craft jokes

do you need some help with your glue gun?

for @kixboxer for reasons. <3 

do you remember that craft store au we chatted about ages ago? well. 


Yuuri almost has a heart attack the moment that Victor Nikiforov, host of What The Craft on Detroit Public Access TV, walks into Michael’s. As he dies in a god awful green vest, all he can think is that hot gluing the defibrillator last week was a mistake. And that he’s suing those tv cameras from beyond the grave because they were nowhere close to capturing how attractive Victor actually is.

Yuuri wants to help him with his glue gun. Instead he hides.

Victor leaves twenty minutes later after circling every aisle at least three times.

                                                  ___________

victor: CHRIS HE WAS THERE

chris: green sweater vest?

victor: his name is YUURI

victor: HOW DOES HE MAKE POLYESTER LOOK SO GOOD? IT’S NOT A BREATHABLE FABRIC AND NOW I FEEL LIKE I CAN’T BREATHE.

victor: HE WAS THERE AND THEN HE DISAPPEARED BUT THERE WASN’T EVEN A GLASS SLIPPER

chris: victor. PLEASE.

                                               ____________

“Excuse me?” Victor says, tapping Yuuri on the shoulder. Somewhere between “I should have ironed my underwear” and “digging my own grave won’t be so bad” Victor’s arrived at end of the aisle. Where Yuuri’s arranging styrofoam balls into a suspiciously human shaped arrangement. He didn’t even have fair warning to hide this time.

“Can you help me?” Yuuri asks. No. Wrong order. Fuck.

Victor looks Yuuri up and down. And then back up again. “Can I?” The tips of his ears are flushed. Yuuri’s not sure why. It’s not that cold yet.

(When Celestino starts putting Baileys in his coffee, that’s when it’s really winter.)

“I um. I mean. Things? Supplies?”

Yuuri manages to help Victor find what he needs. He’s not sure how Victor’s so unfamiliar with the store layout—he’s seen Victor’s show and he goes through a lot of felt. Just when Yuuri thinks he’s done, Victor has another question, all the way until Yuuri rings up his total.

(Yuuri’s not even supposed to work at the register.)

“What are your hours?” Victor asks, playing with the on and off button on his phone.

“Oh well, our hours are on the door…”

“No. What days are you here?”

Oh.

“Wrinkly/Irony” by Connie Kincius Griner of Burlington, North Carolina.

Inspired by the joke frequenting the Internet describing “irony” as being the opposite of “wrinkly”, this whimsical quilt brought a smile to many faces in Houston. She used improvisational piecing and textured fabric to create the wrinkly side, opposite of the smooth fused applique and machine piecing of her “ironed” side. Very fun and unique!

Photo taken at the 2017 International Quilt Festival, Houston, Texas.

  • Me when Dan first had curly hair on the internet: beautiful. inspiring. talented. i need to protect my soft son. this beautiful child needs all the love he deserves.
  • Me when Phil first had curly hair on the internet: yo fuck that spaniel guy we're on this now
How to Hook a Reader:   Ten Examples of Great Opening Lines in Literature, and What They Do Right.

1.  “Lydia is dead.  But they don’t know this yet.” 

- “Everything I Never Told You,” by Celeste Ng.

Ng’s masterpiece (which you all need to read, like, yesterday by the way) seamlessly pulls the reader under with this captivatingly cryptic opening line.  

She poses several questions right off the bat (who is Lydia?  Why is she dead?  Who killed her?) that keep the reader captivated for the entirety of the novel.  

Of course, Ng is aided in keeping the reader hooked with her immaculately crafted, three-dimensional characters, with all of whom the reader can’t help but empathize by the story’s end, but this doesn’t make her opening line any less masterful.  She is, in all ways, an amazing writer.     

2.  “There was a boy called Eustace Clarance Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.” 

- “Voyage of the Dawn Treader,” by C.S. Lewis.

Okay, first of all, I’d like to point out the substantial irony in a person named Clive Staples Lewis critiquing anyone else’s name.  But that by no regard diminishes the comedic brilliance of this line.  

