going to need her distemper vaccine.” Client: “No no, I don’t want that one this time. It didn’t do anything for her behavior before.”
These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things
  • Draining abscesses. Seriously. I swear tons of endorphins are released as soon as I lance something & just watch it drain. Let me scoop what’s out of there!
  • Dental cleanings. Before & after pictures are best. I like my smile bright & white & I like making my patients’ smiles just the same. Lemme scrape that plaque all off. When it comes off in just one giant slab…. ugh, yeeesss. 
  • Saying “Suction…” dramatically but almost bored-like similar to how they do in medical shows (y’all know what I’m talking about!). Even if I don’t need suction & I’m working solo for the moment & I’m just using gauze. “Suction… *dabs lightly with 4x4*”
  • “Is [Pet Name] on regularly dosed heartworm prevention?” “Yes.” #Winning
  • When clients ask to take pictures with me. GIIIIIRL, YOU KNOW I LOVE A SELFIE, GET IN HERE, LET’S DO THIS SHIT. I’ll turn on my overhead lights so we can get that good lighting.
  • “Dr. Esparza, [Pet Name] is so excited to see you!” That’s because I’m fucking awesome. Your pet is fucking awesome. We’re all fucking AWESOME.
  • Neurological examinations. You know how when you were a kid & your doctor tapped your knee with the reflex hammer? Yeah well animals can’t fake that shit. You ever watch some pets’ faces when you get their reflexes going? Their face goes from “Oh no what’s happening?” to “HOLY FUCK WHAT IS MY LEG DOING?”
  • More on neurological examinations. I HAVE A LEGITIMATE REASON TO WHEELBARROW YOUR PET. C’mon. That’s cool.
  • Even more on neurological examinations. I just get to tap all over your pet’s face & make weird hand motions toward their eyes to check their cranial nerves. Lemme just stick my finger in this ear *tickle tickle* YEAH, YEP, THAT’S SOME GOOD EAR TWITCHING YOU GOT THERE.
  • Before surgeries we have to make sure the bladder is empty. If the pet won’t go for me outside, I get excited. You know why? Because then I get to express that bladder later. It’s like a mini golden water fountain.
  • Those cases where the client says some magic words when I’m getting a history & I immediately know what the illness/ailment/problem is. 
  • Animals that fit in my white coat pockets. I mean, I don’t think I should have to elaborate on that. It’s just super cute.
  • Whiskers on kittens.
  • Whiskers on puppies.
  • Making it through the day without ruining my scrubs or white coat. But who am I kidding, those days are rare.
  • I definitely pretend I’m a Parseltongue anytime I have a serpentine patient. I won’t even deny it. 

Strontium 90 therapy uses a radioactive probe to apply singular doses of radiation to superficial tumors; most commonly squamous cell carcinoma in veterinary medicine. The tip of the probe gives off a low radiation energy that can penetrate a few millimeters of tissue. This is ideal because specific areas can be treated locally without creating damage to surround heathy tissue. Often the probe needs to be held to the lesion for several minutes (depending on the age of the probe). This 14 year old thoroughbred mare presented with suspected SCC of the conjunctiva & cornea. A 7 minute treatment with the strontium 90 probe was performed. Treatment will be repeated in 3 weeks as needed following a recheck examination. Treatment may lead to the development of an ulcer or small scab that heals over time regardless of which tissue type is treated. In order to perform this treatment mild sedation was administered because, after all, nobody really likes having their eye poked! #cranialcruciatus #vetblr #vetmed #vet #vetlife #veterinary #veterinarymedicine #veterinarian #veterinaria #dvm #doctor #radiation #neoplasia #scc #squamouscellcarcinoma #equine #horse #strontium90 #medicine

Made with Instagram

SPLs are placed in animals that require frequent topical ocular medications. The SPL is placed beneath the eyelid at the level of the conjunctiva. The tubing runs back and is typically woven into the mane to maintain stability. When medications need to be give there is an injection port at the end of the tubing for administration. This route is significantly easier than struggling with a horse to apply medications directly to their eye every two hours. #cranialcruciatus #veterinarymedicine #spl #equine #ophthalmology #horse #topical #vetmed #veterinarian #medicine #veterinaria #vetlife #vetblr #vetstagram #dvm #4vm #eyes #clinicalrotations

Made with Instagram
Things Clients Have Said To Me (Part 2)

Now that I am in my clinical year, I seem to filter through more clients than I did when working as a technician. Within the last month & a half alone, this is what I have heard clients say…

