crab crap

the signs as shit gordon ramsay says in kitchen nightmares
  • aries: you fucking donut
  • taurus: i would like to pray before i eat this
  • gemini: you stuck up precious little bitch
  • cancer: bland as fuck
  • leo: have you ever sat at a table and watched 6 customers with its fucking donkey dick swinging in front of its face? it's hilarious
  • virgo: no, don't eat that, i don't want to be responsible for putting you back in the hospital
  • libra: it's not a crab cake... it's a crap cake
  • scorpio: that baby was fucking ugly
  • sagittarius: *gags and spits out food*
  • capricorn: looks like a fucking flip-flop
  • aquarius: stuffed clams. looks like a dog shat in the shells
  • pisces: i need the toilet, excuse me, i knew it would come out faster than it went in
kitchen nightmares █║│♛

send one for my muse’s reaction~!

“You want ____ to stop now and get you a glass of orange juice?!”
“Oh fuck. Oh my God. Oh no. LOOK AT THAT! Oh my God, look at it!”
“Look! It’s fucking rotten, you fucking idiot! IT’S ROTTEEEEEEEEN!!”
“No one is getting served from this fucking restaurant tonight!”
“It’s not a crab cake. It’s a crap cake. Because if I eat anymore, I’ll be busy crapping for the next 105 years.”
“The food’s been in this fridge for so long, even the fridge is starting to get mouldy.”
“I’ve never met such a fucking hard-arse stubborn motherfucker in all my life.”
“YOU RUN A SHIT-HOLE OF A KITCHEN!!! FUCK YOURSELF!!!”
“The décor matches the clientèle; drab, fuddy-duddy, and seriously old-fashioned…”
“You’re so full of fucking shit that you’d make a great politician.”
“Oh my god! THERE’S FUCKING CHICKEN AGAINST RAW CHICKEN!!”
”HEY, PANINI-HEAD, LISTEN TO ME!”
“When you take a bite of that cod, it’s almost like you’ve got a breaded condom in your mouth.”
“Ground beef?!! Half of it’s fucking fat, you idiot! It’s fatter than you!”
“What the hell are you doing here?!”
“Oh, coulis mango. Thank you. Looks like something out of a modern art museum. Splat!”
“It’s like somebody’s pissed in my soup.”
“If you went to Dublin and you serve shepherd’s pie like that, they would shoot you.”
“Hold on a minute. You’re calling me a fucking arsehole?!”
“You stuck-up precious little bitch!”
“YOU ARE SO IN DENIAL, YOU NEED THERAPY!!”
“This is the truth: I would be better off as a brain surgeon than you running this restaurant.”
“THEY’RE MOULDY, YOU PILLOCK!”
“I’ve fucking forgotten more than you know. Just serve the food and shut the fuck up, smart-arse!”
“It looks anaemic, the colour’s dreadful, and it tastes just like bland, boiled lamb.”
“Yeah, and take that shit with you! That’s right, we’re stopping an elk quesadilla! Breaking news in Mexico!”
“Greasy as anything. It’s a huge ball of grease. I love moussaka, but that is miles off. Moussaka? Mou-suck.”
“Looks like Chappy took a crappy in my gumbo.”
“It’s like the pizza that ate Denver.”
“This restaurant runs like the Jerry Springer Show.
“Dear god, for what we are about to receive may the lord not kill me with food poisoning.’
‘Overcooked on the bottom, crispy as f**k and it looks like Ghandi’s Flip-Flop.’
‘In terms of beauty, it’s not exactly an Indian classic. It looks like a dehydrated turd.’
“Why the fuck…would you grill…a lettuce…?”
”My gran could cook better than you…And she’s DEAD!”
”Ladies, gentlemen, good evening! Sorry about the old bag!”
”I wouldn’t trust you to run a bath, let alone a fucking restaurant!”
”How about a ‘thank you’, you miserable wee bitch!?”
”Looks like a big overgrown ball of pubic hair, deep fat fried…”
“Looks like one of the worst urine samples you could ever give“

Swearing Au

•mari has a really bad habit of swearing. Like every sentence has a swear word especially if she’s mad
•adrien says things like “heck” and “crab” (replace of crap) and still apologizes for his words
•as time goes on adrien starts recognizing Mari’s voice along with the tone of her swearing
•so whenever adrien heard “SHIT” or “FUCK” he knows it mari
•now as ladybug she tries not to swear as she’s a role model for younger children
•but then something bad happens and Mari can’t help it but yell “SHITTT”
•and then adrien is like “wait where’s Mari? She shouldn’t be anywhere near the battle”
•finally chat sees ladybug yelling “FUCKKK”
•and then there’s chat trying to put the pieces together cuz he’s dense like that

F.A.Q.

Can I use your art for an icon/phone background/blog background/header/etc?

Sure thing, all non-commercial use is fine, just be sure to credit me!

Can I dub your comics?

Go right ahead, have fun! I’d love to see the finished thing! Again, no commercial use - please don’t use them in stuff you’re selling.