Even if I hadn’t been such a Narnia fanatic as a child, this line alone would have made me want to become one.  Sometimes, all you really need to do is make the audience laugh with a well-crafted joke.  

3.  “All this happened, more or less.” 

- “Slaughterhouse-Five,” Kurt Vonnegut. 

Who doesn’t love Vonnegut?  Well, I might not be the most impartial person to ask about this.  His absurdist sense of humor taps into something visceral in me. 

Nevertheless, there’s something about this line that has a near universal appeal:  it shows that the author is self aware enough not to take his work too seriously, and also shows that the work should be a lot of fun.  There’s also a familial quality about it, like listening to a tall tail from a favorite relative, and creates a sense of personability that remains prevalent throughout the novel.

4.  “Call me Ishmael.  Some years ago - never mind how long precisely - having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world.“ 

- “Moby Dick,” by Herman Melville. 

I wanted to skip this one, I really did, if only because it’s so unanimously acknowledged as one of the best opening lines in literature.  But it really is amazing.  

It creates an immediate sense of conversation between narrator and reader, without being overly personable.  Ishmael cuts right to the chase, and plunges us immediately in to the story at hand, like a harpoon into the blubbery flank of a wale.

Also, in context of the dramatic events of the story, I can’t help but find his casual attitude about the ordeal very amusing. 

5.  “If you’re reading this on a screen, fuck off.  I’ll only talk if I’m gripped with both hands.” 

- “Book of Numbers,” by Joshua Cohen.

This is a book that knows what it wants and is not afraid to ask for it.  Cohen’s book is meta fiction at its finest, and its opening line is unabashedly reflective of its own self-awareness.

Book of Numbers isn’t for everybody, but it’s hard not to love this opening line.

6.  "It was a nice day. All the days had been nice. There had been rather more than seven of them so far, and rain hadn’t been invented yet. But clouds massing east of Eden suggested that the first thunderstorm was on its way, and it was going to be a big one.”

- “Good Omens,” by Neil Gaiman and Terri Pratchett. 

I’m not going to lie: Good Omens is one of my all-time favorite books.  This opening line is a promise for the themes that are prevalent throughout the book:  hidden depth, wit, and existential questions beneath a thick layer of upbeat, cheerful irreverence and satire.  

Like the book itself, it asks serious questions without ever taking itself too seriously, and makes for an enormously fun read that will make you laugh and make you think.  I highly recommend it.

7.  “I am an invisible man. No, I am not a spook like those who haunted Edgar Allan Poe; nor am I one of your Hollywood-movie ectoplasms. I am a man of substance, of flesh and bone, fiber and liquids—and I might even be said to possess a mind. I am invisible, understand, simply because people refuse to see me. Like the bodiless heads you see sometimes in circus sideshows, it is as though I have been surrounded by mirrors of hard, distorting glass. When they approach me they see only my surroundings, themselves, or figments of their imagination—indeed, everything and anything except me.”

- “Invisible Man,” by Ralph Ellison. 

This one is both an objectively intriguing opening line, and a potent one, when viewed in the context that Ellison himself was a Black man.  Published in 1952, the line resonates with marginalized groups to this very day, and is evocative of a very real struggle – the “invisibility” – of Black Americans, then and now.

It is timelessly pertinent and powerful.  

8.   “The story so far:  In the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”

- “The Restaurant at the End of the Universe,” by Douglas Adams. 

Oh, Douglas Adams.  One of my greatest sources of literary inspiration, who taps into my sense of dry, somewhat absurdist humor like no other.  I might have to make another post devoted to all of my favorite of his lines, but that’s not the point here. 

This line is magnificent, because it immediately sets the tone for the novel and gives the reader a clear image of what to expect (predominantly, razor-sharp wit and satire.)  It’s also short and simplistic, and very clearly doesn’t take itself too seriously, just like the novel itself.  

9.  “Shadow had done three years in prison. He was big enough and looked don’t-fuck-with-me enough that his biggest problem was killing time. So he kept himself in shape, and taught himself coin tricks, and thought a lot about how much he loved his wife.”

- “American Gods,” by Neil Gaiman. 