  • Doc: “How are the teeth on the cow?” Client: “She’s good. She’s got more teeth than my ex-wife.”
  • “I like that dog over there, the off-brand one.” (Off brand, as in mixed breed?)
  • (I took an emergency call) Me: “Hi ma'am, I heard your snake wasn’t breathing?” Client: “Oh, he’s breathing. I just said that to get through the phone lines faster. What do I do now that he’s in an oxygen tank?” (She called a vet clinic, while in another vet clinic…)
  • “Y'all diagnosed my cat with herpes & when I went to the doctor a few days ago I was diagnosed with it. What can I do to prevent my cat from giving the other members in my family herpes?" 
  • "Can a pigeon give my chickens mad cow disease?” (I was actually silent on the phone for a moment to process this question in my mind).
  • “I can’t leave my house because there is a bird walking in circles at the end of my driveway. What should I do?” (Same lady as above.)
  • “If I vaccinate the dad, I won’t have to vaccinate the puppies, right?”
  • “Well I brought him in because it looked like his kneecap fell off…”
  • Client: “He has a tumor on his penis.” 4VM: “Sir, that is a healthy part of his penis.” (Bulbus glandis)
  • “I don’t believe in bloodwork.” (What?)
  • Client: “I think she needs that happy shot.” Me: “Happy shot?” Client: “Yeah, the one that makes them not tempermental.” Me: “Distemper?” Client: “Yes! That’s the one.” (Does nobody explain what shots are for when they give them? Are distemper shots forever going to be misunderstood by clients?)
  • “We came in to adopt another cat because our cat is gay and we respect his life choices.”
  • “I brought him in because his lipstick is always showing and it scares me.”
  • “I’m a firm believer that when animals refuse their medications that means they’re ready to try to heal themselves on their own, so I stopped giving her her antibiotic after 3 days.” (The prescription was for 14 days.)
  • (Duck was in for a right hind limb degloving injury. Came in for daily bandage changes.) Client: “I figured out a way to help her work out her other leg since she doesn’t walk much with the leg wrapped up. I’m going to strap her to a skateboard so that she can wheel herself around and work out her left leg.” Doc: “Yeah… I think the velocity of that might be too much for her. Let’s not do that.”
Lost a patient today...

This morning at 6AM I went into the ICU at the teaching hospital to do my morning treatments on the two cardio patients that we had in there. I went over to patient number 2 to take her outside for her morning walk. She seemed excited to see us. She got up, wagged her tail, shivered a bit in anticipation of getting outside. She looked great! She was scheduled to go home at 8am.

She died at 6:23AM.

Just the day before she had had surgery to close up a patent ductus arteriosis. The surgeons made this surgery look easy. Everything went great. The device was perfectly in place. It was only 50 minutes cut to close. No complications. No issues. It was perfect. 

She was doing great after surgery. No temperature. No difficulties breathing. No arrhythmia. Eating heartily. 

This morning after getting her leash around her neck, we called for her to step out of the kennel. She seemed hesitant at first, but she was a shy dog so we expected as much. As soon as she stepped out of the kennel she collapsed to the floor. At first we thought she had only slipped, so we went to pick her back up. Immediately we noticed she bent her head back, rolled her eyes, and lost control of her bladder. We dropped to the ground to begin chest compressions & called for help. Technicians ran over. We got her up onto the table and kept doing compressions, got her on oxygen, and trying to get her heart to restart.

In the background I could hear someone calling my resident to tell him what was going on, but I remained focused on one thing: her. Keep her heart pumping. Is she breathing? Keep her heart pumping. Who cares if your arms are getting tired, she needs you. Keep her heart pumping. She’s breathing on her own now? Her palpebral reflexes came back. Don’t get your hopes up just yet. Keep her heart pumping. Keep her heart pumping. Keep her heart pumping.

People jumped in to trade places periodically to do compressions. 

After 20 minutes they called time of death.

She was only 7 months old. She was scheduled to go home at 8AM. She was excited to see us. Her surgery had went well. 

We still don’t know what went wrong.

We did radiographs and an echocardiogram on her body to see if the PDA device had moved; it hadn’t. It was still intact. Her overnight ICU record showed she was doing great.

We still don’t know what went wrong.

I watched as my resident called the owners and told them to not make the drive up to the A&M… that he had bad news. I heard them crying over the phone. It broke my heart all over again. Just 10 hours prior we had given them great news, told them they could bring her home tomorrow morning.

We still don’t know what went wrong.

I’m sorry I couldn’t keep her heart pumping.

I’m sorry we don’t know what went wrong.

I’m sorry.

I’m so so sorry.

Things Clients Have Said To Me (Part 3)
  • (Eye was proptosed for over 8 hours before client brings dog in) “We think he’s in pain. Can we just like, push the eye back in?”
  • Client: “The puppies haven’t been winged from their mother.” Me: “Winged?” Client: “Yes, winged. *flaps arms like a bird* So they can go out on their own.” (She meant weaned.)
  • Me: “We can’t seem to get her interested in any food we offer her. Can you tell me a little bit about what you feed her at home?” Client: “Oh well she’s fed Hill’s l/d, wet and dry mix, with carrots, peas, and pumpkin mixed in, add about 1/8 cup of water, heat it up to 92*F, then we hand feed her three times a day.”
  • “I wanted to be a veterinarian once. Then I saw my vet stick his fingers up my dog’s butt and that dream was shattered. Have you ever stuck your fingers up a dog’s butt?”
  • “I think I need to get him neutered. Yesterday I saw a sperm hanging out of his penis & realized he was a man now.” (Just one. One sperm. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that sperm are microscopic.)