While he has shown attraction to men (The MC/Joseph,) and women (His deceased wife,) the fact that having sex with him at any point of his route locks you into his bad end, gives me the vibes that sex for him isn’t as pleasurable as it may have once been.
He’s one of the few dads that will not have a sex scene with your MC. While it may be because, at the time, he’s not 100% open to you about him being transgender and fears how you would react (It’s implied by his son, Lucien, that people aren’t exactly the nicest to his dad,) I like to think it’s a case of Damien simply not caring much for sex.
Craig: Gay. Especially for the MC.
Yes, Craig was married to “Smashley” for a significant portion of his life, but it’s very possible to still be gay while having past romantic relations with women. The fact that River is so much younger than the Twins also gives an idea that him and Ashley may not have had much of a sex life, further cementing the idea that, while he cared a lot for Ashley, he may not have felt that way specifically for her.
Oh yeah, and the whole way he’s extremely friendly to the MC, even before the first date, sorta gives me the idea that Craig has a far stronger view on the MC than just “bros.” You can’t tell me you haven’t seen an old college roomie/friend in presumably years (At least one year, since the MC had no idea about Craig and Ashley’s divorce,) but can still immediately recognize them while you’re on a jog. From a distance, no less, considering he was calling out for your attention.
You know why.
Mat: Bisexual, or whatever sexual orientation Vernon Shaw is.
Mat had a wife in the past, before her untimely demise. And of course, he shows clear interest in the MC. I can see him being Bi, Pan, or any sort of combo of sexuality that doesn’t just limit on one gender specifically.
Or, well, since Mat is supposed to be Vernon’s self-insert, his sexuality is whatever sexuality Vernon has. I don’t know, I really don’t keep up with the Grumps.
The only dad to mention he has an ex-husband, over an ex-wife.
Brian is one of two dads who we have no idea what their past spouse was like (The other being Damien.) So it’s hard to gauge with that fact. I mean? Maybe he’s Demisexual? Only experiences sexual attraction to people he develops strong emotions for. I could see this, considering the fact he’s one of three dads where sex isn’t an option (Damien and Robert are the others, tho Robert you can still have sex, it’s just real fuckin’ bad to do that.)
Craig: He’s 3rd generation Korean. His grandparents came to America during the Korean Conflict. His father was North German hence his last name and his mother. Smashley is of Filipino and Korean descent.
Brian: His family came from England and Ireland back in the day. Many on his father’s side worked on the transcontinental railroad while his Mother’s side are descendants from some of the inhabitants of the 13 original colonies.
Damien: He’s of German and Scandinavian decent. A majority of his ancestors came in the late 1800’s to farm the Midwest region. His mother was a beatnik in the day so she was supportive of his interest in a subculture.
Hugo: His father is a native of Oaxaca and his mother is a mestiza from Mexico City. They moved to America together to raise their child and ensure that he got a fair opportunity to go to college.
Mat: His family came from parts of Cameroon and the Southern US. Some of his ancestors aided in the Underground Railroad. He is very proud of his heritage and helps out with multicultural shows when he has the time.
Robert: He is half Oneida, a tribe that was part of the Iroqouis Confederacy and half Southern Italian. Robert’s parents met in Brooklyn and raised Robert with the help of his very Italian grandmother. His interest in cryptids began when he encountered a wendigo (a cannibalistic spirit from Algonquin lore) in his teenage years.
Joseph: He is very Scandinavian and his family came to America the same time as Damien’s. His father’s side is Swedish and his Mother’s is Danish and Norwegian. He is an avid baker and whips up things like rosettes and krumkake around the holidays.
Brian: Brian would joke around at first, and ask how his beard feels. After that fun, he’d give them a bear hug and thank them for the compliment. He would awkwardly but dorkily(?) say that they look really nice also.
Joseph: Joseph would smile and blush, and he would reassure them that they’re very attractive as well.
Craig: Craig would get all blushy, and he’d love it. He would probably give them a soft cheek peck afterwords and thank them.
Hugo: Hugo would definitely blush a lot, and tell them they’re attractive as well. He would bring them in for a hug and pet their hair reassuringly.
Mat: Mat would probably in a little shock, and after his shock he’d tear up and bring them into a hug, complimenting them back.
Robert: Robert would snicker, and be sarcastic saying “Well, I guess you’re okay compared to me.” And then after a few seconds he would clear his throat, and he’d follow it up with “Okay, but all jokes aside you’ve got some pretty nice facial features yourself.”