This line is, in my opinion, almost perfect.  It gives us an immediate image of Shadow, his personality, his values, and the challenges he’s facing, while at the same time jumping right into the action of the story without wasting the readers’ time with needless exhibitionism.  

It also creates immediate interest in the story, and asks many questions that can only be answered if by continuing to read it.  It’s almost as amazing as the book itself.

10.   “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”

- “Pride and Prejudice,” by Jane Austen.

This is another one that I, for the sheer purpose of originality, wanted to avoid getting around for the purpose of this list, but there’s simply no avoiding it:  this line is amazing.  It’s a crime of our era that people consider Austen such a “serious” writer, when she was, in fact, possibly the greatest satirist of her time.  

This line encapsulates the irreverence of this novel, as well as Austen’s razor-sharp wit and intelligence.  Like most of Austen’s works, it remains a classic.

i’d like to see more content of allura being a relatable teen. she’s a Kool Kid! i’m gonna make some Relatable Teen allura hcs and if anyone else has any they would like to add then that would be encouraged

- every time she gets caught getting into teenage mischief or doing something she shouldn’t be doing she just goes “i’m a princess i can do what i want” n no one can say anything about it. they’re not sure if it’s even legal to. well, coran says something, but that’s different he’s basically her dad.

- she made some especially funny jokes a few times and they made everyone laugh and sometimes she thinks back to them and laughs at her own jokes for thirty minutes at a time

- [well crafted joke with lots of thought put in] “i suppose it’s a bit amusing :)” [literally just the word ‘snungus’] “[loud cackling she’s unable to hold back]”

- ^^^ also applies for “hinter bush” and every day sentences with the phrase 'i’m gay’ incorporated

- “coraaan, i looove you…” “i love you too, allura :{) is there something you want?” “other than to tell my trusted advisor and second father figure that i love him? why, coran, i’m appalled! i would never, never stoop down to such levels! if i tell you that i love you it’s because i genuinely do, not because of some–some ulterior motive!” “well, is there?” “actually… now that you mention it… there is this tiny thing…” it is usually Not So Tiny.

on the master, misogyny, moffat, and lucy saxon.

it’s taken me a really long time to get my thoughts together, and put my finger on why simm!master’s sexist lines in the doctor falls could be so hard to watch. especially considering that i don’t have this problem with s3.

naturally, people have compared this to what we saw of simm!master in rtd’s era, and made good points that TDF isn’t that out of character.

for me, though, it was. here’s the result of me examining why, and what precisely didn’t sit right with me about simm!master in TDF.

1. Are Simm!Master’s actions misogynist? Yes. Are they motivated by sexism? No.

The way I understand the Master is this: first and foremost, he values power. The Master is an amoral character who does not believe in good and evil, or right and wrong. He believes in doing what he wants - at his core, he’s a hedonist. Power goes hand-in-hand with that, because power is the tool that gets the Master what he wants.

And the thing the Master wants most of all? Is the Doctor - his attention, his kinship, his approval, his suffering. often all at the same time, lest we forget the Master torturing the Doctor and then tenderly saving his life in less than 2 minutes of screentime

Simm!Master, in RTD’s run, is fully aware of human prejudices and how powerful they are. He exploits them time and time again, and uses them as precise psychological weapons:

  1. Using Martha’s family as domestic servants, dressing them up in maid uniforms - this is blatant racial degradation. The Master does it deliberately because he knows how much pain he can cause like this. The script itself literally refers to this as enslavement, and torture. For that reason. In every way, this action is condemned by the text as despicable.

  2. In the same vein, the Master drops a nuke on japan. It is not coincidence that this is the same country which endured the horror of the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. This is deliberately invoking the trauma of genocide, because it is powerful.

  3. Homophobia - “It’s the girly and the freak, although, I can’t tell which is which”. Pity that one doesn’t work on Jack, but it hurts when we hear it. You cannot tell me that a queer man was not cognisant of what sort of hurt he was expecting Simm!Master to inflict on his victims, with that.

  4. Sexism and misogyny - workplace sexual harassment committed against Tish, and Tanya on the Valiant. The former, to hurt Martha and her family, the latter to hurt Lucy.