When will the next chapter/comic/etc be posted?

When it’s done! This stuff takes a back seat to the stuff that, y’know, pays my bills, so update schedules are a lil hard to pin down right now.

Where can I watch Miraculous Ladybug?

If you have cable, on Nickelodeon or Nick.com. If you don’t, Amazon and iTunes can hook you up. And the season 1 DVDs are slated for release in May, with French and English audio. Beyond official releases, I’m afraid you’ll have to do some sleuthing on your own. ;)

Here’s my idea for your story! (Or a comic!)

I appreciate the thought, but I try to stick to ideas I’ve come up with, for a couple reasons:

- I learn more if I challenge myself to execute an idea from start to finish

- I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings if I pass on using an idea

- I also don’t want to ruffle feathers if I only use one part of an idea, or interpret it another way

Fact is, it’s just easier and simpler for me to stick to the trash in my own noggin! But I encourage you to explore these ideas yourself!

Can you draw my OC/idea?

I can when I open for commissions! So, not for free, I can’t. BUT you can draw them yourself for free! Even if you think you can’t draw now, just remember, I couldn’t really draw when I first started either.

How many comics have you drawn, and where can I find them?

Infinite. My house is built on a foundation of trash comics, they are many and legion. You can check my comics tag for just about everything (hypothetically. I will try to clean that up.)

Will you reblog this thing?

IDK! Will you be okay if I say no? If you won’t, then maybe think about why you’re asking in the first place. Sure, that may seem harsh, but my tumblr, my rules.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Why are you ignoring me?

Because in the last month I’ve gotten 200k notes and nearly 5000 new followers. Which is fantastic, and I am hugely grateful for all of you and your support. It is also a little like drinking from a firehose!

Right now I am trying to keep up with awesome things people want me to see by checking my Ask box (which got something like 50 notes in the last week), my messages (currently three or four on a slow day, a couple dozen on a busy one), and stuff that has recently been tagged for me. If I can’t find the post you want me to see one of those ways, I’m probably not gonna see it. Sorry! But I’m trying to keep this all simple so I have time to make the garbage y’all are here for. So I’m not trying to ignore anyone, but I think you can see how stuff falls through the cracks.

UPDATE 4/17/2016:

What do you use to draw?

My own bloodthirsty ambition. Oh, you mean like materials? Okay.

Digital: I use Adobe Photoshop on the subscription model. It runs on a Wacom Companion 2, which is a tablet computer with a Cintiq screen. I would not recommend it to people looking to get into art as a career; I would recommend it to people already doing art as a career. Or who have similar experience with digital art and various tablet interfaces. You can get the biggest advantage (portability) with something half the price, like an iPad Pro or a Surface. 

Traditional: 

Inks - I use Microns for most detail work, brushes + speedball ink for fancy line-weight stuff, and a variety of Kuretake pens for… well, anything. If you cantrack down Kuretakes, buy them, they’re cheap and fabulous. (There’s a your mom joke there but I’ll spare us all.)

Colors - this varies a lot. I use anything from Sharpies blended with rubbing alcohol, to crayons and colored pencils blended both traditionally and with turpenoid solvent. I haven’t used watercolors in a while but when I do I like to lay down lines with colored pencils, then use watercolors and watercolor pencils to paint with. I should do more watercolors. Dang.

Paper - whatever’s appropriate? Like I’ll use the Strathmore sketchbooks for just about anything it can take, but I’ve ripped through pages in them with my burning enthusiasm before. Wet media tends to be their Multi-media books or Bristol. I have some real nice watercolor paper that I haven’t cracked yet out of sheer intimidation.

Misc - sometimes I shade with Tombow Grays or an ink wash. For most pencil stuff I just use a Bic 7mm mechanical pencil. I also use blue or red Col-Erase pencils for pictures I want to finish in pencil or ink. Oh, and water-soluble graphite is a wonderful and terrible medium and everyone should try it at least once.

Basically I collect art supplies like a hermit crab collects crap to put on its shell, so take this all with a hefty grain of salt.

UPDATE 4/27/2016:

Can I translate your comics and post them?

Sure, as long as you link back to the original(s), and aren’t using them to make money.  

SEND THIS MESSAGE TO 50 PEOPLE OR YOUR SOCKS WILL NEVER MATCH / YOU WILL NEVER HAVE MONEY / YOUR MOTHER WILL CONTRACT SEVERAL MEDICALLY BAFFLING DISEASES.

Joke’s on you, sucker! My socks don’t match, I’m a broke artist, and my mom has lupus! (The one time it actually WAS lupus!) Anyway yeah I don’t do chain messages, my condolences.

UPDATE 4/29/2016:

Will you do more Relive the Magic? When?

I am going to try to go through each episode, yes! And I try to do about 1 per week as time/life allows. They will continue until either the hiatus ends or I run out of episodes.

If your question isn’t covered here, please feel free to hit me up!