Damien: Damien would blush and smile at them, embracing them and speaking softly into their ears that “You’re perfectly fine the way you are, signif. Whoever you turn out to be, I’ll love you all the same. Can I kiss you?” And give them a light kiss on the cheek.
Robert has a soft spot for dogs and when you suggest getting a second dog, he practically carries you out the door and to the shelter. You get a bloodhound named Sherlock. He and Betsey make quite the cryptid hunting team.
Lucien is allergic, so you end up getting a hypoallergenic dog. She’s a Pomeranian and her name is Victoria. Guess who named her.
Briar and Hazel want a big dog and Craig wants something small and gentle. You settled on twin bulldogs named Sugar and Honey. They definitely lives up to their names.
He wants a classic golden retriever. You end up with a golden retriever named Arin and a sheepdog named Danny because you couldn’t say no to Amanda AND a puppy.
One day, a scruffy little terrier wanders up to your porch and Carmensita fell in love with her. You and Mat took her to the vet to vaccinate her and named her Lilac.
Duchess is dog enough for both of you.
Daisy and Amanda convinced you to adopt a scrappy little Labrador puppy named Alexander. He had a notch in his ear from a fight, but he loves Brian.
You get a pitbull mix named Cerberus, but he’s just a sweetheart that likes belly rubs.
Fuck ya’ll that’s an amazing concept let me get at this *cracks knuckles*
Joseph: He would be extremely protective over them, and he would announce the stalker situation to his church so people know to keep an eye out and stay safe. If he encountered the stalker, well… you know the rest.
Craig: Would text them often to see how they’re doing. Invites them to stay with him until the situation is settled, and is prepared to call 911 at all times. Takes them to all of his softball practices and games.
Mat: Invites them over more often, and tells them to visit the coffee shop daily if they can. Installs security cameras at the coffee shop just in case the stalker decides to follow them there. Offers to walk them home every night, and stays the night at their house sometimes.
Hugo: He’ll inform the authorities right away that there’s a stalker by the cul de sac. He will read up on how to ensure safety and make sure that precautions are taken. Might even take them to his classes so he knows that they’re safe. Takes them out to dinner nearly every night, and has them stay over late and walks them back home afterwards.
Brian: Practically grows eyes in the back of his head. Will have his s/o take Maxwell out wherever they go. He would check up on them frequently, and also give them one of his knives and his bear mace from camping to keep in their pockets. Starts to do yard work every day to make sure Daisy is safe too.
Damien: He will walk his s/o everywhere,and even stay the night with them and let them stay the night at his place sometimes. If things get too serious, he’ll bring it up to the police right away. If anyone looks suspicious he’ll probably shoot them a “back off hoe” look and when they look away he’ll go back to normal. He would look after Lucien often as well to be safe.
Robert: Will protect them at all costs. Takes them to the bar whenever he goes and hangs out with them way more often. Considers giving them one (or more) of his knives to carry around until he catches the stalker and takes care of it himself.
Headcanon Craig Cahn had a crush on your dadsona all through college. It was the kind of crush that he only noticed when he was blackout drunk in the bathtub, mostly because you took the time to get him an icepack for the ankle he probably broke but can’t really feel right now cause Jaeger.
I don't know if requests are open or closed but: Reactions for the S!O having an anxiety attack?
Robert- Robert wouldn’t be quite too sure about what to do the first time you have an anxiety attack in front of him, but he would try his best to calm you down by taking you to a calmer and more private setting. He would kiss your forehead and pull you in for a hug(as long as it wouldn’t make you more nervous) and once you two were home he would get you all comfy on the couch and bring you something to snack on.
Damien- Damien would be prepared for the moment and would make sure he knew what helped beforehand. Despite being prepared he would still be a little jumpy at first but would be able to react quickly anyways.
Brian- Brian would be very physically affectionate and would hug you tightly and rock you back and forth slowly. He often times might try to talk to you to distract you from whatever was making you so anxious.
Craig- Craig’s they type of guy to approach things with health shit and exercise so it that respect he would probably make you something like a smoothie or just grab you a drink and would try to take you out of that situation. He might try to get you to go outside and walk it off with him but if you didn’t feel up to that he would be more than happy to sit down somewhere as you cuddle up next to him.