  5. Domestic abuse - do I need to explain this one? Not just physically abusing Lucy, but objectifying her, controlling her, gaslighting her, coercing her into sex with other women.
    (bear in mind that this is not specifically directed at women: Simm!Master strikes the Doctor in the face twice during his run, among other things. I suspect that anybody he loves or hates is fair game for abuse.)

i.e. Yeah, Simm!Master sees human prejudices and marginalisation as a very quick and easy shorthand for cruelty. But he is very clearly self-aware of how hurtful and disgusting these things are. He doesn’t act this way because of inbuilt beliefs that these prejudices are correct - he acts this way because he knows how violent they are.

2. Simm!Master is definitely sexist. It’s just not in the way you think. (And it’s less problematic.)

Let’s move on to the meatier stuff.

“Killed by an insect! A girl! How inappropriate.”

ah, the line that has launched a thousand arguments.

This is the sole part of the Master-misogyny argument that holds water: that the Master sees women as weaker. 

And he does - in his mind, they are physically less strong, more fragile, more emotional. and in his view  of what is powerful and what is not, these things add up to “weakness”.

You’ll find he holds the Doctor to the same standards - his emotions, his morals are seen as weakness, his “young and strong” body is seen as superior to Jacobi!Master’s older form. He artificially ages the doctor, because he sees such ailments as weaker, inferior, and therefore humiliating. (Because for the Master, such experiences of physical debilitation are certainly humiliating.)

But the Master views humans with that same attitude of inferiority, too. Not just one gender. Hell, he treats humans as little better than animals: he eats them alive in EoT, because in his idea of a natural hierarchy, we are genuinely no different to  animals. This is reinforced by plenty of the Master’s comments as Missy.

Except - you know what? The narrative constantly reminds us that this attitude is not only totally wrong, but nine times out of ten, the narrative says this is the reason why the Master’s plans don’t succeed. He underestimated Lucy, he underestimated Martha, he underestimated Chantho, and even Jo Grant. He underestimates humans almost every time his plan goes arse-up. The qualities the Master believes are weak, inferior, lesser, are always given to the protagonists as strengths to bring him down.

*deep breath*

So, okay. let’s put this together.

If it furthers his aims, the Master will be as sexist, racist, or as homophobic as he wants to be. And dozens of other kinds of violence, if he’s in a position to exploit them.

Half the time, those aims are hurting the Doctor. And such vile disregard of personhood, towards the Doctor’s closest friends, is probably the nastiest weapon he could choose.

In these cases - the Master is always aware what sort of weight they carry. They’re not inbuilt beliefs. They’re calculated choices.

In the other cases, the Master pastes a fundamentally flawed worldview on top of the spectrum of human (and alien) diversity. In the Master’s world, the only sort of inherent worth a person can have is “power” - with him at the top of this theoretical hierarchy, all other life ordered below. And yes, (human) feminine qualities get placed below masculine ones. 

We can have some very interesting chats about what that says about the Master’s psychology, but if you take some notice that he has to place himself at the top of that ladder to begin with, undoubtedly to find his own self-worth; that a lot of these “feminine” qualities are strengths the Doctor possesses and the Master despises, that so much of the Master’s concept of “power” relies on physical force and violence…well, I hope you can see that it doesn’t entirely come down to sexism. Not in our understanding of the term.

3. Why was I so uncomfortable, then?

Okay, let’s wrap this up.

How is Moffat’s Simm different to RTD’s Simm? Because nothing about Moffat’s Master’s misogyny speaks of being self aware. In RTD’s run, he chooses cruelty because he understands what power and effect it has over the people he wishes to control. It’s a means to an end: an utterly calculated choice. Yes, even the sexism.

In Moffat’s run, he doesn’t seem to have a concept of the pain he’s inflicting on others. The source of his cruelty is suggested to be as simple as that: he is incapable of understanding the hurt, the violence he brings upon others. 

“Becoming a woman is one thing, but have you got…empathy?" 

Sexism is no longer a chosen weapon, because it is violent and cruel. Sexism is a state of being, because he does not understand it is violent and cruel.

And that? That’s why you found it so hard to watch.