Joseph- Joseph would be a little surprised in the moment you have an anxiety attack because he most likely wasn’t expecting it but he would ask you if you were alright, and upon you saying no he would have you sit down and would try to talk through the situation and ask about what he could do to help.
Hugo- Hugo has dealt with many anxiety attacks in his time as a teacher and has come prepared. He would have already discussed what he should do to help you before so that he could be ready for this moment. He would spew dumb funny facts to try and distract you from the stressful situation.
Mat- Mat isn’t always the best with these kinds of situations but he can relate. He knows how it feels to be in a panic and he tries to help you the best he knows how. If he can remove you from the situation and take you to a quiet place then he’ll try to say things to cheer you up but when that doesn’t always work he hums/sings to you softly to relax you.
So, in thinking about the timeline of Dadsona’s life, he says he’s about 40, and Amanda is 18, so Dadsona and Alex would have had/adopted her around the time Dadsona was 22/3. Which is right out of college. And Craig and Dadsona were friends during college. Which means Craig knew Alex.
None of the Dads have ever watched the video of Nickelback’s Never Gonna Be Alone.(For more context, look the video up on youtube). But when they all were sat down with a computer on the video, their reactions are as follows:
Robert: At the end of the video, he has misty eyes, he flips the shower of the video off, leaves the room, and drives off. Damien with Lucien: His lips quiver and takes out a handkerchief, and dries his eyes. He offers another to Lucien, who tries to fan his eyes, trying to make his eyeliner not run. Joesph: He produces a box of tissues and proceeds to blow his nose and dab his eyes multiple times with a different tissue every time. Mat with Carmensita: Carmensita squints her eyes and hugs Mat’s arm, while Mat tries not to cry saying, “Why Nickelback, why?” Brian with Daisy: Brain begins to ugly cry, while Daisy looks at the shower of the video with a look of, ‘What have you done?’ Craig with Briar and Hazel: Craig holds all three of his daughters close to him, and tries to hold it together, Briar and Hazel hugs their dad back Hugo with Ernest: Hugo inhales sharply, and wipes his eyes on his sleeves after taking his glasses off, Ernest hides his eyes with his hood. Your Dadsona and Amanda: You try to hold it together, but then Amanda hugs you, and tightens. You start bawling.
Craig: Ideally I think that he would love someone who is in good shape so they can keep up with him on runs. However, I think that Craig wouldn’t mind a little bit of pudge on someone whether they’re a boy or girl. He loves nice toned legs on his partner. He doesn’t mind how tall or short someone may be and on women he prefers B and C cups
Brian: Brian doesn’t really have a preference in body types. He is very body positive considering he too is on the pudgier side and just loves a partner who is confident in their own skin. Brian doesn’t worry about anyone being taller than him since he towers at almost 6′4″, however in the case he finds someone taller, he’d be quite impressed by something like that. But in all honestly though, butts. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Damien: Damien has a preference for people with average to slim body types. To him someone who is more petite (not necessarily weight wise) is really cute but he also likes partners bigger than him. He likes the options of being able to either carry his partner bridal style or to be the one being carried. In the end, as long as his partner is healthy in terms of their body type and other genetic variables, that’s what matters most.
Hugo: Thick thighs save some freakin’ lives. Hugo has a thing for thicker or more musclely partners, but of course even the most voluptuous or really toned figure doesn’t beat having a brilliant mind! A little stomach pudge is ok in his books. If you happen to be a woman he prefers B to D cups but he doesn’t discriminate if y’know what I mean. Honestly, he just likes someone that makes a great cuddle buddy while he reads to them.
Mat: Slender figures happen to fit his fancy. He loves a tall partner with a slender and/or fit frame. Many dancers for example may possess this body type. In the case that his partner may be taller than himself, he doesn’t mind that. Good news if you’re in the itty-bitty titty committee, this dad prefers A to B cups.
Robert: Robert honestly finds most bodies attractive, its all a matter of first impressions. Breast size doesn’t matter on a woman and on everyone a cute butt is a plus. He knows there’s beauty in all kinds of bodies and the variety gives him different experiences in bed. Shorter partners tend to be most preferred by this bad dad, he likes the dominance over them.
Joseph: He likes a shapely but average built body type especially on a woman. Height doesn’t seem to be a problem when it comes to partners. When it comes to men, Joseph thinks average to in shape body types are attractive. Toned shoulders and arms on both men and women are admirable. This dad also has a thing for perky breasts. We’re looking at you Mary.