For more excellent thought-pieces around this topic: @wibblywobblywritery has a way-more-eloquent writeup here!

His rock

Originally posted by iwriteaboutdean

Summary: Dean x Reader: Dean finds comfort in the reader’s arms after a hard day.

Word Count: 1962

Triggers: Not really, a bit of fluffy angst, or flangst if you will.

Y/N = Your name 

Note: I’m actually pretty proud of this one so I hope you like it! Please let me know what you think!!

Dean was tired, not only physically, but mentally. You could see it easily in those green eyes whose light was a little duller than normal. Somehow you could always tell which days it was harder for the hunter to keep up appearances. He called it your special little gift, you just called it love.

On days like that one you knew he needed to just be held, be loved, feel safe. Out there, in the real world, he had to stay the soldier, the hunter, the big brother. But in the room he shared with you, he was just a broken man. And he needed your help to pick up the pieces.

Dean was exhausted, and so you’d made up some lame excuse to return to your room earlier than normal to Sammy and pulled Dean along. Seeing the signs of exhaustion easily on his face the minute you shut the bedroom door behind him. His smile falling away and the armour he’d so carefully crafted through jokes and physical strength crashing to the floor the minute you were alone.

Moving to the bed you sat up with your back against the wall and stretched your arms out. An open invitation for him to hide in your embrace and just let go of all his worries for the night. No words were spoken as he climbed onto the bed and into your arms. Staying low, he buried his head in the crook of your neck, arms around your waist as if you were the life raft keeping him afloat in stormy weather.

Keep reading

Dan’s Liveshow

Ok so I know I’m really late but I’ve been busy and just got around to watching the liveshow earlier today. Here’s what I’ve got.

P.S. Most of this is a joke. Well, some of it. A bit of it. It’s a bit of a joke. 


~the fact that his mouse ran out of batteries doesn’t explain why he was on his bed. He had his phone propped up against his laptop, so he could have done it just as normal like if he was using his laptop. Yet, he was on his bed?

~WHAT DID DAN DO THAT PHIL WILL PUT ON HIS SIDE CHANNEL AFTER HIS NEXT VID I’M SPECULATING OH SHIT *cough cough, it’s something about the move that he can’t put out until after the move is announced, cough cough*

~rip DanAndPhilCRAFTS

~who’s on his fucking daddy list i'm 

~”WHERE’S YOUR WIRROW PAINTING?” “YOU COULD SAY THAT I’M RELOCATING IT. ONE COULD SAY.”

~110% THEY’RE GONNA TRANSFORM PEOPLE NOW IN THE SIMS I’M CALLING IT 

~phil’s coat tho

~dan, can you not mail the denim jacket, like what 

~fuck he moved the painting bc it would fall on him damnit my life is ruined…
wait but later he said it was the contemplation of his aesthetic hmmmmmmm

~100% wants to talk about his new aesthetic later cause he’s gonna be in a new house by then and he needs the palettes so he knows what color to paint his new room 

~”i’ll go to ikea with you?” “okay well we’ll talk about this whenever we…” *trails off*

~PHIL ISN’T DOING A LIVESHOW BC THEY’RE MOVING 110%

~AND AMAZINGPHIL VIDEO THURSDAY HOLY SHIT IT’S GONNA BE ABOUT THEIR NEW HOUSE I FUCKING CALL IT RIGHT NOW

~15th and 17th is the festival in Australia and according to Dan’s schedule that’s literally two weeks unaccounted for what (Hong Kong?)
hmmmm… 

~”I DON’T WANT TO BE PROBLEMATIC TO FURRIES CAUSE I AM ONE OBVIOUSLY…” DID YOU GUYS JUST LIKE STOP PAYING ATTENTION AT THE END OR


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ENDING THOUGHTS~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SO HERE’S MY THEORY. You may be asking, “If they’re moving, why didn’t he just tell us?” Well, I think the Thursday amazingphil video is an official announcement? Maybe? No? I don’t know, don’t hold me accountable if I’m wrong. That’s just my thought. 

P.S. I sincerely apologize, these last few days have brought my demon back. Help me, please.